Title: The Fire
Author: Kate R.
Rating: PG-13 for M/M pairing
Pairings: G/E
Summary: Giles remembers something with the help of a song.
Disclaimer: Characters are Joss'. Lyrics are Garth Brooks'. I own none of them and I make no money off this.

Giles was sitting in his office when he heard the song the first time. Xander was playing it and it struck a chord in him. It was apparently on repeat because as soon as it ended, it started again. And its message hit him with the force of a wrecking ball. The person who wrote this song really understood about life. The lyrics were true and it hit Giles so hard. It was so him and Ethan. It suited the two of them perfectly.
"We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned."

Giles sat, thinking that section was him. It was so him. He refused to open his heart for anyone. Afraid of being loved, afraid of giving love. Giles had not let anyone since Ethan. His heart had healed and the scars had been removed by the council's teachings and so he no longer worried about it. He had sworn never to open his heart again for fear of the tables of love being turned on him.
"We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flames
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burned."

This verse was Ethan, he heard. Always dancing in the flames. Ethan had never been able to stay out of them. Ethan always chanced sorrow and he never feared shame. He had told Ripper that getting burned was a way to know you were alive. Ethan loved to dance in the flames. It was if he were a moth and those flames attracted him, even if he got burned a lot. It was as if Ethan could not stay away from them. He would dance in them forever. Ethan was always good at The Dance.

"But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire 'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire."

Consumed by desire. Yes, that was him. Ever since he'd opened his heart for these children, he'd been flooded by memories of the last time he'd cared for someone. He was tough with himself telling himself that to touch Ethan again would burn worse than going back to the council had.

"We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will ever take the fall."

This verse was him again. Strong. Yeah, right. He snorted. Strong and alone and seemingly able to handle it. To get by. What crap. He was drowning in loneliness. He was good old, reliable Giles who would take care of everyone else and never mind what he wanted or needed. Giles just sighed as he thought on that. He was always the one to take the fall for everyone else and go on his own, alone. Always alone.

"We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all."

They were at Ethan again. Considered weak but he was not. He seemed to be unable to give up on the chance of love existing somewhere. Ethan was someone who lived for feelings. He never thought about things in a cold clinical way. For Ethan, it was what he felt about something that dictated what he did in a given situation.

"They're so hell-bent on giving, walking a wire Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire."

That too, was Ethan. Hell-bent on giving everything that he ahd to a particular cause. Ethan was always walking a wire in his life. He ahd been born on that wire and gods willing, he'd once told Giles, he would die on it. Otherwise, he would have forgotten how to feel anything and for Ethan Rayne, that just would not do.

"Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire."

'Standing outside the fire.' Giles thought. How true it was. He was standing outside the fire. He was not really trying life. He was surviving it but it was such a hollow life. And oh, how he hated it. He hated it with every fiber of his being. So, why was he denying his heart what it wanted? 'Because I'm a sodding coward,' Giles thought to himself. 'I'm a bloody coward. That's why I deny myself life.'

"There's this love that it is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide
Standing outside
The Fire."

He sat and he thought and he felt like a total moron. There was love in his heart. And it burned like a bonfire. He'd just ignored it for so long he'd forgotten it was there. And whenever it tried to burn out of control, he'd stamp it down. And it tried constantly to burn high and hot. Giles made his choice as he looked at two pictures. One of Ethan and one of his father. Giles let go. He let the fire burn. He couldn't abide not being in the fire anymore.

"Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire."

Giles sat and thought. 'Standing outside the fire? No, never again. Rupert Giles was being burned away. The good little watcher who never questioned anyone was being burned away from the real person. There had only ever been one real person in there. Only one. And he had not lived in 20 years. He had stood outside the fire and missed so much. And he was determined to make up for it now. He picked up the phone in his office and dialed a number that he knew by heart but had not called before now. The last refrain of the song played as he waited for the phone to be picked up.

"Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire."

Finally, there was an answer and Giles froze for a moment as he heard the last two lines of the refrain again.
"Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire."

"Hallo, Ethan," he said finally. "I miss you. I-I love you." He whispered the last and was shocked when he heard just as quietly over the phone:
"I love you too."

END