Title: Dance with the Devil (4/?)
Author: Jullez
E-mail: Jullez@prodigy.net
Spoilers: Everything to be safe.
Summary: They find the way home.
Notes: Sorry it took so long. Real life.
Distribution: Gabi, Dria, everyone has my permission, so take it if you like it.

A year! One whole year. It's amazing how time can seem to wash past you and other times it can feel like everything is going so slowly that you want to scream because it is making you insane. Right now I think time is doing a little bit of both. Time is a funny thing. There's no cosmic measure for time it just exists. Man created time in essence. He measured it, named it, and everyone abided by the rules he created. How do we know that what we call a second isn't a year or a thousand years? How do I know that it has been a year since Giles was taken away from me? Time has a different measure in hell. For Giles it must be around thousands of years or hundreds of thousands of years. I can't even imagine what he must be feeling. I wonder if he even has a grasp of time. I think I've started to loose mine.

A few months ago are when things started to change for the worst. I got so frustrated that we still hadn't found anything. I went over everything we looked at since Giles left again. All of my time went into the search. I stopped paying attention to school and I wouldn't be surprised if I have flunked out after this semester. I don't sleep and I barely eat.

Willow always subtly tries to tell me that I'm hurting myself and none of what I'm doing is helping him. She doesn't understand. I don't care what happens to me. No matter how much I hurt myself it could never equal the feeling of emptiness inside of me. The emptiness hurts more than I can describe. My days have started to melt into each other, I can't tell where one ends and the next one begins. I feel so lost. There is only one person who can truly find me, but how can he if he's lost himself?

Today I am going to meet Xander at work, and then we are going to meet everyone at the library to see what we can find. I'm glad that I have the friends that I do. After all this time I can still count on them for their support. I don't know what may have happened if I hadn't had them with me.

******

Buffy made her way through the doors of the bar Xander worked at. She was almost an hour early, but she wanted to talk to Xander for a little while, besides he'd probably need the company. Xander had gotten the early shift that day which usually attracted a very unlively group, most people who came in at this hour where the same group of drunks who pulled up a stool at the bar and stared into their glasses for hours. Naturally Buffy felt right at home with people who were trying to drown their sorrows.

"Hey Xand," Buffy said taking a seat at the bar. "Wow Buff, you're here early," Xander said not the least bit surprised. Buffy seemed rather perky for 9am. "Well I'm kinda wired. You know getting into research mode. So you think we'll find anything?"

Xander's outlook on the subject was grim. He missed Giles dearly, but he had faced reality a few months earlier, whereas Buffy seemed to be living in a fantasy world where Giles was waiting for her in the park with a picnic basket. To Xander's relief Buffy interrupted him before he could answer. He knew the answer he wanted to give her could be harmful to his health and to hers considering that they were in a bar. Buffy cleared her throat, "Umm…my throat's a little dry, can I have a drink Xander?" Despite the innocence in her voice and face when she asked the question he knew that wanting a drink had nothing to do with wanting a drink and more to do with the fact that she hadn't had one in at least 8 hours. "Sure. How about some orange juice?" She giggled, "How about adding some vodka to that orange juice?" Xander stopped cleaning the glass in his hand, placed it in front of Buffy, and reluctantly poured her the screwdriver.

An hour later found the bottle of vodka empty and Xander's shift over. As they made their way to the parking lot Xander couldn't help noticing how Buffy fumbled with her keys. "Buffy will you let me drive," he asked taking the keys out of her hand. "I've been coped up all morning, you know, I wanna make with the activity, and after all I am car guy." Buffy started giggling again, "Sure." That's when he knew she was intoxicated, a sober Buffy would never let anyone drive the Citroen. The scary part was that she didn't look or act in the least bit out of sorts save for a giggle every now and then. She was, however, surprisingly quiet on the drive over to the high school. Xander had been observing her closely over the last few months; she hadn't been making it easy for him either. When Giles had first gone she clung to her friends, she felt so alone with out Giles that she held on to everyone around her. When Lillie came she was reluctant to let anyone else in, after the fiasco with Faith he couldn't blame her. About three months ago she started separating herself from the group. There were two Buffy's now. There was the Buffy the rest of the world saw and then there was the one that was living inside of her head, no one really knew what was going on with her. Xander was starting to become more than slightly concerned with her mood swings. He wondered if speaking to Joyce would help, but ultimately decided against it. <What can I tell her that she hasn't already noticed? What can we do to help her anyway? Yeah, sending her to a shrink will help, if I want to get her COMMITED! > Looking at her Xander decided that maybe a shrink wasn't such a bad idea after all. She had been sitting in the passenger's seat virtually immobile, staring into space. Her chest wasn't even moving as an indication of breathing. If you didn't look at her hands you might even think she was dead. Her fingers were busy playing with the black onyx ring on her middle finger, a sign Xander had learned to recognize as nervousness. He finally understood that she was nervous that they might not find a way to get Giles back. Of the group she was the only one who actually believed it to be possible that he could come back. Even Willow who was the eternal optimist had accepted that Giles was gone. Buffy always said, "If Angel came back, then I sure as hell can get Giles back!" The fact that none of them knew how Angel returned didn't really seem to be of much significance to her. Xander sighed wondering how much longer they could humor her until she snapped.

*********

The grim mood inside the Sunnydale High School library was practically visible. Anyone who entered would most likely feel the driving you insane crawling up the walls tension. Willow stared at her computer, Oz was actually frowning, Wesley looked like he forgot to iron his pants, Lillie sat on the counter playing with a stick of gum and a cigarette lighter, and even Anya looked melancholy. They resigned to the fact that things are just not meant to return from hell and any information regarding how to do so simply would not be in the public domain.

"Hey guys!! You ready to research?" Buffy's enthusiastic tone was met by a group of blank stares. The smile dropped from her face as she stopped dead in her tracks in front if the research table. "Okay… wh-what's wrong? You guys look like someone just died." Everyone dropped their eyes to the ground at her mention of death. Silence enveloped the room as each person thought of what to say. Not one of them believed that Giles was dead, they did know for a fact that he was very much alive, but it was easier for them to believe he was dead. They didn't want to think about the torture he must be enduring. The rest of the gang was content with visiting the land of denial, but Buffy had taken up permanent residence there and they felt it was time for an eviction notice.

Willow rose from her chair, taking a deep breath, she decided to be the group's spokesperson. "Buffy, we can't do this anymore." "Do what," she said her lower lip trembling slightly. "You know what I'm talking about. It's been a year Buffy, nothings going to change. We've been trying …we really have, but we can't stand to see you like this anymore…"

The look on Buffy's face was pure anguish. Tears were streaming down her face, her lips were trembling, and her teeth were clenched. She was shaking her head "no"; she knew what Willow was going to say next and she didn't want to hear it. "…Giles is gone Buffy. He's GONE. Pretending isn't going to change that. We've looked everywhere possible and we haven't even found a hint…Buffy we think it's time for you to accept the fact that Giles isn't coming back."

"No," when the word left Buffy's lips it was no more than a harsh whisper choked out between sobs. Willow continued firmly yet compassionately. "I know it's hard, but he is gone. Giles is never coming back." Willow would be the first one to admit that she had no clue as to how her best friend would react to hearing their feelings, but she hardly expected to find herself pinned against a wall with a hysterical slayer at her throat screaming through tears. "NOO! He can come back! I can bring him back! I'll bring him back even if it kills me!!"

Xander finally managed to push his friends apart. The sight of Willow gasping for air rubbing her bruised throat caused Buffy to realize what she had done. "Oh god! Willow, I'm s-sorry," a fresh batch of tears sprang forward as Buffy turned and ran from the room. Xander started after her then stopped realizing that it wouldn’t help the situation, instead he turned back to Willow. "Are you okay?" She wiped the tears from her face and reassured everyone that she was fine with a nod. "She's been drinking Will…she didn't mean it." Anya snorted, "Oh please! You don't need to defend her, we all know she's an emotionally disturbed alcoholic." As usual Anya's outburst just earned glares. "What? You were all thinking it to." Oz finally broke his silence, "Actually I was thinking about Willow." She looked at her werewolf boyfriend sweetly, "I'm alright, really I am, but…I'm scared. Guys I think Buffy really did mean it." At that the group began protesting. How on Earth could Willow think Buffy would intentionally hurt her?

"Just hear me out. I really do think Buffy would die to bring Giles back and if things keep going on like they are she's going to kill herself." Willow turned to Wesley with pleading eyes, "I know that we've looked everywhere, but is there anything we could have missed? Anywhere we haven't looked?" Wesley's heart broke for the girl in front of him. She was begging him for something he wasn't sure he could give her. With a sigh he said, "Well, I suppose some of the more ancient texts may have something, but we'll all have to work hard to translate them and even then I don't know how accurate they would be."

"There's still a chance Wes."

"Very well. Umm…there are some in the stacks as well as very delicate volumes in my office.'

"I'll get those." They were the first words Lillie had said since before Buffy had arrived, everyone had forgotten that she was even in the room. Lillie hopped down from her perch on the counter and made her way to the books in the back of Giles old office. After a few minutes had passed Lillie peeked through the blinds to make sure everyone was researching. When she was sure she wouldn’t be interrupted she closed the door and started dialing the overseas number she knew by heart. After a few rings the cultured British voice answered, "Hello." "Yeah, it's Lillie, put Collins on."

***************

Lillie walked up the front path to the Summers home. The others had been so overjoyed that she had found the ritual they didn't even think to ask where she found it. Lillie knew that this encounter wasn't going to be easy, so she braced herself and knocked on the door. An exhausted Joyce answered managing a small smile before saying hello.

"Is Buffy home Mrs. Summers?"

"No. She's probably at the nearest bar…where she spends all of her time these days." Lillie flinched at the hurt in the older woman's voice. "You know I'm losing her. I don’t even know my own daughter anymore Lillie."

"Yeah, I kn…I know and I'm sorry… but I think I may be able to get her back."

Joyce laughed, "How? I don't suppose you're going to bring Giles back from hell." When Lillie just looked at her Joyce stopped laughing. "Oh my god, you are!" "Buffy doesn't know yet." "Well you better go tell her." Lillie nodded and left. Halfway down the path Joyce's voice stopped her. "Thank you!" For the first time since they had met Joyce looked genuinely happy, which is probably why she made a promise she knew would be impossible to keep. "I'll make sure nothing happens to her Joyce. I promise."

**********

The bar was crowded, noisy, smoky, and dark, just the way she liked it. It meant that she would be easily overlooked. No one would bother her and she would be free to enjoy her drink and a cigarette without having to think about anything else. Unfortunately for her the alcohol and nicotine weren't quite doing the trick. The encounter with her friends earlier that morning had sent her spiraling deeper into her depression. She had never stopped believing that there was a way to get him back, but the one constant was her need for the help of her friends. Taking them away left her completely alone. She felt as raw and exposed as if she were sitting in the middle of Times Square naked. That afternoon made one of her worst recurring nightmares come true. For months she had dreamt of Giles and the abuse he must be suffering, every time feeling she was the cause of it. Witnessing a different demon beating and whipping him, looking in more pain than she'd ever seen another living person, the tears in his eyes as they met hers and begged her to save him, and the faces of her friends telling her that she couldn't never failed to awaken her in tears, sobbing so heavily that she would often wake her mother.

Willow once told Buffy that what happened to Giles was not her fault, but she couldn't believe that. Everything that had happened was happening to him because of her. She wanted to be able to save him, to stop his pain. After this morning she was starting to think that the only way she would be able to get to him would be to send herself to hell. That way she could protect him and if their friends couldn't get them back it wouldn't matter because they would be together. It wouldn't be difficult to kill herself. She had a knife in her pocket; a quick slash to the right spot on her wrist would do the trick quite nicely. Her thoughts turned darker as she endeavored to finish the bottle of whiskey, tears watered down her drink and she almost didn’t notice when the barstool next to her squeaked.

"What are you doing here," she said without looking up, she knew it was Lillie and after this morning she was feeling rather defensive. Lillie decided to precede with caution, she knew she was treading on a thin line after all she was facing a depressed, alcoholic, emotionally distraught slayer, whom was at the moment drunk and probably had weapons.

"I was looking for you. Your mom told me to check the nearest bar." Buffy winced at that. The admission that her mother knew what she was doing hurt. For the most part Buffy was in denial, her mother actually had full knowledge of her drinking habits. It wasn't something that she had gone to great pains to hide. She came home drunk on more than one occasion, often woke up with hangovers, and threw up on her mother's rug. Denying any knowledge on Joyce's part let Buffy believe she wasn't hurting her and therefore she didn’t have to deal with anyone else's pain.

"Did you come here to ambush me again?"

"Look Buffy I am not going to justify your friends actions this morning," Buffy gave her a triumphant smile, "and I'm not going to agree with yours either."

"But you don't agree with what they said?" Lillie looked her in the eye lit a cigarette and just nodded. "Why?" In response Lillie reached into her back pocket and handed her the piece of paper. Buffy stared at it blankly before taking it, Lillie's eyes never left her as she skimmed the paper and comprehension dawned. "The ritual of Etnad? Is this what I think it is?"

"Well, if you think it'll bring your watcher back from his lovely vacation spot give yourself 20 bonus points." Buffy smiled a genuine 1000-watt smile. Tears of joy filled her eyes, "How?" "The Council. I called in a few favors. I didn't ask before because you said that you didn't want nor need their help, said you didn't trust them. Let's just say I knew whose buttons to push and leave it at that." Buffy just nodded and stared at Lillie, a myriad of thoughts penetrating her mind. She was torn between wanting to hug her and wanting to hit her. She had after all given them the key to getting Giles back, but the fact that she had known where to look all along was causing her unease and anger. Instead of bringing up her feelings on the situation she decided to focus on Giles. "So where do we start?"

***************

Two weeks had passed since the day at the bar. They had needed the time to call in reinforcements in the form of Cordelia, Angel, and Doyle, gather all the required ingredients, and fully acquaint themselves with the ritual. Wesley had been adamant that everyone learn the ritual forwards and backwards because of the potential dangers although he had never elaborated on what those potential dangers entailed. Everyday that Giles wasn't back caused Buffy to get more and more antsy. She was bouncing off the walls and bore a strong resemblance to Willow after 5 mochachino's. Her nerves were in hyper gear, everything coming down to tonight. Tonight was the night that her dreams could come true, or her worst nightmare. Every fear her subconscious could produce was being brought to the surface. < What if he hates me? What if he hates me for causing this, for not getting him back sooner? What if he's not the same Giles? He…he could be a monster! > That thought caused her the most distress. With everything he had been subjected to it was highly probable. If Giles were a monster Buffy knew that would be the end. She couldn't kill him, no matter what he was because he would always be Giles to her.

Wesley had advised her to be prepared for the worst to which she had said no problem. She never told anyone that she would never kill a monster Giles and if he were, in fact, a monster it would cost her her life and probably the lives of her friends as well. She had enough things on her mind at the moment to think about the implications of her feelings. She was willing to trade her life and the lives of her friends for one glimpse of Giles again. Taking a deep breath she zipped up her bag, kissed her mother, and made her way to the car.

****************

Sunnydale High School carried the most unusual occupants tonight. There was a watcher, a slayer, two vampires, a werewolf, two witches, a former vengeance demon, a half demon, a bartender, and a receptionist. They were all gathered for the same reason, to do a highly dangerous ritual to bring a friend back from hell, nothing too complicated. The only piece to this puzzle that was missing was Buffy. "Let's do this," they all looked up at the sound of her voice and took their places in a circle around the room. It took 30 minutes of chanting when suddenly the room was filled for endless minutes with blinding white light. When the light dissipated the group was afraid to look at what was before them terrified of what they might see. What they did see was the naked form of Rupert Giles. The group just stared at each other, none of them quite sure what to do.

Finally Buffy moved forward shakily looking down at the man who was once her watcher. His head was bowed to the ground; a sheen of sweat covered his trembling body as well as battle scars, some of which looked fairly new. He looked like a frightened animal with nowhere to run. He hadn't looked up yet; maybe that's why he tried to crawl away when she knelt down beside him. She wanted to touch him, but didn't dare risk frightening him more than his current state. She spoke his name in the softest tone imaginable; she sounded like an angel.

It was a voice he knew by heart. He wasn't quite sure what was happening to him, but the voice sounded different. The distance that had been there for a thousand years was gone. As his other senses started to kick in he noticed other tactile changes. He was cold, so very cold. He hadn't been cold in an eternity. He could feel a cold surface beneath him; the dirt and rocky terrain were gone. The smells of sulfur that always burnt his nose and stung his eyes were absent being replaced by the vague scent of vanilla. The scent of ……"Buffy?"

The word was spoken like a prayer from a dying man. The look in his eyes was utter disbelief, disbelief that the woman in front of him wasn't merely an illusion. She smiled reaching a shaking hand out to touch his face, "It's really me. You're home." He let out a soft cry, throwing his arms around her waist as best he could in his weakened state, holding her tightly resting his head in her lap as the tears started to fall. She returned his embrace for the longest time, slowly rubbing his shoulders and neck. He was really there and she was really holding him, the feeling was beyond description. Finally she pulled away; stroking his face she looked into his eyes sweetly seeing the confusion in them. "H-how? How did you…" "I'll explain everything later, but first we," Buffy gestured to the women in the room, "are going to go into the other room to let you dress."

The girls followed Buffy into the office as Xander brought Giles a set of clothing. Giles would have been embarrassed about being naked in front of the girls if it weren't for the disorientation. He couldn't figure out why Spike was here or who the dark haired man in the corner was, but he decided not to ask any questions. Oz, Xander, and Angel helped him up and into his clothes that would have been forgotten if not for Angel. He started to slip on what must have been a pair of Xander's jeans; they were too big to be his, when he stared to stumble. Luckily Angel caught him, helping him lean against a table he informed him that he would feel weak for a few hours. Giles didn't know what to make of any of this. To say he was confused would have been the understatement of the century.

After ten minutes the girls were getting anxious, so they decided to go back into the library hoping that Giles was dressed, but not really minding if he wasn't. Standing in the middle of the room was Giles trying to button a blue shirt. Willow throwing her arms around his neck, joined a few minutes later by Oz, Xander, and Wesley, their weight almost causing him to fall again interrupted his task. When they finally let him go he saw Cordelia. She looked so different, older, more mature. "Cordelia," he nodded in greeting. She responded in the same proper fashion and then he was in her arms as well. She hugged him tightly and placed a kiss on his cheek as she withdrew resuming her normal composure and nodded, "Giles." Then he saw another one, "Anya?" She smiled at him, "Glad you aren't dead." Everyone glared at her. "What?" He almost laughed and then he saw her again, a face he would never erase from his mind. One he had been begging for, praying to see for the longest time and now here she was.

"Buffy." It seemed to be one of the only words he was willing to say. The tears in her eyes mirrored those on his face; slowly she wrapped her arms around his neck while he placed his around her waist resting his forehead on her shoulder. He was so very tired, the temptation to fall asleep like this was overwhelming, but he was afraid that when he'd open his eyes it wouldn't be real. Softly she whispered in his ear, "You're home. You're really home," as much for her reassurance as his. "I'm going to take you home." He held her for the longest time before reluctantly pulling away. "I'd like that." Buffy smiled at him, took his hand and led him out of the school to the Citroen.

*****************

When Buffy unlocked the door to Giles apartment he was overcome with the feelings of how incredibly wonderful it felt to be home. It was also incredibly strange. The image of Buffy driving his car was not one that would leave him anytime soon. Even though nothing had visibly changed in the apartment it all looked and felt brand new. The look on his face could only be described as astonishment. He felt like you do after finding something you stopped looking for ages ago because you were certain it was gone forever. "Would you like some tea," Buffy asked awkwardly. Giles just nodded as he looked around his apartment trying to memorize every inch of it.

Buffy came back with the tea as Giles was running his fingers reverently over the couch, smiling at the familiar feel of it. She handed him the tea as they took a seat on the couch. Sipping the tea Giles commented, "Mmmm! I almost forgot what tea tasted like." She smiled weakly at that. "Where are the others?"

"They're probably at home. They wanted to give us some time alone to talk. There's a lot you should know about."

"How long…have I be-been gone?"

"A year."

"Only a year? It feels rather like an eternity."

"I feel the same way. I really missed you Giles."

"You can't imagine how I've wanted to see your face for so long. How did you manage to…."

"Lillie. She um…called one of your friends at the Council. I don't know the details, but you're here and that's what matters to me."

Giles nodded, "Lillie? She's the slayer you mentioned earlier?"

Buffy nodded again, "Yeah, the girl with the black cherry hair. The blonde girl is Tara; she's a friend of Willow's. You already knew Anya. She came back about two months after you…after the Ascension. She and Xander are dating."

Giles could hardly believe that. "Xander and Anya? Strange. Who was the dark haired man?"

"His name is Doyle. He works with Cordelia and Angel in LA. I just met him tonight."

"And Spike?"

"I don't really know why Spike came back. He showed up about a month after Anya did. He's been helping us out a lot lately. I saved his ass from some demons one night, so he's kinda in debt now. I think he has a crush on me to."

Giles actually laughed at that and it was a sight that brightened her heart. She had some things she wanted to ask him about his experiences in hell, things that she had to know. When she saw him yawn she decided they could wait. "Tired?"

"Yes, extremely."

"Maybe you should get some sleep. My mother wanted us to have lunch with her and the gang tomorrow before Cordelia goes back to LA, that is if you're up to it."

"I think I'd like that." The smile started to leave at the thought that he'd finally gotten her back and now she was leaving again, even if it was only to go home.

"Do you mind if I stay? I just don't want to leave you alone."

"Of course you can stay. You may want to inform your mother…."

"Already did. I wasn't going to take no for an answer."

He smiled again followed by another full-blown yawn. "Okay mister, off to bed with you," Buffy said ushering him off the couch and toward the stairs, "we'll talk in the morning." "Of course," with that he turned to make his way up the stairs when Buffy's gentle hand on his arm stopped him. "I really am glad you're home." He didn’t say anything, but he responded the way he wanted to in case he never got the chance again, he hugged her. For the longest time he just held her, both of them drawing comfort from the embrace for the third time that night. This time when Giles pulled away he wasn't afraid to close his eyes because he knew she would be there when he opened them again. "Goodnight Buffy." "Night." Giles turned again toward the loft as Buffy made her way to the bathroom to get into her pajamas before taking up refuge on the couch.

******

Buffy was in the middle of the most peaceful sleep she'd had in a year when she was awoken by a strange noise. Once she opened her eyes and was closer to consciousness she realized that the noise was coming from Giles. Jumping to her feet she ran up to the loft as fast as she could, almost tripping on the way. When she reached the top she saw Giles thrashing around on the bed, his face looked terrified in his sleep. "Giles," she shook him softly hoping he would calm down. "No, no, no," he kept repeating the words like a mantra, until finally with a hard shake from Buffy and a scream of his name he sat upright still screaming as he awoke.

"Giles," Buffy said moving her hands from his shoulders to his cheeks. For a moment he looked like he didn't recognize her, he looked absolutely horrible. His body was shaking, he was panting so hard that his chest must have hurt from it, and he was sweating so badly that his T-shirt and face were damp where she touched him. His eyes were full of tears, his pupils were so wide that all she could see was darkness; they looked as if they were begging her for something. "Buffy! Oh my god! Buffy!" The tears then started to fall as he rested his forehead against her shoulder, which was soon damp with his anguish. She rubbed his back, neck, and hair soothingly trying to calm him; she'd never seen him so frightened. "Hey…shhhh shhhh you're okay now. Shhhhh. Everything's alright. Shhh shhhh." When his crying didn't subside she slowly scooted him over to the other side of the bed, so she could lay down comfortably, bringing him down with her, he eventually cried himself to sleep in her arms. The scene reminded her of a mother trying to console her child after a traumatic experience. She could, in fact, remember being in similar situations with her own mother. Looking down at his sleeping face in the dark she wondered what had frightened him so. Now that he was clam she decided to go to sleep, but didn’t leave him for fear of him having another nightmare.

When Buffy woke again she was alone in the bed. Giles had awakened to find himself in Buffy's arms lying in his bed. When the memory of what had caused them to be in this situation returned to him his stomach decided it was a good time to empty itself. Once he was in the bathroom he decided that a long hot shower would be absolutely wonderful. Showering had been another thing that he had taken for granted and after not being able to do so for thousands of years, it was in fact a heavenly experience. When the water finally turned cold he stepped out of the spray to dry off and dress.

Buffy was already dressed in her normal clothes when Giles walked into the small kitchen. "Good morning Buffy." "Hi. I made tea," she said holding up the kettle. "Thank you," he took the cup from her and drank hungrily from it. Buffy knew what she wanted to say and she couldn't wait. She took a breath and started carefully. "Giles what was that last night? What happened to you?" He looked at her and swallowed with difficulty, "It wasn't anything to be concerned with Buffy, I just had an extremely bad nightmare." Buffy wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer to this question, but she asked anyway, "A bad nightmare or…or a bad memory?" Giles facial expressions clearly stated that he didn't want to talk about this, but he managed to say, "Both I'm afraid."

"Giles what did…what hap…wh-what did they do to you?"

"I don't want to discuss it."

"But…"

"NO! Please! I can't not…not now. I, I can't. I don't…please just wait Buffy. Please!"

She didn’t want to leave it alone, she knew he needed to talk about it, but the look in his eyes mad her decide to wait for just a little while. "Alright, but we need to talk about this."

"I agree and we will, just give me time."

********

Giles energy level was through the roof! He seemed to want to do as much as he could in one day. He wanted to take a drive, go to the beach, see a show, talk, read a book, and even go shopping with Cordelia, but first they had to get through lunch. Buffy was admittedly surprised that Giles had accepted the invitation, she had thought that he would want to rest, but apparently not.

Buffy and Giles were the last to arrive at Sanfretello's, a fancy Italian restraunt that they had eaten at once before. Willow, Wesley, Lillie, Oz, Cordelia, Xander, Anya, and Joyce were already seated at the table waiting for them looking awkward and anxious. The room lit up when they finally entered; everyone stood to great them except Anya who didn't understand why everyone had suddenly gotten up. He shook hands and gave hugs when appropriate when he reached Joyce the awkwardness that had always been between them was gone. "Hello Mr. Giles. I'm glad you're back." "I appreciate that." "Okay," Xander chimed in, "enough with the pleasantries. Let's EAT!" Lunch went perfectly, the time was spent mostly talking and laughing. Giles had the chance to become acquainted with Lillie and hear her stories from the past and Cordy's adventures in LA. He still couldn't believe that she worked for Angel. Buffy watched him in amazement; she'd never seen him so happy before. When Willow had asked how his night had been they both decided to leave out his nightmare. He looked like he had forgotten all about it, so she decided to leave it alone and join in on the happy conversation unaware of the eyes that were upon her.

Joyce Summers blatantly stared at her daughter. She seemed like a completely different person than she was a few months earlier. She looked happy, she was actually smiling and laughing, something Joyce had started to believe that she was incapable of. Her brain also noted that Buffy had ordered a cherry soda, no alcohol. This was the first time in Joyce didn't know how long that she hadn't seen Buffy drunk. Actually, when she thought about it Buffy hadn't had a drink in about two weeks. She also hadn't been smoking to Joyce's knowledge, just to be sure she fished around in Buffy's purse to look for a mint. Nope, no cigarettes. Joyce detested smoking and she was glad that Buffy had apparently stopped. If only she could get Lillie to quit the habit she knew she had picked up from Buffy. Joyce smiled; she was getting her daughter back. She had despised Giles in the past for taking Buffy away from her, but she knew now that without him Buffy would be completely gone. She was truly grateful that he was back, knowing that things would change for the better now that he was home.

The group finally exited the restaurant still laughing; this is where Joyce decided to leave them.

"I'll see you tonight honey."

"Actually Mom I was going to stay on Giles couch again. I just want to make sure he is really okay."

"Alright, so where are you off to now."

"Oh, Giles wants to go shopping……with Cordelia."

Joyce rolled her eyes, "Yikes!"

"Tell me about it!"

********

It was after midnight when they finally set foot inside Giles apartment. Buffy set down some of the bags on the chair with an exhausted sigh. "Jeez Giles, did you actually buy the whole mall?"

"Not quite, but I was with Cordelia."

"I can tell," she said pulling out a sweater from one of the bags, "you would never shop at Abercrombie." They both laughed at that. "Yes, but I must admit it is rather nice for such a teen oriented store. I adore the color." "Well, gray is so hard to find these days Giles!" "It's not gray, it's charcoal." "You've spent way too much time with Cordelia, quick drink some tea. Hopefully it will make you normal." "Yes, very amusing." He was trying to glare, but his smile wouldn't let him do it effectively.

"You know, you are very perky for a person who has been through what you have." Giles playful tone changed to a slightly sterner one. "Yes, well would you rather I stay locked in my flat all day huddled in a dark corner in the fetal position?"

"Is that what you feel like doing?"

"NO!," he was shouting now, "I feel like getting my bloody life back!"

"Giles you can’t get your life back until you deal with what happened to you!"

"You don't know what happened to me! You couldn’t possibly understand…"

"Then make me understand! Let me in. Tell me what happened, so I can help you."

"Buffy please stop." Even though the look of agony on his face tore at her heart she couldn't let it go.

"NO, Giles! All I want to do is help you. Please! Please talk to me!," he could already see the tears forming in her eyes as they met his again, "Please let me help you!"

He wanted desperately to tell her everything, but he couldn't. He couldn’t tell her already guilty conscience about certain mental forms of torture that were inflicted upon him. She would certainly feel more responsible than she already did, but the ramifications of his true feelings for her, the ones he tried to ignore, would be made quite clear. He couldn't take the possibility of loosing her friendship. He looked back at her pleading eyes, "Buffy, what happened to me was extremely painful and it will remain so for a very long while, but at the moment things are good and I just want to forget about all of the bad for a time, so please just let me have this. When the time comes you will be the only one I will confide in. Alright?"

Buffy sighed her acquiescence. "Alright. I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to be so pushy about it…its just that not a minute went by that I didn’t think about you. And 30 seconds of every minute was spent imagining what you were going through and I worried, I still worry so much about you!" Giles looked at her sweetly, "Thank you for that." An awkward silence fell over them until Giles decided to completely change the subject. "What movie did you bring?"

Buffy smiled quickly, "It's not a movie movie, it's a comedy special."

Giles visibly grimaced; he didn't quite trust Buffy's sense of humor. He looked down at the box and the man on the cover wearing a blue kimono and high heels skeptically, "'Eddie Izzard: Dressed To Kill'?"

"Don't look at me like that! Giles, you'll like him he's British. Besides he reminds me of you!"

"I remind you of a transvestite?"

"Well….yeah you have the same sense of humor."

He laughed again sat down on the couch and patted the seat next to him, "Okay lets watch my alter ego." With that they were in for two hours of comical enjoyment.

**********

Buffy was right the comedian was quite funny and Giles was more than enjoying himself. It felt good to truly laugh again and to see Buffy do the same. Despite his delightment the day's hectic schedule caught up with him and he was asleep before the tapes end.

Buffy was roused from her peaceful sleep against Giles strong shoulder by the noise of painful moaning. She opened her eyes to see Giles lightly thrashing next to her. She sat up and studied his face intently. He looked worried again; there was sweat on his face, his eyelids looked like they hurt to be closed. As she watched him he began thrashing even more, just as she went to wake him he lurched forward letting out a blood-curdling scream. "NOOO!!" Suddenly he was awake with his head resting in his hands panting terribly; he even scurried away when she touched his shoulder. "Hey Giles. Hey it's just me," she said in a breathy whisper trying to calm him. Her fingers reached for his shoulder again, slowly this time. "Now will you tell me?" Giles threw himself against the couch panting hard; he just nodded his agreement.

For hours Giles told Buffy an abridged version of his experiences. He certainly wasn't going to tell her the parts regarding herself, but he did reveal enough to give them both some peace of mind. Buffy spent most of the time listening and the rest apologizing. She still blamed herself for what happened and nothing he could say would change her mind. When they were finally done talking Buffy realized it was 9 in the morning. She decided to get them some breakfast and Giles planed to get some much-needed rest until she returned, but his plan was obstructed by a knock on the door.

"Willow."

"Hi Giles! I just wanted to see how you were doing."

"I'm fine. Please come in."

"Thank you." She entered his apartment taking a seat in the chair as he sat on the couch. "Is Buffy here?"

"No, she actually went to get us some breakfast a few moments before you arrived."

"Oh g-good," Willow squeaked nervously, "cause I actually wanted to talk to you in private."

"Willow, what is it?"

"Well, we missed you and we're glad that you're home…"

"Yes, thank you, so am I."

"But that’s not it. You see…you being gone effected us, but it effected Buffy the most and there's some stuff that happened that I think you should know about, things I didn't think she'd tell you." She waited for him to say something, but when he didn't she just continued. "Buffy kinda….lost it without you being here. In fact she scared the hell out of us. About two and a half weeks ago we were all really unsure what we should do to help her. Without Lillie and Spike here she probably would have gotten herself killed. Buffy just lost it emotionally and mentally; no one has any clue about what was going on in her head. She threatened to kill Angel in front of us, I think she would have done it too. She has scars across her knuckles from where she beat them against the ground after you went through. That night she started crying and I don't think she ever stopped even if the tears weren't actually falling. She had these mood swings where one second she was slamming me against a wall and the next she was crying hysterically. Buffy almost flunked out of school and she started smoking, I'm not completely sure it was just cigarettes, and drinking. Hell, Buffy was an alcoholic. She just stopped caring about everything."

"Why are you telling me this, Willow?"

"Because from the moment she knew that you'd be coming home she changed. She started caring again and she stopped drinking and smoking. She stopped trying to make herself disappear. Now that you're back we have Buffy back, too. Giles I just want you to know how important you are to us, how much we all care about you."

"I know you care Willow, but thank you for telling me."

Willow smiled her sweet, innocent smile. "Well, I should be going."

"Right." He got up to show her out. Before leaving she turned back to him, "Giles now that you are home I think things are gonna change a lot, but in a good way." He just smiled and closed the door behind her. Contemplating what Willow had said he vowed to never let any of them, but mostly Buffy, ever be put in that condition ever again.

NEXT