Title: A Conversation Between a Watcher and a Slayer
Author(s): Morr and Ness
Contact: Morwen@sbcglobal.net, sessa1@cox-internet.com
Spoilers: Post season 7
Pairing: None
Rating: PG for a bit of naughty language
Date: 01-30-2005
Disclaimers: We don't own, never have, never will or they wouldn't have needed to have this conversation in the first place.
Authors' notes: A big thank you to Gail for staying up half the night to beta this puppy so we could get it posted within our time limit.
Ness' note: It was a great experiment, but I'm not sure I'd want to try and do this again.
I must admit though, it was a blast writing with Morr. She just usually has to clean up my stuff.
Morr's note: It was great fun writing with Nessie, but like her, I don't wanna do it again.
I mean the experiment part, not the writing. :-)
The taxi stopped as the paved road suddenly became no more than crushed gravel and blackened dirt. The driver turned to his passenger. "Mister, you sure you want to get out here?" Concern for his passenger's state of mind evident.
Giles looked past him to the Jeep Cherokee sitting almost on the edge of gaping hole that was once Sunnydale. Sitting on the ground next to it was woman, her blonde hair blowing in the wind.
"Yes," Giles replied absently. He opened the door, pulled his suitcase and paid the driver, not once taking his eyes off the woman. He walked the short distance until he was standing a few feet behind her. She never once turned around.
"Hey, Giles," she greeted him nonchalantly.
He raised an eyebrow. "You were that sure of me?"
"Well, I did ask you to come."
"I never said I would though," he reminded her. When she didn't respond, he took a deep breath. "You're right, I am here," he said as he set down the suitcase. "Now what's this about? Why couldn't this be discussed over the phone? What is so important?"
She stood up. "Maybe I just wanted to see you."
He folded his arms across his chest. "Really? You haven't even turned around yet."
She shrugged. "Just because I wanted to see doesn't mean I have to see you."
Growing frustrated he asked, "Again, why am I here?"
Buffy finally turned to look at him. "It's been a year."
He replied indifferently. "I do have a calendar at home."
Eyes narrowed in response she asked, "Do you have to be that snarky, Giles?"
"Alright," he agreed, "it's been a year."
"Do you ever wonder about what happened?" She stepped closer, her voice urgent. "Why things happened?"
Puzzled he asked, "In what respect? The Hellmouth?"
Her arms swept out toward the Hellmouth, the sky; the ground. "Everything. Every one has drifted away."
Giles shrugged. "They didn't drift, Buffy. Each of them chose to continue making a difference and went where they felt they could do the most good. They could no longer do that here."
"Just because we defeated the First?" She blew out a frustrated breath. "We couldn't stay together?"
He watched her intently for a moment before answering her thought, not her question. "Not everything is about you, Buffy."
She stepped back, hands clenching and unclenching. "And what exactly is *that* supposed to mean?"
"Willow and Xander and the others did what they felt they needed to do."
Buffy rubbed her arms slowly. "I thought we were family."
Giles touched her hand briefly. "They will always be your family, no matter where they are. Distance will never change that."
She turned back to the Hellmouth. "But you all left me."
He glanced upward briefly. "You didn't need us, Buffy. And they needed to do something for themselves."
She spun back to face him, eyes flashing. "Ahhh, meaning? It was my fault you all left?"
Giles loosened his tie and set down his suitcase. "Why are we having this conversation now? What's brought this about? As you pointed out, a year has passed. Why is this bothering you now?"
Buffy shrugged. "Well, maybe it's not just now." She turned back to the Hellmouth. "Maybe I've been thinking about this for a while."
He tilted his head. "Why me? Why would you choose to discuss this with me? Why not Willow?"
Her shoulders raised and she dropped them with a sudden exhale. "You just seemed to be the one to talk to. You would understand."
"I must admit that surprises me."
She turned back to him. "Why?"
He looked passed her. "Because I haven't been someone you discuss anything with for some time."
Her eyes narrowed. "What exactly is that supposed to mean?"
Giles continued looking out over the Hellmouth. "Buffy we haven't had a civil conversation with each other in years."
Earnestly she replied, "That's not true."
He sighed, shaking his head but made no response.
She grabbed his arm. "What are you shaking your head about?"
Giles pulled out of her grasp and sliced his hand through the air between them. "I don't want to do this again, Buffy."
"What is *this*? I-I -"
He cut her off angrily. "This." He gestured back and forth between them. "I don't want to do this anymore."
Buffy turned away but only for a moment before turning back to face him. "What, you don't want to deal with me, Sunnydale, America? What? What is it you don't want to deal with? Cause you know you took off right after all this happened."
"There were things to do. There was no Council anymore." He moved to the edge of the Hellmouth. "Slayers the world over needed to be contacted, assisted. And the Council needed to be re-formed and revised to do that." He pierced her with a hard look. "You of all people should understand duty."
She recoiled. "I do," she spat. "And I happen to be one of those Slayers, Watcherman. She pressed her hands together. "I mean, you-you didn't you think that I needed you? That I needed my Watcher?
His eyes closed briefly. "I've not been your Watcher for some time, Buffy."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Oh, that's not fair. You've always been my Watcher."
"No I have not." He paused before adding softly, "By your own admission."
She slapped her hand against her chest. "So you're still holding that against me."
His shoulders drew up. "I'm not holding anything *against* you, Buffy."
She raised at hand toward him. "But I thought we got past that and were friends again."
"You slammed a door in my face," he reminded her.
Her hand fell and she stared at her shoes. Quietly she answered the anger in his voice. "I admit I was - I may have been - hasty in doing that."
He stared at the top of her head. *Hasty*?
Buffy looked up at him and raised her chin. "Hasty."
It was several minutes before either spoke, merely staring at each other, neither willing admit fault. Finally, Giles broke the silence. "Is that an attempt at an apology or merely a declaration?"
She shrugged. "Why does it have to be anything other than I was hasty?"
He nodded, understanding what she wasn't saying. "Ah," was all he said.
"*Ah*," she parroted, her anger becoming obvious. "Ya know I hate it when you do that Giles. What does 'ah' mean?"
He fixed her with a long stare. "The same thing as 'hasty'."
She spun around and walked a few feet from him emphasizing the distance between them. A distance neither seemed able or willing to cross.
Giles leaned against the Jeep and removed his tie, setting it on the hood while Buffy paced back and forth. Suddenly she stopped.
"Why are you punishing me, Giles?"
He ran a hand over his face. "Buffy, I'm not - there is no reason for me to be here." He grabbed his tie and took the couple of steps to reach his suitcase. "You don't need me here. You can argue with anyone."
Before he could pick up the suitcase, she was in front of him gripping his shoulders. "I don't want to argue with just anybody. Maybe I want to do it with you."
He stepped back and her arms dropped. He shoved his hands in his pant pockets. "What? Argue with me?"
She folded her hands. "Maybe. If you won't talk to me. Maybe arguing's the only thing we can do."
Giles laughed hollowly. "It's all we have been doing. For the past -" He stopped and shook his head. "Buffy, I haven't seen you in a year. Nor have you initiated contact with that time. My calls to you now are met with single word responses and insignificant queries. Nothing in those conversations would have led me to any conclusion other than the one I reached. You wanted no further contact with me".
She threw her hands up. "Ya know, fine. You don't want to be here - leave," she dared him.
Giles shook his head sadly, picked up his suitcase, pulled out his cell phone and turned toward the remnants of the highway.
He'd only managed a few steps before Buffy was calling him back. "Wait, Giles, please."
He stopped but didn't turn. "Why, Buffy? Tell me what it is you want. What is this about?"
She sighed deeply and sat down on the edge of the Hellmouth. She picked at her sweater absently while she spoke softly, not even knowing if he could hear her. "I don't know what I want." Her voice rose, tinged with aggravation. "All I know is a year ago, everything I ever had, everything I'd ever known, was destroyed. We barely escaped Sunnydale with our lives. I can't even visit my mom's grave because it's in the middle of this hole."
Giles turned back to her yet still didn't move toward her. "Carry her with you. As you always have. No stone or lack of one changes her importance to you."
She remained intent her sweater. "It's just not the same. Not being able to go see her. To know that she's there. Even if it's just a grave."
He rubbed his eyes under his glasses. "Put a marker some place else. Some place you can have just for the two of you. Some place you can go speak to her."
Buffy snorted. "I don't know where that would be, Giles. Dawn's almost grown. She's in high school in LA. I'm just trying to get her through school. I don't know what's gonna happen. She's gonna go to college and she's not gonna need me to be right there anymore."
Giles blew out a frustrated breath. "Of course not. She's growing up." He added in a kinder tone, "That is something you helped her do. But she'll always need you.
She twisted the end of her sweater in her hand and quietly said, "Maybe, but I'll still be alone."
Giles set his suitcase down and took two steps toward her. "It comes to everyone, Buffy. Perhaps you're feeling the begins of empty nest coming on. And that's understandable. But you aren't alone, Buffy. You have friends who care about you."
She refused to meet him even halfway. "Yeah, but they're scattered all over the Earth."
"Yes."
Hearing nothing in his voice, she turned to look at him and didn't like what she saw. "I hate when you stand there so smug looking."
Growing weary of the conversation, he answered, "I'm not being smug, Buffy." He took another step closer. "I do understand what you are feeling. Perhaps you should join them. When Dawn is settled in college, you should go. You would be a great help to them."
She shook her head. "No, Faith's pretty much got Cleveland locked down."
He gazed out at the lengthening shadows. "You could always come to England. The Council could only be enhanced by your presence there."
"The Council," she growled.
He continued, ignoring her comment. "Though I must admit, with you being in LA, I'm surprised you've not been in more contact with Wesley. He tells me he's seen you only briefly."
Almost absently she added, "I don't feel comfortable going to Wolfram and Hart."
He nodded. "I can understand that."
Her eyes narrowed. "And what exactly is that supposed to mean?"
Not wanting to continue arguing with her, he answered tiredly. "Everything I say is not filled with hidden meaning, Buffy. It means precisely what I said."
Buffy groaned in frustration and paced the edge of the Hellmouth for several minutes, lost in her own thoughts. Finally, she turned and took a hesitant step toward him and admitted softly. "I don't know where to go. I don't know what I need to do."
His brows drew together and he asked uncertainly, "Are you wanting me to make some decision for you?"
She snapped back quickly, "It'd be nice if you'd just talk to me instead of psychoanalyzing me."
Wearily he replied: "I am, Buffy." He rubbed the bridge of his nose before adding almost to himself: "At least I'm trying to."
She stepped back from him and folded her arms across her chest. "Everything I say you either have a question or you criticize."
"I haven't been criticizing you, Buffy."
She rolled her eyes. "Sure as hell sounds like it to me."
Irritation crept into his voice. "It always sounds like something other than it is to you."
"There we go with snarky again." She rapidly closed the distance between them. "Ya know, Giles if you're that pissed at me, why don'tcha just say so? Don't dance around it."
He stiffened, but did not back away. "I'm not angry with you."
"Seems like it to me. Granted you can't get past the stiff upper-lipped British thing to find out."
His lips drew together in a thin line. "I'm simply tired of doing this with you. Perhaps the question should be why are you so angry with me?"
Buffy took several steps back, shaking her head. "Who said I was angry with you? You won't talk to me."
Weariness warred with irritation. "Buffy, I've just flown thousands of miles to talk to you. I'm standing here, on what remains of the Hellmouth, talking to you, asking you what I can do to help you and I'm not talking to you?"
Buffy put her head down briefly. "Okay, fine. You flew thousands of miles to come here. I don't know why I'm so mad it you," she conceded. "I haven't seen you in a year and I barely talk to you on the phone."
He nodded once. "Facts of which I am well aware of."
"It's like you abandoned me." She rubbed her hands up and down her arms and turned away, before adding, "Like everybody else does."
"I didn't abandon you, Buffy."
She turned back to him, her anger surging again. "What would you call it? You went back to England."
He took his glasses off and polished them in sharp, controlled motions. "Things had to be taken care of. No one was left to do it. I would think you would understand that."
"Why did it have to be you?"
Giles replaced his glasses before replying evenly, "No one was left with the capabilities to do it."
"You're not the only Watcher that was left alive," she shot back.
"Perhaps not," he snapped out, "but I was the only one experienced enough."
"Says you."
He closed his eyes, rubbing his temples absently. "That's right, Buffy."
She threw her hands up in frustration. "Oh yeah, here we go, placating Buffy. Ya know -"
Giles cut her off sharply. "It's the only way to get through a conversation with you. And I am so very tired of being belittled at every opportunity."
"I don't belittle you," she denied, confused by his comment.
It was several moments before he was able to reply. "You just did."
"What, because I think your patronizing me?"
Giles threw his tie to the ground beside his suitcase. "No, because you think every one possesses the abilities that I have or worse yet, that I posses nothing beyond the knowledge you need at any given instance."
"I never said that," she retorted hotly. "But I don't think you had to go all the way to England, and stay there."
"Buffy, rebuilding a hundreds year old organization is going to take a slightly more than one year," he explained, frustrated. "There is no one yet capable of overseeing things. The few that remain are abroad, searching out the Slayers."
"And I can hear that unspoken thought in your voice: the Slayers that I created," she goaded.
His patience wearing thinner by the minute he asked: "Is that what this is about? Revisiting our history?"
"Maybe. You act like I -"
He interrupted. "Why? You said you were perfectly satisfied with the decision you made. I thought you had no regrets about the choices you made. Why do you want to revisit contentious events?"
"I never said I had no regrets," she contradicted him.
Giles spread his hands, exasperated. "I have no consolations for you, Buffy. You made your choices; you stood behind your decisions regardless of any opinion to the contrary. You have to live with the results of those decisions."
Her voice was quiet. "I've always had to live with my decisions."
Just as quietly, he replied, "Yes you do. Everyone does."
"But you weren't there to help. You, ya know, you voted with them to throw me out of the house, Giles. You didn't even try to understand what was going on. With anything. With Spike, with the Potentials, anything."
His voice went cold. "Spike."
"What exactly is that supposed to mean?" Annoyance dripped from each word.
Giles shook his head in obvious confusion. "You disregarded everything for him." He stopped and ran his hand through his hair. "Buffy, it's not wrong that you follow your heart," he explained gently. "That you still have one is nothing short of miraculous. I never wanted you to lose that. But when you follow it to the exclusion of everything else, it is as wrong as the opposite."
Not wanting to listen to reason, Buffy angrily responded, "What do you mean the exclusion of everything else?"
Giles' anger, also rising, he shot back, "His was the only council you took. All others were wrong. You wouldn't listen to reason."
"None of you tried to understand the position I was in," she shouted.
"What position was that, Buffy?"
"We were in a fight," she pointed out.
"Correct, *we*," he replied evenly.
Defensively she replied, "Yeah, but I was the one having to make the decisions. I was the one that had to make the hard choices and we needed Spike."
He shoved his hands back into his pockets. "Nothing I say is going to change your opinion of this, so why are we discussing it?"
Buffy kicked at the ground in front of her. "Nothing will change if you won't talk to me."
Giles pulled one hand out of his pocket and rubbed the back of his neck, exhausted. "I can't say anything that will make you understand."
She retorted stubbornly, "You want me to understand your position, but you never tried to understand mine."
He dropped his hand and looked at her, aware of the distance between them. "Then tell me now, Buffy."
Deliberately misreading him, she replied, "We needed every able-bodied fighter that we could get. No one that we'd ever fought -"
Giles raised a hand, stopping her, not letting things get sidetracked. "No, Buffy, no, why did we need Spike?"
Again she ignored his deeper meaning. "He was strong and we needed him."
Incredulous, he asked, "When you have a plan to activate every slayer in the world, what is one vampire?"
Evasively, she commented, "So you think I should have killed him."
Giles takes a step toward her. "No, I'm asking you, why Spike? You wanted to discuss it. Why Spike?" He paused for a long moment and they simply stared at each other before he asked: "Why can't you just admit that you cared for him? Why is that so hard?"
She turned away from him, her shoulders hunched protectively. "Because everyone made me feel dirty because I cared about him. Because I didn't want to stake him, because I didn't want him to die." She gave a small shrug.
"Perhaps on some level I can understand that. But given his treatment of you, during your relationship, you've nothing to feel guilty about."
Buffy's head snapped around to stare at him. "You don't know anything about that."
"I know a great deal more than I ever wanted to know," he replied earnestly.
"So how can you stand there and judge me?"
"I'm not judging you."
"Yes, you are."
"No, I'm not."
"Yes, you are."
Giles put up both hands to stop her. "I'm not going to get into a tennis match with you, Buffy."
Not giving in, she added, "Because you know that I'm right."
He laughed shortly, "I know no such thing. I know you believe you are right and nothing is ever going to change that. And anything I say is just going to continue to fuel your anger."
Buffy turned away from him. "You act like you don't even like me anymore."
She waited for a response that didn't come and turned back to him snapping out, "What, nothing to say?"
Giles studied her for a long moment, sorrow growing in his eyes. "There are times that I don't."
The sky continued to darken around them as Buffy wrapped her arms around herself. Her eyes flashed as she replied, "You don't like me and you don't want to be around me, so why did you come today?"
"I still care about you, Buffy, I will always care about you."
Her hands tightened, marking her skin. "That still doesn't tell me why you came."
"You asked me to," he answered softly.
Buffy shook her head, denying the pledge behind those simple words. "You tell me that you don't want to deal with me, that you don't like me, but you'll fly halfway around the world because I ask you to?"
"Yes. Perhaps for myself as much as for you."
Anger again at the forefront she asked, "And what is that supposed to mean?"
He shrugged, "I wanted to see for myself that you were all right."
Buffy turned back to the Hellmouth. "Oh yeah, I'm just dandy," she replied bitterly.
Giles took the remaining steps to bring him next to her. They both looked over the Hellmouth in silence neither knowing how to continue until Giles touched her shoulder hesitantly. "Yes, but what do you want to do about it?"
She leaned into his warmth and tried to explain. "I don't know. I just know I can't keep going like this. I can't keep rehashing everything in my head and I need someone to help me, I need someone to be there for me like you used to be."
"Are you looking for absolution?"
Her frustration evident, she replied, "I don't know what I'm looking for. I just know I can't do it alone."
"I don't know what you want from me, Buffy."
She shrugged away from his touch. "Maybe just to be my damned friend."
Giles stepped back at the venom in her voice and braced himself. "What do you think I'm being now, Buffy?"
"Honestly, Giles, I don't know. I don't know what you're being." She stopped and took a deep breath not knowing what else to say.
"We've never been friends, Buffy."
Buffy recoiled from his softly spoken statement. "What do you mean, we've never been friends?"
"I've only ever been your Watcher, not your confidant," he stated plainly.
She tilted her head, watching him. "You're upset because I didn't tell you everything?"
Giles rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I am too tired to follow your mental gymnastics. I'm not angry at you; I've already told you that."
She continued relentlessly. "You tell me that we've never been friends because I didn't tell you everything? What exactly did I not tell you?"
Giles kept his tone even. "I don't know why, but you are deliberately trying to make me angry. You quite obviously do not want to have a rational conversation with me."
She rounded on him. "Oh, great. So now I'm irrational. So because I'm not communicating the way you think I should, then I'm not rational and you're not going to talk to me."
Deliberately and calmly he stated, "Buffy, I am talking to you."
"Nuh uh, once again, you're criticizing me. Nothing I do is good enough." She jabbed a finger in his chest with each point. "Do you know what it's like to be told that I don't know what I'm doing? When we were fighting the First, everyone was telling me that I was being too dictatorial. And I'm sorry, I just keep coming back to the fact that all of you *threw* me out of my own house. But in the end, I was the one who figured out how to defeat Caleb and the First."
He grabbed her hand roughly, shoving it away. "Yes you did. I never doubted your abilities. You doubted mine."
"I'm the Slayer."
"You didn't want our help."
"I'm the Slayer," she repeated unnecessarily.
"Yes," Giles agreed heatedly, "everyone is very well aware of that. No one questions that." His anger deflated suddenly. "You've been an incredible Slayer. I've never disputed that."
Her eyes narrowed. "Why do I hear a 'but' coming behind that?" When he didn't respond she rushed on. "Admit it Giles, you didn't trust my judgment where the First was concerned and where Spike was concerned. You-- you didn't believe -"
He cut her off. "No, you didn't trust mine."
She shook her head in bewilderment. "Because I disagreed with you? Because I thought we needed Spike?"
"No," he retorted. "You dismissed my opinion totally out of hand, as you have done for years."
Buffy looked genuinely confused. "Tell me when I've done that?"
"Do you recall the Initiative?"
"What do they have to do with this?"
"Buffy, I researched them for months. All the time, you knew who and what they were. You were even working with them, yet you never saw fit to enlighten me." His eyes bored into hers. "It took Willow's offhand comment before I knew."
She flushed, stammering, "I was in college, Giles. I had other things that I had to do."
Giles dismissed her excuses easily. "This was a Slayer matter and you didn't discuss it with me at all, which is typical of you."
She latched onto his last comment. "Typical? Meaning what, exactly?"
Giles swore under his breath, refusing to rise to her baiting.
Buffy stood toe-to-toe with him. "You know, you act as though you've never done anything wrong, that you've never done anything to betray *me*."
He stood his ground. "No, Buffy, I haven't said anything of the sort."
She continued to speak, oblivious to his words. "Or to lie to me." She tapped her finger against her chin. "Hmmm, let's think about this, shall we? You almost got me killed on my 18th birthday. You want to talk about omission? You want to talk about lying and not telling someone what they need to know?"
She jabbed her finger in his chest again. "You and your *precious* Council not only almost got me killed, you almost got my mother killed too. You didn't tell me about this test that a bunch of old men in England decided to give me *and* you helped them." She backed away from him. "I don't care if you did have an attack of conscience and came to help me. Why the hell couldn't you have had that attack before you stuck that needle in me?"
"I did."
"But you still did it."
His shoulders dropped and he turned away from her. "I have no explanations that you will understand. Sometimes, I don't understand them myself. Being a watcher is very ingrained. I did not want to do it and I regret deeply that I did. As inadequate as my apology was, it is all that I have to offer. I did not ever expect you to accept it then and I still do not. And talking about what happened is not going to change anything."
She took his arm and turned him to face her. "Why did you do it to begin with? And using the fact you're a watcher is bull. I was supposed to be your *Slayer*."
He looked at her unflinchingly. "It is as much 'bull' as 'I am the Slayer'. It was ingrained in me to obey the Council until I saw that I was hurting you and I couldn't do it."
Buffy continued her verbal jabs. "Ah, it only took me almost getting killed. Okay. See, there's a little bit of difference between my being a slayer and you being a watcher. You had a choice. I didn't. From the time I was called, I wore a bulls-eye." She pointed at him angrily. "You, on the other hand, could have walked away at any time. It was just a job for you, Giles."
Angry and insulted, he shot back, "That's all you ever saw me as, nothing but a job. It was a calling for me as much as yours was to you." He ran a hand through his already disheveled hair. "Perhaps it's not something that is in my blood in the same sense that it is for you, but it was and is every bit a part of me as it is for you. I could no more not do this than I could not breathe."
She simply stared at him refusing to reply and he muttered under his breath in frustration, "I refuse to talk about this again." He began walking away from her.
She finally spoke. "So you're leaving?"
He stopped. "I'm still standing right here."
"Maybe physically," she muttered.
He walked swiftly back to her, his anger evident. "If you want to speak of emotionally and mentally, you left long ago."
Her anger rose to meet his. "That's not fair!"
He moved a step closer. "Nothing is ever fair for you, is it Buffy? How many times in this conversation alone have you said that?"
She tilted her chin defiantly. "What do you want from me?"
Giles shook his head. "No, what do *you* want from *me*? To be your friend? You never have before. You were always very certain of my place in your life and it never included that type of closeness."
"Maybe I needed you in that place. Maybe knowing you were there was the only thing that kept me grounded."
Bewildered, he asked, "How could I have possibly known that?"
Buffy twisted a strand of hair around her finger. "How was I supposed to tell you? How was I supposed to tell you the integral part you played in my life when even I didn't know how important you were to me? I didn't even know how to talk to you after Jenny died."
Giles stepped away from her, his eyes never leaving hers. "No, we will not discuss this."
She took a step toward him. "But we need to."
He repeated firmly, "We will not discuss this."
"We have to, Giles. Don't you understand that?"
Giles gestured angrily. "No, I don't understand. You don't want to talk about what happened. You want to talk about how guilty you feel about what happened and you want me to tell you that none of what happened was your responsibility and I cannot and will not do that." He stopped, fighting for control of his emotions. "I'm not going to do this. I don't want to hurt you, Buffy."
She blew out a frustrated breath. "You don't want to talk about what happened on my 18th birthday and you don't want to talk about Jenny. What do you want to talk about?"
His eyes closed in resignation. "Your 18th birthday I have apologized for. I have more regrets about this than you know." He opened his eyes. "I don't know what else you want me to say about it, I can't go back and change what I did."
Her eyes went hard. "You betrayed me, Giles."
"Yes," he said simply. "I don't deny it." Pain laced each word. "Do you think I can regret it anymore because you continue to repeat it? I know what I did and I know what it did to you."
She cocked her head to one side and asked, "Do you really know what you did to me?"
He didn't hesitate at all before replying, "Yes, I really do. It was one of the few times that you confided in me about your fears."
"But you did it anyway."
"Yes."
Again she asked, "Why?"
And again he replied, "I am a *Watcher*"
"Okay, you were a watcher, I get that. But I was *your* Slayer. I don't know how many times that you told me that I was your main responsibility, your only responsibility. That I was the most important responsibility that you had ever been entrusted with."
He searched for an explanation that she would understand. "These tests have been done on slayers for hundreds of years. I did not know at the time that they expected me to fail; that Quentin wanted you to die. Until I saw how deeply this affected you, I thought it would help you as so many watchers' journals said it would."
She shook her head, refusing his explanation. "How was taking my slayer powers supposed to help me? How was putting my mother in danger supposed to help me?"
Giles denied her accusations. "Your mother was never supposed to be a part of it. It was meant to be a very controlled test. You were never meant to be in any real danger."
She snorted. "It sure as hell wasn't very controlled from where I was standing."
He took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. "No it wasn't. I knew it wasn't right, even had the test been administered properly; which was why I refused to continue to participate. I did not know that Quentin Travers was what he was," he reiterated.
She asked, "Why? What was the test for?"
"To test a slayer's mental capabilities independently from her strength."
Her mouth dropped open for a moment. "You don't think my mental capabilities were developed enough? I mean, I dealt with the Master, I dealt with Angelus."
He sighed tiredly. "The test was developed hundreds of years ago, possibly thousands of years ago. And no, I never doubted your mental capabilities. Only your use of them at times."
"It doesn't matter when the test was developed; it and you almost got me killed. Not because of a screw-up of my own or because a vamp was just better than me. No, I almost died because my watcher betrayed me."
His expression hardened. "Well, one betrayal begets another."
"What do you mean by that?" She asked warily.
"Angelus," he replied shortly.
Her eyes were cautious as she asked, "What about him? I thought you didn't want to talk about Jenny?"
"You're right, I don't." He walked back to his abandoned suitcase and picked up his tie.
She stalked after him. "Oh, no, you don't get to bring up something like that and then walk away."
Giles spun around to face her. "He killed her, Buffy."
Her eyes were sad as she replied, "Yeah, I know he did."
He sneered, "You know."
Buffy threw him a disgusted look. "I wish you would, just once, come out and say what you mean."
Giles returned her look. "And for once, I wish you could understand what I'm trying to say."
"Well, apparently I can't, so tell me."
He clenched his glasses in his fist, letting the metal dig into his palm. "Why didn't you tell me that he'd come back?"
It took Buffy a moment to understand what he was asking. "Because I knew what Angelus did to Jenny."
"You knew what he did to Jenny," he repeated slowly. "Is that the only reason?"
"What else would there have been?"
He looks at her long and hard, willing her to remember. "There would be no other reason?"
She knew she was missing something, but didn't know what. "I don't know what you're getting at."
He smiled sadly, never taking his eyes from hers. "No, I guess you wouldn't. You weren't there, were you?"
She was getting tired of his vagueness. "Okay, are we going to play twenty questions again or are you going to tell me what you're talking about."
His eyes bored into hers. "I know you're read some of the histories of Angelus, Buffy. I know you know what he is capable of."
"Get to the point, Giles," she snapped.
He toyed with his glasses, looking off into the distance. "I had the pleasure of his company for quite some time, Buffy."
She looked away guiltily. "Xander told me where he found you. He told me what happened."
"I'm relieved," he replied sarcastically.
"What do you want from me?" She asked uncertainly.
He carefully set his glasses back in place. "I don't want anything, Buffy."
She fought her rising panic. "Don't do that. Don't you do that. You want to drop these hints and then you want to back off."
He lashed out at her. "Can't you, even now, see beyond yourself? That other people were hurt? That you weren't the only one going through difficult times?"
She shrank back from the anger in his voice. "You think that I don't know Angelus hurt other people?"
Giles was adamant. "No, I don't think you see it. You only see the aspects of it that allow you to remain detached from your participation of the events."
Her anger matched his. "How dare you say that Angelus was my fault! I know I made a mistake when I let my hormones, and my emotions, rule me, but that doesn't mean that I'm to blame for everything that Angelus did."
"I don't blame everything on you; however," he pointed out, "you were not an innocent bystander."
"I never claimed to be," she shot back looking at him hard. "What is this really about? Angelus or because I left?"
He returned her glare. "It would have mattered to several people if you had. You talk about my abandoning you, didn't you abandon everyone? I don't understand the difference."
"I didn't know how to deal -" she began, attempting to defend herself.
He cut in sharply. "You didn't know how to deal with what?"
"Angel, Angelus, you, Jenny - everything. I couldn't deal with any of it."
He asked shortly: "Did you even try to deal with any of it?"
She looked at him in bewilderment. "Why are you blaming me for this? I knew that you were hurt."
"You knew. You knew," he mimicked. "What did you know?"
Surprised at the depth of his bitterness shone in her eyes. "I know you were at his mansion for hours before Xander found you."
He shook his head, sighing deeply.
She bit out a reply. "Obviously Buffy is missing something here, so why don't you enlighten me."
Giles retorted sharply, "Buffy usually does when it comes to other people."
Her lips drew together and she bit the inside of her cheek. "Okay, so tell me what I'm missing. Educate me," she drawled.
His eyes narrowed at her tone. "Educate you?"
Hands on hips she replied. "Yeah, obviously I've missed something."
He cocked an eyebrow. "What good would it do? You would simply twist my words to *fit* your event."
Her response was immediate. "That's *not* true. And, it's not -"
"Fair," he finished for her mockingly.
Her eyes flashed. "You think I don't care about what happened to you? You want me to feel guilty? Guess what, I already do."
His anger bled away. "I don't want you to feel guilty, Buffy."
She suddenly looked very tired. "Then what do you want, Giles? You drop hints and innuendos and then you don't want to talk about what you've hinted at. For once in your stiff upper-lip, tweed-wearing, English life, just say what you mean."
He bristled at her words. "You are still just as childish, and immature, as you have ever been."
Buffy made a weary motion with her hand. "Just get it out, Giles."
Unable to stop then, the words poured out angrily. "You have no regard for anyone except yourself. Whatever Buffy wants, whatever Buffy needs, irregardless as to how it affects anyone, that's all that matters. That is all that has ever mattered."
"If you're that angry about it, why did you put up with it?"
Giles stared at her, totally thrown by the question. "Why? How can you possibly ask me that? Do you think I had a choice? I *couldn't* leave you, Buffy. What I did was important to me. The few times I attempted to broach the subject with you, you brushed it off as unimportant."
Quietly she asked, "Why didn't you make me listen?"
He looked at her, incredulous. "Make you?"
"Truthfully, Giles, you refuse to talk about much of anything most of the time."
"Perhaps I wanted to save something from being belittled by you," he replied coldly.
Shocked by his response, she asked, "How could you think I would belittle you?"
"Probably because you always have," he answered flatly.
She studied him for a long moment and then asked quietly, "I've never asked this before and I know you think that it didn't matter to me, but I just didn't know how to ask. But it's important that I ask now. What happened with Angelus?"
He stepped away from her. "Why now? It can't matter now."
Buffy stepped towards him. "It can and it does."
He spoke quietly, angrily. "Leave me alone, Buffy."
She shakes her head sadly. "I've left you alone for too long as it is, Giles."
He looked at her in disbelief. "You don't know what you're asking, Buffy."
"I know I don't, and that's the problem. More importantly, I think you need to tell me."
He backed away from her, shaking his head.
Buffy reached for his trembling hand. "Please, Giles. Please tell me. You need to do this. *We* need to do this."
He pulled out of her grasp and slowly sank down to the ground covering his face with his hands. "I saw her," he whispered brokenly. "I saw Jenny." He dropped his hands and looked up at her. "Don't you understand? I told him. I told him." And he dropped his head again wearily.
She knelt down and raised his face so she could look into his eyes. "But you couldn't help that, Giles. That wasn't your fault."
His eyes watered. I told him. I have to live with that." He pulled her hands from him gently. "No one can absolve me of that. No one can take away what he did, no one."
She touched his arm. "I know I can't take away the guilt but I'd like to help you with it."
Dully, he replied. "You can't. I don't want that from you. There are things you do not need to know. Things that can do nothing but hurt you."
Buffy sat down beside him. "I know there are things that I don't know and things that I should have asked and didn't. But I was young and stupid and didn't know how to deal with all that had happened. Don't you think that I know that if I'd done what I was supposed to and staked Angelus when I found out what he was that Jenny would still be alive? You might even be married to her by now. You wouldn't have been hurt. That no one would have been hurt by him. Don't you think that I know that?"
Giles' head came up sharply, anger in his eyes. "No, I don't think you know that. How could I?"
Buffy drew back, hurt. "You don't think that I realize all of the pain that came from what happened?"
He rubbed his face. "How could I know that you realized it, Buffy?"
Her eyes were bright with unshed tears. "I didn't know how to tell you. I just didn't know how to tell you." She shrugged helplessly.
He stood quickly, and looked down at her. "Will knowing give you any peace, then? Will it help? Will it help you to know that he stopped short of using a chainsaw? Does that help you any to know that?"
She stood slowly. "Maybe it does. I don't know how, but -" she trailed off.
He started to reach out to her but dropped his hand to his side. "I don't want to hurt you, Buffy, and this can only hurt you."
She wrapped her arms around herself. "Maybe you should. Maybe I deserve to be hurt."
"Perhaps you do," he agreed softly, "but I'm not the one to do it to you."
She fought for a moment to compose herself before asking, "Why? You've said you don't really like me anymore, so why?"
A small smile ghosted his lips. "Because I still care about you."
"You keep saying that," she replied with a small smile of her own.
His smiled grew. "Possibly because it's true."
Her smile faded. "But you're willing to walk away."
He sobered. "*Because* I care about you. I didn't simply walk away," he contradicted. "There *were* things that I had to do. Nobody said you couldn't come," he added softly.
She shook her head. "I had to think of Dawn."
"Dawn couldn't come as well?"
"I couldn't uproot her anymore than I already had."
Giles nodded approvingly. "Good."
She continued on as though he hadn't spoken. "I know I didn't do everything the way I should have. I couldn't take her all over the world just because that was what I wanted."
Giles smiled again. "Why, Buffy, that's a sign of maturity that I never thought to see in you."
Buffy couldn't stop the laugh that bubbled up. "You know, Giles, you're the only person I know that can take a compliment and make it sound like an insult."
He winked in response. "Yes, well, I've had years of experience."
Buffy turned serious again. "Where do we go from here? How do we get past all of our mistakes?"
Giles' eyes grew distant. "I don't know, Buffy. I've simply had to go on."
Buffy tilted her head to one side, and with sad eyes, asked, "How do you do that?"
He shrugged. "Unlike you, I understood that I could never be central in your life like you were in mine. I would always be secondary in your life. Where you were primary in mine. I don't regret that. You were my slayer. I have no regrets about doing what I could do to help you. But I also understood that was not a two-way street. So I guess it's easier for me to live with it."
Buffy shook her head and said, "At the risk of irritating you again, that's not fair - to you."
Stunned, Giles asked, "To me? What do you mean?"
Her tone was almost fierce when she answered him. "It's not fair that I treated you that way. It's not fair that not only did you accept it, but you expected it." She turned and walked a small distance from him. "I know that I've been a royal bitch ever since you got here today. I guess it's because I've been angry for so long that I don't know how to be any other way."
He looked hard at her before turning away and walking towards his suitcase. At the sound of his retreating footsteps on the gravel, Buffy wrapped her arms around her body and shivered. Giles gave her a brief look before decisively reaching down and picking up his tie and suitcase and placing both in the back seat of her jeep. He returned to her side, took her arm gently and turned her to face him. "Come and sit down with me. I think we need to talk."
The End