Title: My Family and Other Nightmares 2/5
Author: Gail Christison
Pairing: B/G Mostly subtext at first, gradually becoming text
Rating: PG-13
Timeline/Spoilers Not really much in the way of spoilers. Post Chosen

Summary: Luisa asked for a My Family X-over. Giles and Buffy go to meet the Harper side of Giles' family in England, and end up getting roped into helping with the arrangements for Richard's Stag night. A fun fic, not to be taken too seriously :-) Probably much more entertaining if you have seen Tony's episode of My Family, but should still be fun if you haven't. Those who have access to Lynsey's site should be able to get the ep if they haven't seen it.

Disclaimer: Not mine...so not fair <g> BTVS is owned by Mutant Enemy... My Family is probably owned by the BBC...
Feedback: Love to know how I did, especially with the Harpers <g> chriscln@ozemail.com.au
Distribution: Everyone who has permission, Riposte. Anyone else just ask :-)

Author's Note: I have been working on this on and off what must have been well over a year. Apologies to Luisa for taking so long finish it. Thankyous to Ruth and Karen for language and dialect tips, and Gileswench and Luisa for the morale support :D BIG thankyou to Karen for the beta. :-)
Dedication: To Gileswench ...Happy Late birthday, mate :-) And to Luisa. Thanks :-)

The train was forty minutes late and when it finally disgorged its human cargo, there was no one even vaguely resembling Giles' cousin Richard anywhere to be seen. It wasn't until the platform had cleared, and was almost deserted, and Giles and Buffy were about to give up and go and check the arrival times of the next few trains he might be on, that someone emerged, with extreme caution, from the last carriage.

"Richard," Giles muttered, startled, when he turned and saw the figure alight and look around warily.

Buffy turned, saw the tall figure several metres away then looked up at her companion, and continued to look back and forth several more times. "I thought you said he was your cousin, not your twin brother?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Giles growled. "We're nothing alike. Richard thinks he's still nineteen and behaves accordingly."

The distance between them all had now narrowed to little more than a couple of feet.

"Rupert. Fancy meeting you here. Who's the pretty, then?"

Giles cleared his throat. "Richard. It's been a long time. I see you haven't changed."

Richard chuckled, looking at Giles' snug-fitting designer jeans, round-necked grey sweater and darker jacket, not to mention his diamond stud earring and excellent haircut.

"I see you have, though. Looks good on you...just like this lovely bit of..."

"Richard!"

But Richard was devoting his full attention to Buffy. "Hello, sweetheart. What exactly is a sweet girl like you doing with old Rupert? Must be more interesting catches out there than a dead boring git like him."

"Richard!"

Buffy, still trying to shake the shock of the resemblance, despite the warnings, stared at the adolescent-wannabe. "You're kidding, right?" She blurted so convincingly that Richard's eyes narrowed.

"That good, huh?"

"Better." Buffy smiled like the cat after the proverbial cream and moved in close to lean against Giles, strangely pleased when his arm automatically, and distinctly protectively, closed around her.

Richard's gaze shifted to Giles and his grin widened again. "You old dog. Who knew you still had it in you...?" Then his eyes flicked back to Buffy again. "You should have known him back in the day...legendary 'e was. There was this one time with these three..."

"Richard!!!"

"Is that all you're going to say to me, Ripper, old mate? Not like you at all...as if any of this is anything like you, lately," Harper added absently.

Giles cleared his throat. "Richard Harper, I'd like you to meet Buffy Summers. Buffy, this is my cousin Richard." His eyes flicked up contemptuously to his...distracted...cousin. "And how is Gina?"

Richard looked down uncomfortably. "Ah. She's...well, she's...I dunno. She went home a coupla days ago after a slight, um, miscommunication, yeah, that's it...with some acquaintances of mine. We, ah, sort of found ourselves without a motor. Not exactly planned. Gina was not best pleased and took the train home an hour later. She's sort of...well...not really talking to me right now."

Giles started to grin widely then killed it in the split second it took Richard to look up again. He cleared his throat.

"Well, um, that is a shame. In that case I don't suppose Ben will need to proceed with the plans for the stag party, then?"

Richard shuddered. "Gawd help us. Look, Ben's a good man, as you well know, but he's also a bloody prat and that lad of 'is is a right pillock. I'd rather go to a bleedin' Tupperware party than go through all that again. Look, Gina'll come around. It was just a bit of a shock and all, you know, what with strange men chas-I mean escorting-me out to the car-park, and relieving me of our new motor. All I want is a few beers with some mates, and a quiet wedding. Nothing fancy, nothing...splashy."

"Nothing that would get you noticed by the people who no doubt still require payment of the interest on that vehicle they repossessed?" Giles guessed with, judging by Richard's expression, pinpoint accuracy.

"No, no. It's not like that. It was strictly on the up and up. I've just fallen on hard times, is all. And Gina, my sweet darlin', has expensive tastes."

Giles shook his head. "How much do you owe the sharks?"

"Five hundred quid," Richard muttered sulkily.

"Fine. I'll take care of the debt on one condition." Buffy looked up at him, surprised. "You let Ben do your stag night if Gina comes around."

Both Buffy and Richard boggled.

"Wot?!"

"You heard me."

"But why?" Harper whined. "It's only going to-"

"Nick told me Ben's never been best man before and that it meant a ridiculously great deal to him. And if you remember when we were children, Ben was always last and was never picked for anything, either at school or family events. It was always one of us and little Ben sulking for days afterward."

Richard grinned crookedly. "Yeah, little Ben. He was fun to beat u-er-muck about with when we were kids."

"Exactly," Giles growled. "No stag party, no payment of your debt."

"You always were better at the biff, Rupert. Never understood why you wasted it on books and museums."

"Pillock," Giles muttered under his breath. "All right, come on, both of you." He looked down at Buffy. "I think you've already had quite enough acclimatisation after all."

*******

"You're here. Oh...joy." Susan stood aside to allow Giles and Richard entry behind Buffy.

Richard moved so that Giles was between him and Susan. "Long time no see, Suze," he added by way of greeting, but without slowing down.

"Don't call me that," she hissed between her teeth as she closed the front door.

Once everyone had settled on the couch and chairs in the living room, Susan stood in front of both men.

"To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Well, due to a little bit of financial embarrassment at the moment, I was hoping Ben might...sort of...well...let me stay here for a few days," Richard explained in his most persuasive voice, followed by his most winning grin.

"*Here*?"

Everone winced at the piercing sound.

"Um...yeah," Harper ventured bravely. "Sorry. But I promise to be good. And Rupert's here to keep me in line..."

"Arghhhh!" Everyone blinked and watched the harried housewife march out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

Giles turned to Buffy. "Well, that went well."

"Not nearly as well as it's going to when Abi finds out," she reminded them dryly. "I don't think bonding will be on the agenda, at least not anywhere near as much as, say, tearing asunder..."

The two men turned to each other. "Bloody hell," they said in unison.

"I'm not staying here," Richard followed up immediately. "Not that I don't want to spend time with Abi, but not if I have to have her on one side, Madame Lash on the other, and both of 'em goin' 'ammer and tongs at me the whole time. Bloody Susan would put me in Nick's room just to torture me..."

"Well you're going to have to," Giles pointed out, "since you are without...means, or digs, of your own. There's no room in my flat and you hate Bath anyway. Besides, you have a lot of things to do, not least patching up an engagement, before you can start getting choosey about your accommodation."

A little while later Susan returned, tight-lipped, with a tea tray. She owed Giles a big one and knew it, but even the thought of Richard in the house for more than a couple of hours was, well...it was just too much. Besides, he was a continual reminder of what Nick's future might be if he didn't soon find a direction in life.

Giles took the tray and poured for everyone as Susan seated herself in her husband's chair and steepled her fingers.

Richard finally broke the silence. "S-so how's Abi been, then?" he ventured gamely.

"Perfectly fine...up til now. Although it should be said that she would prefer a mother who has actually been on the planet longer than she has..."

Richard snorted. "She's already got one of those, gawd 'elp us. Be good for 'er'. 'Er and Gina can go shopping together...they probably like the same clothes, same music...they'll probably bond just like that," he said, snapping his fingers with a flourish.

"I seriously doubt it," Susan said dampeningly. "Abi has a very poor opinion of your taste in women, Richard."

Richard was unsquashable. "Yeah, but she'll get used to it. And it's not like she's going to be living with us or anything..."

Susan scowled.

"I think perhaps I should drive you up to see if you can make it up with Gina this afternoon," Giles proposed, trying to defuse things while there was still a chance.

Susan looked from one to the other, surprised, and then asked with butter-not-melting concern: "Is something wrong?"

Richard shrugged, trying to look nonchalant. "Just a little tiff. She's probably breaking 'er little heart for me already. Rupert's right. I should go up there...especially if there's a free ride in the offin'."

*******

"...And we'll take care of that little debt of yours on the way," Giles finished as they climbed into the hired Mondeo.

Richard's eyes widened. "Not bloody likely...I mean...I'll take care of it, thanks all the same." He stuck out his hand.

Giles paused, key hovering near the ignition, and looked down his nose. "Put several hundred pounds in your grubby little paws? I think not. If you want me to get your car back and get the nasty debt-collectors off your back, you'll let me handle it."

"Yeah, and when they knock your block off because they think it's me trying to pull a fast one...?"

Giles considered that for a moment. "Right, you can come with me. Buffy?"

"I'm in," she grinned as the car sped away.

Harper looked from one to the other, convinced they were completely mad. For a start, Rupert lending him five hundred quid, just like that...barking, absolutely barking... He smiled to himself. Still, good old Rupert...

When they emerged from the 'office' of the loan shark, in a derelict building, some time later, Richard still hadn't lost the stunned mullet look, mouth open and all. His 'financier', Billy, had decided he wanted the entire contents of Rupert's wallet instead of just the payment for the car loan, and it looked like they were all for it. Harper wasn't entirely certain he knew what happened next, except that Buffy seemed to be everywhere and Rupert seemed to shed years in seconds.

The two of them working together had to be seen to be believed. All four of Billy's gorillas ended up sprawled all over the room in varying stages of consciousness and Billy himself was hiding under his desk...from a little girl no less.

"Where'd'you learn to do that?" he demanded.

Buffy looked up at him. "Rupert taught me," she said, straight-faced.

Giles was trying not to laugh, and pulled his features into a serious expression as Richard turned. "Buffy also happens to have a remarkable amount of natural talent," he added dryly.

Richard eyed Buffy's flushed, glowing skin and rumpled hair. "More talent than you could shake a..." His eyes fell on the unused stake in her right hand.

"We get the picture," Giles said tersely. "Now, what's Gina's address?"

Richard made a face and turned to his cousin. "The parents live in Surrey. I'll show you where...unless you want me to drive...?"

"No," Giles said a tad too quickly. "No, it's all right. I'll drive."

Richard gave him a filthy look and subsided.

When they finally rolled to a halt outside of a tidy terrace with an equally tidy, tiny front garden and a lime-green Panda parked out front, Richard suddenly seemed reluctant to proceed.

"Um...it might be better if we went to the local and I call her on me mobey...ask her to come down and have a chat, like."

Giles raised an eyebrow and Buffy rolled her eyes.

"Don't tell me...how old exactly is this girl?"

"Eighteen," Richard muttered into his shirt, then straightened. "And the ligh' of my life..."

Giles made an incredulous sound. "Don't forget how well I know you, Ricky. Save that rubbish for your conquests. Does this poor girl really love you...or have you just spun her enough of that drivel to put stars in her eyes?"

'Ricky' leered artfully over his shoulder at Buffy. "You're a right one to be preaching to me, Rupert boy. Look at your bit o' fluff...all shiny and dew fresh...not to mention the number of sweet young things ol' Ripper deflo-"

"Buffy is twenty-three years old and perfectly capable of choosing her own destiny," Giles interrupted swiftly, his voice raised enough to draw a sharp look from Buffy and more eye-rolling from his cousin. "At eighteen your fiancée is not much more than a child. Has she even finished high school yet?"

"Course. She's an apprentice 'air stylist, she is. And talented with it. Says she's going to have 'er own salon one day, and all."

"Well, it still behoves you to at least meet her parents and declare your intentions," Giles pointed out shortly.

"What he said," Buffy agreed. "You're supposedly going to be with this woman for the rest of your life...and parents come with the package."

"Already met them," Richard said sulkily. "Peg's a sweet girl...she likes me...but old Reg reckons I'm not good enough for his little darlin'. Last time I collected Gina for a night at the dogs, 'e threatened to shove a cricket stump up me-"

"Yes, all right," Giles cut him off again, ignoring the stifled giggle from the back. Call her."

*******

Buffy sipped her ale and watched the two men with her, fascinated by the uncanny physical resemblance between two people who couldn't be more different. Richard, the overgrown teenager and fashion-reject, and Giles, the intellectual who'd grown comfortable enough with himself to dress the way he wanted instead of the way he thought he was expected to...for which Buffy said a small, silent thank you...on all counts. He was turned in profile, lecturing Richard about responsibility and consequences, the diamond stud catching in the light above their table and his slightly longer hair brushing his collar as he moved his head. She was still getting used to the lack of glasses, and noticing for the first time the planes and angles of his face, the intensity of the green of his eyes and exactly how expressive that eyebrow was. In that brief confrontation back in her Freshman year, with 'Hugh Hefner' Giles, only two things about that visit remained burned into her memory...Olivia wearing his shirt, and those eyes...without the obstruction of his glasses. She hadn't even been able to process it back then...but it was now painfully clear that she had issues she didn't even know she had...issues she still had now...especially after that kiss...

Giles made an impatient sound and turned to her, caught her bemused expression without really knowing what it was for, and smiled. "Sorry, love. Can I get you another...?"

For a moment Buffy was transfixed by the tenderness in the smile, the voice...the eyes, and the sound of that word on his lips...that word aimed at her... Then she remembered that it was a game and deflated swiftly. "No, no...I think I'll just work on this one," she said far more cheerfully than she felt.

"Ricky?"

They all turned. A long-legged girl in a denim jacket, an amply filled lime coloured 'toob' and a microscopic skirt above a pair of sixties-esque clogs was approaching their table. Her hair was a shade of red not found in nature, streaked with yellow-gold streaks and spiked so that she looked as though she'd put her finger in a power socket. When she waved, a dozen bangles rattled hello as well.

A few paces from the table she stopped dead, her mouth dropping open. "Who-what...?"

"Gina, my darlin', meet my cousin Rupert and his lady love, Buffy Summers. All, this is my fiancée, Miss Gina Beresford."

The girl coloured on cue and giggled before looking from one man to the other several times. "You look like twins, not cousins," she decided. "Ricky's prettier." She gestured toward Giles. "But 'es not too shabby neither."

Buffy figured out her intent and smiled. "Not too shabby at all," she agreed, her eyes dancing when they caught Giles'.

Gina suddenly looked around them as though checking for something then fixed Harper with a hard stare. "Are those repo' geezers still after you...or 'ave you come down because you've got our little Manny back?"

It was Richard's turn to colour. Buffy looked completely confused and Rupert was leaning forward, Ripper-like. Before they could ask who the hell he'd managed to lose, Harper cleared his throat.

"The car. She named the car. Red and white, see. Man' United...get it?"

Buffy didn't, but Giles was easing back into his seat and looking mollified, if exasperated, so she decided whatever it was, wasn't entirely bad.

Gina was rolling her eyes. "What's the matter with them?"

"Rupert's just back from America. Buffy's an American girl," Harper told her. "And I've paid me debt...Man-the motor will be back in my hands well in time for our honeymoon..." he added with an ingratiatingly little boy grin, and a distinct lack of credit to Giles for the financial reprieve.

Gina's face lit up. "Really?" She squealed and slid onto Richard's lap.

Their companions looked on as the happy couple got reacquainted, mesmerized as though by a train wreck, as it dragged on.

Buffy wondered fleetingly if anyone had ever got their tongues in a knot doing it for that long and that...enthusiastically, then looked up at Giles, shocked to find herself imagining...She halted her thoughts, feeling her face burn, presumably beet-red now. At least if anyone noticed they'd think it was about what Richard and Gina were doing, not...

Giles cleared his throat loudly. And again. The pair finally came up for air.

"Oh, sorry," Richard smirked, not really sorry at all. "Terrible thing being parted from someone you love..."

"Yes, must have been a dreadful forty-eight hours or so," Giles agreed, deadpan. "Does this mean the engagement is back on again?"

Gina and Richard looked at each other and Gina grinned, flashing her ring finger at him.

Buffy squinted, trying to focus on the tiny stone. Perhaps a rose diamond, she speculated generously, then acknowledged her common sense and settled for 'a pink stone'.

"I knew it," Harper gloated. "I knew you weren't gonna let me get away that easily..."

Gina giggled and kissed his nose.

Buffy resisted the temptation to make a barfing noise. "Um...since we're all agreed that the wedding's back on, shall we leave Richard here to catch up with...um...Gina? It's kinda late and...uh...Rupert still has a long drive..."

Giles looked at her with an expression of gratitude akin to worship. "Yes, yes. We do have rather a long way to go. I'm sure Richard can find his own way back to Ben and Susan's."

Richard barely looked away from his fiancée as he waved them off, the cause of his distraction more than evident.

"No points for guessing what they'll be doing an hour from now...or sooner, if Richard has his way," Buffy muttered, then went red when she remembered who she was talking to, and put her head down further as they headed out to where the car was parked.

Giles looked at sharply at her, saw her discomfiture and smiled to himself. "No doubt," he said, but kept his chuckle to himself. He was still digesting his reactions to Richard and Gina, and trying to sort them all out. In between the general disapproval, distaste and irritation, it had affected him to see a reflection of himself...albeit a berk-like version of himself...kissing a woman not much older than Buffy was when they first met...

*An eternity ago*...his mind added wistfully.

Even then, child or no, Buffy had been old compared to most girls her age. Gina *was* a girl, little more than a child herself, and she deserved better than Richard Harper and being wife number five of God knows how many eventually...

He looked at Buffy again, wondering why his mind had made such a strong distinction between the two women. He thought of Buffy and the choices she'd made, the road back since defeating the First for the second time, and the years that slaying, and life and death, and heartache had put on her, and wondered what she would think if she knew that, for just a few seconds back there, he'd imagined himself kissing her just as Richard was kissing Gina. He flushed with warmth and dismissed the thought immediately, before it could cause any more problems, unlocking the car as soon as they were close enough to use the remote.

They drove in silence, both engrossed in their thoughts. Finally Buffy spoke, needing to drown out her own thoughts, if nothing else.

"So, now that it's back on, what are you going to do for the stag party?"

"Something that doesn't involve pipe smokers, twisting balloons or a drunken Susan leaping out of a fake cake."

Buffy boggled. "Susan?"

"Susan," Giles confirmed. "Nick's incompetence extended to using his mother as an emergency substitute for a missing stripper."

"I don't really want to ask about the rest, do I?"

"Not really," Giles agreed. "This time I'll find two or three good choices for everything and let Ben choose from each. Hopefully he will enjoy this effort a lot more than the last one. I suspect if I can keep Nick's avaricious little hooks out of the project, things will go rather more smoothly.

Buffy was watching his jaw move in profile and the late sun catching his hair as the flow of air from his barely-opened window flicked the slightly longer locks around.

"You're better looking," she said, apropos of nothing.

"Pardon?"

"Than Richard," she qualified.

He shot her a quick look. "Well, thank you," he said, at a loss.

Reddening again, she stuck to her guns this time. "I just decided. I mean Richard is..."

"A prat," Giles provided succinctly.

"Probably," she agreed. "Whatever that is. Thing is, he does look just like you under the boofy hair and the juvenile persona. But he's not you and he's not nearly as...he doesn't have...well, I just thought you should know I like you a whole lot better and you're way smarter and *way* prettier than he is."

Giles rolled his eyes and chuckled. "Since he didn't finish high school and has spent a not insignificant amount of his adult life either involved in petty crime or behind bars, I should certainly hope so."

"He is a lot like Ripper, though."

"Ripper? How would you know about-?"

"Candy, remember?"

It was Giles' turn to redden. "That wasn't a true representation of my real adolescence. Ethan made certain *all* the adults in the town would be out of commission by enhancing the spell so that we would all lose not only our adult inhibitions but any sense of right and wrong. Even at my worst I wouldn't have beaten a man...and an older one at that...half to death over some stolen clothes. That police officer spent a week in hospital after that incident," he added darkly. "Nor did I even know Ethan when I was sixteen...and he was the one who christened me 'Ripper' in the first place.

"So you weren't really 'out of control guy' when you were sixteen?"

"If you remember, I told you I ran away when I was twenty-one, got involved with Ethan and petty crime and raising demons...among other things. If I *was* 'out of control guy' as you call it, before then, I never would have made it to Oxford in the first place. "

"Sounds like plenty to go on with right there," Buffy interjected dryly. "Okay, so what were you like at sixteen?"

"Introverted. Studious. Resentful. Angry. I did what I was told, endured boarding school, achieved both the grades required of me and the excellence demanded by my 'other' training schedule, during vacations."

"So...no Ethan, no girls, no drugs...not even cigarettes?"

He sighed heavily. "At sixteen? No...at least I'd tried them...cigarettes...and I'd been drunk at least once in the dormitory, on someone's smuggled Johnny Walker, but no, I wasn't the lout Ethan created with the Band Candy spell, at least not then. I did petty crime when I ran with Ethan; I did a lot of things, good, bad, unforgivable...all of which I now own, and most of which I regret. I'm not proud of that time, but that person is not who I am now, or who I was before."

Buffy stared at him, remembering a seventeen year old girl lost in Los Angeles. "You became someone else to escape who you really were," she said softly.

Giles actually took his eyes off the road to stare at her for a long few seconds before Buffy waved at the windscreen and he focused again on what he was doing.

NEXT