Title: The Surrogate 8/19
Author: Jacqui
Rating: Drum roll, please (dumdum da da , G!!!.
Disclaimer: Buffy, Giles and all other assorted Buffy candies belong to Joss Whedon, WB and ME. Elizabeth, and everything from her world, belongs to me (the real me, not the ‘grr aargh’ ME .
Notes: Ok, back to normal, you should all be glad to hear.

Feedback: Give me a happy. wily_one24@yahoo.com.au

Buffy closed her eyes. Everything was simple there, behind her lids, definable, describable. Controllable. Back there, Buffy could believe the lies she told herself, the lies her body was telling her. Her hands hesitated before coming to rest on her flat belly. Only, behind her eyes, it wasn’t flat at all.

It was a huge, swollen lump. A mound that weighted her every step and stuck out awkwardly before her. Her ankles were swollen and her legs riddled with varicose veins. A deep, dull ache throbbed in her lower back and her breasts felt heavier than ever before.

Physically, Buffy had never felt this bad, but it also made her smile. Every time she felt the baby move, a little shiver of expectation would scale her spine. Images of little frilly pink clothes and Giles and white picket fences floated through her head. Giles would make the best father.

And then Buffy opened her eyes.

She had to. The tears trapped inside forced the lids open so they could fall and the truth screamed at Buffy with unbearable accuracy. She wasn’t pregnant, she would never hold her own baby daughter, she would never place the tiny little bundle in Giles’ arms and see his eyes deepen with an inexplicable mixture of joy and pain at the new love that overwhelmed him. No, Buffy was not pregnant.

Buffy was sitting on the toilet, her body slumped against the wall, her face pressed against the cool tile of the bathroom, her cheeks stained with the salt of her tears as she stared at the tell tale red streak on her underwear.

Buffy was very far from pregnant.

* * * *

A silence had descended on the room, it pervaded every inch and rang heavily in their ears. Xander closely examined his fingernails, knowing that his trademark humor was not needed, nor would it be appreciated. He didn’t feel like joking his way out of this either, the news had hit him hard. Harder than he would have imagined.

Elizabeth examined the little red impression on her wrist. She’d watched as they’d pried off the tacky tape they’d used. The needle had slid out of her skin painlessly, but she’d felt a pull, some last remnant of tugging, as the metal had been extracted. At first, what had been left was a gaping hole, albeit very small, a tiny little gateway to her veins. As always, she healed quickly, the spot healing over and regenerating before her eyes. Sometimes, and she didn’t know why, Elizabeth wanted to hurt. She wished that the pulling of the IV had caused pain, she wanted a bruise that lingered and stained her skin, aching whenever she touched it. She wanted to feel.

"She wasn’t really bad, was she?"

Her voice was soft and understanding. Xander closed his eyes and leaned his head back, taking a moment to really think about his answer. Outside the door, the soft sounds of the hospital filtered though, voices, machines, footsteps and an indiscernible hum that pervaded everything.

"No. She was just very confused. But some think I’m biased."

"I don’t."

He looked at her, surprised to see that she was honest. His laugh was less an actual laugh than it was a release of bitter breath.

"You’d be the only one."

"Xander, you shared something with her that the others didn’t, you saw a part of her she doesn’t show to everyone." Elizabeth felt slightly strange, giving comfort to Xander about a woman that wasn’t Cordelia. "I don’t care how casual it was for her, it still meant something."

Xander shook his head slowly. Deep down inside of him, he felt a low buzzing, a slow spreading of warmth. Conversations, serious ones like these, were few and far between for him. He liked the feeling of being taken seriously. Not that the others didn’t take him seriously, it was just that they’d fallen into a pattern they couldn’t get out of. An unspoken agreement that they’d gloss over, minimize or ignore the issues.

"Don’t do that." Elizabeth sat up straighter and looked at him. "Ok, so you don’t accept that Faith felt more than she let on. Accept this, you notice things, you see farther than you admit. Even if she didn’t show you another side of herself, you saw it anyway."

They looked at each other for several seconds and for the first time, Xander felt as if his feelings about the whole thing, his own claims, were real. They were valid now, tangible, because someone else had acknowledged them. It was okay to be affected by Faith’s death, it was normal to grieve because they’d shared something. And Elizabeth knew it.

"Why Buffy?"

He had switched the topic without a moments notice, no warning, but Elizabeth knew where his mind went. She had seen it in his eyes, his whole posture, as if she had given him license to feel.

"When we were babies, our father used to call us Bethie. Learning how to speak, we couldn’t say the ‘th’ properly and it came out as Buffy. It stuck."

He gave a tentative smile, instead of giving him the appearance of non chalance, it only highlighted his vulnerability. Elizabeth smiled back.

* * * *

"Buffy?" A nervous voice spoke and a hesitant knock sounded on the door. "Are you alright in there?"

She rubbed at her eyes with the heels of her hand, quickly trying to calm herself, breathing deeply and trying to force the blood from blotching her cheeks. The water cooled her hands when she washed them and she splashed it on her flushed cheeks. The last thing he needed after this scare was a fresh new worry about her. Buffy opened the door and tried to smile reassuringly at him. He wasn’t fooled.

"What’s wrong?" He looked deeply into her eyes, trying to read the pain as his hand came to cup her chin, his thumb pressing into her bottom lip as it trembled shamelessly. "It’s Faith, isn’t it?"

The guilt in her eyes was telling and Giles thought he’d found its cause when a dark splinter coursed through the liquid brown pools. He couldn’t have known that she longed for the very thing she’d been complaining about, that looking at him caused her an inexplicable pain because it hurt Elizabeth just so, that it ached to feel so full when she knew that she was empty. More than ever, he couldn’t know that he made her feel worse, because she hadn’t even been thinking of Faith. Buffy forced a false smile on her lips.

"Yeah." She said sadly. "Yeah, it’s Faith."

* * * *

Ethan ran his hand over his bookshelf. There it was, the spine of the book almost calling his name, humming as he reached for it. The pages turned like comfortable blinks of the eye. He knew exactly what he was looking for. His eyes roamed the familiar words.

Suddenly, the words had new meanings. He hadn’t connected it before now, but the possible outcomes scared him more than he wanted to admit. All he had to do now was give this knowledge to Rupert and his loyal groupies. Although, that would give Rupert the glory of saving the day. He’d much rather be the hero of the piece. He’d have to go through those meddlesome kids, they were easily enough fooled.

"I won’t let them have you."

Reaching over to his left, Ethan pressed play on the video recorder and the tape began to wind, the television showing the same store security footage over and over again. Imagining the look in her eyes, the feel of her skin, her closeness. His lips mimicked the words he could not hear but remembered as if they were spoken yesterday.

-Please, let me-

-Oh, it’s… it’s-

-Magnificent. Yes I know-

When that was no longer enough, Ethan went to the cupboard and pulled out the red dress. He softly unwrapped it from the tissue paper that protected it, ran his hands delicately over the fabric and held it out in front of him. Acting out the footage, his eyes glazed over as he remembered that day. The television giving him a sense of purpose.

-My, meet the hidden Princess, I think we’ve found a match, don’t you?-

"Don’t worry, Buffy," He ground his teeth together. "I won’t let them have you."

* * * *

"It’s not here." Willow flipped through the last book as Giles and Buffy returned to the living room. "I’ve looked through every book and it’s not here."

"But you said you’d seen it, that you remembered reading about it."

Giles led Buffy to the sofa, trying not to let his disappointment show through too much. When Willow had said she might be able to shed some light on what was going on, he’d had some hope. The whole situation was troubling him, something inside of him told him that this was not right, whatever was happening between Buffy and Elizabeth.

"Not lately. It was something I read after Evil me came through. You know, I wanted to know more about that sort of thing." She tried not to notice the way that Buffy sat gingerly on the sofa as if she were in pain. "It’s probably in one of the books that didn’t make it."

"That’s just great." Buffy managed, with great concentration, not to let her voice waver. "The information we need is burned to a crisp. We have two slayers and neither of them are any good combat wise. Ethan Rayne has been playing uninvited house guest while we’re all at the hospital and… oh… I think I’m going to throw up again. Giles… bucket."

They stumbled out of the room and Willow thanked the heavens for small mercies that Buffy wasn’t going to press the Ethan issue too much.

* * * *

Oz walked into the house, he looked around, confused. It was quiet, a little too quiet. Then he saw Willow, who sat on the floor amidst a pile of books, she placed her finger in front of her mouth in a gesture to keep him from speaking.

On the sofa, face down, lay a sleeping Buffy. Giles sat on the space next to her legs, gently massaging the small of her back. He either hadn’t noticed that Oz had walked in, or didn’t care. Most likely it was the former. Giles was watching Buffy sleep and didn’t look as though a train crashing into the apartment would distract him.

"Hey Oz." Willow smiled up at him, her face weary and tired. "She’s having a bad run today."

"A friend told me to give you this." Oz handed a large book to Giles, who had looked up at Willow’s words and nodded his greeting.

"A friend?" Giles raised his eyebrow.

"Well, Ethan, but that’s beside the point. It has what you’re looking for. It’ll help Buffy and Elizabeth and that’s what counts, right?"

"Precisely. We’ll talk later, though." Giles began to flip through the pages, he stopped and began to read avidly, he must have found what he was looking for. "Yes. Yes, this is what we wanted. This is just what we need. I… oh. Oh no."

"Oh no? What, oh no?" Willow knelt up.

"Sorry." Giles pushed the book away from him. "What I meant was, Damn."

* * * *

"It’s entirely up to you, of course, but we really would prefer you to stay over night. Just so we can be sure there were no repercussions."

Elizabeth smiled as she took the pen and discharge forms from the doctor. Xander stood behind her, with his hands on her shoulders. It felt good to have that little extra support, it made it easier to stand up for herself.

"I understand you’re only doing your job, but I know my body, really, and it’s fine. I think the best place for me now is home. Thank you for everything, Doctor, we’re all really grateful."

The doctor shrugged.

"Like I said, it’s up to you, but you two should take it easy for a while. I’m surprised the baby didn’t show more distress. Usually after such a dramatic episode, the mother experiences all forms of discomfort."

Elizabeth flashed Xander a look.

"Let’s hope not." She whispered. They picked up a bag each and walked to the elevator. "You did call Joyce, right?" Xander nodded. "Because I’m not walking back. Hey, that doctor thought we were together. He probably thinks you’re the daddy."

Elizabeth couldn’t help but giggle when Xander dropped the bag.

* * * *

When Elizabeth walked into Giles’ apartment later that night, she found everyone sitting around the table. They looked up from the book, as one, to face her. Their faces identical in their sympathy and fear.

She looked over to Buffy, who was sitting closest to Giles, and the feeling she got almost hit her physically. She knew everything that she needed to know. Her face formed a mix of anger and denial. Xander stepped up behind her with the bags.

"No. I won’t do it. We won’t do it."

"Elizabeth, you don’t realize…" Giles stood up and began to walk to her.

"Oh I realize plenty. I don’t care…" She looked at Buffy and received a little smile of support. Elizabeth would be forever grateful for that. "We don’t care how much danger we’re in. We will not place this baby in danger and that is that."

"Elizabeth…"

"No!"

The room was silent for several seconds, the sound of Elizabeth’s strong voice echoed through their minds. It hadn’t really surprised them, no one had expected her to agree. But they’d all hoped. All evening they’d searched for an alternate solution, but none had come forth. Buffy slid her hand up Giles’ trembling arm.

"Giles? Don’t argue with the pre-menstrual woman."

"Buffy." Giles sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose between the thumb and forefinger of his right hand. "I hardly think Elizabeth is pre-menstrual."

"No, but I am."

"What?… Oh!"

"Does anyone want to fill me in?" Joyce, who had just walked in, looked from Elizabeth to Giles and Buffy, and back again.

"It seems," Giles sighed. "we’ve found the cause, and the cure, of the girls’ strange connection and resulting health problems."

"That’s good, right? What are we waiting for?"

"No, it’s not good, not good at all."

* * * *

Willow carried the tray into the dining room, she began to hand the cups out as she listened to Giles’ voice quietly explain the situation. She wished it could have been any other way, that there could be some other solution, but there wasn’t. She wished that she felt some other way, but something inside of her was grateful that it was Buffy and Elizabeth, and not herself, that was going through this. It felt traitorous.

"Imagine that you draw your energy from a finite source." Giles accepted the warm cup in his hands without really knowing it was there. "Elizabeth and Buffy are, for all intents and purposes, the same person and they’re drawing their life from the same source."

"The longer they co-exist in the same reality, the more strain it will place on both of them and the closer, more connected they will be. However, there is no telling how much this finite source can take. Being Slayers is both a blessing and a curse."

Everybody at the table was listening carefully.

"Anyone of us, in the same situation, would surely have ceded by now. Yet, as Slayers, they’re drawing more energy than anyone else. So far, it seems as if there’s only a real problem when high level emotions are involved, but who’s to say how long that will stand true?"

"But you said," Joyce looked at him. "You said there was a cure."

"There is, of sorts." He looked at his hands, holding the cup of tea. "It’s complicated, essentially, it involves separating their souls from their bodies and then slicing the two of them apart."

Both Elizabeth and Buffy looked down, not wanting to see anybody’s reactions, not wanting anybody to see their own.

"It’s a risky procedure at best, but with the baby… A child’s soul is a delicate thing. If we take Elizabeth’s soul from her body, there’s no telling whether the child’s soul would follow. If it did follow, then there’s no way to guide it back into this world, a baby that young would probably be lost forever. However, if it stayed in Elizabeth’s body, with no soul, that’s a whole other danger I don’t even want to talk about. It’s risky at best."

"There’s only one thing you can do." Willow’s voice carried across the room softly. They all turned to look at her. "You have to call him."

"No." For the first time since she’d walked in the door, Elizabeth spoke up. "I can’t… I just can’t."

"How can you do that to her?" Buffy turned to glare at Willow.

"It may be our only hope." Giles anticipated the glare that Buffy would send him, but it stung anyway. "I’m not going to stand around and twiddle my thumbs while you’re in danger, Buffy, I don’t care what it costs."

"It’s not just me! We have to think about…"

"Yes it is, Buffy, don’t you get it?" Giles stood up, his chair flying out behind him. "It is just you! If this is allowed to continue, it will be you! Not Elizabeth, you!"

All of them: Buffy, Willow, Elizabeth, Xander, Oz and Joyce watched him as he stormed out of the apartment.

* * * *

To anyone else it would have sounded like an unrelated barrage of loud, insistent, knocks. To Ethan, it was a readable language, coming through loud and clear. Let me in you fucked up son of a whore, before I beat you senseless. That’s what the knocks were saying. And they were shouting them in none other than Ripper’s voice.

He’d been expecting this.

The only question now, he supposed, was whether to answer the door before, or after, Rupert broke it down. He chuckled as he heard Giles’ frustrated voice outside. He paled quite visibly when the sound of a chainsaw fired up.

"Hey! Hey! Ripper, ol’ pal! I’ve got a security deposit here. Hang on a minute, will you?"

When he opened the door, Giles pushed his way inside and spun on his heels to face him. There was a rage buried deep inside, something akin to the wild, reckless youth that Ethan had once known, something that mirrored the abandon, the freedom, the danger that young Ripper had embodied. It made him glow with anticipation and fear.

"What game are you playing now? What are you trying to pull?"

"Me? Why Ripper, I’m offended. There’s no game. I only wanted to help."

"You know bloody well that book was useless. Neither girl will agree to it. And I don’t blame them, it’s risky even without the child."

"That’s not my fault, is it? It’s all I had. It’s all anyone has, and you know it. That’s why you’re here, because you have nowhere else to turn."

Giles punched him in the nose. Ethan’s head snapped back. There was blood in the corner of his nostril when he looked at Giles again, it bubbled when he breathed.

"Buffy’s in danger, you prick, tell me what you know or leave us all alone."

"You’ve fallen for her, haven’t you Ripper?" He didn’t wait for an answer, he didn’t need to. "It eats you up inside, doesn’t it? Knowing you can never have her. That she doesn’t want you."

Giles hit him again and then smiled.

"That’s where you’re wrong, Ethan, dear ol’ boy. So very wrong."

* * * *

Elizabeth felt the warmth of her quilt cover her as she leant on her hand, looking across the room to where Buffy lay on her back, peacefully, her eyes closed. The room was dark, but not completely so. Just shaded enough to hide any real detail. She knew that Buffy was not, in any way, confused about their decision, that it hadn’t even, really, been a choice.

If it put the baby in danger, then the answer was no. It was as simple as that. Although, it had taken her less than an instant to decide, Elizabeth faced a different set of choices. She was holding a separate life in each of her hands. How was she to decide? How could she possibly make that choice? And so she didn’t. She’d let Buffy choose and it weighed heavily on her heart.

"I’m sorry, Buffy, if it could have been any other way…"

Buffy smiled to herself at being found awake.

"There’s nothing to be sorry for." Opening her eyes, she rolled onto her side to face Elizabeth. "The baby comes first. And besides," She broke into a grin. "I’m not going to let some stupid book from Ethan Rayne dictate my life. I’m a tough cookie to crack and it’ll take more than a little soul sucking to kill me."

She rolled over in a futile attempt to hide her face, it was pure habit. Across the room, Elizabeth watched Buffy’s back tremble as she felt the waves of fear, resentment, guilt and hopelessness wash over her. Elizabeth imagined taking Buffy into her arms, holding her close and running her hands over her face to wipe away the tears and calm her down.

Buffy sighed sleepily, suddenly soothed as she felt the phantom caresses.

* * * *

The air had grown thick with night by the time Buffy woke again, she knew without looking that Elizabeth was asleep. She knew it by the wispy freedom she felt all over her body. A lightness, like she’d been wearing a thick blanket and had just taken it off. It wasn’t a feeling as much as it was an absence of feeling.

Her steps were light and tentative as she made her way out of the room, not wanting to wake the sleeping girl. Something was wrong downstairs, she felt it, a disturbance. There was no sound, but an echo, as if she’d been woken by a noise but hadn’t registered it properly.

Buffy’s sigh of relief, when she saw Giles at the bottom of the stairs, was replaced with a gasp of shock as she saw the gash at the side of his head. He didn’t look any where near happy as he rummaged through the book shelves yet again.

"I take it Ethan wasn’t much help?"

He looked up with surprise.

"Buffy! I… ah… no."

"There’s nothing in these books, we’ve looked again and again." She took the stairs one at a time, her hand idly running down the banister as she watched him. He avoided looking at her. She furrowed her brows as she looked over to the dining table and saw it scattered with many things. "But you’re not looking for another solution now, are you? Giles, what are you doing?"

"We may not be able to stop it, but we might just be able to…"

"No. Enough is enough." She got to the bottom of the stairs and stood in front of him.

"I can’t just stand here and watch you wither Buffy!" He slammed his hand onto the shelf of the bookcase and Buffy winced with the sound. He lowered his voice and it surprised him when it sounded like a plea. "Just a few spells, protections, safe guards, something."

"No more magic." Although her voice was barely more than a whisper, it held an authority that even he felt himself weaken to. "She’s been through enough. Her whole body whispers and hums with the spells they tried and it did them no good. Not an ounce."

"But it can’t hurt, so if it helps just a little…"

"It does hurt, Giles, and you know it." She was standing so close to him now that she could feel his heat through her top. "Every spell you cast upon me acts like a beacon. Every dabbler in town will be able to track me. I don’t want to be a target."

"I don’t understand why you won’t help yourself, why you won’t just…"

Buffy placed one finger on his lips to quiet him. She took his hand in her own and laid it flat on the small of her belly. Her whispers were soft and intimate.

"Tell me, Giles, what do you feel?"

"What? Nothing. I don’t know what…"

"Exactly. You don’t feel anything." And then he saw the desperation in her eyes, the same desperation he’d seen before and assumed it was Faith. He knew now how wrong he’d been. "Let me tell you what I feel. I feel a living being, a baby, with a heart beat. I feel her kick and shuffle. I feel her hunger and I feel her pain. And do you know what hurts the most?"

A single tear fell down her cheek as she stared up into his eyes.

"It’s not real. There’s nothing there. You don’t think I know the reality here? There’s nothing like this in my future, Giles, nothing! I’ve read the back of the box. Slayers don’t get maternity leave. No one’s gonna come up to me and hand me a cheesy gold watch, tell me I’ve done a great job, but that now it’s time to take it easy and, boy, don’t I deserve it!"

Her hand, the one covering his, began to tremble.

"I fight for my life, Giles, every night. And I will continue to do that until I have no life to fight for. That’s my destiny. That is the life that is Buffy. I’ll never get this, I’ll never get to have my own babies. Why can’t I have it just this once? Huh? Why is that too much to ask?"

"I… I’m sorry."

"Don’t be sorry, Giles, just let me do this the way I want."

* * * *

"Wow, that was… bracing." Buffy flipped her notebook closed and piled her text books on top of it.

"Wasn’t it cool?" Willow practically hummed with excitement. "There are so many things I want to discuss with Professor Walsh. I just know this class is gonna be great!"

"Yeah," Buffy seemed somewhat less enthused than Willow. "there were so many big words… and so few toilet breaks. My bladder is going to explode. Let’s go."

"Again?" Oz looked past Willow. "What’s that? Like, the tenth time today?"

"Yup." Buffy grinned, unperturbed at the teasing. "It’s my mission in life, to visit all the bathrooms on campus on the first day. Get to know your amenities, I always say. I’m serious guys, eggbert’s gonna bust something here!"

They stood up and edged their way out of the lecture hall. Willow nudged Buffy’s back.

"Eggbert?"

"Elizabeth hasn’t decided on name yet and I’m not gonna spend the next few months calling it ‘the fetus’ or ‘the baby’."

"What baby?"

Three faces turned to look at the interloper. Three pairs of eyes went innocently wide. Buffy blinked and sent a warning look to Willow and Oz. Oz dragged Willow off to the side, she didn’t take her eyes off the two, though, as she grinned.

"Baby? There’s no baby, no real one, anyway. It’s… um… a book we’re reading. You wouldn’t be interested, uh… Ricky."

"Riley."

"Riley." She nodded. "That’s what I said."

"I was wondering, Buffy, if you had some spare time, maybe we could go over some of the material. Over lunch. Maybe." Teaching Assistant, Riley Finn blushed as he smiled nervously.

"Gee. That sounds great, really, it does." Buffy’s eye brows shot into her hairline. "But I already have plans. Sorry."

"Oh, ok. Sure. I’ll see you later, then."

"It’s a… plan." Buffy blinked. "See ya."

She spun on her heels and walked over to Willow and Oz.

"What the hell was that?"

"I think," Willow teased with a sing-song voice. "someone was checking you out, Miss Thang."

"Well, I’m not here to be checked out. No. Not me. That’s what the library books are for. I am almost spoken for. That’s right folks. I’ve been checked. And I’ve been outed."

Buffy paused as she took in the looks Willow and Oz were giving her.

"Well, not outed as in outed, but outed as in checkered outered. You know what I mean. Fine, just find me a bathroom, things are reaching critical status here."

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