Title: Betrayal
Author: LadyForASH
Rated: NC17
Disclaimer: You know that nothing belongs to me. Joss created it all. Please don't sue!
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"More then," Giles said gently. He didn't take his eyes off her face and his fingers were now entwined with hers.
Buffy was the first to break eye contact. She bowed her head and looked at his fingers in hers. Slowly he rubbed his skin against hers, his fingertip over a knuckle, between her fingers, across her fingertips. They were all healed now. Giles just wished that the heart, soul, and mind could heal just as quickly. It seemed Slayer healing wasn't as complete as it should be.
"But you don't want to sleep with me?" Buffy asked again, her head still bent.
Giles' mouth quirked in one corner. His fingers tightened around hers. "More then anything, I want that. I want you. I've desired you since…" he blushed and bent his own head.
Buffy looked up. "Since when?"
Giles looked uncomfortable. If his hand hadn't been in hers he'd have been furiously polishing his glasses right now. "Since your 18th birthday," he finally said.
Buffy blinked. She heard Travers say, `A father's love…' Now Buffy understood a lot more.
"What you wanted back there," Giles tried to explain, "was not love, Buffy. It was an escape. A release. Sometimes that can be healing and needed, I agree." He saw that she was going to interrupt him so he slowly shook his head and held up his other hand. "Please, let me try and explain." He saw her throat work around a swallow and then she nodded, letting him continue.
"You can't run away from difficulties, Buffy. Not this. You can't always escape. Sometimes that makes things worse. It's just going to magnify the issues, and…you'll lose yourself, forever. You'll lose everyone that loves you and needs you as well." Giles moved his other hand to hers so that now both of his hands held her one small, tiny, hand. A hand that had such strength at times. "I can't lose you, Buffy, and I certainly don't want to contribute to your pain. Believe me, I wasn't rejecting you. I'm not rejecting you. I just…want it to be more, and I want it to be right for the both of us."
Buffy felt tears in her eyes. "How can you want me? After what I did? After what you saw? How can you forgive me? How can you eve look at me, let alone love me?"
"I'll admit, I'm hurting," he said softly. "But I know that wasn't you. Not my Buffy. You're lost, and I want to help bring you back, not push you further into the darkness. This isn't about what I want or need right now. I just want what's best for you."
"You're wrong." She pulled her hand away. "That was me. This is me. You need to know the truth. You say you love me, but this is me. Now. Here. I am in the darkness. I'm…buried in all this. I don't want to be here, Giles. Not again. There's too much pain. I can't do this again, don't you see?"
The waitress chose that moment to bring their meals. Giles and Buffy were silent. Neither moved towards their food but Buffy took a drink of her water until the waitress left.
Giles picked up his fork and sighed. He knew words could not make things right. There was nothing he could say that would make her see. It was just a process she'd have to go through. She had to wander through the darkness for awhile to get out at the other side. And when she emerged, he'd be there. He could be here now, holding her in the darkness, keeping her safe the only way he knew how.
"I'm not going anywhere, Buffy," he finally said. "I'll help you. You can do this. Isn't that what you told Dawn? Hm? The hardest thing to do in this world is to live in it? That's what she told me you said. I won't let you give up, Buffy. I'll catch you when you fall. I'll hold you in the darkness. You can cry and you can scream and you can rage, but I'll still be here loving you."