Title: Forever
Author: Kim
Email: lawyergirl152003@yahoo.com
Written: February 13, 2004
Pairing: None
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Through The Gift
Summary: Giles explores his feelings about Buffy's death.
Distribution: ODD, GRB, and sundry others. If anyone else wants it I'd be flattered beyond belief.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. They belong to Joss, ME, Fox etc. Although I'm sure they have more fun in my world. Highlander belongs to Greg Widen, 20th Century Fox, and EMI Films. Who Wants to Live Forever belongs to Queen.
Feedback: Constructive criticism craved; please don't make me beg.
Warning: Angst ahead. I have been told this may deserve a tissue alert.

Thanks: To Jen for pulling me through this one.

This is in response to Gileswench's Monday Mini Challenge #10. I had to write another one so I could get another requirement. I'm greedy that way.

**movie dialogue []song lyrics

It was over. The boxes were packed and stacked around the flat, awaiting the movers tomorrow. Giles lay on the couch in his flat, an arm thrown over his eyes and a glass of scotch held in the hand that dangled near the floor. He listened to the movie playing on the television. He had seen it enough times during their movie nights that he didn't have to watch to know what was happening on the screen. He wasn't sure why he was watching the movie, it was an impulse purchase that day. It only reminded him of her. But, in a way, he took a perverse pleasure in the pain; sort of like worrying at a tooth that needed filling. The sharp spikes of pain were almost welcome in comparison to the dull ache that now accompanied his days.

As movies went, it was a fairly decent one, even if Christopher Lambert's Scottish accent was abominable. Each time they rented the movie, Buffy's renewed her interest in sword work. For the next week, she would insist on patrolling with a sword and would only decapitate the vampires. He didn't mind, because it increased her skill. Xander's insistence, however, on pronouncing "there can be only one" following each beheading did get a little tiresome.

Thoughts of her forced a groan from his lips, "Buffy." Her name conjured newer memories, visions of a tower and the awful moments when he watched her jump to her death. And, he'd never told her he loved her; a regret he would carry with him forever.

He cursed himself. Why did his last purchase before leaving Sunnydale have to be this movie? To torture himself because she had loved it? As a remembrance of happier times with those he now considered his family? He didn't know. All he did know was that he would sell his soul to see her roll her eyes one more time when he reminded her that creatures of the night didn't observe the niceties of formal dueling.

Onscreen, Sean Connery's Ramirez and Lambert's MacLeod were watching Heather walk in the market. Ramirez was lamenting his lost loves and encouraging MacLeod to avoid the same pain.

*****
"When Shakiko died, I was shattered. I would save you that pain. Please, let Heather go."

"She's my wife, man. I love her," MacLeod protested.

"Then you will cause yourself great anguish. I buried Shakiko with my own hands. I had to go on, never again to hear the sound of her voice, her laughter. She left behind such a silence."
*****

He knew exactly how Ramirez felt. Now, he understood the Council's mandate to remain emotionally aloof from one's Slayer. A lovely theory, but he never stood a chance with Buffy. She was so vivacious, so alive. She pulled him in, and he fell in love with her. And now she was dead. He had buried her. And like Ramirez, he would never get to hear the sound of her voice, or her laughter again.

Music from the screen broke through his thoughts a little while later. MacLeod stood on a hill looking at Heather's grave. The haunting song captured Giles' feelings exactly. `Freddie Mercury was a bloody genius,' he thought as he brought the glass to his lips.

[There's no time for us
There's no place for us
What is this thing that builds our dreams
yet slips away from us
Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?]

It was a silly conceit. At this moment, Giles felt he might as well be an immortal like those in the film. Compared to Buffy, the length of his years stretched out an immeasurable distance in the future. He should have known better than to fall in love with her. Slayers rarely lasted for more than a few years. But, Buffy hadn't been just any Slayer. She had been *his* Slayer. Now, without Buffy, the eternity before him didn't seem bearable.

[There's no chance for us
It's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us
Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?
Who dares to love forever?
When love must die]

Five years. Five years out of a lifetime was the small allotment he had been given to spend with Buffy Summers. He sometimes thought the pain of losing her would choke him. At night he awoke in a cold sweat, her name a scream on his lips, begging her not to jump, not to leave him.

[But touch my tears with your lips
Touch my world with your fingertips
And we can have forever
And we can love forever
Forever is our today
Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?
Forever is our today]

They had never shared a moment that could last him forever. Because he had never told her he loved her, had never given her the chance to say yes or no. Dawn's voice, relaying Buffy's last message to him, cut into his soul.

*****
"Giles ... tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I'm okay.
*****

She was okay. He snorted derisively into his glass, before taking a deep draught. But, he wasn't and probably never would be again, because his heart had fallen off that damned tower with her.

And now, all he had was forever without her.

[Who waits forever anyway?]

He would. He would wait until he saw her again, whether it be heaven, hell or somewhere in between. Forever couldn't arrive soon enough.

~Fin~