Title: Better Than a Horse
Author: Escargoat
Rating: PG
Pairing: G/B (light)
Post BTVS
Silly humor
Summary: Anya gets an assignment working for Cupid. Then Spike shows up and things get – strange. A B/G centric story with no lines from either of them.
Disclaimer: I don’t own., I don’t make money. I use only for fun. Joss, Mutant Enemy, the WB, UPN, FOX, FX, etc own the rights.
Anya, formerly Anyanka, formerly known as Aud, stared at her new assignment. She’d started out human, then been a demon, then a helper to a hero, then a demon again, then been human again, then been a hero. It was all so muddled, that she’d been given an assignment. Work with Cupid. She’d spent a thousand years tearing apart the end of love, now she had to help with starting it. Only, having now met Cupid, she knew why she’d had so many clients. He was an idiot.
He was fat, not chubby. He face was flushed, not rosily blushing. And he was really not cherubic. He was more… like Larry the football player from Sunnydale High, only not as intelligent.
“So, you’re going to make Buffy fall in love with another vampire?” Anya asked.
“Yes, of course! It is soooo, romantic don’t you think?”
“Well, I mean, you’re the boss and all, but after Angel and Spike, don’t you think that this is overdoing it?”
“What? But those relationships worked out so well! And don’t forget Riley, oh, I wish I could have kept those two together. They were perfect for each other. Buffy needs a strong man to take care of her, you know.”
Anya looked at him with a confused expression, “What do you mean, you couldn’t keep them together?”
“Well, I can only get people started, but if they really aren’t meant for each other or don’t want to be together, I can’t make them stay together. And sometimes, they get started before I get there. There are two very big rules you need to know my munchkin of an assistant,” here he paused to pinch Anya’s cheek, “One: you can never shoot an arrow at someone who is already openly in love, unconfessed love is fine, because then you can create love triangles. Two: You can only shoot a person once every two years.”
“So, you don’t make all people fall in love?” Anya asked for clarification.
“What? Oh, no, heavens not. You and Xander for example, I had him all lined up for Harmony. Oh, and Mr. Giles and that silly computer teacher, I had to wait ages to stick him for Olivia. And don’t even get me started on what Aphrodite did for Willow. She and Parker were going to make such a fine couple…”
Anya looked at him. “So, you mean that all of the good romances were because you weren’t around?”
Cupid’s face flushed. “Why, you impertinent girl! I shall have to go report this at once. Just for that, sit here and work on my arrows!” in a flash he and his fluffy pink and blue wings were gone.
Anya shrugged in an unconcerned way and began to sharpen the arrows. Some were for romance, some were for lust, others were for puppy love, and so on. Suddenly, a familiar voice sounded next to her ear.
“Hallo, there, what’re you doin’ then?”
Anya turned around, “Spike? Who let you up here?”
“I’m getting sentenced. Seems me saving the world and having my soul gets me a re-try exemption or something. Thought I’d take a walk while they were all yammering.”
Anya sighed. “Well just make sure that you don’t get stuck with any overweight men in diapers. I’m sharpening arrows for stupid Cupid. Do you know how stupid he is?”
“Not really,” Spike hedged.
“He’s going to make Buffy fall in love with another vampire. Earlier, he said that he was going to make Giles fall in love with his horse because the group needed to be more open minded about relationships.”
Spike glanced around. “So, if he’s all messed up anyway, why don’t you just shoot off his arrows while he’s gone?”
Anya glared at him. “Because I’m trying to become a better person so I’m not stuck here for the rest of my afterlife, or whatever this is.”
“Well, then, why don’t I shoot off all the arrows?”
Anya looked at Spike. “You’re not serious.”
“Yes, I am. You really want to see old Rupes humping his horse?”
Anya quickly produced Cupid’s spare bow. Spike swaggered over to the small portal that Cupid used to view the world.
“Let’s see. How does this work?”
“Well, you need two arrows. One for each person.”
“Right, then, what would you suggest? A little lust filled interlude for the old man with one of the other Watchers?”
“As long as you don’t shoot Xander.”
Spike merely rolled his eyes and started the portal going. The portal swirled around until it focused on Giles and Buffy lecturing a group of new Slayers and Watchers. Spike quickly took aim and hit Giles with the one of the arrows that Anya had handed to him. Unconcerned with the changes taking place on the Watcher’s face, Spike began to eye all of the girls.
“That one I think, she looks pretty nice,” he said as he took aim. Just as he was about to fire, Anya bumped into his arm. The arrow careened off of its path and flew straight into Buffy Summer’s rear end.
“Ooops,” Anya mumbled.
“Ooops? Ooops? Bloody Hell woman, do you have any idea what the sodding Powers That Be Are going to do when the find out that the Head Watcher and Head Slayer are boinking like bloody bunnies?”
Anya backed off in fear. “Bunnies?”
Spike glanced around nervously. “You know, they were thinking of sending me off to work with Angel. I think I’ll just go volunteer before they find out about this.”
Quickly, the ex-vampire vanished.
Anya just shrugged and got back to work. It was all Spike’s fault anyway, she rationalized. And really, it was better than a horse.