Title: The Curse of the Watcher
Author: Beadtific
Pairing: Spike and his cigarettes
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Through mid-season 4
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, Joss and Mutant Enemy do.
Acknowledgements: To Phen, for her wacky fic generator, and Elizabuffy for her beta.

Requirements:
Spike
No Angst
Any rating
Mystical Curse
Infomercial

Muffled, panicked screams were coming from the sofa. Giles strolled from the front door to find Spike, immobile, a cigarette burned down just enough that the vampire's fingers were beginning to kindle. Removing the butt, the watcher licked his fingers and snuffed out the small flame blossoming on his…houseguest's hand. Spike made a grateful sort of sound.

Giles looked down at the vampire, frozen in the act of lighting a cigarette with Giles' own lighter. "That was a gift; you'll not be keeping it," he snapped, slipping it from the immobile fingers. "Not very comfortable, are you? Can you blink once for yes and twice for no?"

He couldn't. He was frozen, eyes open. Spike made a questioning, desperate sound.

"It's a curse. I've asked you not to smoke in the flat. I'll not have the children exposed to second-hand smoke. Their lives are full of enough danger."

The statue on the sofa growled.

"You are here at my sufferance, and that of Buffy. One way or another, you will abide by my rules." Giles listened to a long string of what were evidently curses, entreaties, and promises.

"I'm afraid I cannot revoke the curse once it begins. You are to endure something deeply unpleasant and offensive to you, and you will endure one hour of it for," Giles checked the packet, "each of the six cigarettes you lit with this lighter. And just for the record, before you consider exacting revenge – there are cursed items all over the flat. I'd highly recommend you think twice before meddling with my property or me."

The screams began again, pleading, and nearly drowned out the sound of the television. Giles turned up the volume.

"Well, up next is our very special friend, John, who wants to tell you about his "natural male enhancement supplements. Next hour, Marie Osmond will be showing us her latest doll collection, and talk about her new book."

Giles smiled at the television. "I couldn't have made a better choice. Your eardrums, of course, are not paralyzed, nor are your vocal cords. I do know how you like to talk back to the screen. Though, I did want to make sure you didn't alarm the neighbors this time."

The screams took on a desperate edge.

Ignoring them, Giles looked at his watch, "Well then, I'm off. I have a few errands to run. I'll make sure," he said pointedly, "to lock up as I leave -wouldn't want the children to distrub you."

Spike whimpered.

END