Title: Never Leave Me 1/2
Author: Kim
Email: lawyergirl152003@yahoo.com
Written: May 2004
Pairing: Buffy/Giles
Rating: NC-17
Summary: What might have happened if Giles had followed Buffy into her bedroom at the end of Lies My Parents Told Me
Distribution: Allthejellies; ODD; GRB; Tweedy; WatcherGirls; BGZone; GN; anyone else who wants it, just let me know.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. They belong to Joss, ME, Fox etc. Although I'm sure they have more fun in my world. Beginning lines of dialogue are from the episode transcript found at buffyworld.com
Feedback: Constructive criticism is desperately wanted; although if you just want to tell me you liked it, I’d love to hear from you.
Thanks: First to Jen for letting me bounce ideas off of her, I’m sure sometimes I make her want to pull her hair out. An enormous thanks to Phen and ElizaBuffy for the beta. I truly believe that you have elevated this story tremendously. I am eternally grateful to both of you for your insightful comments all the way through.

A/N: This story was written for the angstathon at the LiveJournal allthejellies. I was the lucky recipient of WickedFox’s requests, which are as follows:
Takes place right after the final closing-the-door-in-Giles-face scene in Lies My Parents Told Me; Giles busting through the door to Buffy's bedroom; and believable NC-17 smoochies. She also requested no Spike bashing. I have tried to keep it to a minimum, but I found it impossible not to mention Spike given that the whole episode centered around him (and Giles had just helped try to kill him).

WARNING: This is a VERY Dark Story. Violent Sex with D/S and S/M overtones. Angst abounds.

Buffy stood blocking the entrance to her bedroom as she talked to Giles.

“Buffy…I - I understand your anger. Please believe me, we did what we…”

“He’s alive,” she said, refusing to meet his eyes. “Spike’s alive. Wood failed.”

“Well that doesn’t change anything. What I told you is still true. You need to learn…”

“No,” she said, finally looking him square in the eye. “I think you’ve taught me everything I need to know.” With that, she closed the door in his face.

Giles stood stock-still for a moment. Buffy had closed him out of her life in the metaphorical sense many times during their relationship, but never had she done it with such deliberateness. He contemplated, for a few seconds, walking away as he had so many times in the past. Suddenly, however, it was all too much. The last year had been one of emotional upheaval for Giles, and the last tenuous shred of control that he had was dangerously thin. Anger at Buffy’s intransigence and pain at her callousness fought for domination until the anger swelled, throttling out any other emotion but his building rage. Without stopping to think, he opened the door to her room and followed her inside.

Buffy looked up, ready to chastise Dawn for barging into her room. When she saw it was Giles, her gaze hardened. “Get out.”

Giles slammed the door behind him. “No.”

“I don’t have anything more to say to you.”

“That’s good, because I have some things to say to you.” Giles took a deep breath, fighting for a hold on his temper that would let him say what he needed to say without shouting. He had to make her understand the precariousness of their situation. “Do you truly believe that you have learned all you need to fight the First?”

Buffy’s flat eyes met his. “No, just all I need from you.”

Her barb stung, causing him to fling his words carelessly across the room. “I see. Well, if you’ll just give me a moment of your time, I’ll be out of your way so Spike can begin imparting all of his accumulated wisdom.”

“Leave Spike out of this. I think you’ve done enough to him already.”

“Ah, but you see, I am unable to leave Spike out of it. Every time any of us attempt to leave Spike out of it, you march him front and center and throw him in our face.”

Buffy flung up her hands in exasperation. “I don’t know how many times I have to say this. We need Spike.”

“No,” he said emphatically. “You need Spike.” He raised his hand to still her protest. “For some unknown reason, you continue to champion Spike when he has demonstrated time and again that he is, at best, a liability and, at worst, a dangerous weapon in the First’s hand.”

“I know what I know, Giles. Like it or not, we are going to need Spike in this fight.”

“How can you know that?”

“I don’t know. I just do. Why does it matter how I know? Used to be that you didn’t question my instincts.”

“Buffy, there was a time when I would have marched into hell simply because you pointed and said, ‘Go.’ Now I fear your judgment is so clouded by your emotions, you are making rash decisions that endanger everyone.”

Giles’ words struck Buffy like daggers, leaving wounds that, if left to fester, could prove mortal. In her entire life, Giles was the one person whom she could always count on. Each time she made an error, each time her inability to set aside her emotions led to yet another death, Giles had been behind her with his respect and his support. He was a constant refuge that never failed to provide safe harbor from the demons of doubt that plagued her. To have him stand before her and say that he doubted her…

Tamping her hurt feelings down deep, Buffy grinned mirthlessly and dropped back to sit on her bed. She opened her arms wide in a welcoming gesture. “By all means, proceed. This is always my favorite part of the lecture -- where I learn everything that I do wrong and how I can do better to please people.”

Giles stared at her before shaking his head slightly. “I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

Buffy pushed herself off the bed and stalked forward. “You don’t? Why not? You made me. You think I’m making decisions based on emotions? You believe I let myself feel? Well I don’t, Giles. Not any more. No more feelings, no more quips, no more irresponsible Buffy. You wanted a Slayer to take charge; well, here I am.” She turned her head, looking at the floor. “That’s what you all made me,” she murmured.

Her meek posture served no purpose but to anger Giles further. He snorted at the melodramatic display before him. “Are you quite through?”

Buffy’s eyes met his, flashing anger. “Is something funny?”

“I don’t think anything is funny. I think it remarkably sad that you are the same spoiled child who thinks that if she plays the ‘poor me’ card, everyone will rush around to make it better. You and I both know, Buffy, that no one made you anything. You have made your own choices in life that have led you to be the person you are today.”

Buffy stared incredulously. “I made choices? You think this is what I want? That this is all my fault?” She shouted, her voice growing louder with each question. “Well screw you, Giles. In case you don’t remember, I didn’t ask to be here. I think my so-called friends have made a decision or two down the line that helped make me the oh-so-pathetic person you see standing here before you.”

Giles ran his hand through his hair in frustration. It was apparent this argument would lead nowhere productive. He turned to leave. “I’m sorry I bothered you. Obviously we should speak when clearer heads prevail.”

But Buffy wasn’t done. The sick feeling of betrayal at Giles’ earlier deception still lingered, as well as his harsh words of doubt. She wanted to wound him as much as he had wounded her. “Fine. Leave. It’s what you do best,” she spat at him.

He turned slowly from the door, jade eyes flashing. “If I am adept at leaving, it is because I learned from a master. I’ve hardly had the practice running from my problems that you have.”

“Hard to run from those pesky resurrection spells. Some people are lucky enough to just get on a jet.”

Giles laughed mirthlessly. “You have made an art form of refusing to deal with your problems, Buffy.”

“That’s bullshit. Maybe I haven’t been able to deal a few times, but don’t act like I haven’t stepped up to the plate. I sent one boyfriend to hell and another off to the jungle so he could get away from the destruction that was my life. I sacrificed myself to save the world, and then dealt with the fallout when my friends couldn’t handle life without me. So excuse me if once or twice I’ve stepped back and regrouped, but I least I had issues to run from. You just ran.”

Giles pulled his glasses from his face to give himself a moment. It wouldn’t do for the others to find him with his hands around her throat. When he could speak, it was with deceptive calm. “Allow me to present my point of view on this issue. Then we can decide who has abandoned the other more.” He leaned against the doorframe and held up a finger as he ticked off each point.

“First, my Slayer fell in love with a vampire. Instead of running straight to the Council, as custom would dictate, I decided to allow her some latitude, because surely she would remember her obligation to the world. Second, said vampire loses his soul and sets out on a rampage of terror. Does the Slayer kill the vampire? No. She allows him to go, free to wage evil until said vampire snaps the neck of the woman I love and leaves her in my bed. Did I run away? No. Instead, I had to comfort the Slayer and assure her that indeed I did not hold her responsible in any way for the actions of her demon lover.” Giles’ voice rose at the last.

“To add to the pleasure,” he continued. “I am then tortured by said vampire for hours and when I am again coherent and not suffocating in the pain from my wounds, I learn that my Slayer is missing. For an entire summer, I have no idea if she is alive or dead. At that point did I run away? No, instead I spent all of my time searching for her, praying for her safe return. And when she did return, did I run away from welcoming her, or did I open my arms with not a word of chastisement?”

“You bastard,” Buffy whispered with hurt in her voice. “I had to look him in the eyes and shove a sword through him. I loved him, Giles. Maybe it was wrong, but I was seventeen years old, and he was my world. She gestured brokenly. “He was so confused. His eyes were so full of love and concern. I saw the void opening, and, no matter how much I wanted to let the world go to hell, I didn’t,” she gritted out. “Instead, I sent him. Do you get that? I sent him to hell.”

“And I spent hours there at his hands. So don’t expect me to feel sorry for him.”

They glared at each other across the room for a long minute before Giles continued bitterly. “One would think that would be the end of the saga. But no, the vampire returns from hell. Instead of telling her Watcher, the Slayer chooses to keep it a secret, once again putting her friends in jeopardy.”

Buffy retorted hotly, “None of you were in danger. But while we’re discussing my senior year… By all means let’s talk about a time when maybe you should have run. But did you? No. You were way too eager to fall in line with the Council to poison me and try to kill my mother. Tell me, Giles, how did it feel to slide the needle in my arm? Maybe you were hoping I would die so you could be rid of the terrible burden I had become.”

Giles jerked as if she had slapped him. “I will willingly admit that I was wrong to administer the test. But, I remind you, I didn’t run away. I got myself sacked for standing up for you. And how do you repay me? By asking me to watch over that monster in the very house where he tortured me for pleasure.”

“Then,” he continued, beginning to pace with agitation. “For the next two years, I am ignored and only taken off the shelf and dusted when my selfish Slayer needs something. I certainly could have left at that point, and you probably wouldn’t have noticed I was gone.”

“Don’t give me that,” Buffy denied. “You couldn’t wait for me to leave you alone. I turned my back for five minutes, and you hopped into bed with someone. Then you were quick to point out that it was time for me to grow up and not rely on you. Your memory is awfully convenient, Giles.”

“Yes, well, I am sorry that my selfish shagging once every five years inconvenienced you Buffy. I know that you choose to think of me as a sexless eunuch, but I am a man.” Giles had long forgone any hope he had of Buffy seeing him as a man; as much as he would have liked to show her otherwise on countless occasions.

“Speaking of hopping into bed. Exactly how long did you know Parker before you climbed in?”

Buffy’s eyes widened at his deliberate cruelty. Ignoring her, he went on. “Then you crawled into bed with that Teutonic twit, blinded by the lure of his commando friends and the staggering intellect of Maggie bloody Walsh.

“I thought we had finally mended fences in our fight against Glory; however, you threatened to kill me if I harmed Dawn, and recklessly sacrificed yourself to avoid making another difficult decision.”

Buffy interrupted hotly, “Forgive me for not being the emotional marathon man. I can’t believe you wanted me to kill the only family I had left. How rude of me to let my mother’s death affect me. I keep forgetting that other people are allowed to show emotion, but not Buffy Summers. No, she has to forget her feelings time and again and save the world. Except when it’s convenient for her friends to accuse her of letting her feelings dictate her actions. You can’t have it both ways, Giles. I jumped off that tower because it was the only option.”

“You jumped off that tower to die,” he shouted. “And I had to watch.” Watch as the woman he had come to love during that last year plunged through an abyss to reappear broken and lifeless on the other side. “Sacrificing Dawn would have been the harder decision; you took the easy way out, leaving the world without a Slayer.”

“But thank goodness for dark magic,” she shot back. “Heaven got you down?” She asked in a snide sing-song voice. “Well, just dial 1-800-Rip-Em-Out, and you too can have your friends pull you from your eternal rest.”

Giles flinched at the bitterness in her voice. “I never would have let them bring you back if I had known.”

“Yeah, I heard you yell at Willow. Made me feel all warm and fuzzy at how happy you were to have me back.”

As much as it pained him to admit this to her right now, Giles had to let her know. He stopped pacing long enough to look directly into her furious gaze. “There’s not a day that has gone by since you came back, Buffy, that I haven’t thanked God for your return.”

But Buffy’s ire would not be so easily assuaged. “Gee, you have a really funny way of showing it, because here’s where you set the bar on the art of running. You couldn’t deal with where I was, so you made some lame ass excuse and high tailed it back to England.”

“Is that what you think?”

“I think that is exactly what happened.”

“I left to make you stronger, Buffy.” At least that was what he told himself, night after night with a bottle of Scotch. He had learned to ignore the voice that said he couldn’t handle facing what she had become, a cruel mockery of the woman he loved. “You needed to stand on your own two feet.”

“Did you have to kick them out from underneath me by leaving?”

She turned her back, continuing in a bitter tone, “Don’t you get it, Giles? You were the one person I could count on, and you left. I didn’t know what to do.”

Buffy's words cut deep, so he struck back without thinking. “If I’d known you were going to shag the first person -- or thing -- that crossed your path, I would have stuck around.”

Buffy recoiled in shock. “I didn’t know you wanted to audition for that role. But, honestly Giles, I don’t think you’ve got what it takes to make me feel how I needed to feel.”

“Of course, Buffy, because you’re the first person to ever get involved in a relationship where your main goal is to be made to feel as dirty as you believe you deserve. Once again, you’re the one girl in all the world who has encountered that.”

Her eyes narrowed. “You’re talking about Ethan aren’t you?”

He waved her question away. “We aren’t talking about me, Buffy. This is about you and your continued obsession with Spike.”

“There is no obsession with Spike. And we are talking about you. You still haven’t explained why you left me.”

“I have explained it,” he said, voice increasing with his frustration. “You relied on me too heavily.”

“That’s bullshit. You know I needed you. Why did you leave?” She yelled.

He yelled back, “Why did you sleep with Spike?”

Beyond the point of caring that he was revealing too much, he shouted, “Because I couldn’t watch you die again,” at the same time, she screamed “Because I wanted to die.”

They stood, panting heavily, staring at each other from across the room. Finally, Buffy’s cold façade broke. Her eyes welled with tears, and she began to sob. “I’ve tried, Giles. But it’s cold here still; and so loud. I feel like I’m walking on a cliff that’s crumbling, and each time I scoot away from the edge, more of it breaks away. Everyone wants me to save them, but you all don’t understand; we’re going to die.” She looked at him, and the raw pain on her face almost shattered the last remnants of his heart. “The First is going to win, and we will die.” He barely heard her last confession, “And I want that.”

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