Title: Feel
Author: Jacqui
Email: wily_one24@yahoo.com.au
Rating:PG-13, you watch the show, you can read this.
Time Line: Sixth season, up to "As You Were".
Disclaimer: Not mine, oh but I wish they were.
Comments: Something had to be done. (You know, I honestly thought I was gonna get much darker than this fic actually did, but it resisted me. Also, I thought I’d end it at a much happier place, but the fic resisted me here, too. Oh well).
Feedback: Very much appreciated.

"Hello?"

"Giles? It’s me, it’s Tara."

"Tara? Are you alright? Is anything wrong?"

"I’m okay, it’s… it’s Buffy. Giles, I think there’s something you need to know."

* * * *

She walked down the alley, feeling more comfortable in the shadows here than anywhere else. There were probably more vampires in the cemetery, but that was almost an off limits area now. One step inside those gates and she’d be lost. Again. Giving herself up, again, almost not caring, again. Funny, there’d once been a time when she felt most comfortable in the cemeteries. Just one more thing taken from her.

At the end of the alley, joining the main street, Buffy saw people walking, laughing, living. She envied them, their carelessness, their ability to live in the light. She thought of the house waiting for her, those peering, accusing eyes in every room. The disappointment that would descend on her like a shroud as soon as she entered. What would they know of her life now? Why did they even care anymore?

It was becoming harder and harder for her to care anymore.

The hands came from behind her, grabbing her roughly, throwing her against the wall. She felt the bricks slam into her spine, felt the impact ricochet through her body and make her teeth chatter, the familiar brutality. Just when did she lose the reflex that made her stop these attacks?

"Spike." She said the name like an exhalation, a weary breath. "Not now, ok?"

"Yes. Now."

The words were growled and they were angry, bristling with rage. Buffy’s eyes flew up, she knew that voice, and suddenly she felt the heat of his hands holding her down. This couldn’t be, he couldn’t see her like this, she couldn’t let him know. Her head tried to shake, forming a negation, but it didn’t quite make it. She could feel the tears already.

"Giles."

"What’s wrong, Buffy?" Giles brought his face agonizingly close to her ear and his breath was hot against her cheek. "Disappointed?"

"No! I…" This was wrong, this was all wrong. She tried to get out of his grasp. "Giles, let me go!"

"Let you go? I thought this was what you wanted?" She couldn’t meet his eyes and this didn’t escape his notice. "You’re the slayer, Buffy, make me let you go."

He brought her hands up above her head, holding her wrists together with his left hand, he forced her chin up with his right, being none too gentle about it. Her whole body shivered, once, as if taking a breath and she stopped struggling, going limp in acquiescence.

It surprised him, how easily she’d given up. It saddened him.

"Look at me, Buffy." She did. "What are you doing?"

"What does it matter?" She whispered and a tear fell down her cheek. "It’s not hurting anyone."

"Not hur…?"

Giles had to pause, breathing in deeply. He let her chin go and watched it fall, taking her whole face with it, the hair on the side of her head falling forward, a make shift curtain. The shame radiated off her in waves. This was not Buffy, not the Buffy he knew. How could it have gotten this far?

"Look at yourself!" He practically hissed the words. "Not hurting anyone? Buffy, you’re killing yourself!"

She didn’t say anything and a blade began to pierce his heart, slowly and accurately. All the anger left him, replaced by cold fear.

"That’s what you want, isn’t it? That’s what this is all about. Oh my lord. I’m too late."

Buffy looked at him, no longer fear or shame in her eyes, but pleading, a desperateness that shook him.

"Just let me go, Giles, let me go."

"I can’t."

"You have to!" Buffy threw him back, watching him stumble, her face red and flushed. "You have to, because I can’t do this! It’s too hard! You all tell me to get over it, but I can’t! I told you, I told you Giles, I didn’t want to live anymore! I didn’t want to…"

Her fury subsided as quickly as it came. She deflated as she looked at him, standing several feet from her.

"And you let them bring me back."

"No!" He stepped forward and immediately wished he hadn’t seen her step back, flinching. "I didn’t know what they would… I wouldn’t have let them. You have to believe me, Buffy, I didn’t know."

"That’s what he said." Buffy crossed her arms in front of her torso, hugging herself. "But I don’t believe him, either."

The unsaid name hung between them, heavy and unwanted. He couldn’t speak.

"Would you? I mean, could you have stopped it if you’d known? I saw you, Giles, I felt the emotion in you when you saw me. At least he…"

Buffy stopped, suddenly deciding that she didn’t need to finish her sentence. She sat down on a crate nearby, lacking the energy it took to keep standing. Taking a step forward, Giles had to stop himself from shaking her.

"At least what? At least what about Spike?"

"At least," She spoke so quietly he had to strain to hear her. "At least Spike doesn’t try to hide his greed."

That hurt. Giles sat down next to her.

"Is that why you…?" He couldn’t finish the sentence, didn’t have the words in his vocabulary. "I mean, why? Why Spike?"

"I don’t know. I…" She sighed. "It’s what I deserve, isn’t it?"

"Deserve? What?" He tried to place a hand on her shoulder, but she shook it off. "Buffy?"

"Faith was right. I didn’t understand for so long, Giles, I damned her, but I didn’t know. How could I? I was so goddamned sure of myself, of what I believed in. Look at me now, I’m a shadow, I’m not even really me anymore. I don’t know who I am, but I’m not good."

His heart was breaking for her.

"Of course you’re good, Buffy, you’ve always been good."

"No, I’m not. How can I be good? How can I be worth anything, when even Heaven doesn’t want me?"

"Is that what you think?"

"Think? Giles, it’s what I know! Spike’s chip, it doesn’t work on me. And I know Tara has an explanation, but the simple truth is, I don’t deserve to be in Heaven and I certainly don’t deserve to be here! I was dead, I still am. I came back wrong, I know I did."

Giles closed his eyes. There was too much to process. He knew, deep down he knew, that he’d left too soon. She’d been forced to take hold of her life, look after Dawn, get a job. All of which she’d done spectacularly. But at what cost? Why hadn’t he seen this before he’d left? Or had he not wanted to? Happy to have her back, he hadn’t wanted to face any negative consequences.

"Heaven didn’t throw you out, Buffy…"

"I know, really, I know, but… still."

"Spike’s chip works on you?" She nodded. "He hurts you?"

Buffy closed her eyes. She could feel the chains cutting into her wrists, feel her legs being held down, she could hear her own voice begging him to stop, feel the slice of his fangs pierce the vein at the top of her thigh, could feel all her blood being pulled to the one spot, drawn out of her, could feel the agony that was so close to ecstasy it scared her.

"And you let him?"

She had been weeping, but now the emotions bubbled to the surface in engulfing sobs, choking her as she fought them. Her whole body shook with them and she clung harder to herself, as if she could squeeze them out of her.

"I… I don’t want to! But I can’t stop it, I can’t stop him. I say no, but… but…" She hated herself. "I don’t mean it. And he knows it."

"But why? Buffy, why?"

"Because… because…" She flailed, looking for the words, not really knowing what they were. "It’s so blurry, so surreal, I can barely breathe. And he pushes past it all, he makes everything sharp. For a moment."

"He’s taking advantage of you."

She almost laughed, the ball of bitterness sticking in her throat.

"I’m taking advantage of him. It’s equal."

"And that’s enough for you?" He knew it wasn’t, but did she?

"It has to be, doesn’t it?"

"Why does it?"

"Because he’s the only one I can’t hurt! I’m falling, Giles, I’m going down a spectacular spiral that’s going to end in a crash and burn and I don’t want to take any of you with me."

"Have you even given any of us a chance? Or are you just so eager to hurt yourself that you don’t care? What about Dawn? What about Willow?"

They were going around in circles, dizzying circles, but he wasn’t going to give up, no matter how much she wanted him to.

"What about them, Giles? Dawn hates me now, and I know I could have done better, but I tried! It’s not my fault. She much prefers Tara and I don’t think Tara would mind. And Willow? She’s getting stronger every week and she keeps trying to make it better. She’s so guilty, about me, about Tara, about Dawn, if you pressed her right now, I’m sure she’d apologize for the Apollo mission, and I can’t take it. It’s not my responsibility, I’ve tried and I can’t make it better for her. Xander and Anya, they have each other now, they’re getting married, they’re going to be fine. And you? You left."

"I felt I had to." He said quietly.

"That wasn’t an accusation." He looked at her. "Honest. I understand why you left, and I’m taking care of everything, but… but… it’s still not enough. It’s like I go through everything in a daze, just going through the motions."

She gave a small, ironic little laugh at those words, not giving Giles an explanation, despite the confused look he gave her.

"And if, in a brief respite, I can actually feel something, something for myself, why the hell can’t I have it?"

"Because it’s killing you."

"I told you, Giles, I’m already dead."

"Stop saying that!"

"Why? Because it makes you upset? See? This is exactly what I’m talking about. You can’t handle it, Willow and Xander, they can’t handle it. Spike can handle it, or he just doesn’t care, either way."

She shrugged.

"I want to help you, Buffy."

"How, Giles? How are you going to help me?"

"I don’t know, I honestly don’t know. But I want to try."

She looked at him.

"I don’t know, either."

End