Title: Choices 5/5 (Epilogue)
Author: Ness
Contact: sessa1@cox-internet.com
Written: 09/13/2003
Spoilers: Season 7
Pairing: B/G-eventually
Rating: PG
Summary: What would happen if Giles had to choose between eternal paradise
and Buffy? Angst with a happy ending--Wenchie made me. *G*
Feedback: Um, if I asked please, would that help?
Distribution: Anyone that already has permission. Anyone else, please ask
first.
Disclaimer: We all know who owns 'em and it ain't me. Joss and Co. are gods
in their universe, I'm just a peon in mine.
A/N #1: Thanks to Morr for the beta, it is appreciated. *G*
A/N #2: I had help writing this bad boy, you'll see who when we get to
chapter 4. *G*
Dedication: This one's for Gileswench. It's her Birthday and she wanted
fic. I obliged.
The requirements for the fic challenge are in part 1.
Giles sat in the darkness of his flat, listening to the bluesy sounds of Bonnie Raitt, trying to untangle the confusion in his mind. It had been three weeks since his release from the hospital and he still hadn't spoken to Buffy of his feelings. Whether it was because of his recovery or his cowardice, he couldn't say.
He only knew that with each passing day his guilt grew. Oh, it wasn't because he didn't love his Slayer, he did.
He raised the glass of scotch to his lips and drank, wondering if he would allow himself its sweet oblivion tonight. Even as he considered it, he discarded the idea. Why should he be allowed to forget what happened if Jenny was not given the same luxury? Because he knew, without a doubt, that Jenny remembered every moment of her death and everything else that had occurred since then.
Had he betrayed her again, his anguished mind asked? He'd turned away from her when the debacle with Angelus had occurred, denying her and their feelings for one another. Had he done so again when he'd chosen to be with Buffy?
He sighed; the feelings for the dark gypsy woman and his Slayer were tangled and confused. He loved Buffy and would never, could never, deny that. But he also couldn't deny the love he'd felt for Jenny. She'd been, in the ways that counted, his first love. He'd told Buffy, standing over Jenny's grave, that he'd buried others in the course of his duties as a Watcher, but Jenny was the first time he'd had to say goodbye to someone he'd loved.
He had loved her.
And then betrayed her; leaving her to be killed by Angelus.
How many times had he asked himself one crucial question? If he hadn't been so bloody stubborn and narrow-minded, could he have saved her that night? Could he have destroyed Angelus before the vampire destroyed Jenny?
These were questions that would never be answered, and they haunted him. Especially now. Jenny had given up so much for him and those in his charge. Had she lied to him as he lay dying? Had she told him that he needed to be with Buffy because that's what, in his subconscious mind, he so desperately wanted to hear?
Had she sacrificed for him yet again?
Giles closed his eyes and allowed the tears to come. For all the what-was and what-might-have-beens.
****
Buffy stopped at Giles' front door. She'd argued with herself all the way here. She still remembered his whispered, 'how do I tell you'. He was keeping something from her, and she decided that, no matter what it was, it was time that he told her. Her feelings for her Watcher had smacked her in the face when he lay dying. But, in a rare moment of insight for her, she'd left him alone, because she knew that forcing him to discuss his feelings wouldn't make things any easier.
But it had been three damned weeks. When was he going to talk to her? She' d helped take care of him, but he had done his best not to be alone with her. And the few times they were, he refused to discuss what had happened to him.
She squared her shoulders and settled her hand on the doorknob; he was going to talk to her right now.
The darkness of the apartment startled her. There weren't any lights on. The only illumination came from the streetlights outside.
The music was what she noticed next. It took her a moment to place the singer, but her mom had listened to Bonnie Raitt all the time, so she knew her music. Buffy shook her head, wondering when Giles had started liking Bonnie Raitt? Or had he always and she'd just never taken the time to find out?
"Giles?" The Slayer peered into the darkness. "Are you here?"
"And where else might I be?" The soft response came out of the gloom.
Buffy came completely in and closed the front door. Her hand reached for the light switch, but his voice stayed it.
"Leave the lights be, Buffy." Giles' voice commanded.
"What's wrong, Giles?" Buffy felt the knot of apprehension that had taken up permanent residence in her stomach since the accident grow and move into the region of her heart.
"Why should anything be wrong," he asked sardonically. "I'm alive, left paradise to do it, but I'm alive."
Buffy felt as though someone had punched her. Giles had been in Heaven? And he hadn't told her? Oh God.
"You were in Heaven?" she whispered.
Giles cursed himself for the bald statement. He should have known how she would react to it.
He sighed, well that was nothing to be done about it now. "I suppose the word 'paradise' would be inaccurate. I wasn't actually in Heaven," he explained. "I was just this side of, I suppose." He shrugged and took another drink.
She blanched. Had he been ripped from the peace and tranquility as she had?
"Were you forced to come back?" Buffy asked in a small voice.
Giles shook his head. "No, I made the choice to return."
"Why?" The one word was full of confusion. Why would he choose to leave there?
Giles was silent for so long that Buffy didn't think he was going to answer.
"I didn't belong there," he paused before shaking his head. "No, that's not right, it wasn't that I didn't belong there, my *heart* didn't belong there," he finished quietly.
"What do you mean?"
Giles heaved a deep sigh, trying to decide if telling this courageous young woman was the right thing to do. His heart made the decision for him.
"I couldn't choose Heaven, Buffy, because my heart, my destiny, is here with you." He watched her process the words and decided that an even clearer statement was called for. "I love you, my Slayer."
Buffy's heart dropped--and then soared.
Giles couldn't read her face. He wasn't sure if she was pleased or disgusted by his declaration. It didn't really matter, because he knew what he had to do.
Buffy was ecstatic, she could finally tell him how she felt without worrying about him rejecting her. Before she could form the words though, his next sentence tore her heart apart.
"But love isn't enough, Buffy." Giles closed his eyes, willing himself to be strong enough to get through this. "I can't allow myself to act on that love. I don't have the right." He turned from her, to walk to the window and stare blindly into the night.
Buffy couldn't say anything for a minute, which was probably a good thing. It allowed her to think before she spoke, something that she was learning that she needed to do occasionally. She knew that nothing would make him change his mind if he truly didn't want to, but she also knew there were things she didn't know about. Maybe she should tackle those first?
"Tell me about where you were?" She asked quietly.
Giles flinched as though she'd struck him. How could he tell her the things that were said to him? Would she even understand?
He took a deep breath, bracing himself, because he knew, in the end, he could deny her nothing. Giles quietly told her about his time in paradise, so immersed in the memory that he failed to see the color drain from her face at the mention of her mother. He did, however, notice the sharp indrawn breath that she couldn't keep in.
"Buffy, I'm sorry," he said as he cursed himself for his insensitivity. He should have known that hearing about her mother would be painful.
"Don't be sorry," Buffy replied as she waved away his apology. She couldn't stop the stab of envy that shot through her at the mention of her mother. She'd wanted to see her when she was in Heaven, but whoever was in charge wouldn't allow it, even though they made her feel loved and safe in every other way. Maybe they knew that no spell in the world would have made her come back if she'd gotten to hug her mom just one time. "What'd Mom have to say?"
Giles didn't miss the longing in his Slayer's voice at the mention of her parent and cursed himself yet again. He was a fool of the first order for causing her such pain for no other reason than not choosing his words more carefully. "She told me I needed to come back to you." He still had a hard time believe that. How could the woman who had been so condemning of his relationship with Buffy come to believe that they belonged together? He knew that it was true, he just didn't understand it.
"My mom?" Buffy asked incredulously. Never in a million years would she have believed that her mom would send her Watcher back to her.
He nodded.
"Wow." Buffy was dumbfounded. Her mom--wow. She shook herself. "So you came back because you thought you should?" She couldn't hide the disappointment, and hurt, in her voice.
"No!" Giles denied. "I came back--, I came back because--, damn!" He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. How could he make her understand how he felt, yet also make her see that he couldn't be with her.
"Why not?" A voice whispered in his ear. A voice that sounded remarkably like Jenny Calendar. He pushed the thought aside; it was only his imagination working overtime. He was only hearing her voice because he'd so recently seen her. "Are you sure about that?" The voice whispered again.
Buffy watched him drift away from her, lost in his own world and she cried inside. She hadn't known what he meant to her until she'd stood to lose him completely. Now, she didn't think she'd ever get the chance to show him just what he *did* mean to her.
"Giles?" Her voice was tentative. "If you won't do anything about loving me, why did you come back?"
Giles rubbed his eyes with a weary hand as he turned her quiet question around in his mind. Why did he come back if he was going to deny himself the very reason why he returned? It wasn't a question he was sure he could answer anymore.
When he had seen Buffy in such pain in that hospital room, he couldn't think of doing anything other than what he did--which was come back to her. Now, he couldn't see anyway to show her how he felt that wouldn't feel like a betrayal of Jenny.
Jenny watched him from above and wondered how she would make this right. When she'd gone to see him, she had never intended to cause him such pain. The only thing she'd wanted was to hold him and say goodbye. If she was totally honest with herself, she had to admit that the thought of his staying with her had held a great deal of appeal. But it wasn't something that she seriously thought would happen, it was just something in her dreams; something that she hoped for.
Now, the thing she'd hoped for was causing him to throw away the chance for happiness that was in his grasp. She couldn't let that happen.
Giles was in the middle of wondering what he would do with the rest of his life when there was a flash of light and when his eyes adjusted, he was shocked to see Buffy frozen in place and Jenny standing before him again.
"Jenny? What are you doing here?" The Watcher looked around, unsure of what to think. "Am I dying again?"
"No, you're not dying again, but you are making a huge mistake, English." Jenny put a hard note in her voice, hoping to get him to see reason.
"What are you talking about?" Giles blustered. He didn't want to do this again. He gave her up once, betrayed her once, he didn't have the energy or resolve to discuss the issue with her.
"You're blowing it, Rupert, and I won't watch you do it." Now that she was here, Jenny could see the anguish, and exhaustion, in his eyes. She didn't have to work very hard to get the impatience into her voice. "You have a chance to have a good life with the woman you love and you're allowing your stiff-necked, guilt-ridden, English pride to keep you from it." She put her hands on her hips and gave a damned good impression of a pissed-off woman. "I'm not having it."
"I can't be with Buffy," Giles said, all spirit going out of him.
"Why?" Jenny knew the answer, but she wanted him to tell her.
"Because it's not fair to you," was the quiet answer.
She sighed. Damn all stubborn Englishmen!
"Do you think I want you to be unhappy for the rest of your life?" She demanded. "Do you think I helped them convince you to come back to Buffy because I wanted you to reject her?" Jenny hadn't cried in Heaven since she 'd arrived, but she'd shed tears plenty since Rupert had made the decision to come back to the mortal plane. For him to take that sacrifice, a sacrifice she would make again in a heartbeat, and throw it away made her furious.
"I know you don't want me to be unhappy--" he began.
"You're damned right I don't want you to be unhappy." Jenny was shaking. "I watched you almost die trying to kill Angelus, English. I watched you cry when you went back to your apartment and looked at where he left me." Suddenly, all anger left her. She crossed the room to lay a gentle hand on his cheek. "I watched you cry when you put me in the ground."
"I still grieve for you, Jenny," Giles said softly, his hand covering hers.
"Do you think I *wanted* your tears?" Jenny dropped her hand, but allowed him to see the moisture in her own eyes.
He shook his head, grief shining in his eyes.
"I don't want your tears, Rupert," she said softly. "I never did."
"What do you want from me, Jenny?" Giles was at an impasse. On one hand, he felt extremely disloyal to Jenny, just thinking about being with Buffy. He realized this was foolish considering his relationship with Olivia not too long ago, but the emotional and spiritual bond he shared with Buffy seemed so much more intimate than anything he'd shared with Olivia. Therefore, it was that much harder to justify to the woman standing before him.
"You don't have to justify anything to me," Jenny said, laughing softly at his shocked expression. "No, I didn't read your mind; you're just very easy to anticipate."
Giles flushed, from embarrassment or shock, he couldn't say.
She sobered. "I don't want your tears, your justifications or your sacrifices, English. I just want you to be happy--and Buffy makes you happy," the techno pagan finished softly.
"Jenny, I--"
She put her fingers to his lips. "No, Rupert. Don't think, don't analyze, just feel."
He nodded.
Jenny reluctantly dropped her hand again and just stared at him for a long moment. "I do love you, you know," she said at last, stepping back from him.
He nodded again.
Between one breath and the next, she was gone.
Buffy suddenly came to life and was prepared to pick up the argument when she noticed him standing in a different place than where he'd been before.
"Giles?"
"Yes, Buffy?"
The Slayer looked at him, wondering if she was still fighting a losing battle. "What just happened?"
"You could say I had a special visit from an old and dear friend," he said as he crossed to stand in front of her.
"What did this old and dear friend say?" Buffy didn't dare breathe. She could see something in his eyes that caused hope to flare and burn in her. She wasn't sure she could survive if he doused the flame again.
"She told me that I needed to live my life with the woman I love." Giles stepped closer, the heat of his body touching her through her clothing.
"And?" Buffy asked breathlessly.
"I think she's right," he said, just before his head dipped to claim her lips in a searing kiss.
After a moment, he raised his head to see his Slayer open her eyes slowly.
"Wow," she said, dazedly. "That was--wow."
"I take it you're pleased," Giles asked, a smug look on his face.
"Well, let's put it this way, I've never been kissed like that before."
"Not even by Angel or Spike?" He couldn't believe that one or the other of the two vampires wouldn't have had a bit of finesse, considering how many years of experience they had between them.
"Especially Angel or Spike." She arched an eyebrow. "Trust me, Watcher-mine, I've never had anybody kiss me like you do." She grinned mischievously at him.
Giles couldn't help himself, he burst into laughter.
"I do love you, my Slayer," he chuckled, after gaining control of himself.
That was the second time he'd called her 'his Slayer', and Buffy liked it, a lot.
"That's good," she responded with a seductive smile, "because I happen to love you too."
Giles laughed again and pulled her against him.
High above the small apartment in Sunnydale, a young brunette watched the scene with mixed emotions.
Jenny was thrilled beyond measure that Giles was finally going to be happy. But there was small part of her that was also unbelievably jealous of the blonde he held in his arms.
She felt a touch on her shoulder and saw Joyce Summers standing beside her.
"It's hard, isn't it?" Joyce asked as she stared down at the scene before them.
Jenny just nodded.
"It's for the best, you know." Joyce wasn't sure what else to say to Jenny Calendar, but she knew that what she was saying was the absolute truth, Buffy and Giles belonged together. She also realized just how hard this had to be for the young woman beside her.
"I know. Can I just have a minute?" Jenny asked, her eyes never leaving Rupert Giles.
Joyce nodded and moved away.
"Be happy," Jenny said. After a momentary pause, she added, "both of you."
FINIS