Title: Choices 1/5
Author: Ness
Contact: sessa1@cox-internet.com
Written: 09/13/2003
Spoilers: Season 7
Pairing: B/G-eventually
Rating: PG
Summary: What would happen if Giles had to choose between eternal paradise and Buffy? Angst with a happy ending--Wenchie made me. *G*
Feedback: Um, if I asked please, would that help?
Distribution: Anyone that already has permission. Anyone else, please ask first.
Disclaimer: We all know who owns 'em and it ain't me. Joss and Co. are gods in their universe, I'm just a peon in mine.

A/N #1: Thanks to Morr for the beta, it is appreciated. *G*

A/N #2: I had help writing this bad boy, you'll see who when we get to chapter 4. *G*

Dedication: This one's for Gileswench. It's her Birthday and she wanted fic. I obliged. Here are her requirements:

1. I'd like a series of related conversations between Giles and some of the women of Sunnydale. You choose the theme, the timing within the series, and the order of the talks. You may even choose to have some of these happen after the character he's talking to is dead, if you like. These are the women he talks to:
Buffy
Cordelia
Tara
Anya

2. You may also include conversations with any or all of the following if you're so inclined, but they are not required. (I didn't get all of these ladies. *G*)
Jenny
Joyce
Willow
Dawn

And then she added a few more stipulations. ;-)

In at least one of the conversations, Giles must quote at least one of the following authors: Anthony Trollope, John Donne, George Bernard Shaw, or Oscar Wilde. Extra points if he's referenced all of them by the end of the fic.

Giles admitting to liking a current, female recording artist. Extra points if the singer involved is one with a large lesbian following, such as: Melissa Etheridge, Tori Amos, or Indigo Girls.

Buffy comparing Giles favorably to either Angel or Spike. Mondo extra points if it's something to do with his looks or his fighting skills. I'll love you forever if it's about Giles' sexual prowess.

I didn't get all the extra points I could have, but I did my best to work all the requirements in; I'll leave it to you, gentle reader, to decide if I succeeded. *G*

Rupert Giles only briefly saw the car that hit him--and he didn't he feel the hard pavement as he landed. But the memory he would most likely be pleased to have been spared was the terrified screams of his Slayer.

Those would haunt the people who had witnessed the accident for a long time to come.

****

Giles woke, blinking to try and center himself. The room was pitch black, darker than his bedroom should be. What had happened, a blackout? He blinked again, with no noticeable difference. He reached for the bedside table, fumbling for his glasses, before realizing two things.

One: He wasn't in his bed.

Two: He wasn't anywhere he could recognize, and he doubted he would recognize it even if he did have his glasses on.

The last thing he remembered was Buffy's scream of warning just before he turned to see a fast-moving car heading directly for him and an excruciatingly painful meeting of flesh and metal.

"Hey, Giles," a feminine voice sounded out of the gloom.

"Who's there?" He tried his best to pinpoint the location from which the voice came, but to no avail. The darkness didn't allow him to find the woman talking to him.

"You mean, you don't remember my voice?" The voice sounded slightly amused. "I'm hurt, crushed even." A disembodied hand reached out to hand him his glasses. "Here, see if these help."

Giles could see his surroundings grow brighter even as he fumbled with his glasses.

"Where are we? Surely, not in Heaven?" He burst out when he saw who was standing in front of him.

Cordelia Chase raised a questioning brow at his incredulous tone. "You know, if I didn't know better, I'd swear I had just been insulted."

"Of course not," Giles stammered. "I was just--" He didn't understand, if he were dead, why Cordelia Chase was here with him. Granted, the Sunnydale and Los Angeles contingencies weren't known for their ability to communicate with each other, but he hadn't heard anything about the dark-haired Seer dying. And he did know about that little complication in her young life, had wondered about her ability to withstand all that choice would entail. She had handled it remarkably well, from all indications. He shook his head, trying to clear it from the questions scurrying about like mice intent upon finding a hole to hide in.

"Just wondering what the hell you and I are doing in the same place?" She finished for him, unaware of his thoughts.

A nod was the only answer she got.

"It would take too long to explain why I'm here, Giles." Cordy helped him stand and led him to two chairs. She had a job to do and that didn't entail getting bogged down by trying to explain how the Powers had tapped her to deal with this problem because she knew all the players involved. They *really* didn't want the Watcher staying in Heaven, they needed him on the mortal plane for a while longer, but they couldn't take the choice away from him. Apparently, even the Powers-That-Be had to play by some rules, and that meant they couldn't force him back. That left her with the task of giving him enough information, and motivation, to make the right decision. "Let's just say, we're here because you've got a choice to make, Giles," she said cryptically.

"Choice?" He didn't try to keep the confusion out of his voice.

"You're dying, Giles," was the blunt answer. "And right now, you get the choice on whether or not you live." Cordelia took the seat facing him and studied him.

"Are you telling me this is some sort of Dickens' Christmas Carol dream?" Giles scoffed.

"Nope, there's no ghosts in sight." She cocked her head to one side for a moment and thought. "Unless, of course, you count Dennis." She grinned at an unseen being. "I'm definitely not a ghost either. As to the chains on the first guy, none of those in sight--unless, there's something you wanted to share with the class about yourself?" She drawled as she raised a sculpted eyebrow in mocking challenge.

Giles blushed, which caused him to curse himself. He was a man approaching his fifth decade and he was blushing like an untried schoolboy because of a bit of innuendo from a former pupil.

Cordelia laughed at the flush creeping up the former Watcher's neck.

"What's going on here, Cordelia? If I am being given the choice as to whether I live or die, I would presume that I am, at the very least, in limbo." Giles forced himself to focus, and began to analyze what had happened to him so far. "If that is the case, then why are you here? Unless you're dead?" He still didn't believe that possibility. Someone would have told them if Cordelia Chase had left this mortal plane.

Cordelia shook her head. "Nope, I'm not dead." She cocked her head to one side, as though she was listening again. "Let's just say that I'm a messenger," she continued. "You were hit by a car and the Power-That-Be are giving you a choice."

"To live or die?" The Watcher's confusion was painfully evident.

She nodded. "Feel very privileged. They don't do this for just anybody." They don't have to do this for just anybody, she thought wryly.

"What are my choices?" He asked as he attempted to grapple with the information she was giving him.

"Two," Cordelia admitted bluntly. "You can go back or you can stay here, or rather, move on from here to your reward."

"Which is?" He definitely wanted to find out where he would be going if he moved on.

"Heaven." The dark-haired Seer looked at him for a moment. "You didn't really think they'd send you to Hell after all you done, did you?"

"I've not always done good works, Cordelia," Giles reminded her grimly.

"You made *mistakes*, Giles," she corrected firmly.

"What I've been guilty of is a bit more than just mistakes." The Watcher refused to let himself off the hook so easily.

"No, you're not evil, Giles, no matter what you think about yourself. You screwed up, but trust me, you're not the only one who ever has," Cordelia absolved him, her face clouding at her own memories.

Giles wondered at the changes in the young woman standing before him. She was still quick with a retort and hiding an intelligence that would shock many. But there seemed to be a new awareness, a new maturity, that wasn't there during her Sunnydale years. What had happened to her since her departure from the Hellmouth? The need to offer her comfort suddenly gripped him. "I'm not sure what's happened to you since the last time we saw one another, but mistakes aren't always bad things, Cordelia. A life spent making mistakes can be, not only more honorable, but more useful, than a life spent doing nothing."

Cordelia cocked her head to one side and gave him a 'the-hell-you-say' look. She also chuckled, knowing she had him. "If you believe that, then you've gotta let yourself off the hook and believe that you have a place in Heaven. Anyway," she continued, before any protests could be formed. "Heaven or going back, those are your choices."

"Is it really much of a choice?" Giles asked bitterly. "I've been told that I'm no longer needed or wanted."

"Buffy needs you, Giles, she just doesn't always know it--or how to tell you," Cordelia told him quietly.

"That's a matter of opinion." He wasn't prepared to let go of the hurt quite that easily.

"Buffy's not the only one that needs you, Giles. You've helped a lot of other people over the years and they need you too." Cordelia's voice rang with conviction.

"I've been nothing more than a Watcher in Sunnydale," Giles replied bitterly. "Anyone else could have done the same job."

Cordelia stared at him. "You really believe that, don't you?" She asked, disbelief warring with the shock that he couldn't see what a difference he'd made in so many peoples' lives.

"I believe it because it's true." Giles looked back at the years in Sunnydale with a mixture of pride in his Slayer and grief that he'd accomplished nothing else in his life. Growing older had brought into focus just how much he'd wanted something to leave behind besides a legacy attained by being a Watcher. He was forced to admit that he would be remembered by nothing else but his status as Watcher to one of the greatest Slayers in history. Which as nothing to sneeze at, but not nearly as much as he'd wanted.

"What about what you did for me?" Cordelia watched him come back from the place where his regrets lived and focus on her again. "What about before graduation when I came to see you?"

Giles cast his mind back to that day and picked out the memory like an old photograph.

"Do you remember what happened?" She asked quietly.

He nodded. "You came to see me to tell me that you were going to Los Angeles after graduation."

"No, I came to tell you that, once again, I was destined to fail at what I'd chosen to do." Cordelia's heart clenched at the memory. She'd been full of bravado with everyone else, assuring them that she would be a big star before they knew it. But inside? Inside, she'd been calling herself a coward ever since she'd decided to leave Sunnydale. She was running, and she knew it, even if no one else did. She couldn't stay where she'd been so much and then so little.

Giles was processing that bald statement, when he became disoriented. When he recovered, he was standing in the Sunnydale High School library. He could see himself shelving books as the door opened and Cordelia came in. He fought down the sense of déjà vu and watched the scene unfold. He remembered most of it, but the analytical part of his mind was curious as to what time had erased from his memory over the years.

****

"Hi, Giles," she greeted the younger version of himself.

"Hello, Cordelia. I'm afraid Xander and the others aren't here right at the moment."

"I'm not here to see them," Cordelia said quietly.

Giles sensed something in her tone that had him quietly putting the books in his hand down and giving her his full attention. "Cordelia, what's wrong?"

She fought for the control that she'd spent the entirety of her young life perfecting before saying the words that felt like both an admission of failure and a get-out-of-jail-free card. "I'm leaving Sunnydale after graduation."

Being a man who prided himself on his ability to control, and hide his emotions, if the occasion demanded it, he could see what the words were costing her behind her façade. He took gestured for her to go into his office. He glanced at his watch and noticed, with relief, that Buffy and the others weren't due for almost an hour. He would have time to find out what was going on.

Cordelia went into the office and sat down, waiting for Giles.

Giles came in, shut the door, and sat down behind his desk. "Are you sure?" He asked the question that was foremost in his mind. He knew the kind of courage this decision must have taken, but he wanted to be absolutely sure that she did as well.

"I can't stay here, Giles." Cordelia felt tears prick her eyes and cursed them. "I can't stay here and be pitied or laughed at." She clenched her teeth at the thought of either one.

"You think Los Angeles is the place for you?"

She shrugged. "It's as good as any." She laughed, with no mirth in it. "Besides, if I fail there, it's not like anybody'd know or care."

"We would care, Cordelia," The Watcher corrected her softly.

"You only tolerated me because of Xander," she said, bitterness creeping in despite her effort to keep it out.

"I won't insult your intelligence by telling you that wasn't true in the beginning, Cordelia." Giles held up a hand to forestall anything she might say. "But we have come to appreciate you in your own right." He saw blatant disbelief in her eyes. "Very well," he admitted. "*I* have come to appreciate you."

Her indelicate snort said more than words could have.

"You disbelieve me?" He raised his eyebrow in calm questioning.

"You could say that," she shot back.

He leaned back in his chair, the picture of studied nonchalance. "I admire strength, Cordelia." He almost laughed at the confusion on her face. "And right now, you're wondering what that has to do with you."

Cordelia nodded, despite herself.

"You are a strong person, Cordelia. Much stronger than you realize." He sighed and leaned forward, hoping to convince her of his sincerity. He knew what doubting yourself at such a young age could do to a person.

"Not so strong, Giles," she disagreed.

"Cordelia--"

This time, it was she who stopped his words. "No, Giles. I know who I am. I'm a spoiled little girl that has suddenly found out that she can't have whatever she wants whenever she wants it." And no one would know just how hard that was to admit out loud--to anyone. "I'm going to L.A. If by some chance I do what I keep saying I'll do, then well and good. If not." She shrugged. "Well, if not, then no one I know will see me crash and burn."

Giles didn't like the absolute finality in her voice. It was as though she had decided that she would fail. If she felt that way, she would not succeed, and he feared what failing would do to her. He stood and moved around his desk to perch on the edge in front of her. "Cordelia?" He waited until he had her complete attention. "I have no doubt that you will succeed at whatever you desire. But," he continued. "Do not limit yourself to what you believe you can do." He gave her a small, rare smile. "You are much more than you think you are. Never doubt that."

Cordelia would have answered, but was prevented from doing so by the early arrival of Buffy and the others.

****

Meanwhile, the Cordelia that had brought an older, and sadder, Giles to this scene materialized behind said Watcher.

"Do you remember now?" She asked softly.

He jumped in surprise and smothered an oath.

She chuckled.

"Must you bloody do that?" He whispered fiercely.

"Yes, I bloody must," she mimicked him playfully.

"In answer to your question. Yes, I do remember this now," he said, ignoring her jests.

"You were the only one who understood." Her playful mood turning serious. "The only one that saw past the bravado and saw the real me."

Giles heard the intense emotion in her voice and wondered at it. Had he really made that much of a difference? He had really helped her that much?

"You gave me something to hold onto, Giles." Cordelia looked at him, willing him to understand what he'd given her. "Before Angel found me, I was running seriously low on faith in myself. When I didn't have any, I thought back to what you told me and held onto *your* faith in me."

Giles swallowed hard, willing the lump in his throat away. He'd never realized how the few minutes he'd spent with her that day had affected her. He was both amazed and humbled by the knowledge.

***

"You're acting like a child," she told him bluntly, after wrangling with him for the better part of an hour after their trip down memory lane. He still refused to see what he meant to those waiting for him on the mortal plane.

His head snapped up at the accusation. "You don't know what you're talking about," Giles retorted hotly. He'd been trying to make her understand that, even though he was grateful to her for showing him he'd helped her, it didn't mean that Buffy felt the same way.

"I know you're holding on to hurt feelings and wounded pride when the woman you've sworn to protect and aid needs you the most," she told him, not caring if she pissed him off.

"What would you know of oaths, Cordelia?" The aforementioned pride rearing its ugly head.

"You'd be surprised," she replied drolly.

He cast her a hard look, wondering once again about the woman standing before him, who was, for all intents and purposes, a complete stranger.

"What do we do now?" He asked after a moment.

"You think about what I've said. You can leave this place and take your spot in Heaven, or--"

"Or I can go back," Giles finished for her.

Cordelia nodded.

"Do I decide now?" For some reason, he wasn't ready to make the decision now.

"No, you've got a few more visitors before you have to give an answer."

"Visitors? What visitors?" He was beginning to feel like a character in a bloody play.

"You'll see," the Seer said as she winked at him. "You really need to tell her, though," was the last cryptic statement she made.

"Tell her? Tell who? And tell her what?" Giles asked, right before the room suddenly began to spin. When it came to a stop, Cordelia was gone, another familiar face taking her place.

****

Buffy sat by the hospital bed, trying desperately not to cry. She couldn't stop reliving the moment that Giles had been struck by that car. The image of his body flying through the air and landing with a sickening thump would live on in her nightmares for the rest of her life.

"You have to wake up, Giles, you just have to," she whispered as she grasped his hand like a lifeline. "You're not the one that's supposed to die, remember? I'm the one that dies--I've always been prepared to be the one that leaves. I don't think I can stand it if you die," she finished on a broken sob.

Buffy'd thought that the worst thing that could have happened to her was when Giles had left her and gone back to England. She was discovering that the thought of him not being somewhere in the world was infinitely worse. At least, she'd known he was safe in England. Of course, who would've thought that a hit-and-run driver would be the one to take out the most formidable man she'd ever known? She smothered a laugh that bordered on hysterical

"Buffy?"

The Slayer turned to find her little sister standing hesitantly in the doorway to Giles' room.

"Yeah?" It took all of Buffy's control not to tell Dawn to leave her. More than anything, she wanted to be alone with Giles, wanted to tell him what he meant to her.

But she didn't, because Dawn was hurting too and Buffy refused to add to that pain. The young girl who was once a Key had suffered enough.

"Willow and Xander are waiting outside. They want to talk to you." Dawn looked at the man lying motionless on the stark, white bed. "I'll stay with Giles while you're gone," she offered quietly.

Buffy nodded once before leaving. The sooner she found out what her friends wanted, the sooner she could return to her Watcher.

Dawn took her sister's seat by the bed and gently took the hand that Buffy had just released.

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