Title: Shake your Bon-Bon pt.1
Author: Donna
Rating: PG for mild swearing, innuendo.
Pairing: Giles and Alf?
Summary: An answer to Julias Alf challenge.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Joss and Co. own Giles, Alf is owned by, I
have no clue; The Muppets are owned by Jim Hansan?
Feedback: Please.
Giles set the teapot back down with an exasperated sigh. "At this rate I'll never get a bloody cup of tea!" He exclaimed to himself as he marched off to answer the doorbell for the fifth time in what seemed as many minutes. First it was Girlscout cookies, then a salesman, third the paperboy, and can't forget the pesky neighbor who wanted to borrow coffee for heavens sake! Who borrowed coffee! He yanked open the front door only to be greeted by, nothing. No one was there.
"Bloody marvelous!" His day off and he was becoming more stressed than if he had to deal with Anya at the shop for eight hours. Now it was pranks. He turned to slam the door shut when he heard someone clear their throat. He whirled around to be confronted by, nothing. Suddenly he looked down and saw the most prepostorous site. It was aout three feet tall, brown, furry, had an incredibly long nose, was wearing amazingly tacky Bermuda shorts and carrying a duffle bag.
Giles stared at in shock and absently muttered, "Oh dear Lord." He quickly recovered, looked around and barely yanked his unusual visiter inside before slamming the door shut.
"Are you insane!" He yelled. "What if someone had seen you!"
The creature looked up at Giles and sadly shook his head. "Ripper my man, you have definitely changed," he tsked, "used to be you'd chase a risk. Now, man you've become middle aged!"
Giles looked down affronted. "Middle aged!" He roared. "Why you poncey sod.."
His guest cut him off chuckling, "Yeah, now that's more like the Ripper I know and love."
Giles suddenly grinned. "Alf you ponce, what are you doing here? How'd you find me?"
"Ripper, you leave a trail a mile wide." Alfs nose quivered. He looked around Giles apartment. "Nice digs. You got a brewski?" He asked flopping on the couch.
"Yes I think so." Giles wandered into the kitchen. "My God, it's been, what, twenty years?" He yelled.
"Naw," was the reply, "can't be that long."
Giles came back with two bottles, he handed one to his diminutive friend and flopped down next to him lost in thought.
"Cheers." Alf said raising his bottle.
"Hm, oh right, cheers." Giles muttered distractedly clinking his bottle with Alfs.
"Ahh," Alf sighed. "Nothing like American brew."
"Yes quite." Giles responded still distracted. "It has to be about twenty years. Weren't we in our Miami Vice phase?"
Alf grinned, "Yeah, those were the days." They both got lost in fond memories of pastel, big hair and fast cars.
"Well," Giles asked finally. "What brings you to my door after all these years?"
"Well, after my show got cancelled, I just took off, went home for awhile, did the whole celebrity smooze thing for the hometown fans." He sucked down the last of his beer. "Hey, got any more of these?" He held up the empty.
Giles snorted, "God, I forgot what a bottomless pit you are." Giles got up and grabbed the rest of the beer. "Here, ya mooch," he handed him half the beers he was carrying, "that's all there is, make it last."
"Yeah, yeah." Alf muttered taking a gulp from the fresh bottle. "Anyway, I got tired of being home, so I bummed around the quadrant for awhile. I'm actually on my way to Alpha Centura for a convention."
"A convention!" Giles sputtered beer, lacking a hankerchief, he wiped his chin on his sleeve.
"Yeah, you come as your favorite Earthling!" Alf guffawed at that, slapping his furry knee in mirth. "Ain't that priceless!"
"How long are you going to be here?"
Alf looked at his watch. "Oh, about two hours."
"What!" Giles exclaimed, "That's it? We won't.."
"I know man." Alf cut in. "But if I don't catch this transport, I'll have to wait fifty earth years for the next one, and sorry man, that's too long to stay in this burb. But, hey." Alf said patting Giles knee. "We have two hours babe, and I've got something to show ya." Alf said with a leer.
Giles looked at him and slowly grinned.
----------ALMOST TWO HOURS LATER------------
Buffy walked up the steps to Giles apartment frowning. She looked around her puzzled. Someone was blaring Ricky Martin, but it couldn't be coming from Giles building. Only stody old people lived there. She arrived at Giles door only to realize that the music was coming from GILES apartment! Shocked, she swung open the door to see Giles jean clad bottom rocking to Shake Your Bon-Bon. She took in all the empty beer bottles littering the coffee table and floor. Uh oh Giles was drunk, she settled in to watch the show. So engrossed in watching her her Watcher shake his mighty fine bob-bon, she completely missed seeing his short furry companion shake his. Although it was partly due to the fact that the couch hid most of him from view. From Buffys angle, the only thing visable was the brown tuft on the top of his fuzzy little head.
Lost in a beer induced haze, Giles was totally oblivious to the show his Slayer was enjoying. Giles started singing along with the Latin hottie.
You're a Mata Hari I wanna know your story, in the Sahara sun I wanna be the only one that's gonna come and take you, make you, shake your bon-bon shake your bon-bon...
Spinning around, eyes closed, Giles swiveled his hips, never missing a beat.
"Woo, Woo!" At the sound of clapping and wolf-whistles, Giles eyes snapped open. He blurrely focused on his grinning Slayer. "Go Giles." She called out. "Shake that bon-bon!"
"B-b-buffy!" Giles stammered, mortified at losing his Watcher dignity. He rushed over to the CD player and stopped Ricky mid bon.
"Hey!" Alf yelled, coming into the Slayers view. "What happened to bon-bon." He stood by the couch weaving ever so slightly.
"OH. MY. GOD!" Buffy exclaimed. Her eyes going round as saucers. "You're you're.." It was her turn to stammer.
"Wow!" Alf leered at Buffy. "Who's the hottie?" His nose quivered.
"That's Buffy." Giles said stepping in front of Buffy to protect her from a potentially horny alien.
"WoW!" Alf grinned. "What a stunner! Ripper, you sly dog!"
"Oh my God!" Buffy repeated, brushing past Giles. "You're Alf." She whispered in awe. "Giles, you know Alf and you never said." She glared at him.
"Well I," Giles started nonplussed, "it never came up.." He trailed off, realizing Buffy wasn't paying attention to him. All her focus was on the tipsy alien.
"Damn." Giles muttered, "He always got the chicks. Damn fur."
"But I thought you were a puppet.."
"Puppet, shmuppet!" Alf cut her off in disgust. "What, do I look like I have a hand shoved up my ass?" He demanded, hands on hips.
"Alf," Giles said warningly. "Don't"
"Well I.." Buffy sputtered.
"No I don't! It's all that pigs fault!" Alf started to pace.
Giles rolled his eyes. "Here we go with the pig again." He muttered.
"Babe?" Buffy asked, puzzled.
"No sugar. THE PIG! Miss Piggy! I mean for a pig she's one hottie! Well, at least she was till she became a Prima Porker! Man, could she party! The stories I could tell you." He sighed. "Anyway, here we are, ALIEN LIFE FORMS, she meets up with guy, Hanson, Hinson, something like that." He waved one little hand in dismissal. "And, Voila! Everyone thinks we're all cute little muppets!" He spat out.
"You mean Kermie is"
"No, no, she was the only real one. But because of her, everyone thinks I'm a friggin puppet!" He a foot in disgust. "Do you know what that did to my sex life?" He demanded.
"Ahh." Buffy didn't quite know how to answer that.
"Oh please!" Giles broke in, shaking his head. "You never got more after that. Escpecially after that stupid show." He laughed. "You got so much, I could barely get in edgewise! I" Giles broke off realizing he had just imparted way too much information.
Buffy swung her head around in shock. She stared at Giles, mouth agape.
"You and, and.." She couldn't finish. Her gaze swung back to Alf who was grinning wickedly, his hands shoved in his pockets. He rocked on his heels waiting to see how Ripper would get out of this one. He'd told him all about the Slayer before their beer induced bon-bon.
Buffy looked back and forth between the two, her expression going from shock to puzzlement to morbid curiosity.
"How. I mean."
"Um, well.." Giles jumped in before Alf could happily explain the intricacies of their intimacies. "Alf?" Giles asked rather loudly. "Isn't it time for your transport?"
"Shit!" Alf exclaimed."What time is it?" He desperatly looked for a clock, forgetting he wore a watch.
"It's 4:05." Buffy told him. "Why?"
Alf ran around Giles living room, kicking beer bottles out of his way in his search for his duffle bag. "Man oh man, the Alpha Centuran transport'll be here in five minutes." He finally spotted the bag behind the sofa. He scurried over giving Buffy a pat on the rear as he surged past her. "See ya ducks!" He threw over his shoulder.
"What! Wait!" Buffy cried out, starting to follow.
"Ripper, my man!" Alf said hopping onto a chair. "It's been fun. If we had longer. Well, you know." Alf said with a lecherous grin.
Giles grinned back, a bit of Ripper gleaming in his eye.
"What the hell." Alf muttered. "For old times sake." He gripped the sides of Giles face and pulled him in for a hot carnal kiss.
Buffy froze in shock as she watched her Watcher and Alf kiss. She was both repelled and strangely turned on by the sight.
Giles and Alf slowly drew apart and looked deeply into each others eyes.
"Right then." Alf cleared his throat, his voice husky. "I'm off to see the wizard! Catch ya on the flipside and all that crap." With one last lingering glance at Giles, he breezed through the door.
Buffy and Giles saw a strangely hued blue light through the window and they both knew Alf was gone.
Giles cleared his throat, "Um, Buffy?" He started, not knowing how to explain. He'd always been careful to keep the details of his Ripper days from her.
"Giles," Buffy interrupted staring up into his face. "I.."
She was interrupted by the loud, excited arrival of the Scoobies.
"Giles!" Xander exclaimed. "Did my eyes decieve me, or did Alf just burst out of your apartment and disappear into a blue light?"
Xander, Willow, Anya and Tara looked at Giles expectantly, clearly waiting fo a story.
Giles looked at Buffy at a loss. "Well.l.l," Giles started to stammer.
"He just got lost." Buffy interrupted him, laying her hand on his arm. She smiled at her Watcher "He thought this was Alpo Century."
Xander shook his head in wonder. "Only on the Hellmouth."
"Wait." Willow said perplexed. "I thought Alf was a TV show?"
"Yes." Tara answered. "Wasn't he just a puppet?"
The Scoobies quibbled back and forth as they disappeared into the kitchen, intent on raiding the fridge.
Giles shared a smile with Buffy, relieved that this would be their little secret.
"Just one question." Buffy said, eyes sparkling.
"Yes." Giles hesitently answered.
"Whose Ricky Martin CD was that?"