Title: A Dance with the Devil 3/?
Author: Jullez
Disclaimer: They aren't mine, except for Lillie.
Rating: This part is PG
Dedication: My cat Chris who died of jaw cancer last week.
Feedback: Please?
Distribution: If you want it just ask. I'll say yes. Solo and Dria.
Summary: 7 months after part 1.
E-mail: Jullez@prodigy.net
A few more months have passed, 6 to be exact. I can't believe that there isn't anything that can help us! I refuse to stop looking. I even started learning Latin so I can read the older texts. I've even considered contacting the Council, not that they will help me or anything.
I started college. College is…. different. I'm actually getting pretty decent grades. I spend my free time studying because I know that's what Giles would want me to do. He would always tell me how smart I was and that I could get really good grades if I would work harder, so that's what I'm doing. Any other time I have I usually spend at the bar Xander works at. He's a lousy bartender, but he gets me a lot of free drinks.
About a month and a half after graduation the new slayer showed up in town. Her name is Lillie and she is an 18 year-old senior at Sunnydale High. Wes took over the job as librarian. He hasn't really touched anything in Giles' office. I think that was out of respect for me.
The first few times I went back to the library, I couldn't stay long because I would break down into tears. Wesley was very apprehensive about letting me return because the first time I went back I threw up on the floor. Everything that happened there came crashing down on me all at once making me vomit.
Now the actual room doesn't bother me so much. I go there a lot to train with Lillie. At first I wasn't sure if I should trust her or not, but we bonded pretty quickly. Her parents were both watchers and friends of Giles, so I strongly doubt that she would stray from our side. She has an attitude that is a little similar to Faith's, but the only rebellious things I have seen her do, besides going to the bar with me, is dye her otherwise sandy blonde hair black cherry. I talk to her about Giles and she actually understands how I feel. She seems to be the only one who understands me at times. I never really could explain to Willow how badly the nightmares make me feel. Having Lillie around has helped me more than I can express. She doesn't live very far from me, which makes things more convenient. Lillie said that the moment she was called her parents purposefully looked for a home reasonably close to mine. They said it would be more efficient. Lillie has started helping us to bring Giles back home to me. She grew up in Ireland, so she has been reading all of the Gaelic texts we have.
I live with Willow at the dorm. When you walk in you can tell which side of the room is mine. My side is covered with pictures of Giles and myself. I don't think Willow and Cordelia will ever know how glad I am that they took photography senior year.
My favorite pictures were taken at on of our training sessions. Giles had decided not to wear protective gear that day. He really didn't need to anyway. Giles can hold his own with me in a fight. We were practicing hand-to-hand and got a little bored, so to preserve my attention span Giles started doing flips and challenging me at who could do a handstand the longest.
Cordelia snapped a picture of us doing a handstand looking at each other trying not to laugh. Then she took another of us falling down. She laughed and made a comment about how gross and sweaty we were. We got our revenge when we jumped to our feet, threw our arms around Cordelia, tightly sandwiching her between us, and screamed, "We love you Cordelia!" Somehow Willow managed to get that picture.
Even though I live at the dorm I still live at home. I stay with my mom half of the time. She's gotten use to me stopping by unannounced. Sometimes I just need to feel the comfort of home. I mostly feel insecure at school and being home lessens the feeling or at least lets me forget about it for a while.
Mom is nice to talk to. She sat up with me and listened to me cry over Giles, both awake and in my sleep for I don't know how long. I would give anything to get him back. I hope he knows that I love him and that I always needed him, even if I didn't always show it. Giles never knew it, but having him here made me feel safe. He was like my security blanket.
You know when you are little and you have that blankie you wrap around yourself and never want to put down? For some reason having it makes you feel comfortable, warm, confident, and protected. Well, Giles was my blankie. Knowing he was always there made me feel better. I didn't have to be able to see him, but knowing he would be there anytime I wanted to go to him made me feel protected. It's kinda ironic that the one who was sending me out to face the demons was also the one trying to protect me from them.
I've spoken to Angel and Cordelia a few times over the past months. Cordelia seems to have grown up quite a bit, since she left she isn't as shallow. I think her and Angel are actually good for each other, but that's something I never thought I would say. Every time we talk she tells me about the adventures of her, Angel, and some guy named Doyle… or was it Dayle? We always end with her telling me how sorry she is that there isn't anything she can do to bring Giles back. Cordelia actually cares a lot more than she would like people to know.
I called Angel about 2 months after the Ascension when I needed some information on a demon. I think Angel was afraid to talk to me at first. That night in the library I wasn't jesting, I would have killed him and I think he knew it too. For some reason that night I felt as if he was keeping me from Giles. It felt like he had always been keeping a part of me from him. I know that sounds weird, but I can't explain it, not even to myself.
Angel said he would help me in any way possible. I know that's because he still loves me, but I don't love him anymore. I don't love him in the way he wants or the way I use to think I did. Angel will forever be a lifelong friend and that's the way I want him, as a friend.
Most people wouldn't still be searching for a release after 7 months, but I can't stop. I know he's not dead and I refuse to believe that there isn't something out there waiting for me to find it. When there's a Hellmouth there's a way.