Title: Betrayal
Author: LadyForASH
Rated: NC17
Disclaimer: You know that nothing belongs to me. Joss created it all. Please don't sue!
Feedback is a great motivator...
"I love you," Giles whispered.
Buffy was surprised at his words at first. She hadn't been expecting him to say that. She swallowed and looked down at the tea in her cup which she held with both hands. "I know," she said softly.
But she didn't know. Not completely, and Giles was resigned to that fact. She thought he meant like Travers had said, "A father's love." But it was so much more then that. It was the kind of love that was so painful for him, that he ached all the time. It made him toss and turn at night because he couldn't hold her close, the emptiness and loss in his heart and soul assaulted him as soon as his eyes opened in the morning. If only she could see it, and know it, and return it…all would be replaced with joy and peace and a completeness that could only be found when you were with your other half.
"So you come here sometimes?" Buffy asked to distract them. She wasn't ready to face things quite yet. The tactic worked for the moment.
"Yes. I bought it a few years back. Sometimes I stayed here over the weekend or summer weeks to recharge," Giles explained. He'd already decided to come here after finding Buffy at the Bronze, but bringing her here to his private retreat seemed like the right thing to do yesterday morning.
"And it comes with a stocked kitchen?" Buffy teased. "Neat!" But the teasing never reached her eyes or her face. It was as fake as the smile she tried to give him.
"I phoned the landlord that watches it for me. She made sure it was clean and did some grocery shopping for me. I rent the place out for extra income when I'm not here," Giles answered.
He finished his tea and set the now empty mug down on the table. "I think I'll go for a walk." Without another word he stood and headed down the walk to the beach.
Buffy watched him go with a lump in her throat. She was surprised when he didn't ask her to join him. He'd just gotten up and left her there. It sort of upset her. But as she watched him walking with stooped shoulders, his hands pressed far down into the pockets of his slacks and his pant legs rolled up to just under his knees with his bare feet in the sand, Buffy understood his need.
Giles moved close to the wet sand, near where the waves fell and receded. He was at such a profound loss of words where Buffy was concerned that he had to move away for a bit and gather his thoughts. He was intent on helping her, and not making the situation about him. Yes, he loved her. Yes, she'd hurt him terribly, but he knew she was hurting herself worse. This wasn't about him. Retorting with angry and hurt words would not be healing for either one of them. It might make him feel better for a moment, to release the anger and bitterness inside, but in the end it would solve nothing. Logically he knew that, but emotionally he was hurting so bad it was hard to breathe.
He couldn't stop seeing them together. Spike and Buffy. His mind twisted the encounter into one of more passion and pleasure for Buffy then it had been. He knew her body had responded, but her heart hadn't. Yet in his mind, she'd smiled at Spike. It was just as if Willow's spell had kicked in again, and Buffy was cooing and giggling as Spike pounded into her.
Giles curled his fists into the pockets of his pants. He shook his head and tried to let the beach breeze clear the images from his mind. It hadn't been quite that way.
Still, Buffy had yet to apologize. What should she actually apologize for, however? "Sorry I don't love you, Giles?" "Sorry it wasn't you, Giles?" "Sorry I came back but I'm not me, Giles?" It wasn't her fault. She'd been in heaven, after all. How could anyone cope after being snatched back to the pain and despair of Earth?
The thing was, part of Giles wished it had been him. Even if it was wrong, at least he'd get to touch her. He'd get to feel her, push into her, become one with her. He'd finally get the joy of loving her. But would it be a hollow love if she didn't return him? She'd just be using him to feel, instead of Spike, and that's not what Giles wanted. A little voice inside kept saying that would be better then nothing…he didn't mind if she used him. He loved her. But the mature and responsible, logical man inside knew that would ultimately destroy them both.
The Watcher had to figure out where they went from here. He had to salvage what he could of the old Buffy. He knew he had to help her find her strength and confidence once again. But how?