Title: Hard Truths 4/5
Author: Jen
Feedback: It's my drug of choice.
Disclaimer: Nope, wasn't me. I didn't do it. Joss, ME, and various other entities did.
Buffy swiped at her eyes as she ran down the street; the tears she had held inside since before she returned no longer kept at bay.
She needed to talk to someone; someone who wouldn't judge, wouldn't press for more than she knew, and would understand just how badly her heart was breaking.
Buffy knocked frantically on Willow's window. Willow rushed to the window and threw it open when she saw who it was.
Willow pulled her friend into the room and settled her on the bed. She tried to make sense of Buffy's broken ramblings and failed. She left the room quickly and returned with a glass of water. Buffy took the glass with a shaking hand and Willow helped settle the hand so that she could drink.
When Buffy calmed, she poured her heart out to Willow. Not the future stuff, but the breaking up with Angel stuff. Willow pulled her into a hug and rocked her as Buffy's cries started again.
Willow simply held her friend and grieved with her.
**********************
Buffy hesitated before she knocked on the door. This was the last conversation she had ever wanted to have with Angel. But have it, she must. Willow had been able to calm her enough that she wouldn't be a total basket case when she saw him.
She slowly raised her hand to knock. Before she could complete the action, the door slid open, and her beloved stood there.
Angel smiled down on her and stood back from the door. Buffy entered and sat gingerly on the sofa.
Angel sat beside her and laid a hand on her shoulder. She jumped slightly and gave him a weak smile.
"Buffy, what's wrong? Is there something new I should know about?"
Buffy nodded her head in the affirmative and sighed.
"Uh Angel, How much do you know about your soul?"
"I don't understand what you mean."
"How much do you know about what the gypsies did to give it to you?"
"I don't know a lot about it. I could never find a gypsy who was willing to tell me," he said flashing a grim smile, "especially once torture was no longer an option. I know it's there, I can feel my love for you in it."
Buffy gave a half-smile as she tried not to cry again. This wasn't going to be easy. Taking a deep breath she started, "Well, last night I found out a few things about it. Giles is looking into it too, but I got it from a pretty reliable source."
Angel sensed the uneasiness radiating off Buffy, and it caused him to move further away from her, leaning back into the couch away from her. "Tell me."
"There's a clause attached to the soul. Guess the gypsies really wanted you to suffer. Stupid gypsies; they want everyone to believe it's all fun and bright colors and fortunes. They don't bother to mention the evil, vindictive portion of it," Buffy mumbled. Angel touched her shoulder to bring her back on track. Her heart leapt, as always, at even the slightest contact. She almost couldn't meet his eyes. "One moment of true happiness will take it away."
"True happiness? I've been happy before and nothing bad happened."
"Uh, no, Angel." Buffy blushed. They hadn't reached the point in their relationship where she felt comfortable having this discussion. "*True happiness*," she emphasized with a gesture of her hands.
Angel looked puzzled, "But I've done that before."
"So don't want to hear about that," Buffy said, cutting him off. "It has to be with someone you love, like me," she whispered, daring to meet his eyes, her heart in hers. Even if this was going to end badly, she still wanted to hear him tell her he loved her.
Angel started. "Oh! You mean if we were to."
"Yeah. Seems like those wacky Gypsies didn't want to leave anything to chance."
"Who told you about it?" he asked.
"Giles did."
"And you believe him? What if he's wrong? Maybe he made a mistake."
"Angel, my Giles didn't tell me. A future Giles, Willow, and Xander did. They had proof, too."
"A future Giles? What happened?"
Buffy gave a brief recap of her previous nights' adventure. The more she told him, the harder it became to talk. Finally, when her sobs could no longer be restrained, he stopped her with a finger to her lips and pulled her into a hug.
Buffy clung to Angel, pouring out the anguish she felt. A part of her desperately hoped that they would figure out a way around the curse, but deep down she knew that they couldn't be together.
Eventually, her sobs abated and she pulled away from him.
"Please, don't. I guess I might as well get used to crying on my own now. I don't think I can feel your arms around me and not want to be with you."
"Buffy, maybe we can find some way around it, alter it somehow."
Buffy shook her head. "I don't think there is a way to change it. If there were, we would have found one in the future. I'd give anything to change it. But I can't. It's there, and I can't ignore it when nothing but badness will happen. I wish I could say it doesn't matter. I want you to take me into your arms and never let me go, tell me that everything will be alright. But, you can't and it won't."
Angel stood and looked everywhere but at her. "I love you Buffy. We can be together, we just won't *be* together."
As much as she wanted to agree, and never let him go, Buffy knew that it would only get harder and harder as time went by. Eventually they would grow complacent and believe the curse wouldn't work. "So, you've decided. I have no say about it?"
"I want to; you have no idea how bad I want to. But, we can't be together like that. It's too hard. This is probably the hardest thing I will ever do. But, I can't be with you and not *be with you*."
Angel turned his back on her and gave a sigh, the tension he felt evident in the set of his shoulders. "You're right. When I'm with you I forget about everything except how much I love you. I told you once this wasn't a fairy tale, I just didn't know how right I was. I can't imagine how hard this will be to see you and not be with you. But you know I'll be here for you if need me though; you know that, right?"
"I know," she whispered as the last of her hope fled, leaving a gaping emptiness behind. "I'd better go. I'll. I'll talk to you later."
Before she reached the door Angel spoke. "Buffy," he said her name like he sometimes did, a mixture of blessing and penance. "I love you, always."
Buffy could barely get the words out, but she knew his vampire hearing would catch them. "I'll always love you too, no matter what." At that, she ran out the door and into the fading light of the day.
**********************
Giles laid the last notebook aside and shuddered. If that was what their future had been, then he owed his future self thanks that the chance to change it had come. He couldn't blame himself for wanting to change as much as possible. The fact that they had survived, more or less, intact, amazed him. He had started to try to decide how much to relay to Buffy, when she slowly walked into the room.
He rushed to her side and helped her into a chair. Leaving her for a moment, he fetched a strong cup of tea with plenty of sugar to revive her.
She drank mechanically, not even tasting the beverage. He took the empty cup from her and waited for her to come around.
Buffy slowly raised her eyes to his and sniffed.
"Did you read them?" she asked.
"Yes, I did. I understand now why you were so emphatic about bringing these with you."
"Was it worse than what I told you?"
"Um, yes it was. Much more than you let them tell you," he replied.
"How much of it was my fault?"
"I am not sure that fault or blame can be assigned. Missteps on all sides were made."
Buffy shook her head ruefully. "Now I know that it was mostly my fault. Only you could try to fix it where I wasn't the bad guy."
He nodded his head slightly in acknowledgement. "Now that we do know most of what will happen, we can change it. But, for every one thing that we may change, something else will take its place."
"Anything has to be better than what they told me I did to all of you."
"Actually, a great deal of what I read was done to you or for you. No one should have had to live that life."
"I broke up with Angel," she told him.
"I gathered as much. I talked to Jenny, as well."
"Oh. And she knew."
"Yes. She knew everything and filled in a few blank spots, too."
"I'm sorry, Giles. This is because of me."
"No, Buffy. By bringing this information back with you, you saved her life."
"What do we do now?"
Giles shrugged his shoulders. "We start fresh."
**************************
Spring 2003
Giles reeled as new memories began assaulting him. He could see the new events superimposed over old ones. They jumbled in his head and his only coherent thought was, 'She made it back.'