Title: Betrayal
Author: LadyForASH
Rated: NC17
Disclaimer: You know that nothing belongs to me. Joss created it all. Please don't sue!
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Giles and Buffy returned to the house to shower and change for lunch. They were quiet as they ate their leftovers from the night before, along with a pot of tea. Unlike the silence from last night, however, it wasn't stressful or oppressive. It was thoughtful and contemplative on both their parts. Buffy even offered to help clean up.
They retreated into the living room after lunch. Giles was debating on going for a walk when Buffy surprised him.
"Giles? Can I talk to you?" She looked almost nervous as she stood there in the center of the room.
"Of course," he said gently. He sat down on the sofa and looked up at her.
She paced for a moment. He was patient and waited for her to figure out how to begin. Finally her shoulders sagged a little and she joined him on the sofa. She sat close to him, their knees not quite touching.
"How are you feeling?" Giles prompted her gently.
Buffy clasped her hands in her lap and took a deep breath. "How about if I start with telling you how I felt? Before…" Her hands clenched in her lap for a moment and then she continued at Giles' patient nod.
"Back home, I felt like going into the kitchen of the house and pulling out all of the dishes from the cabinets, and hurling them down onto the linoleum floor to watch them smash into a million pieces. I felt like standing in the middle of a busy highway and screaming at the top of my lungs, daring cars to hit me. I felt like running as far as I could, as fast as I could until my legs gave out and my body screamed for mercy, and then screaming some more. I felt helpless. I felt angry. I felt frustrated. I felt… sad. So sad, and nothing would make it go away. I couldn't run, I couldn't hide, I could only try and pretend. I felt like if I was wild and reckless then you'd all abandon me and I could fall away into oblivion once more."
Buffy took a deep breath. "Part of me is missing, Giles. It's like a vampire came and bit out this huge chunk of my insides, and I can't get it back. I can't get me back. Not all of me." Slowly she turned and looked at him. "But I want to try. Please, Giles. I'm so tired. I feel like I swam a hundred miles, and my body is so wore out that I can't climb out of the pool. Will you help me? Please… Giles, will you help pull me out?"
Giles felt tears in his eyes. He moved his hand over to cover both of hers. "Always," he whispered.
Buffy moved her fingers so they curled around his. "So what do we do now? Where do we go from here?"
"We go home. We get back to our daily lives, only this time we don't shut each other out."
Buffy turned her head and looked at him. "You're supposed to be in England now. Why did you come back?"
"Because this is where I belong. I couldn't leave you, Buffy. Being with you is where I'm supposed to be. Without you…there is a piece of me missing as well."
"Even after what you found when you came back?" Buffy's own eyes were heavy with tears.
Giles lifted his free hand to her face and with a finger brushed one stray tear away from her cheek. "Sometimes when we hurt so much, all we can do is punish ourselves even more. We hurt the ones we love in turn, even when we don't mean too. We take them for granted, or we lash out at them just to feel release or so that we aren't alone in our grief." He cupped her cheek gently. "I've done things I regret. We all have. It took a long time for me to forgive myself. You actually helped me with that."
"You're talking about Eyghon, aren't you?" Buffy asked softly.
"That among other things," he said with a gentle little smile.
"I didn't mean to hurt you," she whispered, trying to make him understand. "I didn't know that…you…cared about me like you do."
Giles moved his hand down to her shoulder and his jaw clenched for a moment. "Does it matter?" he finally asked.
Buffy kept her eyes on his. "Of course it matters," she said urgently. "You matter to me more then anybody. That's why it hurt so much when I thought you left. That's why I turned to him…to Spike."
Giles flinched at that but Buffy hastened to reassure him. "No, I mean, I would have done something bad anyways, because…because I think I had to go through the badness to find…" her eyes cleared for a moment and then she continued, "To find you on the other side. I realized that I care about you too. To realize that…life is worth living."
Giles took a deep breath and then gently rubbed her shoulder before pulling back again. "I'm not sure what is right," he finally told her.
Surprisingly, Buffy didn't pull away. She smiled softly at him. "Call the record books, that's a first," she teased. "How about if we just agree to take things slow for now. I know that things aren't normal yet. We're here alone and things have been intense."
"That's true," Giles agreed with a nod. "Perhaps we should go back to Sunnydale and see how you feel then?" Maybe things would progress, or maybe they wouldn't. Honestly, Giles was just so relieved that Buffy seemed to be coming back to herself that her returning his love didn't matter as much to him anymore. In the end, her finding hope and having that light in her eyes again…that's what mattered most.
"Okay," Buffy said after a moment. "But can we wait until tomorrow? I want you to finish that book first." At her smile Giles chuckled and wrapped her in his arms. He vowed to himself to never let her get lost again. He was going to hold on to her for as long as she let him.