Title: My Family and Other Nightmares 1/5
Author: Gail Christison
Pairing: B/G Mostly subtext at first, gradually becoming text
Rating: PG-13
Timeline/Spoilers Not really much in the way of spoilers. Post Chosen

Summary: Luisa asked for a My Family X-over. Giles and Buffy go to meet the Harper side of Giles' family in England, and end up getting roped into helping with the arrangements for Richard's Stag night. A fun fic, not to be taken too seriously :-) Probably much more entertaining if you have seen Tony's episode of My Family, but should still be fun if you haven't. Those who have access to Lynsey's site should be able to get the ep if they haven't seen it.

Disclaimer: Not mine...so not fair <g> BTVS is owned by Mutant Enemy... My Family is probably owned by the BBC...
Feedback: Love to know how I did, especially with the Harpers <g> chriscln@ozemail.com.au
Distribution: Everyone who has permission, Riposte. Anyone else just ask :-)

Author's Note: I have been working on this on and off what must have been well over a year. Apologies to Luisa for taking so long finish it. Thankyous to Ruth and Karen for language and dialect tips, and Gileswench and Luisa for the morale support :D BIG thankyou to Karen for the beta. :-)
Dedication: To Gileswench ...Happy Late birthday, mate :-) And to Luisa. Thanks :-)

"Is this it?"

Giles nodded. "I'm still not sure this is a good idea. They can be rather...overwhelming. I'm just thankful Richard is probably God-knows-where on his honeymoon or his post-honeymoon, or whatever..."

"That's sweet. You didn't tell me he was getting married. Do all Gileses marry late?"

Giles winced a little. "No, no. Only me...well, if I ever do. Father was, um, twenty-seven, if memory serves, and Richard was nineteen the first time he decided to..."

"The first time...how many times exactly has Romeo tied the knot?"

He winced again. "Um...well, actually...five times, including this one. Richard isn't...well, he's not exactly...however Ben has been er...happily married...to Susan, for I don't know how many years and they have three very...interesting...children."

"And Richard's mother was your father's sister?"

Giles nodded patiently. "My aunt. And Ben's mother is my father's younger sister. They married the Harper brothers. Ben's father was a good man, but my father thought he was a prat. We don't discuss Richard's father..."

"But your dad was fond of her...Richard's mother?"

Giles guffawed in spite of himself. "Maisie? I'm told my grandfather almost had a heart attack when they found out she was...um...expecting. Her boyfriend was only about twenty-three at the time and had only been seeing Maisie for a few months. She was rather...let's just say that Maisie, at almost 30, made Harmony Kendall look like an Honours student. She had a good heart though, rather like her son, twit though he is."

That, Buffy understood. "So back then they had to get married anyway?"

"I'm afraid so. It was considered the right thing to do...for the man to take responsibility for his actions...for the woman to give the child a name...and a father, whether there was any love there or not. Either way I have to admit to being related to Richard..."

Giles rang the doorbell.

"Oh my God, Rupert!"

"Hello, Susan."

The slightly scary-looking middle-aged woman smiled, not entirely benignly, looking Giles' jeans and earring up and down. "You look...wonderful...even if it does look like you've been channelling Richard again. How long has it been?"

"Too long," Giles said charmingly as they followed her through to the living room. "Buffy...Ben's wife: Susan. Susan, this is my S..." He clamped down on his errant tongue. "Um...my..."

Susan's eyes narrowed and then flicked to Buffy who was looking particularly youthful and radiant, even slightly tanned, after spending a lot of time hiking with Giles in historic areas near his home, in lieu of patrols. "Rupert?" she said in a tone that would and did make grown men quiver.

"Um, yes, Susan...?" At her pointed look he tried again. "Buffy is a-a friend, from California..."

Buffy, highly amused by the ability of the older woman to intimidate Giles, decided there was no way to dig him out of this one. She'd assumed that all of his family would know about her. Now he was left with the truth, or trying to explain a disturbing friendship with a former student at the school where he used to work. As weird as it sounded, she realised it would be far simpler and far less complicated if she and Giles were in a relationship and didn't have to mention Slaying or Sunnydale High at all. After a few minutes silent debate she slipped her hand into his, entwining fingers before moving to lean intimately against him, aware of the startled tension in his frame as she did so.

"It's okay, Rupert, I think Susan has eyes. She can see how irresistible you are." She smiled confidingly at the other woman. "He's just shy."

Susan's eyes were flashing dangerously. "And what school do you go to...er...Buffy, was it?"

*Meow*, Buffy thought, both amused and annoyed. "Actually I've been working gal for some time now, most of it with Rupert...and some freelance. I have an orphaned sister to think about, so finishing college is out of the question. We're in the process of finding a new school for her right now."

Susan gobbled a little, and subsided, obviously bemused by the unexpected reply and the mature tone.

"S-so how long have you two...?"

Giles cleared his throat, and Buffy struggled to keep a straight face as he grappled with the situation. "We...we're...we've been together for a-about...sixth months?"

"Eight months and five days," Buffy lied smoothly. "But we've known each other for years."

A youthful voice floated down from upstairs. "Mum! Nick's being disgusting again!"

"When isn't he?" Susan growled under her breath. "Have you done your homework?" she yelled. There was a muffled but indistinguishable reply, then silence. She smiled at Buffy and Giles with the manic look of the harassed parent. "Can I get you a cup of tea?"

They were all sipping their tea in less than comfortable silence when the front door rattled open and a man about Giles' age came in.

"Susan, I'm home...Oh good lord, another one? I thought you were in Bristol with your..."

"Ben!" The tone could have cut through steel.

The man stopped suddenly, dragged his boggling eyes from Giles and Buffy and focused on Susan. "Yes dear?"

"I'd like you to meet Rupert's friend, Buffy Summers. Say hello to Rupert, dear."

"Uh...hello Buffy." Ben squinted. "Rupert? You've been spending too much time with Richard, haven't you?"

Giles sighed, took his glasses from his breast pocket and put them on. "Hello, Ben."

"Ah...there you are," Ben grinned. He touched his ear. "I don't remember this. New?"

"Not...exactly," Giles told him. "Something from my younger days."

"Ah," Ben repeated. "Oxford. We didn't lay eyes on you for several years, in fact. That's when you spent time with Richard?"

Exasperated, Giles ran a hand through his hair. "So how are things in the dental world?"

It worked. Ben prattled for the next twenty minutes about the difficulties in getting a good assistant, the molar that was so impacted that it broke into three pieces when he was trying to extract it and the small child who bit him during an examination then howled so much when he swore at it, that its mother threatened to sue him for traumatising her little angel.

By the time he was done, Susan had motioned to Buffy and the pair of them had escaped to the kitchen.

"Why did your husband think Gi-Rupert was Richard?" Buffy asked as Susan put the kettle on again.

Susan smirked. "You might say there's a...family resemblance...at least physically. I'm not sure there's really anyone quite like Richard, when it comes right down to it. So what do you do, Buffy? You're a very pretty girl, and so...slim...a model, perhaps?"

Buffy snorted trying to stop a giggle. "N-not exactly. Let's just say my field is more in the way of...uh...martial arts."

"Oh, really? Which one?"

"I specialize in self defence. Multiple disciplines," Buffy scrambled. "And a little fencing, crossbow, knife throwing...battleaxes..." Buffy let the word trail off and bit her tongue to still the giggles at the twitching of the nerve in Susan's cheek as she laid the tea tray.

"Mum, when's dinner...? Hel-lo..."

Both women looked up as a spiky haired, dishevelled looking youth somewhere in his early twenties ambled into the room scratching his head.

Buffy smiled at his openly wolfish expression and wriggled her fingers. "Hi."

Susan rolled her eyes. "Nick, this is Rupert's girl...lady friend, Buffy Summers."

"Wow, old dull-as-dust Rupert's been taking lessons from Richard," he grinned, still looking at Buffy as though she was a centrefold. "If old Cousin Rupert's too tired to take you out and show you the sights, I'd be more than happy-"

"...To go and clean your room up before the cockroaches revolt."

Nick snickered. "I thought they were already revolting."

"No, that would be you," his mother drawled. "Now go and tell Michael that dinner is going to be delayed...though probably not too much longer. I expect Cousin Rupert is catatonic by now...or ready to cheerfully garrotte your father."

"He asked him about work, didn't he?" Nick deadpanned, and winked at Buffy. "Still, can't feel sorry for anyone with a girlfriend like Buffy..."

Susan snorted. "Out!"

Nick laughed, grabbed an apple and took a big munch as he sauntered back out of the room.

Buffy wondered idly if Giles was adopted...

*******

"You could have warned me."

"About what? I told you they could be rather...overwhelming."

"I bet Susan eats razorblades for breakfast."

Giles couldn't help a chuckle as they headed home to Bath. "You can't really blame her for being a little sensitive about Ben's contemporaries all seemingly keeping company with women half her age."

Buffy wrinkled her nose. "Why do people always have to mind everyone else's business, like it's somehow a commentary about them...when it really doesn't have anything at all to do with who they are, how old, or whether they're still attractive or not?"

Giles blinked. "That's rather perceptive of you. Just as well that she doesn't actually have anything to worry about with us or I suspect she'd be in rather more trouble than a cat in a kennel."

Buffy giggled. "That's a new one."

He shook his head. "Very, very old one, actually."

"Yeah, well, you're right. If she thinks she's tough, she hasn't seen a Slayer when she's ticked. "

They both chuckled, Giles nodding ruefully. "I'm sorry we ended up being invited back for dinner. Almost as sorry as I am that bloody Richard still hasn't managed to tie the knot."

"You should have seen your eyes bug out when Ben said you should help with the new plan."

"There technically *isn't* a new plan. Ben was passing the buck. Nick told me what a hash his father made of his attempt at a stag night, and of course later Ben recounted the complete catastrophe *Nick* made of the whole thing."

"Are you sure they're actually, y'know...Gileses?" Buffy asked doubtfully.

Giles grinned. "Unfortunately, yes."

"So are you gonna help Ben?"

He rolled his eyes. "One could hope that Richard and his, um...fiancée, elope from Bristol," he sighed.

*******

Buffy and Giles arrived for dinner at the Harpers a couple of days later to find a telltale pall of smoke curling out of one of the windows. A near-psychotically smiling Susan answered the door and ushered them in with barely a 'how nice to see you again' before leaving them with her nonplussed niece while she sprinted back to the kitchen.

Abi looked at Giles and then pointedly at Buffy and sighed. "I thought you were the smart one."

Giles lifted an eyebrow. He hadn't seen Abi since she was about nine, but she was still her father's daughter, and, it appeared, as fey as her grandmother. Alongside of him, Buffy wondered idly if there were *any* normal people in Giles' family.

"Lovely to see you again, Abi," he said finally. "You've grown up. Um, I'd like you to meet Buffy. Buffy Summers: my cousin...second...cousin, Abi Harper : um, Richard's daughter."

Buffy and Abi faced off, the younger girl's expression pretty much not leaving anything to the imagination.

"Hey," Buffy said when it looked like the silence was setting in for the duration. "Nice country."

"You're American."

Giles rolled his eyes and waited with some trepidation for Buffy's retort.

"Uh-huh."

Giles looked at Buffy as if she'd grown two heads and she smiled at him sweetly, a 'later!' look flashing in her eyes.

She turned to resume her conversation with Abi looking like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. "So...where are you from?"

Giles closed his eyes. It was going to be a long evening...

However, before anyone could reply, Susan reappeared, looking even less happy, and apparently unaware that there were now dark smudges on her temple and nose, or that her hair seemed to have had fingers raked through it one too many times.

"I-is there a problem?" Giles asked, trying not to be seen sniffing the less than promising smells coming from the kitchen.

"Ah, yes. The, ah, oven malfunctioned, and dinner is rather...um...ruined," Susan managed, still looking as though she might implode any moment.

"We could have fish and chips," Abi proposed helpfully.

"How much were you able to salvage?" Giles asked in a kindly voice.

Susan coloured, but kept her poise. "The pan survived."

Giles worked for a moment, but managed to maintain a straight face. Even he knew about Susan's cooking.

"Look, when's Ben due home?"

She was looking more and more tightly wound. "About an hour."

"...Or there's always curry. But I don't like curry," Abi's voice interjected, several miles behind the rest of the conversation.

They all ignored her and Giles turned back to Susan, trying to look sympathetic.

"Shall I help?"

Susan sighed. "I thought you'd never ask."

Buffy looked from one to the other, startled, then realised if she didn't make a move quickly that she'd be left alone to hold a conversation with Einstein's daughter.

"I'll help too," she said quickly, wincing when Abi's voice chimed in with a chirpy 'me too'.

Within twenty minutes, Giles had disposed of the cremated corner roast and opened every window to clear the fumes. He'd also taken stock of Susan's refrigerator, freezer and pantry before marshalling his troops. Buffy had been put in charge of the salad, which he knew she was very good at, and Abi had been sent to the grocers to buy eggs, unaware that Giles' impromptu menu didn't actually have eggs on it. And Susan, looking slightly less homicidal now, was peeling, chopping, slicing and dicing everything he asked for.

When Ben walked in the door, late, over an hour later, sumptuous aromas were coming from the kitchen and most of his family and guests were sitting in the living room either watching television or sipping glasses of his best Australian Cabernet.

"Hello all. Any catastrophes today?"

"Ben?" Giles rose from his chair to meet his cousin. "No, no...I think everything has gone just about as per...usual," he said nonchalantly.

It wasn't technically a lie. Nothing that had happened...including Susan's culinary disasters, or grating her fingers, Nick burning his tongue on a stolen morsel from a tray he didn't know was just out of the oven, or even Abi bringing home French bread instead of eggs, which, ironically, was put to good use by Giles, who was on a roll, menu wise...was out of the ordinary for this family.

At that point, Susan emerged from the kitchen in unnervingly good spirits, as far as her husband was concerned. Ben's eyes widened when she actually smiled, and then he became convinced that she was a pod person when she asked him if he'd like a glass of wine.

*******

"Did you see Ben's eyes when Susan brought those hot cheese bisc-I mean scones-in? They just kept getting bigger as everything came out, like when Susan put your French onion soup in the centre of the table. But I especially liked the stunned look when she came back with the Paella."

He shook his head. "Such as it was. At least she keeps a decent pantry. We'd have been lost without all the tinned veg and never-used spices..."

"And tomorrow night's chicken. Not exactly traditional, but it went down well...and gave Susan a major happy," Buffy observed, used to lots of seafood, not chicken, in her paella.

Giles chuckled. "Susan is a dreadful cook. She tries, but her talents lie elsewhere."

"Wow with the subtle there, Giles," Buffy teased, "unlike the majority of your relatives. I think I'm getting scared about this new stag party. If Ben and Nick made such a crapola job of the last one, what makes you think you can stop them doing it again?"

Giles shrugged. "If I have to, I'll knock their heads together. Also, neither of them will be allowed anywhere near the finances, or any negotiations or bookings required to execute this thing properly."

Buffy chuckled. "Well, okay, but I'll still be keeping an eye on you. When did you say we have to go and pick this 'Richard' guy up from the train station?"

"About eleven. I think it's probably best if we all go to lunch, so that you have a chance to er... acclimatize...yourself to my cousin before we find ourselves back in the fray. Richard is not Susan's favourite person. Abi is apparently still angry with him about the age difference, among other things, and Richard, and everyone else for that matter, still isn't quite over the last stag night. It's probably a good thing that his young lady decided to continue on to her own home and preparations for the wedding. I have a feeling that adding her to the mix at this point would be rather...incendiary..."

Buffy, thinking about the changes in her own father in the last few years, and his youthful string of girlfriends, knew exactly what Abi was feeling but refrained from saying so.

"In that case why don't we use the time for something a little more fun than entertaining cousin Richard?"

"Hmm...?"

"Well, we're supposed to be 'together', remember. You think cousin Richard is going to buy that for very long, knowing you as well as he does? Especially if you start stuttering and stammering again when he starts asking you hard questions about us."

Giles gradually turned an unpleasant shade of chartreuse as exactly what kind of questions Richard would typically be asking, man-to-man, about Buffy, sank in and settled uncomfortably in the pit of his stomach.

"What...what exactly did you have in mind?"

Buffy lifted an eyebrow. "Well, for a start you can't go that colour. The idea of us doesn't really make you that sick does it?" Her own expression had darkened as she waited for his answer.

"I should have thought I would be better asking *you* that question," he was stung to retort.

That surprised her. "Me? Why?"

He gave her his best 'irritated' stare.

The penny dropped and she subsided guiltily. "Yeah, well, way younger then, remember? Actually, I've had a lot of time...and reason...to think about it. Spike actually thought...I mean, after you left, when I was miserable...he asked me about us..."

"He *what*?" Giles cleared his throat, not happy with having yelped that out. "What the hell business did Spike have...what exactly did you say?"

Buffy blinked at the midstream switch. "Um...not. I told him there wasn't anything, of course."

"Oh, right," he said, suddenly very interested in the glasses in his right hand.

"Like I said, it gave me a lot to think about," she continued, dryly. "It's not like you're not really hot-looking for a guy your age..."

Giles snorted. "Yes for a geriatric..."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Oh, please. When I was in high school you were 'old'. Hell, back then even George Clooney was old. Now George Clooney is...oh, *yeah*...and you're...well, you're..." She trailed off, looking into his eyes. A moment later they broke eye contact, both of them turning pink. "What I'm saying is if we're going to keep up this pretence around your cousin we'll have to look like we mean it."

Giles twitched a little when Buffy covered his hand with hers. She giggled. "See what I mean? You've gotta relax, and at least pretend I'm not repulsive," she teased.

He straightened then. "You know how lovely you are, so stop being ridiculous. It's not...I don't..." he stammered in spite of himself, then stiffened in shock when Buffy leaned up unexpectedly and captured his lips with hers. Except, somewhere between the thought that he should push her away and the action, he'd drawn her into his arms and was kissing her back. It went on forever, neither of them apparently being ready to stop. When they finally surfaced again and faced each other, both were matched for high colour and discomfiture.

Buffy blinked. "Um..."

"Yes..."

"Giles...?"

"Mm..?"

"Nothing. Except...I don't think we're going to have a problem convincing cousin Richard."

"No. None whatsoever," he agreed.

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