Title: The Interview
Author: LadyForASH
Rated: FRT
Spoilers.... everything I guess. It's after Chosen, sometime in the future.
Summary: Dawn interview's Giles for her Watcher essay. This is a prompt fic. My prompt was: The worst pain Giles ever felt.
Disclaimers: I own nothing. Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc are the gods, I just like to play with their wonderful characters. All I get out of this is pleasure.

She'd asked a ton of questions. Some were easy, some were hard. This last question was a real bugger, however. If it had been any other Watcher in training, Giles would have said, "no comment," or he would have just lied. There were so many answers to choose from, no one would have been the wiser. But it was Dawn doing the interview for her final exam essay in her first year Watcher's class at the Academy. Giles couldn't deny her an answer, and he couldn't deny her the truth.

"What's the worst pain you've ever felt?" Dawn asked, biting her lower lip in concentration. She'd taken a ton of notes. It had surprised her how little she had really known, not only about being a Watcher, but how little she'd known Rupert Giles.

He took off his glasses for perhaps the millionth time and polished the lenses with a fine linen handkerchief he had on the desk. His brow furrowed in concentration.

"I bet I know this one," Dawn said. "I bet it was that spear, when you were driving the motor home? You almost died that time," she said softly.

Giles smiled sadly. "No, Dawn, that wasn't the worst."

"Okay, let me keep guessing. I must know this one! Oh, I know…" Dawn looked a little worriedly at him that time. "Was it when Angelus tortured you?" His fingers had never quite recovered from that, she knew.

Slowly he shook his head. "There is some pain that is worse than physical, Dawn. There's emotional pain. It lasts a lifetime, and never really fades."

"Well, it couldn't have been when Buffy died, because she came back, and she saved the world. I know you missed her and were sad, but you were proud too. And… that pain went away because she came back."

Giles slid his glasses back on and picked up his tea cup. He studied the steam as it rose from the beverage for a moment while he gathered his thoughts. "I can't even begin to put into words my utter desolation when Buffy died," he said softly. "I was proud of her, and… in some ways, I always expected that some day I would lose her. She was The Slayer, and I was The Watcher, and it was almost common place for such a loss. But your sister was special. And yes, she came back." He smiled at Dawn then.

Dawn returned the smile but rolled her eyes a little. Then, more serious, "Was it Jenny then? Was it when you lost Jenny?" Her pen was stilled above the note pad.

Giles' face broke for a moment. Losing Jenny had been a tremendous loss, and yes, he still blamed himself for her death. And there had been so much promise, and hope, and dreams lost when he'd lost Jenny. "Almost the worst," he agreed.

"But not the worst you've ever felt?" Dawn was intrigued and confused and scared now. What pain could be worse than the death of someone you loved?

Giles sipped his tea and then set it down on the desk. He took off his glasses and tipped back in his chair. He studied the far wall instead of looking at Dawn as he answered.

"Randall was the worst pain I ever felt," he said in a hoarse whisper. Bringing back that night was agony, but if it could teach Dawn anything, teach her to follow the right path, then it was his reason for experiencing it and explaining it to her now.

"The night we conjured up Eyghon and the demon claimed Randall… nothing went as planned. It was a high. A glorious high. My friends and I were lost in the ecstasy of the spells, the sex, and the drugs. But things changed so quickly, and my life with it. You see, Dawn, letting yourself lose control like that without reason or purpose except for pleasure… magic always has consequences. Always. And some are irrevocable."

Dawn was silent, caught by his words and hurting inside by the evident pain showing on his face as he tried to explain to her.

"I had to kill my friend, and it was my fault. It was my decision that we invoke the demon that night. I was running from duty and responsibility and everyone I had known and loved. I turned from the light, thinking the dark would cloak me and save me, but instead, it scarred me for life, and left Randall dead by my own hand. I had to kill him before Eyghon took another. I… I had to take my knife, and plunge it into Randall's throat, and take off his head. It was the only way. And even then, as you all learned later, it wasn't enough. Eyghon returned to kill everyone bearing this tattoo." Giles held up his arm to show her his mark of shame. He kept it there as a reminder of his deadly mistakes. "It was and is the worst pain I've ever felt. I still feel it," he said gruffly. "Every single day, I see my hand take Randall's life. Every day I feel the fear and agony and… there isn't a single day that goes by that I don't have regrets about that. It was my fault, and I should suffer for it. Its justice that I never forget and always feel, and always suffer… its what I deserve."

Silence descended once again on the room. Dawn finished her notes, again biting her lower lip. She wanted to tell him he was wrong, that it wasn't his fault. She wanted to comfort him and take the pain away. She wanted to tell him he'd punished himself enough, and that he'd saved millions of lives so many times, saving the world so many times, that he'd made up for any sins long ago. But Dawn didn't say those things. He wouldn't listen. Nothing would ever take his pain away. Not even time.

She closed her notebook and set it on the desk. "Thank you, Giles."

He shook himself and put his glasses back on. "You're quite welcome." Slowly he smiled again. "If it wasn't for me being your subject matter, I'd be certain you'd receive high marks."

Dawn laughed and softly smacked his shoulder. Then she reached out and took his hand. "Thank you, Giles." Her eyes met his, and for a moment, she felt and absorbed a little of his pain. She rose out of her chair and pulled him into a gentle hug.

Dawn learned something then. Love could ease all suffering. Love was the answer.

The End