Title: Ethan
Author: Kate R.
Rating NC-17
Disclaimer: Own nothing and no one used herein.
Pairing: Giles/Ethan eventually. I don't count rape as pairings so even though Ethan has sex with other people, as it's not willing; it's rape and not put in the pairing area.
Summary: What made Ethan Rayne?
Warnings: Rape, Child abuse

Sunnydale Memorial Hospital present day:

Rupert Giles ran into the hospital in a bind panic. Ethan. Dammit, why now? Giles knew something had to be seriously wrong for Ethan to have gone to a hospital and, as much as he claimed to hate Ethan, he would not leave him alone now. Not after the hospital had called because it was Giles' name they found in Ethan's wallet.

Giles ran into Ethan's room where he found Ethan laying on the bed. He looked so terribly sick and pale just lying there on that bed. What had happened? Giles wondered to make his indomitable friend so ill. He slowly approached the bed and looked down at Ethan's face. He looked like his life was literally draining away.

"Time," the man on the bed, whispered. "Real soon...promised."

"What?" Giles demanded.

Something told him Ethan didn't know he was there. He was trapped and dreaming in this fevered delirium. Dreaming, Remembering. But remembering what exactly?

Watcher's Compound 1963

He was cold. He would always be cold and he knew that. It felt wrong this time though. The pain was worse now. The-Man-Who-Fed-Him would be there soon for him. He'd been told this morning they had something special in store for him. Something where his worthless life would be used to make their important lives better. He was afraid of whatever it was and he did not know why.

"ETHAN! Wake up boy!" The Man said kicking the front of his cage. His cage. It was all he'd known in his short, 5 years of life. He'd never slept on a bed even though The Man told him about what normal children who had worth got to have in their lives. Ethan sighed as he crawled out of the cage. The Man grabbed him and dragged him up to and attic in this place. Ethan felt cold biting through his thin clothes as he was roughly dragged over to a table like thing. He knew what those were as he'd bent over one and beaten black and blue a few times. He was lifted roughly and slammed down on it and the wind was knocked out of him.

"Now, hold still Ethan," The Man said. Ethan felt cold fear running through him as his shirt was removed and The Man traced symbols on his chest.

"Bring the Dagger," The man said. Ethan trembled when the dagger was laid blade up on his chest. The man spoke an incantation that raised the hairs on Ethan's neck and he felt an agonizing, biting pain as the dagger merged into his flesh. Immediately, Ethan felt pain and darkness swallowing him. Oh, god it hurt. The pain built until he felt himself blacking out. He heard a voice cry out as the darkness claimed him but it was so far away. He never realized it was his own. He so rarely spoke he didn't know the sound of his own voice.

He woke up back in his cage, his chest burned and hurt and The Man told him it would only get worse so to enjoy it being nice for a while. Ethan didn't understand. What was he? If he wasn't a person, even though he looked like one, what was he? The Man had told him so often that he wasn't a person and so had no rights or freedoms that other people did. But then what was he? His mother and father had been people. But he wasn't. Ethan sighed and lay back, learning to block out the pain. It would take practice. He was five and he already knew he'd have a lot of pain to block out of his life.

He didn't know what the Dagger was, but he knew it had done something to change everything he could be into the only thing he would be.

He had sat by Ethan's bed everyday for the last three. He had yet to call and tell Buffy and the others where he was. He did not want to deal with the crap he knew he would be given to him about it. How could he explain to them that he loved Ethan? Had loved Ethan for years. Giles sighed, no point in arguing with them. Buffy would be cheering for this, Xander would likely say 'Pull the plug, better off with him dead anyway.' Giles loved the children, but he wouldn't let them decry Ethan. He knew Ethan hadn't always been like this...

"Rip...per..." was moaned from the bed. Giles turned his attention to the bed so he did not see Willow standing in the doorway in her candy-stripe uniform. Willow saw him though. And she saw the man on the bed.

"I'm here Ethan," she heard Giles sooth. "I'm right here. I swear I'm not going to go anywhere."

Willow went and got Giles some tea and then sat next to him. He would notice her soon, she knew. Giles seemed totally focused on Ethan and whatever he was dreaming. Almost like he could hear the dreams from Ethan's tormented mind.

Watcher's Compound: 1966

"Ethan, goddammit!" The Man yelled. Ethan sat up wondering what he'd done now. The man reached into his cage and dragged him out by the neck.

"I told you to get up an hour ago. Arthur Giles is bringing his son Rupert over. He saw you the other night at the meeting when I had you serving drinks. He thinks his son could use someone to play with. Why he wants you I will never know. Listen to me well Ethan. You have room to play in when Rupert id here. It looks like a bedroom but don't you dare sleep on the bed. Do you understand me?"

"Y-yes s-sir." Ethan spoke in his whisper voice. Never speak loudly to the man. "I--I w-wont t-touch the-the b-b-bed." The blow to his back as he came out of the cage was a strong warning. He wouldn't disobey. He'd never disobey. He'd be a good boy. He was a good boy. He tried to be a good boy.

Ethan felt himself shoved against the wall hard and the pain in his chest increased suddenly.

"Remember Ethan. That dagger is your shame. If you were a real person, it would not have been doable. So just you remember, when you think of playing at being real, you aren't and you never will be. Not until the dagger is removed." The man dragged him upstairs where there were clothes laid out on the chair for him and he was shoved into a bathroom.

"Get cleaned up and changed. And Ethan, don't roll your sleeves up, understand?"

"Yes sir," Ethan whispered. He was showered and dressed in record time. He was sitting on the floor when a dark haired boy with glasses was led into the room. Ethan looked at this 'Real person' to see if he could see nay real differences. Nope, they looked like the same species. What was Ethan? He wondered as the boy flopped on the bed. Ethan sighed and got some of the game...things out. He didn't know how to play any of them but he had to get them out.

"Name's Rupert," Arthur Giles' son said. "Call me that and I'll thump you."

"Okay," Ethan said softly. What do you want me to call you?"

"Hmmm," Rupert Giles said. "You can call me...Ripper."

"Ripper," Ethan repeated. Ripper seemed okay enough. He played tag with Ethan, after teaching him how. And he didn't laugh at him. Ethan was sad when he left and slowly walked back to his cage after changing back into his own clothes. His cage that was all he knew as living space.

Giles?" Willow said as he finally noticed her. He got a protective/Defensive look on his face and Willow backed up.

"I'm not going to hurt him you know, Giles. What's wrong?" she asked. Giles looked at her and shook his head helplessly.

"They don't know. And it's only getting worse for him. He's been here for a while but I didn't come when he first called for me. I didn't come. Too much pride and I wanted him to hurt. Damn, I think he would have told me if I'd come. I didn't come until the doctors called me on the phone. When he slid into the delirium. He hasn't woken up since."

"Oh...Giles, what's that mark on his chest? I saw the top of it when we were fighting Ehgyon. What is it?"

"He never told me," Giles whispered. Travers' father and the man himself knew though. I have this horrible feeling they put it there. I took Ethan and ran away at 18. I destroyed his cage. Took his hand and ran. We didn't stop running until we were in the city."

"When did you meet him Giles?" Willow asked as she made herself comfortable. Giles looked like he needed a friend right then and Angel wouldn't be up for hours yet.

"I was 9. A year older than Ethan was. I think. Ethan thinks he was about 8 when he met me."

"He doesn't know?" Willow asked. Giles shook his head.

"Anyway, I remember asking my father if I could play with the quiet boy again and father said he's arrange it."

"Birthday, Ripper?" Ethan questioned from the bed, still delirious.

Watcher's Compound 1967

"Hey, Ethan, guess what?" Ripper called as ran into the playroom. Ethan looked up from where he was sitting against the wall. The wall was blessedly cool on his stinging back.

"What Rip?" he asked without whimpering. He'd been punished but he didn't know why.

"I'm ten today. It's my birthday," Ripper said happily. Ethan managed a smile.

"Not staying today huh?" he asked. Ripper flopped down on the floor next to him.

"Actually, I am. I start training tomorrow so I get to be here more often. When I have time, we can play," Ripper said. Ethan sighed and nodded knowing soon Ripper would be told about him and how he wasn't real and not a person but a thing. Maybe Rip would still play with him though.

"Gonna teach you to read today," Ripper said. He'd been horrified when he found out Ethan couldn't and had decided to teach him. Ethan nodded and sat still against the wall.

"We're gonna have great fun Ethan," Ripper said as he pulled his old school books out. I'm gonna make this much more fun that my teachers ever did."

Ethan nodded and sat, waiting for Ripper to start. He wanted to learn to read and The Man said he could if Ripper felt like teaching him so he'd asked quietly to learn and Ripper seemed happy Ethan wanted him to be his teacher.

"This is the letter 'A'" Ripper said, "It makes a sound like Ah."

Ethan carefully repeated it and copied the letter on his paper. Ripper said he had to learn to write too so Ethan decided it had to be important. He paid close attention and soon forgot about the pain in his back. He was tired though and he knew Ripper would be eating lunch soon so he'd be able to rest while that was going on.

"I'm having a birthday party tonight too Ethan, you wanna come?" Ripper asked. Ethan sighed and nodded but knew he wouldn't be allowed. It was nice to be invited though.

"Sure Rip," he said softly. "If I'm allowed I'll come but I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you," Ethan said.

"Is something wrong Eth?" Ripper asked. Ethan shook his head but he was beginning to realize Ripper would know if he were lying.

"I, my guardian doesn't let me go out a lot," he managed to say. Lame as excuses went but what else could he do.

"My dad said if I wanted you to come he'd arrange it," Ripper told him. "You'll spend the night of course."

"Uh...yeah Rip," Ethan said now knowing why he had been punished. Ripper's dad must have told them Ethan was coming with them.

"So, you gotta get your jacket cause we're leaving right after lunch."

"Oh, okay," Ethan, said as he followed Ripper down to the kitchen. He got no choice in this as Ripper was basically pulling him along.

Once in the kitchen, Ethan sat quietly and ate the half sandwich he was given.

"Wouldn't want to spoil his appetite for dinner. Ethan doesn't eat much," The Man told Ripper and his father. Ethan seemed to shrink in on himself then but kept his mouth shut. When the time came to leave, he followed Ripper quietly setting himself up for more torment in his life. This would be yet another thing he could watch but not have himself. Oh, well. It made The Rip happy.

Giles sat by the hospital bed waiting for Willow. He'd come to a decision and he would need her, Spike, Angel and Xander's help to get things ready. Mrs. Summers was already helping. She'd gone to get bed linens and such for him to sleep on the couch on.

"Hey Giles," Willow said as she came. She noticed Ethan was no longer hooked to the machines and looked at Giles. "Is he getting better?"

"No," Giles said. "I've decided to take him home with me. The doctors can't do anything for him and I think he'd be more comfortable on a real bed. Something he never had as a child. I did the best I could when we ran away."

"Why did you run away Giles?" Willow asked. Giles sighed as he lifted Ethan into his arms and carried him out to his car.

"I found out the truth about him. About what they did to him and how they abused him on a daily basis. Another day and I would have been the same way to him despite playing with him everyday for nearly ten years. I couldn't bring myself to do it so that night, the night before I would have become a full Watcher, I found Ethan's cage, went down to it, broke it open and took him. He was so shocked. Like he expected me to hate now or something."

Watcher's Council 1976

Rupert Giles looked over the oaths he'd be taking in a few hours. He couldn't do it. He couldn't do it not because he didn't want his destiny although that was a part of it. No, he couldn't bring himself to do it because of Ethan. In a few hours, if he went through with this, he would become as cold and heartless to Ethan as everyone else in the compound. He simply couldn't do it. He cared about Ethan. And now that he fully understood, he would not do this to him.

Giles cursed Quentin Travers and his father for what they'd den. Them and the entire council. Ethan had been little more than a baby and still they had done this thing to him. Giles swore to himself that he would find a way to undo it and save Ethan. If what he read were right, Ethan would not live to 45. That was just plain evil too Rupert 'Ripper' Giles.

Sighing, he made his decision. Ripper very quietly made his way down to Ethan's cage. A kennel cage now, almost a jail cell, and looked at the door. He was strong in magic, powerful actually. But if he used that, the wards would set an alarm off. So, Ripper very simply punched the lock, hard. It shattered and woke Ethan who looked at him bewildered.

"Come on mate," Giles said allowing his accent to get rougher. "We're leaving."

Ethan looked at him amazed and stared dumbly until Ripper pulled him to his feet and ran, pulling Ethan behind him. Ethan was still amazed when Ripper punched several members of the Council, one whom he recognized as Rupert's own father as he pulled Ethan behind him, out the door and into the woods heading for London.

"Where are we going Ripper?" Ethan asked as they sat in the back of a lorry. Ripper wrapped his coat around the both of them and held Ethan against his chest.

'To the city. To London. I'll take care of you now Ethan," he said. "I promise."

"I promise," Giles, whispered to him as he got Ethan settled on his bed. Willow had gone to the others, Xander, Spike and Angel, to get their help in researching the dagger and if there was any way to remove it from Ethan's soul before is solidified inside of his chest and slashed his heart and lungs to pieces.

"I'm sorry, love," Giles, whispered. "I'll do better this time, I swear. I WILL take care of you now. I wont forget again."

"Hey, G-Man!" Xander called as he followed Willow in to Giles' apartment.

"Hush," Giles said quietly as he came down the stairs. "You'll wake him."

"Wake who Rupert?" Angel asked as he and Spike came in.

"Ethan," Giles said quietly as he began to get books down for them all to look through. "I need your help to research the Dagger of Kah-Lin. I need to know if there is a way to remove it once it's been placed inside of someone.

"Someone used that thing on someone else?" Angel asked in astonishment as he picked up a book and began to read. Giles nodded sadly and sat down.

"Yes. On Ethan. My own father helped them do it. He didn't use the Dagger's pull himself but he allowed it to be done and he ignored what happened to Ethan because of it. He never even had a chance," Giles whispered.

"To cause even more trouble?" Xander asked before he thought. Angel growled and answered before Giles could snap. He could see the stress in the older looking man.

"Xander," Angel said quietly, not seeing Buffy come in. "If The Dagger of Kah-Lin was placed inside of Ethan's soul, he never had a chance to be anything but a mass of unresolved Chaos and darkness. And it isn't even his that swirls and rips through him. It's the darkness of the people who placed the dagger within him. If Giles is right, Ethan Rayne was damned long before Giles ever met him. He had no choice in what he became."

"Why not?" Buffy asked as she watched Angel spin on his heel and almost fall. "Explain this one to me Angel. So I can help you guys lick it."

"You want to help?" Giles asked as he realized Buffy was indeed relaxed.

"I can be a selfish bitch sometimes Giles. But---when Willow told me you had been at the hospital with a friend I got to thinking. You must care about him. You have to care or you would have killed him yourself. So, who is Ethan Rayne?" she asked as she flopped on the couch and grabbed a book. Being guyless herself right now, she had no place to be. Her father wanted her to spend Christmas with him but she couldn't leave the Hell-Mouth and he wouldn't come here. And besides, this was obviously of family type importance for Giles to ask for help.

"Ethan Rayne is a badly abused man/child Buffy," Giles said quietly. "Thanks to Travers and his father, Ethan spent his entire childhood in a cage. He was living in a cage when I broke him out of it. That's why I ran away. I was never supposed to know---never supposed to see the rapes and the bruises. They left a mark on him though. Ethan was raped and beaten form the time he was I think 4. It was occurring long before he was ten. Ethan---Ethan was told over and over that he wasn't real. That he didn't have any humanity. If he doesn't it's because of them. It wasn't his fault with Ehgyon. It was mine. I summoned the demon. I asked him to channel it when I knew he wasn't feeling well. I never should have done that. My damn father and the rest of the bastards in the council---they were forcing their darkness into Ethan through that dagger and it weakened him. He lost control. It was my fault. Not his."

"It was an accident Giles. How---why did they do it. Why place the dagger in him? Why is he a Chaos Sorcerer?"

"The Dagger of Kah-Lin is like a lightening Rod for dark and negative energy. Placed in a vessel, a human child not yet past its fifth year, the people who place the dagger can direct all the darkness and negativity of themselves into the vessel. All the darkness we've seen, all the spells he's cast, they are the blow off of the darkness before it goes insane," the answer came from Angel not Giles. Giles nodded though.

"He is Chaos Sorcerer because I could find no other magic to stabilize him when we got to London. I was worried more about food and clothes and shelter and I got them all, and a gang, with my magic and strength. I got Ethan situated and then started working on a balance for him. If my father hadn't influenced the spell, I may have been able to ask a demon for the boon of Ethan's life. Asked them to remove the dagger. As it is, now, thanks to me running from him after Ehgyon, which I still don't understand why I did, he has until Christmas day to live. Unless we can find a way to remove the dagger. It will become solid in the half second between Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Ethan will die if we can't find a way to remove it. I---I don't want to lose him."

"You wont Giles," Angel said from Willow's side.

"Yeah," Xander said. "We'll find the way G-Man. We always do."

Willow nodded her affirmation as did Spike. Giles looked at Buffy last. She smiled at him gently.

"We will fix this Giles. We'll save him. You love him so he's important."

Giles stared at her stunned. How did she know? He hadn't known himself until he had kissed Ethan that first time. After that, he and Ethan made love every night, holding each other from the darkness.

London 1977:

"You're so good Ethan," Ripper said after a bout of lovemaking. Together for almost five months and Ripper was still in awe. Ethan was a damn good lover. If he could just get rid of this complex where he thought his own pleasure didn't matter. It did to Ripper. Ripper sighed as he held Ethan against him on their mattress. Ethan loved it and Ripper knew it was because this was Ethan's first almost bed.

Ripper---yeah, Rupert Giles was gone, dead thanks to the council's treatment of Ethan. Now there was just Ripper. And Ripper would save his best friend form the hell he'd have suffered. No matter what the cost. He sat up, holding Ethan through another bad dream and just rocked him, gently and easily. His love. His Ethan.

"The Son of a Bitch made me forget," Giles said to himself as he remembered that, He was going to murder someone after they saved Ethan. He was going to let Ripper out. Become Ripper again for this outrage.

"Damn you father," Giles snarled quietly. "I'll fucking kill you for this."

Xander, standing next to him, felt a chill over his body at Giles' softly spoken words. He didn't have any pity for the people Giles was going to kill, not after seeing Ethan, but he was worried about how big the mess would be.

Christmas Eve, 6:00 P.M.

Giles sat by the bed hugging Ethan. They both knew he was dying. He'd woken that morning weak and tired and he'd just hugged Rupert Giles. He'd always loved his Ripper. He always would. But time seemed to have other things in mind for him. Ethan had known he was dying when he checked himself int the hospital. He'd never thought to wake in Ripper's bed though. He'd thought he'd spend his last day alone in the hospital. He didn't want to be alone but he had no one to go to. Then he'd woken up here. In Ripper's bed, in Ripper's arms. He was weak but he wasn't going to let go this time. Not until he had to.

"We're gonna save you luv," Giles said as he hugged him. Ethan shook his head. He'd resigned himself to death months ago. When he'd first felt the dagger starting to cut him.

"It's past too late for me, Rip," Ethan said. "There is no one who cares enough to find the answer. No one who loves me enough. Besides, you should be happy, one enemy gone and no more shame at calling someone who wasn't really a person your best friend."

"Ethan, you are real. You are a person. Damn them for telling you that you weren't."

"Couldn't have done this to me if I wasn't real Ripper. Couldn't have---told me so."

"Angel says they are full of shit if they did," Giles said as he rocked Ethan gently. Six hours left. Six hours to hold the one he loved tightly in his arms. Not enough time but it was all they had left.

"I was going to ask the demon we summoned to grant your life Eth," Giles said in a slightly rougher accent. "My father and the others influenced the spell. Made me run from you afterwards. It was my fault luv, not yours. We're trying to find out how to remove the dagger Ethan. If we can do that, we can save you and make sure they never do this again."

"Sorry, can't help Rip. Can we go downstairs though? For a little bit? It sounds like so much fun right now."

"Yeah, I'll take you downstairs luv. Hang on," Giles said as he gently lifted Ethan. Ethan felt exhausted but he wanted to be with people. Ethan hated to be alone when he felt this way, and as he was dying, he really didn't want to be alone.

"Hi Ethan," Buffy said as Giles set him on the couch. Ethan gave a weak smile and lay against Giles as he picked a book up.

"We're going to stay right here with you luv," Giles said. He could tell Ethan was afraid. He always could.

"I got it!" Xander exclaimed three hours later. "I found it! It says the opposite of the Spell's intent can reverse it--- Uhm--if we knew how the spell was cast---"

"With hate," Ethan said softly. He was feeling weaker and weaker now but he wanted to stay near everyone around him. "Was done with hate for me. Tired Rip," Ethan said, using the shortened version of Ripper. "I'm so tired."

"I know luv," Ripper Giles stated quietly. Just a little while longer and the pain will be gone---One way or another."

Ethan nodded and rested against Ripper. He hurt but it would end soon. Angel stood and touched his face.

"Love is the counter Giles," Angel said softly. "You have to love the knife out of him."

"I do love him Angel. I love him so much."

"Do you love him enough to reach into his soul and pull the dagger? If you do, Willow could do the spell now and you could remove it."

Giles looked at Angel and he nodded decisively. Willow immediately began to prep but Ethan's heart began to slow.

"Hurry it up," Ripper almost snarled. "Ethan, Ethan please, don't leave me luv. Please don't do this. Don't go."

"We're ready Giles," Willow called. Giles stepped into the circle holding Ethan tightly as the spell began. He felt a pull to love Ethan physically as well as with his heart and mind and began to make love to him.

"Come on, let this work," Giles thought over and over as he felt the spell magic building. He saw the outline of the knife handle and grabbed it. It felt solid in his hands.

"Come on Ethan. Hold on." Giles muttered as he locked his mouth against Ethan's, kissing him with all his soul as he pulled the knife out. Ethan's body twisted and spasmodic badly as the knife was removed and he felt Ethan screaming into his mouth. Screaming like he'd never been allowed to.

/Let it out, Luv, / Giles said into Ethan's mind. /Scream into me. /

Ethan exhausted himself screaming and Giles looked up. The clock said 12:04. Ethan would live. In his hand was the dagger of Kah-Lin. He was going to kill his father for this. Soon.

Epilogue:

Giles stood at the foot of his bed just watching Ethan sleep. His beautiful one was resting and for the first time in forever, Giles knew the dreams were peaceful and bright. Giles smiled, pleased with himself and his young protégés. They'd all done so well in helping him to save His Ethan. Now Ripper had to ensure His Ethan stayed safe. He was looking in a trunk at the foot of the bed and pulling clothes out of it. He'd asked Angel to go find him copies of these clothes for everyone in their group including himself and Ethan. The Flannels could be different colors as could the t-shirts but the style had to be the same. Likewise the leather jackets and boots. Ripper had a new gang now. His new gang was strong, each contributing something different but something needed all the same. Each was alike in one way but unique in every other. Ripper's new gang was better than his old one, that's why the matching clothes in cut. He wanted a way to identify them as a gang, a team, but still be unique.

He'd asked Angel to get Ethan clothes as well and given him the leaner man's size. Ethan was part of this gang; a merge of his old life and his new one required it. Not to mention the fact that he loved Ethan madly and would kill to protect him. That's what he was doing now. He was going to protect Ethan. He had a promise to keep. They' be leaving after Christmas, the Council would fall by the New Year.

In his mind Ripper could swear he heard Ethan's voice, younger, almost child-like "You'll always be there for me, right Rip?"

"Always Ethan," the elder Ripper now whispered as he lay on the bed next to his beloved.

"You'll always love too? Right? Even if no one else does?" That one had been desperate.

"Always love," Ripper said again as he pulled Ethan into his arms.

"Always and Forever, my Ethan."

Downstairs in Giles' apartment, the members of the Scooby-Gang were now looking at the clothes Angel had brought in their sizes and colors. Buffy looked up the steps knowing why Giles had asked Angel to get these clothes and smiled. He was making them into a real team and family. She was proud to be a part of it. Even her mother and little sister Dawn had been included in Giles' Gang. She smiled happily. Her Family---

"Everyone like his or her colors?" Giles asked as he came down the steps a few hours later. Everyone nodded. Spike was Black of course and Angel was White.

"Good. We're takin' the Council down on New Years Eve then. We leave tomorrow."

"Giles," Buffy began. "Are we really going to do this?"

"Yeah Buffy," Giles said in a rougher accent than he normally spoke with. "But, my dear, call me Ripper."

END

RIPPER'S JUSTICE (sequel)