Title: Always Lonely
Author: Eaglewolf
Spoilers: Don't think so..
Summary: Giles is left alone to think about what he's done.
Rating: PG14
Pairing: Buffy/Giles
Distribution: Feel free to take it, just let me know where you're housing it.
Feedback: *singing* I like Feedback I liked Feedback especially when it's good. (sang to the tune of the I like green traffic lights song.)
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to the mighty god who is Joss, and his playmates in the sandbox.
Dedication: For anyone who let oppurtunity slip through their fingers, but didn't sit there crying and chased after it as fast as they could.
Note: Although this is Giles thinking, for some reason* he thinks with American spelling. *(Dword told him to, and being the betarer, and bearing a pitchfork no less *WE* decided to listen to her.. Giles and I that is <G>)

She's gone. After one night of pure bliss she's gone. I had my love in my arms. I made sweet love to her all night long, neither of us willing to give into sleep until after the sun had risen. I sink down next to the door, sliding down along the wall. The tears flow freely now, pouring down my face. Buffy was here, in my arms, in my bed. Something I've dreamed of for such a long time. She told me she loved me. I am her slave. All she had to do was ask, and I would have gone with her. But oh god, she didn't ask me. She never asked me, she told me that was what she wanted but she never asked me to come home. She asked me to make love to her, told me she wanted to feel my touch upon her before she died. There was something in her eyes when she said that, as if she, oh god, as if she was resigned to the fact one day she will die. I've never seen that in her eyes before, it was that fragility that helped me to decide to grant her one request, and my greatest wish.

What happened to the Buffy I left behind in Sunnydale? Seeing how much she had grown up without me there to fall back on.. That's why I let her go on without me. She doesn't need me, no matter how much I try to fool myself. It hurt so much more to let her go this time. She's the only woman for me, and now that I've tasted a piece of Buffy heaven... I've slept with a lot of women in my time, but with Buffy... I finally understood what making love was all about. I had one night of pure bliss. We didn't talk, we let our bodies and eyes do that for us. I almost cried as I saw the love she had for me in her eyes.

I had a bag packed you know, when she was dressing I'd thrown some things together. If she looked me in the eyes with all that love shining there and said, "Rupert, Come home with me." I would be in that taxi with her, on my way home. I would have my arms wrapped around her and I would never let her go. But she didn't, why did she have to pick now to go and leave it up to me? Why couldn't she ask me to go with her? Why did she have to leave it up to me? I don't have the strength to go back. I don't doubt for a second now that she loves me. The thought makes me smile as I cry and then my heart breaks again. I had her with me and I let her slip through my fingers. But Buffy, love, don't you see? I had to let you go. Oh my poor heart. What have I done?

I don't know how long I've been sitting here. Maybe five minutes, maybe thirty.I get up and walk back into our bedroom. It will never be my bedroom again, I'll forever think of it as ours. I can still smell her perfume, I lay down with my head on her pillow. Most of the night her head was pillowed on my chest but as we drifted off to sleep we had moved into a spoon position, her laying in front of me. I held her so tight, I kissed her and whispered I loved her. I sit up suddenly as I notice an envelope with my name written on it leaning against the lap. My heart beats so much faster now, as I open it with trembling hands.

"Rupert,

I have a sinking feeling you are going to decide not to come with me. So I'm writing this, and with every heartbeat I am hoping against hope that I'm just wasting my time. I love you so much it hurts, I've been going crazy without you. While last night exceeded any expectation I ever had of you. It was like there was no-one but you or me in the world for a moment. But, Rupert, it's not enough. I told you I wouldn't ask you to come home and I want you to realize how hard that is for me. I want to look you in the eyes and beg you to come with me, but I can't do that. Not now.. For me there will never be anyone else. Don't you see, Giles? There will only ever be you. You are my hope, my dream.. You are my everything. Everything I am is because you showed me the way. Oh, Rupert I so much want to write the words... But I must respect your decision. You chose to stay here, away from me. Oh god, now my heart is breaking into a million pieces but I know yours is too. Giles, I lied... I said I would only ask one thing of you... and you gave me that... Now I have one more thing to ask.. I want you to think of every reason you can as to why we can't be together and I want you to throw them away. I love you, you love me. No-one can share the kind of love we had last night if it's not real... If it's not meant to be. I've left a CD for you Rupert.. I want you to listen to track one. I want you to know, I will wait the rest of my life for you to come home to me. If you don't well... I'll always love you, more than I can bear. You have changed my life, Rupert. I hope that you will realize Sunnydale is your home, not this place. Your home is with me it always has been. Your heart has always been mine as mine has always been yours. Don't make decisions for me, Rupert... Make them with me. Love always YOUR Buffy."

Oh god... Oh god... I can't see through my tears. She has grown up so much since I left her. She is my everything. Does she realize she called me by both names? I guess she sees Rupert as her lover, and Giles as her watcher. Or maybe she realizes they are one in the same. I stand, now, and shaking, walk towards the CD player. I press play and listen to the message she is trying to give me. She is making it so much more difficult for me to stay away. I want to go to her now and hold her in my arms. I know she's not trying to manipulate me, she's just trying to make sure I understand what I'm throwing away through not being with her. My heart is already in a thousand pieces, I wonder if this song will help me to glue it back together, or will it smash it into a million pieces?

WHEN I CHANGE MY LIFE
THERE'LL BE NO MORE DISGRACE
THE DEEDS OF MY PAST
WILL BE ERASED

AND YOU'LL FORGIVE ME
THEN YOU WILL COME BACK
HOLD MY HAND AND SAY "I STILL LOVE YOU"
WHEN I CHANGE MY LIFE Doesn't she know I forgave her everything she ever did to me, the moment I realized there was anything to forgive? I wish now it had been so easy to forget. She *has* changed her life, she's strong my Buffy. It took my leaving for her to realize that, for her to stand on her own two feet. Her life, and mine have both changed in so many ways. I just let the tears flow, and mourn what I have let go.

WHEN I CHANGE MY LIFE
AND ALL THE SCARS HAVE FADED
I'LL BE SOMEONE YOU LOOK UP TO
NOT EXCUSED WHEN YOUR FRIENDS COME AROUND

AND YOU'LL WANT ME ALWAYS TO BE THERE
YOU'LL BE PROUD TO SAY "I'M WITH HER"
WHEN I CHANGE MY LIFE

Oh Buffy, my dear sweet lover, your love has been the balm to soothe my wounds. The scars will fade when we both stop picking at them and you realize why I had to let you go. You deserve so much better than me, it's not my friends you should worry about... How would your's feel?? I know though that Willow and Xander aren't just you're friends... They are ours, aren't they dearheart? They would be happy just to see you and I both so happy... I would be proud to stand by your side. No dearest, I stay away because it's what's best for you.

I WANT A PLACE IN THE SUN - I DO
I WANT TO BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE
I WANT TO FORGET EVERY REGRET
AND ALL THOSE ROTTEN THINGS THAT I PUT YOU THROUGH

Oh Buffy, Oh dearest Buffy, My love... Have I hurt you so badly? Do you really think that it is things from the past that stop me from running to you? No dearest, I want to be with you so badly. Oh dear God, Buffy... We can put all this behind us... We can start fresh.. What am I thinking? Am I letting this song cloud my judgement, or for the first time am I thinking clearly??

WHEN I CHANGE MY LIFE
AND THE IDIOT ME
LEAVES THIS TOWN FOREVER
LEAVES US TO BE
TOGETHER - FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES
HAPPILY FOREVER AND EVER
WHEN I CHANGE MY LIFE

Suddenly I snap out of it... I realize that Buffy, as much as we all deny it, doesn't have a long life ahead of her. I have to get to her before the plane leaves. I want to fly back to Sunnydale with her in my arms. Damn the lot of them. I was too busy thinking of the pain it would cause me... and I called her the selfish one. Oh Buffy, my love... I'm so sorry.

It's funny you know... I never really unpacked once I got here... It was as if somehow I knew... I thought it was just denial. But I'm going to do it. I'm going to be with the woman I love until the end of our lives. Oh Buffy, I've been such an old fool... I didn't think.. I didn't... I couldn't let myself see through the pain. I was being selfish... Buffy doesn't have a long life. Who am I to deny her happiness when what makes her happy when is exactly what I can give her?

Oh my dearest...

I rush to grab my bag and run out the front door. Luckily, there is a taxi driving past and I manage to hop it. I tell him I'll pay him three times the amount if he gets me to the airport within 30 minutes. I trust in god to keep me alive. Normally it's a 2 hour drive at the speed limit. Buffy left just over 2 hours ago. The taxi driver manages to get us there within 45 minutes and I pay him the triple fare and run for the ticket counter. I hope to find Buffy before the plane takes off... Oh god I don't even know what time the plane is leaving. I don't even know which plane she's taking. There's the counter, I ask the woman hoping she can tell me where to go. She tells me they can't give out that sort of information. Then I have a flash of insight. She said she had a ticket for me... I show the woman my passport and she confirms there is indeed a seat booked for me. I relax until I realize she's looking at me, chewing her bottom lip. My eyes fill with tears as she tells me the flight left five minutes ago. I let out a strangled yelp, and whisper Buffy's name. The young girl looks at me and nods, "Just a minute sir, I'll get you on the next available flight, you missed one by 30 minutes, and yours by five minutes... One was going straight to LA and one to New York." I suddenly have a flash of insight.. I ask if she can help me, she nods and everything is organized. My flight doesn't leave for another four hours so I go to sit in the VIP lounge.

I play everything over in my mind, everything that has happened between Buffy and I since we met So many things... She's right... She'll only ever be mine as I'll only be hers. There is no need for us to always be lonely, not anymore. I can imagine her face when she sees me, I close my eyes and drift off to a pleasant place imagining holding her again. I imagine making sweet love to her as I drift off to sleep... I awake with a jerk, and look up at the screen. The news is on, I wonder about the wisdom of showing such footage while we are in an airport waiting for our flights. The news shows a plane wreckage and I listen with half an ear until I notice the company of the plane... and hear them mention the flight was heading for LA. Oh my god... Was Buffy on that plane? What if Buffy was on that plane?? There were *no* survivors. My heart starts to beat more frantically now, and my flight is called. I'm torn between wanting to go and ask the young girl at the desk for more information and boarding my flight to get home as quickly as possible to be there for the others should she have been on that plane. I hear the final boarding call for my flight, and decide I can ask the flight attendants on the plane. Oh my dear sweet Buffy please be alive. Please don't have left me. Not when I finally admitted to myself what you've known all along. I pray to God for the first time in years, and in my head I hear my mother's words again. "Sometimes God says No." In my gut I know... and the tears flow freely.

ALWAYS APART