Title: The Surrogate 11/19
Author: Jacqui
Rating: S, for sweetness. This just isn't like me. Frankly, I'm worried.
Disclaimer: Buffy, Giles and all other assorted Buffy candies belong to Joss Whedon, WB and ME. Elizabeth, and everything from her world, belongs to me (the real me, not the ‘grr aargh’ ME .
Notes: Salvation comes in the form of… Cordelia?!?!

Feedback: Give me a happy. wily_one24@yahoo.com.au

Giles supported Buffy around the waist, her hand snaking its way across his back, hanging on to him as she rested most of her weight on him. She hated this, he knew, but he found it oddly comforting. Except for the circumstances, he loved the way she fit into his arms. He reached out with his free hand and opened the door to his apartment. A flurry of voices hit him all at once.

"Giles! Buffy! Look who's here!" Willow bounced over to them, her face flushed and ruddy. She stopped when she saw Buffy. "What happened? What's wrong?"

Buffy smiled weakly. Her body may have been running at half its normal speed, but her mind was awake. At that moment, she was enjoying the warm, safe feeling of having Giles hold her up, but not so much that she couldn't see past Willow's bright, happy exuberance. Her eyes were hot and glassy with the desperateness to stop the tears.

"It's okay, Will, I just got over excited, that's all."

"Ya know, Giles." Xander came up to take some of Buffy's weight, helping Giles to lead her to the sofa. No one noticed Anya walk to the front window. "All we ask is that you keep an eye on her water levels. Remember what happened last year when you ignored her oil light for three weeks? Hmm?"

"God! You never change, do you?"

Both Buffy and Giles snapped their heads around to face this new voice. For the first time, they noticed the suitcases that stood just inside the door and the nervous fluttering of the people within the apartment.

"Hey Cordy." Buffy's voice sounded weak as she leant her head back against the sofa.

"Hey Buffy." Cordelia paused, taking a moment to stop glaring at Xander and smile towards Buffy, then she looked back. "Heaven forbid you take anything seriously!"

Xander stuttered, looking for a decent reply.

"Hey, guys? Um…?" Anya's voice came from the window, where she was studiously peering between the blinds. Nobody heard her.

"It's okay, really." Buffy tried to cover for her flustered friend, slightly amused. "It's not that bad."

"Not that bad?" Cordelia placed her hands on her hips. "Oh no. Your pregnant self from another dimension is sucking the life right out of you every time you dare have an emotion and you refuse to do anything about it. Oh no, everything's just fine."

"Guys?" Anya spoke a little bit louder this time, but still was overshadowed.

"Cordelia." Giles spoke softly, but firmly, determined to change the subject and possibly come to the point. "This is a surprise."

"What?" She saw him gesture to the cases. "Oh! That." Cordelia smiled sweetly, putting on her best innocent face. "You don't mind if I stay for a bit, do you? No? Great. I knew you wouldn't."

"But…" Giles began, he felt the swift quick of Buffy's foot and saw her give him a pointed glance. He looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

"Oh but nothing!" Cordelia seemed intent on ignoring the signs. "It'll be fun. Just you wait."

"You'll have to sleep on the sofa." Buffy didn't see any reason to beat around the bush.

"What? I…" Cordelia stopped her sudden outburst and sighed, her eyes lost some of the indignation that had clouded them. "That's fine."

Buffy thought about this. Something had changed, Cordelia had changed, since Buffy had seen her in LA. There was still the shallow princess layer there, but that's all it was now, a layer. Somewhere underneath, Buffy was beginning to expect, Cordelia was growing up.

"Hello?" Anya raised her voice a little bit. "Guys?"

"Well, Cordelia." Buffy nodded resolutely, then broke into a grin. "Welcome to the jungle."

"Giles!" Anya's voice was now a shriek. Everyone turned to stare at her, as if amazed at her sudden appearance in the apartment.

"Yes? Anya?"

"There's a chair in the back seat of your car and I really, really think it wants to get out now."

* * * *

"Gi-iles!" Xander sneered in a high pitched voice as he unwrapped a twinkie. "There's a chair in your car and I think it wants to get out now!"

"Shut up, Xander." Anya pouted as she pushed the straw into her juice box. "I didn't know."

"All you had to do was not speak." They glared at each other.

"That's right, Pet, good advice. Never too late to start, why don't both of you not speak?"

They stopped glaring at each other long enough to glare at Spike, who sat still tied to the chair, in Xander's basement.

"I can still gag you, Spike."

"Ooh, brave little puppy, aren't we?"

"That's it!" Xander stood up. "Where are the stakes?"

* * * *

Buffy tossed in her bed. There was no way she was going to sleep that night. She didn't know what was keeping her up, her mind was racing and her limbs were itching for movement. Elizabeth lay motionless across the room.

At least there was somebody who could sleep. Buffy watched the swollen belly rise and fall. Elizabeth could no longer lie on her stomach and rarely on her side comfortably anymore. Her eyes took in the jerk of the taut skin as the child within moved. It was answered instantly by an echo of movement in her own stomach.

She ached to be able to lie there and rest her hands on her stomach without bending her elbows. It looked so comfortable, so natural. Her own feet and ankles were throbbing, swollen with fluid and she had a seemingly permanent case of the hiccups, but she was still only one.

There was no second life within her. No matter how much her body tried to fool her.

She shook her head, suddenly angry at herself for this moment of self indulgent brooding. They were becoming a lot more common now. She couldn't just lie here, twisting in the sheets, she had to get up and do something, keep herself busy.

The stairs were dark, but there was enough light coming in through the window to illuminate the apartment. Funny, she'd never noticed that before, that when all the lights were off, the street lamp outside Giles' apartment shone through. It seemed like the sort of detail she should know.

A slight noise brought her attention to the sofa. The sleeping form of Cordelia lay there, a blanket drawn up under her chin, a scowl upon the face. Buffy wondered, not for the first time that night, what had bought Cordelia back. She thought about this as she walked into the kitchen, drawn to the thought of a warm cocoa.

"Having trouble sleeping?"

She nearly jumped at the sound of a voice. Giles smiled apologetically to her as he retrieved a second cup from the cupboard and set it on the bench next to his own. Without a word, he automatically poured the milk into a small pan and began to heat it for her. She smiled at this.

"Seems I'm not the only one."

Giles looked over at the form on the sofa.

"Why couldn't she stay with her parents?"

His question, she knew, was not a complaint. There was not one person in the world that Giles would turn away if they needed help. He was genuinely concerned. It was just one more thing that Buffy loved about him.

"There was more to the tax story that Cordelia didn't want to share. She…" Buffy paused, wondering how much to tell, how much she could betray Cordelia's trust. "She's no longer welcome back. They fought, her parents and her. When I was in LA, she told me. It's just… It must have taken a lot to come back here at all."

"Do you think I should call…?" Giles voice trailed off, he suddenly wished he could wipe away the last few seconds and start again. Yet, his eyes watched her, scrutinizing her for any reaction.

"No." Her voice was gentle as she reached up to curl her finger through a stray lock of his hair and push it behind his ear. "Maybe we should give her a little credit. She knows what she's doing, Giles. If she needed Angel to help her, she'd be there with him."

He nodded, slightly awed. Why was he always so surprised at her moments of maturity and insight? Under his very nose, it seemed, Buffy had changed from a defiant teenager, heedless and rebellious to her duty, to the very woman who stood before him now.

The kettle whistled its readiness. Giles began making himself busy, making his tea and readying her cocoa. Buffy tried to help, but only managed to vex him by getting in the way, eventually she ceded and stepped back when he graced her with an extra stern glare.

She tried to stifle the giggle.

In the other room, Cordelia sighed in her sleep, turning over and mumbling in a light, indecipherable voice. Giles and Buffy looked at each other, their eyes wide with a mixture of laughter and guilt.

"Shall we take this upstairs?" He whispered.

She nodded in reply and he began to load their things on a tray.

In Giles' room, things seemed too quiet, too shushed and solemn. Buffy looked around, suddenly at a loss for things to say. Giles sat the tray in the middle of the bed and lay down to one side. She paced a few times, then turned to see him watching her, a slightly amused expression on his face.

"What?"

"You're uncomfortable." It wasn't a question. "You can sit down, you know, I'm harmless."

She smiled an embarrassed little smile, the tense moment eased though not forgotten. There was a slight edginess to the way which she moved as she lay down. He watched her silently, then reached out over the tray to run a hand down the length of her arm.

"I'm scared." She whispered lightly, suddenly feeling an onrush of emotion about to hit her. Looking down, she paused, then breathed in. "Do you think I'm totally selfish?"

Her question came out of the blue. Giles jerked back as if he'd been slapped.

"Buffy? No! What bought this on?"

"It's just, look around us, Giles, everyone we know is desperately unhappy and in some ways, these last few months have been the happiest I've known."

Giles looked down to the teacup in his hands.

"You think they're all unhappy? I rather thought things were improving."

"Oh Giles." Buffy felt a rush of sympathy for him. She knew how deeply he wished they could all lead half way normal lives. "You know they're not. Willow, no matter how much she pretends, is only just coping. Cordy is hiding something. They're both more similar than they think."

Buffy laid her mug back on the tray and twisted so she was lying on her stomach, she looked up and to the side so she was facing Giles. In a way, she felt closer to him now than she had in a long while, just being able to talk to him, to tell him her thoughts. She missed that.

"Elizabeth, she's become very good at masking her thoughts, but she still hurts. I mean, how can she not? And Xander? I guess he's improving. He and Anya are trying to make things work, they're just discovering themselves, but for so long he's had all this insecurity, all this bad energy in his life. It's almost a part of him and it's gonna hurt him to let it go."

Giles watched her face, marveling at the insight that seemed to flow from her so easily. He wanted to tell her that it would all be alright, somehow, that she didn't need to worry so much about her friends. He wanted to tell her that their unhappiness was not her responsibility and that she was allowed to be happy.

"Even Mom is just barely hanging on. I know she's acting all happy and grandmother to be, Giles, but this is hard for her. She's just lost me, and I think it runs deeper than just a mother/daughter thing. I don't know, exactly, what it is, but I feel as though I've betrayed her by moving out, by moving on. As if, because my dad left us, I had this great responsibility to stay with her. Wait, that's not it, I don't know how to explain it, but whatever it is, she's taking it hard. And now seeing Elizabeth, seeing what could have happened, it's shocked her, and intrigued her. Like a DVD of her favorite movie that comes with an alternative ending."

"You don't owe your mother anything. She's a grown woman and she knew that you'd have to leave her eventually."

They looked into each other's eyes for several moments and Giles felt the first slivers of uncertainty hit him. For the first time that he could remember, he was totally unaware of something Buffy was struggling to tell him. Not that he'd ever misunderstood her before, there'd been plenty of times, but this time was different.

It meant so much to her, he could tell, and she was trying so hard to structure her meaning behind words that were utterly failing her. He felt so useless. All he wanted to do was tell her he knew what she meant, that he understood, that everything would be alright.

There was something, he suspected, between a woman and her child, that went far beyond the scope of normal human reactions. It was a bond that he'd witnessed time and time again between Joyce and Buffy, asserting itself in the oddest of times. He could not pretend to know what had been lost by the inevitable breaking of this connection.

Somewhere, buried far deep in the back of his conscious, faint memories began to stir and echo, crying out for examination and introspection. He ignored them, pushed them down. Nothing would be accomplished by dragging out memories better left buried. How he wished, how he longed, to have known his own mother better, to have grown with her at his side.

"This scares you?" He saw the growing spark of curiosity, awareness and concern in her eyes and deflected the coming questions by bringing the topic back into play.

"Huh?" Buffy blinked. She'd seen something, she was sure of it, a rare moment in which Giles had been about to open up, reveal himself. She let the reel go and felt the fine thread of fishing wire spin away from her. One day, she promised herself, one day she was going to catch that fish. "No, well, not really."

"Then?"

"Do you think… that is… I mean…" Buffy paused to breath. "Giles, what if there's a finite allotment of happiness allowed to each of us? What if we've reached ours and it's never going to get better, if we never get this, or never have that. What if this is it?"

"Buffy? What makes you think…?"

"Every time something good happens, any time I start to relax and be happy, my world is rocked. The apocalypse comes, people die. It's like, I can only be happy at a price. And sometimes I think that price is getting too expensive. Wouldn't it be better for everyone if I just stayed at 'okay' and never got to 'good' and 'great'. What if I'm not meant to have great, Giles?"

"Don't say that, Buffy." In one swift motion he picked the tray up off the middle of the bed, laid it on the side table, and came back to face her, running a finger down her cheek. "Don't ever say that. You're meant to have 'great'. You're meant to have so much more than that, it hurts to think of all the 'great' you're supposed to have."

He watched a tear slide down her cheek, letting it pool on his finger.

"Then where is it? I keep fighting and every time I think I've won, that I finally won't have to fight anymore, it keeps getting worse. It'll never be over, will it?"

"No."

His one word, spoken so quietly, so gently, sent a hush over them both. Neither spoke the reality, it would end, one day, but that was a finality that did not need to be voiced. She was grateful, though, that he hadn't lied to her.

They lay on the bed, stretched out next to each other, lying so close that every inch of them might have been touching, but only his hand cupping her chin made contact. In spite of this, each could feel the heat from the other.

Buffy sighed.

"This, between us, this thing. I'm scared of it, Giles, because it feels so right. What if it's too right? Sometimes I think that I should stop it, that we should never be together, but then it feels so good that I know I won't be able to stop it, no matter how hard I try."

"Don't think like that, Buffy, this is a good thing and you know it. I love you, more than I ever thought possible, don't you know that?"

Her tears kept coming.

"I know that. How can I not know it? And I love you, god, how I love you! But look where it got Elizabeth and Rupert? Huh? How can we stop that happening to us?"

"Because we're prepared."

She shook her head, even she knew that Giles didn't quite believe what he'd just said.

"They were prepared, too."

Silence descended again, covering them like a blanket. Giles shivered, though he really wasn't cold. Buffy grew increasingly uncomfortable lying on her stomach, she shifted awkwardly, then shifted again. Eventually she gave up any pretense of being coordinated and twisted herself onto her back, inching close enough to Giles to rest her head on his chest.

He lifted his arm and accepted her without question.

"Here." Buffy broke the quiet, lifting his hand and placing it on her belly. Confused, he was about to speak, when she shushed him with a finger on his lips. Then he felt it, a small twitching, a shift of muscles and tissue under her skin. "Press down."

He did so and felt a responding pressure. His heart swelled. Buffy giggled.

"She's awake."

"Extraordinary." He whispered, his voice full of awe. "To feel a life there…"

He stopped, silently cursing himself for this blunder. She was already so emotionally raw, to bring this up, to remind her just what she didn't and would never have, was just plain cruel. He wanted to reach out and grasp the words, as if they were silver balls floating in the air, and pull them back in. To deny he'd ever spoken them.

"When there isn't one." She finished for him, softly, unable to keep the flicker of pain from her voice, but wanting him to know it was okay.

"The bond, it's still strong, then?" He wanted to change the subject. Buffy blinked in surprise.

"Of course, why wouldn't it be? Without the casting…"

"I know, it's just that lately you and Elizabeth seem to be rather unaffected by it. When she first came through, it was apparent in nearly everything you did."

Buffy thought about this for a moment.

"I guess. It's still there, it's still going strong, but." She struggled to find the words. "It's like your little finger."

Giles pulled his hand up, examining the said appendage. He could not, for the life of him, understand the link between their situation and his little finger.

"I'm sure it is. Um, explain how?"

"Well, for instance, what were you doing with it five minutes ago?"

Giles furrowed his eyebrows and laid his hand back down. He shifted it several times, trying out different postures to see if one felt more familiar than the others.

"It was just sitting here, I think. I'm sure it was like this? Or maybe this?"

"Exactly!" Buffy smiled. "You weren't even thinking about it, were you? You couldn't consciously feel it, but it was still there. It's not like you went physically numb, or that it disappeared or anything, it's just that you're so used to having it there that you don't think about it."

A glimmer of understanding began to grow in his eyes. Yes, this he could certainly empathize with. And she called him long winded. A smile began to form at the corner of his lips, no matter how much she went through, she would always remain, elementally, Buffy.

"Do you think it will hurt?" Giles looked down at her face again, already falling behind her subject changes.

"What?"

"The baby. Do you think it will hurt?"

* * * *

There was a quiet laziness to the way with which she woke up, Buffy didn't think she could remember feeling so relaxed and refreshed in a long time. Moments of the night before came back to her slowly, unfolding unto her conscious pleasantly. Talking with Giles, sitting with him in silence, comfortable with each other, they'd stayed like that nearly all night. She couldn't remember Giles falling asleep, so she must have done so first. She waited for the embarrassment to sink in and was surprised when it didn't.

Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, Buffy walked down the stairs, wanting to find Giles, see him, talk to him. Maybe even touch him, her mind threw at her. The thought made her both smile and shiver. How had she gotten to this point in under six months? She'd changed her whole way of thinking, to the point where touching Giles was not only a welcome thought, but a perfectly good possibility.

Willow, Elizabeth and Cordelia were sitting on the sofa, drinking glasses of juice, all signs of the impromptu bed gone and packed away. The room held the heavy silence of a conversation halted because the topic of the conversation had just walked in. Willow was trying not to grin at Buffy, but failing miserably. Cordelia was watching her with wide eyed intensity and Elizabeth just smiled into her glass of juice.

You can sort this one out yourself, babe.

Gee, Thanks.

"Morning guys." Buffy attempted to ignore the obvious. "Hey Will, you're here early."

Willow wasn't prepared to waste any time playing coy games. She jumped to her feet and bounced over to Buffy, her eyes bright and eager, an excited hum buzzing from her lips.

"So? What happened? Tell all! Did you? Did he?"

"Calm down, Will." Even as she reached out a hand to quell the excitement of her best friend, Buffy could feel the amusement radiate from Elizabeth. "Nothing happened, we just talked."

Willow and Cordelia shared a look.

"Oh sure." Cordy dragged out the last word, letting her voice rise high, not even bothering to hide her disbelief. "You two have been lusting after each other for years, you finally realize it, but can't do anything because of this bond thingy. Knowing that it lessens when the other is asleep, you expect us to believe that nothing happened the first chance you get?"

"Yes?" Buffy cursed herself when she sounded less sure than she wanted, preternaturally quiet and shy.

"Oh please. Then why is Giles singing as he fries up breakfast?"

"I… he… what?"

Even as Buffy was about to deny any such possibility, her eyes drifted towards the kitchen at the exact moment Giles emerged carrying a tray. Since she'd walked down the stairs, she'd been dogged by a slight buzzing, a sound so low she couldn't distinguish it, but now that sound made itself clear.

Giles was singing.

Under his breath, granted, but he was still singing. The sight was almost enough to make her laugh out loud in shock and amusement. She was stopped, however, when he looked up and his eyes met hers. Giles' face broke into a large, unmistakable, heart stopping grin. Buffy felt she might explode.

"Good morning, Sleepyhead."

"Hey yourself, Mr." She grinned back at him.

Cordelia walked up, grabbed a piece of bacon between her fingertips from the tray he was still holding and went to sit at the table. A smile was planted firmly on her face, though her eyes were wide and purposefully innocent.

"Yeah, nothing happened. We believe you."

Buffy and Giles both scowled at her, but Willow and Elizabeth's laughter could be heard quite plainly.

* * * *

"So, I'm going to need help organizing the seating plans for the winter ball." Melanie didn't take her eyes off the task in front of her, Helen's long chestnut hair flowed through her fingers as they deftly braided it. "Is everyone free tomorrow night?"

There were several nods and assents from the women gathered. Willow coughed politely and spoke up without thinking.

"Sorry, I can't, full moon."

Melanie gave her a withering glare.

"No, the full moon is the day after, you should know that." She shrugged and rolled her eyes at the rest of the group, some girls giggled quietly. "Speaking of which, do we all have our twice blessed candles ready?"

"Uh, technically," Willow felt silly for even thinking of the moon, there was no reason anymore, but she was getting extremely tired of these girls. "the moon is also potent on the nights before and after the actual full moon, itself. Any practicing wicca should know that."

She got up, her book bag banging against her hip as she did so. No one bothered to stop her, nor did they say anything, but they at least had the decency to look embarrassed. As she walked away, Willow thought she saw one of the girls, a really shy girl who never said anything or stuttered when she did, begin to call after her, then change her mind.

For some reason, and she didn't know why, Willow was disappointed.

* * * *

Cordelia emptied a packet of sweet'n'low into the steaming cup of froth in front of her, she gave it a few vicious shakes before laying it delicately on the side of the saucer. Picking up the mug, she battered her eyelids and looked across the table, trying for all the world to appear slightly annoyed. It just wouldn't do to show how grateful she was for this brief period of peace and privacy.

"So what's the urgency? Why the covert meeting?"

"I thought maybe we could talk, just you and me."

"Oh goodie, one on one. Lucky me." Cordy tried to laugh, but her voice cracked, shaking before she could catch it.

"Look, I only have half an hour break today." Buffy crushed the irritation that was building. She'd known that this wouldn't be easy. "Cordy, we talked a bit in LA, you told me things…"

Buffy watched Cordelia put her cup down and stare down at her hands, twisting nervously on the table. She knew that this was hard for her, but she also knew that it would be worse if she didn't talk about it.

"I was hoping you could talk to me again."

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Cordy." The voice was gentle, tired and weary, but full of concern. Cordelia raised her eyes.

"Doyle's dead." The words were quietly spoken, but they hit Buffy physically.

"Doyle? The guy who worked with you and Angel?"

Cordelia nodded, her lip trembled.

"He was more than that, he…" Her throat closed up and she brought her hand up to her mouth, looking away.

"Yeah." Buffy tried to empathize, but the extent of Cordy's problem seemed deeper. "Angel told me he was half demon."

"No." At this point Cordy did break down into a controlled sob. "He was… we were… I mean…"

Her eyes pleaded with Buffy to catch on, to save her from having to speak the words aloud. Suddenly, an understanding seeped into Buffy's eyes, a small 'oh' forming on her lips.

"Cordelia, I'm so sorry, I didn't know."

"Yeah," She said softly. "Neither did I."

At Buffy's confused glance, she smiled wistfully, touching her lips lightly and unconsciously.

"I didn't know, see, how I felt. Or maybe I did and didn't want to admit it. Then, when he was about to… to… do what he did, I finally let myself… We kissed."

They sat in silence for several moments, sipping their coffees, watching the other students walk around the campus, slowly drifting here and there. Buffy stared at the swirling pool of hot liquid in her cup, even the decaf she'd ordered seemed strong. Months of caffeine exile had been torture for her, but now that she'd given in and guiltily ordered one, she found she couldn't drink it. She was surprised by Cordelia's next words.

"You know, I always wondered what the big attraction was." Her thoughts had been drifting and it hadn't occurred to Cordelia that it was a big jump in conversation until she saw Buffy's frown. "You know, a demon. I always prided myself that I was the only scooby never to date or be one. You know, you and Angel, Willow and Oz, even Xander and that Anya person."

"What about Giles?"

Cordelia laughed sadly, her eyes never quite making it sound real.

"Oh, he was never in the running, Buffy, we always knew he loved you."

For some reason, she wasn't sure why, that sentence made Buffy extremely sad. She should, she knew, be extremely comforted by this extra reassurance. She also knew that Cordelia had meant it to be a comfort as well, but it was as if a sudden weight had fallen upon her.

"Thanks." She managed it as a whisper, not trusting herself to speak properly.

"Buffy?"

The added concern in Cordelia's voice was still surprising to Buffy, though she should have come to expect it. She now knew at least some of what the change in Cordy was. She'd had to grow up in such a short time. Starting with that thing with her parents and ending with Doyle. Somewhere in the middle, she was sure, was a lot more, a lot of soul searching and self discovery. Cordelia, she suspected, would make a very interesting psychological study. They all would, she heard herself think.

"Hmm?" She wondered if Cordy had picked up on the unconscious mirroring of Giles, the moment the distracted hum had purred through her lips she'd picked it.

"There's still a little time left in your break, how about you do some talking now?"

"I don't need…"

"Buffy."

Cordelia perfectly mimicked Buffy's concerned, tired expression of before, with a gentle smile tugging the corners of her lips. She liked this new relationship with Buffy, more than she let herself admit. It was easier, now that she'd had time to re-evaluate her priorities, to forgive Buffy of all the imagined transgressions of high school.

She remembered that it had been her, initially, that had welcomed Buffy, had tried to bring Buffy into the fold, because she'd sensed something there. She could remember the way she'd always gravitated towards the scoobies, because she'd liked them all, not just Xander. She could also remember that it had been Buffy who had been the one to try and reconcile with her after the factory.

Cordelia felt guilty and shamed that she'd treated Buffy so shabbily. She supposed that now was a period of atonement, a form of unspoken apology. A payment, much like all the other bad things she'd had to endure since she'd left Sunnydale. Something told her that if she said this out loud, Buffy would have no idea what she was speaking of, that she wouldn't remember all the injustices. This only made Cordy feel smaller.

"It's just… I don't know." Buffy found herself struggling to form proper coherent thoughts again. Too much, recently, she'd been pouring out her heart.

"Is it the bond thing? I knew it was bothering you, you can't fool me with that 'it's not so bad' thing."

"That's just it." Buffy sighed, annoyed. "It's not the bond at all. That's the problem. Everyone keeps saying how much of a burden it must be, how much they don't envy me, how I should be pitied. Even Giles."

The last two words were quiet, as if she hadn't really wanted to say them.

"But," Cordelia tried valiantly to cover how flustered she was. "Isn't it bad?"

"No. It's strange, certainly, but it's not bad. I mean, I'm getting a taste of everything I'm never going to have. I get to be pregnant, I get to have a baby, I get to have a husband."

"Who says you're not going to have that?"

"Let's not sugar coat things, Cordelia, the life of a Slayer is never long. I'm never going to have the white picket fence, the two point three kids, the happy married life. Is it wrong and terribly selfish of me to want a little piece of it now?"

"Buffy," Cordy tried to shake off the horrid feeling she was getting. That was one thing she hated to think about, refused to acknowledge, Buffy's already longer than average slayer life. "Don't talk like that. You can't give up on something before it's even begun. If this thing with Doyle taught me anything, it's that you can't not hope for things just because you think it's useless."

"You can hope, you've got your whole life ahead of you!" Buffy tried to bite back her words. "Me? I get to keep my affairs 'in order' on a nightly basis, wondering if each night is THE night. Each 'see ya later' is a possible final farewell. I'm not kidding myself, why should you? Don't I deserve to pretend, just a little?"

Cordelia looked into her swirling coffee, she suddenly didn't feel like drinking it anymore. As Buffy sighed, obviously not expecting an answer, she had an idea.

* * * *

That afternoon, after their final class, Willow and Buffy pushed open the door to the apartment. It did not resemble the place they had left that morning. Xander and Anya sat on the floor, amid large blocks of wood and piles of screws.

Xander's face was scrunched up as he stared at a stubborn pole, ignoring his girlfriend. Anya was lining the screws up and making them walk, her mouth moving silently. Elizabeth lay on the sofa, her eyes closed as if she were tired of listening to the others. Large sheets of instructions lay open on her chest, spread out like a blanket.

"Hey Guys."

Three pairs of eyes turned to glare at them.

"This kid," Xander's voice lacked it's usual happy cadence. "Is going to have to sleep without a crib."

"Well if you just listened to the instructions, maybe we'd be finished by now."

Buffy could feel the frustration and exhaustion ooze off of Elizabeth.

"Maybe if you hadn't taken the instructions and elected yourself Queen of Construction."

Elizabeth turned a withering glare onto Anya. Before she could say anything else, Willow forced herself past Buffy, her hands up.

"Hey! Whoa! Everybody, back to your own corners! Hostility grudge match 2000 is taking a break, we'll be back after these messages." The three guilty parties hung their heads, suddenly feeling slightly foolish. "What the heck is going on?"

Buffy let her book bag sink to the floor, she was tired. All she wanted to do was relax, not enter a battle zone, she knew that she'd have to give up classes soon and it depressed her. She walked to the kitchen, aware but not caring, that everybody was watching her.

"Where's Giles?" She sounded distracted.

Anya snorted.

"Yeah, just friends." Buffy glared at her. "Cordelia kidnapped him after your meeting. She needed his opinion on something. I don't know."

"Cordelia?"

Buffy was immediately suspicious, she turned to look at the others, but all she saw was the same looks of confusion and innocence on each of their faces. Sighing deeply, she strode to the middle of the floor, lifted the empty seat a little, reached under and drew out two small pieces of wood. Without saying a word, she slotted, screwed and hammered until all the pieces shaped a baby's crib. As she walked up the stairs, Anya's voice followed her.

"Hey! Cordy's taking your bed from now on, she said the sofa was too hard on her back. You can sleep in Giles' room again!"

Buffy was too tired to argue, she loudly threw some clothes into a bag and stomped into Giles' room, slamming the door and fell onto the bed, face down. Nobody said a word. Xander managed to look sheepish at the fact that he hadn't discovered the missing pieces.

* * * *

"Cordelia, are you sure this is what Buffy wants?"

Giles adjusted his glasses, trying to keep the strain out of his voice. Secretly, he was getting excited, a small kernel of warmth radiating from his heart. He just wasn't sure that it was at all wise to trust Cordelia in the timing of these matters.

"Come on Giles, just one more case. Look!" Her excited squeal managed to call the attention of everyone in a five block radius. He grimaced. "This is it! This is the one."

Giles peered over her shoulder. A smile began to form on his features.

* * * *

Across the street from the Giles' apartment, three figures crouched in the bushes. One was stony faced, holding a pair of heat sensitive night goggles to his eyes, never moving an inch. The other two were playing poker with a pack of cards that was beginning to crumple at the edges.

"Do you think either of you could care a little less about this assignment if we paid you?"

Graham looked up.

"You'd pay us?"

Forrest hit him, then turned to look at Riley.

"Man, what do you expect us to do? The 'subject' hasn't moved from the upstairs room in three hours, the redhead, Willow, the guy, Xander and his girlfriend went home half an hour ago, and the other two haven't come home yet at all."

"And?" Riley refused to listen the small voice in the back of his head that agreed. His assignment was clear.

"And what? Dude! You're taking this a little too seriously, aren't you? I'm cold, tired and hungry, let's go report into Walsh and grab a pizza."

Graham agreed heartily.

"Our orders were clear."

"Orders my ass!" Forrest reached out and grabbed the goggles from Riley. "You're becoming obsessed! It's one thing to watch and observe, it's another thing to stalk someone. Are you sure this isn't just because she shot you down?"

Riley stared him in the eye, his voice was steady, calm and cool.

"She did not shoot me down."

He reached out and snatched his goggles back. But he didn't look back to the apartment, he stood up and walked away, knowing that they'd follow without a word. Riley thought about his actions lately, trying to find a reasonable explanation for them.

Following orders just didn't seem to cover it. He began to wonder how much more information Professor Walsh would need about Buffy.

* * * *

Giles could barely stop himself from smiling ear to ear, he felt like a can of soda, bubbling up and ready to froth over. Now was not the time, though, he had it all worked out. He stood at the door, about to knock, but something made him quietly push the door open.

She was asleep, her face smooth and peaceful. Looking at her now, Giles was saddened to be confronted with just how tired and stressed and tense she'd been lately. The conversation they'd had the night before had given him some indication, but this small visual seemed to give him a clearer picture.

Maybe Cordelia was right. He sure hoped so.

Walking over to her gently, softly, he knelt by the bed and ran a hand though her hair. Her eyelids, puckered where they closed, twitched slightly.

"Buffy." He whispered into her ear, blowing lightly. "Buffy, sweetie, wake up."

She murmured something under her breath.

"Come on, we bought dinner home. You need to eat."

Her eyes opened slowly, she focused dreamily on his face. A smile spread over her lips, lighting up her eyes. Reaching out a hand, Buffy cupped his chin.

"I was looking for you, where'd you go?"

"I know you were, but I'm here now." He kept his voice in a low whisper, close to her face, he couldn't help but smile back. "I was helping Cordelia with some things. Come on, let's go downstairs."

Buffy yawned, then grimaced.

"Ew. Not before I freshen up."

* * * *

The gym was deserted, Buffy wasn't that surprised, though the largeness of the empty space subdued her. She felt smaller with every moment she looked at the high ceiling and polished wooden floor. The small feeling of resentment that had plagued her all morning started to edge itself along her spine.

He'd known, whispered a voice that she tried to push down, he'd known it was one of her last days of classes, that she would probably be too tired to train, but he'd pushed. Giles had actually gotten quite stubborn about it and Buffy had finally surmised it would be easier to give in. She looked around the gym now, angry at him for being late when he'd pushed so hard.

"Hello?" She called out, listening to her own voice echo around the room. "Yoohoo? Anybody here? Giles?"

Something made her turn to the left, in the corner of her eye she saw something rushing towards her. Raising her arm, sideways, she managed to deflect a speeding basketball. It bounced several times before rolling to a stop.

"Okay. That was A. Not fair. B. Not funny. And C. Just plain rude."

Giles stepped out from behind her. He at least had the grace to look sheepish.

"Sorry, I just wanted to see how alert you are."

"Alert enough, Michael Jordan." Buffy tried to stay angry at him, but ended up smiling at the wounded puppy dog eyes she was getting. "I hope you didn't call me down here just to throw balls at me, I have better things to waste my energy on."

"As, I gather, you've had for the last few months. When was the last time we trained properly?"

"Giles!" Buffy couldn't believe her ears. "You have got to be joking! I think I've done pretty well lately, thank you very much, considering the circumstances."

He kept his expression stern, holding his hands on his hips in a gesture he knew would just make her defiant and argumentative. She pouted at him.

"Yes, Buffy, why don't we consider the circumstances." She furrowed her brows and looked at him closely, he was up to something. "You saw yourself what happened to Spike when he came into contact with Elizabeth. And he is, not that I can believe I'm actually saying this, one of the more reasonable of vampires. Can you honestly say you'll be ready for whatever happens, whatever demon is likely to come?"

She hadn't thought about it quite like that.

"So, what's the plan?"

Giles held up a small plastic tube, attached to it were several bands. Buffy raised her eyebrows. He reached out and took hold of her wrist, turning it over and wrapping the bands around it. When she wore a jacket, it would be concealed under her sleeves. She eyed it curiously.

"Okay, so I accessorize to kill. How does this help?"

Giles showed her how to activate it without using her other hand. It buzzed into life.

"Whoa! I really do accessorize to kill!" Buffy burst out into shocked laughter. "Giles! A stun gun? You rebel!"

They spent the next fifteen minutes getting her used to flicking it out and on without awkwardness, making her comfortable with the motions needed to get a direct hit. A glow seemed to spread out from her eyes, over her face and around her skin. She was enjoying herself.

The next thing he gave her was a small switch blade that could be concealed at her waist, almost like a gun. It was more than just a blade, though, the other side was sharpened to a point as well. A wooden point.

"Giles, you're really starting to fight dirty, you know it?"

"Demons don't hold a moral code, Buffy," He seemed slightly saddened by this, "I see no reason why we should."

Her stomach growled in protest. She laughed.

"I guess I'm hungrier than I thought, wanna grab some lunch?"

"I… I packed us a lunch." He seemed nervous all of a sudden. "Let me just show you these last things, then we'll eat, okay?"

She nodded and watched as he opened a case, she saw a glint of silver as he pulled out the contents. Her breath caught in her throat. When he held one out to her, she gingerly picked it up, testing its weight.

"Wow."

Buffy slipped the fingers of her right hand into the knuckle duster, it felt comfortable, as if it were made for her hands. She threw a couple of air punches, imagining the feel of actual contact. There was something slightly exciting about Giles teaching her all these underhanded tricks.

The fingers of her left hand traced the patters that were etched into the silver. Crosses. Deep, intricate, beautiful. They would, in themselves, leave a mark when coming into contact with any vampire. Giles held out the matching partner.

"Here, try this one."

She eagerly took it, slipping her free fingers into the holes, wanting to even out the weight of her hands. Something caught, coming loose, making her wince. She tried to jiggle it back into place. An apologetic look came over her face.

"Oh! I think I broke it." She frowned, looking down at her hands as they fumbled, her expression went from rueful to annoyed as she spoke. "I didn't mean to, all I did was put it on. It doesn't fit… something's loose… Giles! It's broken!"

At the last sentence, she thrust her hand forward and pouted at him. She noticed that he was smiling at her.

"Let me."

Giles reached out and gently took her left hand in both of his, his fingers deftly eased the knuckle duster off her fingers. Buffy was too distracted by the look in his eyes, the gentleness, the breathlessness, to see what was happening. When she looked down, she gasped.

"Buffy?"

Giles thought he might cry. He could not tell what she was thinking, her face had paled, all the blood had been drained. All he wanted was for this moment to be over, to know one way or the other what would happen from here. The diamond ring glinted softly in the light.

"Will you marry me?"

NEXT