TITLE: Bad Judgement 5/10
AUTHOR: Lily2332
FEEDBACK: Yes!
DISCLAIMER: They’re not mine, don’t sue.

PART FIVE: REGRETS

SATURDAY, 11AM

Buffy flew through the front door, away from her watcher, only making it as far as the porch, her friends blocking the path to blissful freedom.

"I've gotta-"

"-No." Willow told her in a tone that was firm yet kind. "You can't run away, Buffy...." Her face flashed sudden understanding.

"Unless he sent you away. Did he?"

Buffy began to tremble. It hadn't even occurred to her that Giles would send her away. What if he couldn't stand to look at her? Worse yet, what if he *wanted* to look at her, with those searching eyes, those eyes that begged her to tell him it had been a mistake. That someone else had betrayed him.

She shook her head, looking to her friends, desperate for some shred of strength when hers was gone. They didn't let her down. Willow clasped her friend's hand, Xander took the other one in his own. They stood for a few moments in unspoken support, until the slayers shoulders began to shake with silent sobs. Xander pulled her into his arms, rising to the occasion for a change by keeping his mouth shut. No one needed to tell Buffy that she'd done the unforgivable, her guilty tears soaking into her friends shoulder were proof that she knew this already.

"Buffy, this is Giles. Your Giles. Go to him." Willow wanted more than anything to give her friend instructions on how to mend this broken relationship, but this was the only advice she could confidently offer.

The blonde sniffled, pulling slightly away from Xander, not yet wanting to leave the warm security of someone who offered such unwavering friendship. He surprised her by breaking contact completely, speaking seriously with no hint of sarcasm, mirth, or anything Xander.

"Go. We'll be here later, but he might not be."

Although she needed to hear the words, it was a severe reality. This possibility sent her back towards the door, gratefully absorbing the encouraging smiles of her friends as much as she could before turning.

When she was gone, Oz spoke. "It's not just her fault. We kept him on the candy."

"But we didn't sleep with him." Xander pointed out, easing himself into a lounge chair set up on the porch. They could be out here for a while.

"Hmmm." The three fell silent as they tried to rid themselves of the mental picture those words presented.

Buffy entered the cabin quietly, wanting to put off this confrontation until the last moment possible. He wasn't downstairs. Good. That meant at least thirty seconds of bought time.

The stairs squeaked under her bare feet and she cringed. Her shaky legs carried her the rest of the way to the guest bedroom where she heard him moving around restlessly. Not yet able to face him, she leaned against the wall outside, gathering her courage. Was this what he had felt after her birthday? No, he had been pressured into the test. She had concocted and carried out this entire betrayal on her own.

He was torn. Anger and grief were battling for the right to take him over, would he rage or weep? And if he was angry, was it with himself or his slayer? If he were grieving, was it because Buffy had hurt him or because he had hurt her?

He stood before the window, resting his forehead against the cool pane. She had better not come anywhere near him right now, or she'd be begging for Ripper's kind nature, he thought as the anger slowly took precedence.

"Giles." Her voice was questioning and shaky..

<Good. She's afraid.> Part of him thought coldly, refusing her an invitation. Despite his obvious snub, he heard her approach him from behind. There was such a physical aching in his chest, he almost wanted to put his hand to his heart and rub it away. But he knew from experience that where Buffy was concerned, it would do no good. Every day for the whole summer she had been gone, he'd felt this familiar sensation, and if history were any indication, it would only worsen.

"Well" he broke the silence, not turning from the window. "You're here. I thought you'd be halfway to L.A. by now. Or maybe this time you could head North. Away from your damage, nevertheless." His voice was harsh, and he loaded as much ammunition into every word that he could, regretting them even as he spoke them.

<you're a bloody fool!> he told himself at these pangs of remorse. <you can't bear to hurt her even when she is this cruel.>

"I deserve that." She replied grimly. She would take whatever he had to give, and when he had finished, she would beg for his forgiveness.

"You have no idea." He muttered, taking off his glasses and sitting on the bed.

She heard him. "Well, tell me, then. What do I deserve?"

He laughed, a joyless, hard sound. "That depends on your offense. But shall we really go into that? It might take a while. We'd have to start with all the lies you've ever told me, touch briefly on Angel, spend quite a while discussing you leaving me-" his voice broke, the only indication of any emotion. "And we could end up with Angel again....oh, no, wait I forgot. Drugging me. Yes, well. Whatever amuses you, Buffy. That's what I'm here for."

Buffy had no reply for the accusations. She was guilty of all of those things, and much more. She studied his face, safe for the moment as he looked away from her. He looked tired, and so unbelievably sad. She opened her mouth to ask what could grieve him so, then realized that she was the source of his suffering.

The man shook his head. No wonder he wasn't her watcher anymore. It was a good thing, too. Never in his watchers journals had he learned of any watchers and slayers in such emotional upheaval over one another. Once in a while, a difference of opinion, but nothing that bore such heart-wrenching results.

"Why do you suppose we are always hurting one another so?" He asked.

Buffy didn't answer, biting her lip to keep a fresh wave of tears from beginning. She almost preferred his anger to this defeated resignation. She knew it wasn't fair, but wanted his comfort, and almost asked him to hold her. <reality check, Buffy, you're doing well that he's in the same room with you.>

<Bring it up, get it over with.> She agonized, thinking of last night's lustful frenzy. <Please don't use any embarrassing words, like "intercourse"> she covered her face with her hands in chagrin just thinking about discussing it with her watcher.

"Buffy, about last night," he began, watching a yet a few more tears slide down her cheeks, which were already glistening wet. He felt his heart twist again, resisting the urge to comfort her.

What he had to do suddenly became clear to him, and he felt a part of him die as he forced calm detachment. It was best for both of them. "I regret what happened, and can assure you that it will never happen again."

"But-" she tried to think of an argument, finding none. What was he supposed to have said to her? <I love you> But Ripper would sleep with anyone, after all hadn't he even done it with her mother? "But Giles...." Still she clung to the hope. She knew he loved her, she had seen it in his eyes. And when he was on the candy he had all but admitted it. <we are lovers, my dear, we just haven't gone through with it all the way.> he had said.

"-No Buffy" he interrupted. It's fine. I'm not angry, and I accept your apology. We will continue our training, and I will continue to guide you, and as far as our personal relationship......." He took a deep breath, looking away. "We don't have one anymore."

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