Title: Clueless 4/20
Authors: Kim & Jen
Feedback: Oh yes, please! It's our drug of choice.
Disclaimer: We don't, never have, never will. We own our obsession with the G-man. We let them have fun and return them relatively unscathed to the Jossverse. Although, they probably have more fun with us.
When they reached the hallway, the group looked from floor to ceiling and door-to-door. Buffy came to a sheepish stop and looked at Giles. Seeing her chagrin, he decided to come to her rescue, for a change.
"Um, Huxley, you said?" Giles asked.
"Yes, sir."
"Would you be so good as to show us the layout of the house?"
"Very good, sir. Walk this way."
Xander moved quickly behind the butler and copied his smooth movements.
Giles rolled his eyes at Xander and pulled him back as Huxley left the study and led them across the hall.
He opened two doors and ushered them in to a white paneled room.
"This is the lounge. There is very little to see here, but you may inspect the room, if you wish," Huxley told them.
The group wandered around the room, picking up and looking at various objects. Buffy moved closer to Giles and tapped him on the shoulder.
"You seem used to being around hired help. Did you grow up around them?"
"I did," Giles answered. "Father was heir to a minor dukedom in the West Country. We lived rather comfortably."
"We? Who's we?" Buffy asked.
"My brothers, mother, and I. When Father passed, the title went to my brother Christopher."
"Is he a Watcher too?"
"No. As the eldest, he was predestined to manage the estates and all it entailed."
Buffy stared at Giles. "Estates? Plural?"
"Yes," Giles said with a slight smile on his face. He couldn't wait to see the look on Buffy's face. "Mother is a distant cousin of the Royal Family."
Buffy's jaw dropped. "Royal family? You.you're. Giles! I once called you a god, but maybe I should have said Lord. Hey!" Buffy exclaimed. "Is that why you say 'oh dear Lord' all the time?" she teased.
"Hmmm, perhaps," he mused with a twinkle in his eye. "That also could explain why women used to call out 'Oh Lord' too," he said wiggling his eyebrows at her. Buffy returned his grin.
"Actually," Giles continued, "I do have a title, but in this day and age it's really just a formality. Christopher is now the Duke of Salisbury, but my younger brother Phillip and I are Lords. That and a quid will get you a pint."
"You have brothers named Christopher and Phillip, and your parents named you Rupert? Did they not like you or something?" Buffy asked innocently.
Giles merely raised an eyebrow at her and she giggled.
The butler led them from the room, their heads bent close to continue the conversation.
"Hey, you two, we're supposed to be looking for clues," Willow chided gently.
Buffy threw Giles a quick glance, and then linked her arm with his. "Lord Rupert and I were just discussing the merits of English titles," she said haughtily with a sniff and a toss of her hair.
Willow simply shook her head, "Sometimes you two are too odd even for us."
As the others moved past, Buffy realized Giles had stopped. "What?" she asked.
"You've never called me Rupert before," he said softly.
Buffy looked into his eyes for a moment, "You're right, but things can always change." In one of her mercurial changes, Buffy lightened the mood. "Now come on, your Lordship," she said as she tugged on his arm. "We need you to be clue guy right now."
The pair caught up with the others just as the butler showed them into the dining room.
Xander looked at the table set for eight and smiled. "Hey, any chance we can get something to eat here?"
Anya slapped his arm. "Stop thinking with your stomach. I want to get out of here so we can go home and have orgasms."
Xander flushed slightly, looking at his friends. Noticing that no one was paying attention to them, Xander pulled his love closer and whispered, "I didn't say what I wanted to eat."
Anya grinned and kissed him on the cheek.
At the same time, Willow and Tara were huddled in a corner.
"Ha...have you tried any spells yet?" Tara murmured.
"I thought about it, but after what happened to Spike, I thought I'd better not. I mean, he left. It was raining and then, poof! There he was again, and dry too. Maybe Giles will have some ideas," Willow answered.
As they walked to the kitchen, Dawn held Spike back and let the others pass.
"Spike, did you notice anything in the study?"
"Like what, Niblet?"
"I don't know. Something seemed off after Cheesehead showed up."
"You think that blighter has something to do with this mess?"
"Maybe, or maybe it was something he said. Just keep an eye out, okay?
"Will do, Bit. Let me know if you think of something else."
They entered the kitchen to see the people rooting through drawers and opening cabinets. Giles had reached for a door, when he was thrown backwards. Buffy was immediately at his side and helped him stand.
Looking at Dawn, Spike reached for the same door. It opened easily for him. They gathered around the vampire and peered in the space.
To all appearances, it was a freezer. Meat hung from the walls, and shelves were filled with foodstuffs.
Giles reached into the space again and felt nothing.
Buffy stormed over to Huxley and backed him against a counter.
"What the devil was that? Are you trying to hurt us? Because if you are, I'm gonna put a stompy foot on you."
The butler gulped and stared at the furious faces looking back at him. "I told you. I don't know anything about this house. I've never been here before. Yet somehow, I know everything I need to know about the house."
"Right," Spike drawled. "New born babes have nothin' on you. Look, let's just finish the tour and figure out how to get out of here."
"As much as it pains me to agree with Spike, I concur," Giles said. "Let's finish here."
They finished the search quickly, looking at the ballroom, the solarium, the billiard room (where Xander and Anya gazed at the table appreciatively), the library (from which Buffy had to drag Giles), and back to the study.
"Right, now, what do we know?" Xander asked, rubbing his hands together.
"Sod all," came the reply from Spike.
"Yes, well," Giles said dryly. "We know the layout of the house. But, did anyone find anything relating to the murder?"
"I got nothing," Buffy told him. Murmurs of agreement sounded through the room.
"Hey! I just though of something," Dawn cried.
"What is it, Dawnster?" Xander asked.
"What if we aren't the only ones here? Just because we didn't see anyone down here, doesn't mean that someone can't be somewhere else in the house, right? And why should we take that guy's word about anything, including why we're here?"
Giles and Buffy looked at each other and grimaced. 'Why didn't we think of that?'
"Quite right, Dawn. Huxley?" Giles called.
There was no answer.
The group looked around the room. The butler was nowhere to be found.
"Did he come out of the kitchen when we did?" Anya wondered.
Buffy walked over to the table and picked up an envelope that had her name on it.
"Giles? Come here."
"Yes?" he said coming to stand by her.
"Was this here before?"
"No, it wasn't."
Buffy opened the envelope and pulled out a piece of paper. In cutout letters, the paper said,
"Have fun getting out, Slayer. I know I'm having a ball."
"First the butler disappears and then this?" Buffy said apprehensively.
"Uh guys? That's not all we have to worry about," Xander said, standing by the desk.
"What do you mean?" Giles asked.
"The body is gone too."
"What?" Several voices cried.
"Yep, it vamoosed."
Giles walked over to the desk on peered downward. He looked at Buffy and nodded his head.
"Giles, I'm getting worried."
"So am I, my dear. So am I."