TITLE: Beauty 2/7
AUTHOR: Lily2332
RATING: PG-13
DISCLAIMER: They’re not mine, don’t sue.
NOTE: Thanks you Bored, for lending your wonderful beta reading skills.
Also, I’d like to apologize in advance for any sad/angry feelings/frustrated feelings inspired by this chapter. You know what they say, things always get worse before they get better.

Buffy looked around at her walls, squinting in the darkness. <Lord, how does Angel do it?> She wondered. Day after day, waiting for night to fall…it was a lonely life.

She was so tired of these same four walls that she was ready to climb them, but solitude was much better than the alternative. People. The thought of people didn’t make her stomach clench up as much as it had a week ago.

But to let someone see her like this…it was too soon.

"Especially Giles." She said aloud. Her voice sounded loud and out of place in the dark refuge that was her bedroom. The mention of his name shocked her. It had come from nowhere. In the past, his name had been equated with comfort and healing. Now the word sounded scary and…dirty. Saying it was uncomfortably close to actually having him there, and she automatically covered her face with her hand at that thought.

"Now I’m talking to myself." She grumbled, picking up a tube of cream the doctor had given her at the hospital. It was time to reapply, not that the ointment would really make an improvement on the ugly, raised stripes that lined the entire side of her face. The doctors had spoken of minimizing and downplaying, not noticing her trembling fingers as they’d handed her their pamphlets and business cards.

Her door opened, and Buffy immediately recognized the silhouette standing there. She didn’t have time to react, to hide herself.

"Buffy?" Willow’s voice was frightened, trying to be brave.

<Damn you, Mom.> Buffy thought angrily. "Hi." She responded. She dreaded Willow’s reaction, but forced herself to watch her friend’s face as she stepped into the light.

Willow was a good friend. She’d been preparing for this moment ever since Joyce had called her the previous night. But despite all the ghastly images she’d conjured up, and her firm resolve to be Buffy’s rock, her face crumpled in sympathy. Her hands covered the gasp that she emitted, really more of a startled cry.

Buffy wasn’t surprised, but it still hurt to see herself through the eyes of someone else. Especially someone who loved her so unconditionally.

"Okay…" She tried to end the awkward silence, as well as put her friend at ease. "I guess I don’t have to ask if you like my new look…"

Willow hesitated. Was Buffy joking? If so, how could she possibly do so? Finally she gave up trying to find the right thing to say and enveloped her in a tight hug, sighing in relief when Buffy didn’t draw away.

"Why didn’t you tell me?" She asked, still trying to get accustomed to the damage.

Buffy laughed bitterly. "Why? So you could what? Mix me up a mojo smoothie to fix all that ails me? It’s okay. I’m dealing with it." To prove her point, she turned on the light, giving them both full survey.

"It-it’s not that bad." Willow said hesitantly, then with more conviction, "Really. The hair is the worst, Buffy, and I know you’re not really a hat person, but we can get you some cute hats, until it grows out." She smiled genuinely, her initial discomfort subsiding. This was still Buffy, after all, no matter what she looked like.

"What happened?" She asked, sitting down on Buffy’s bed, holding Mr. Gordo on her lap. Buffy’s own mother hadn’t even been able to tell her what or who had caused these cruel injuries, and not knowing was always so much worse than knowing…leaving so much to the imagination.

Buffy felt the familiar lump in her throat, remembering the events that led up to this moment. But she was dying to get it out, to finally call everything that had hurt her by name.

"I went to Giles apartment." She began. "He was there, but-" To her eternal frustration, her voice broke, giving away more than she wanted to her friend. Willow waited patiently for her to finish.

"-but he was with someone. A woman." She added, raising her eyes to meet the redhead’s equally startled gaze. "And they’d been…" She made a face. "You know. And he acted like he didn’t even know me." She felt the first hot, salty tear make it’s way down her cheek, and hurried with her story, knowing that more were soon to follow.

"He said that he’s not my watcher anymore, and that I have to do things on my own…But Will, you should’ve seen him." Her voice sounded high and strangled as she tried to finish before the sobs overtook her. "He didn’t even know me, he didn’t see me. God, I w-wish I could stop this d-damned crying!" She wailed, weeping in earnest now. Grief, self-pity, and anger were twisted together so tightly and deeply within her that she couldn’t distinguish one from the other anymore.

Willow watched her friend helplessly, completely confused. "I don’t understand." She said cautiously, retrieving an almost empty box of tissue for her. "Is that why you’re so…upset?"

Buffy nodded, wiping her tears in vain.

"But- when I asked what happened, I kind of meant…who hurt you?" She prodded.

"A vamp…Sunday. She’s seriously deranged. She’s not even anything special, Will. Just somebody who had something to prove. And I was so…I couldn’t fight. My guard wasn’t just down, it was non-existent." She started to tell her friend about the events that followed her capture, but found herself reluctant to even think about it.

"Did you stake her?" Willow asked, a fire in her eyes. No one could mess with the slayer like this and make it out alive.

Buffy took Mr. Gordo from the other girl’s lap, hugging him to her. "no, I ran away." She answered quietly. She stroked his ears gently.

"She’s still out there?" Willow asked. "We have to talk to Giles."

"No. He can’t know about this." Although Willow didn’t understand in even a small way, her friend’s decision, she did see that Buffy had made up her mind. She also recognized this as a good bargaining tool.

After all, Giles would eventually see his slayer. To think otherwise was delusional. Buffy could no more stay away from Giles, than he could stay away from her. It was just their way.

A few hours after Willow had left her, having somehow extracted a promise to go patrolling that night, she picked up her phone.

"Hello?" Giles answered on the first ring.

It took her a second to find her voice. For the first time in her life, she was afraid to talk to him. What if he wanted to know what had happened in her room over a week ago?

"It’s me." She tested.

She could almost hear the gentle smile in his voice. "I know."

"You knew?"

"I-I had hoped." He amended. "It’s been…a while."

Buffy wondered if that was his way of saying that he missed her. <Yeah, right.> He probably just wanted to give her a new "To Slay" list.

She drew a deep breath, trying for breezy nonchalance. "I’m gonna patrol tonight." She told him. "Feeling better. Thought I’d check in." If she let him think that everything was as usual with slaying, he wouldn’t feel the need to see her or ask questions.

Giles knew it was his turn to speak, but paused. Their bitter encounter had stayed with him, leaving him confused and full of regrets.

Olivia approached him, swaying her hips seductively. "Rupert." She urged, cocking her head toward the bedroom. He frowned, shaking his head.

"Giles? You still there?"

"Yes, Buffy." He tried to ignore the woman’s hand moving slowly up his thigh. "I’m glad you’re feeling better, but-" He caught Olivia’s hand in a strong grip, glaring at her for the distraction. She giggled louder than necessary.

Buffy’s breath caught in her throat at the sound. "I-You-you’re busy." She blurted. "I’ll call you tomorrow." She hung up, not giving him a chance to respond.

So much for him missing her. What had he done that had pleased Olivia so? Buffy turned to her mirror, knowing that this wasn’t a good time. She couldn’t help it. At least the pain was a feeling, an improvement over the first week of numbness.

Her slayer’s healing power was truly amazing, and that was part of the reason she hadn’t been back to the doctor. Too many questions. The cuts had completely healed, leaving her with what she’d have to look at the rest of her life. The scarred side was such a severe contrast to the smooth other half of her face. It was a cruel reminder of what she had been but never could be again. Sometimes she tortured herself, turning her unblemished side to the mirror, pretending that she was still the old Buffy, but today she forced herself to face the new Buffy.

Again, even as she donned a hat that Willow had brought over, she thought of the woman with whom Giles had been so preoccupied. It wasn’t fair! She was the slayer, and needed her watcher’s support. She deserved it, had earned it through her own blood, sweat, and tears. Never had that phrase seemed more literal. Maybe he was right, maybe she didn’t have a watcher anymore.

<God, I feel ridiculous in this hat.> She thought, smirking at her reflection in spite of herself. It wasn’t quite the picture of innocent whimsy that Willow managed to pull off; couldn’t be with the years that hung on her face.

She set off towards the cemetary, her first time out since the night that she’d been forever changed. She knew in her heart that if it hadn’t been for the darkness, she never would’ve had the courage to leave the house.

"I’m so proud of you!" Willow exclaimed, looking like she was going to hug Buffy yet again. The slayer stepped away warily.

"I know, Will, you already said that…about eight times." She reminded her. "And I haven’t even done anything yet."

"But-you have!" She protested. "You came out tonight, and…well, I know it’s the first time for you, since…" Buffy thought that Willow would do as Joyce, and gracefully let the unsaid words silently fall. But she continued softly, "…since you got…hurt."

Buffy grimaced. She really still needed a little tact at this point. A long silence passed between the girls. They had stopped, and were listening, waiting. In all honesty, Buffy had chosen the cemetery because she knew that the vamps were on campus, not here. Willow knew this, but recognized it as a start.

"Um…I’d really like to be alone for a while." She hinted. Okay, it was more than a hint, but sometimes Willow needed a harder nudge than most people.

The redhead gathered her things together. "Okay, I understand…just…be careful, okay?" She’d never really worried about Buffy in that way before, but seeing with her own eyes that she wasn’t indestructible had startled her out of ignorance.

Buffy made her way around the wall of the cemetery, intending to finish this round, then call it a night. Thinking that she heard something, she stepped behind some bushes into the shadows. Nothing. She felt out of tune with her slayer senses, overly sensitized by what had happened. But as she moved to retreat from the secluded nook, she heard something behind her.

"Buffy"

Panic rushed through her veins, sharp and stinging. Her heart constricted tightly as she considered all that could happen in these next few minutes. She wasn’t ready for this.

She didn’t acknowledge him, instead standing completely still, barely even breathing.

He knew that she’d heard him, her body had stiffened when he’d called to her. But there she stood, partially hidden in the shadows of the foliage. He waited for her to turn and face him.

"Giles…" Buffy tried to buy some time, self-consciously pulling the hat down securely over her head. His presence was causing an overwhelming wave of fear and insecurity, and she felt like she was drowning in it, no longer herself. He would think it strange that she wasn’t moving from her half-hiding place.

"Wh-what’re you doing here?" She asked, a trembling terror beginning down in her knees, slowly spreading its way up her body.

Giles had begun to move toward her, but stopped when he heard her frightened question. She was afraid of him? This idea alone rendered him motionless

"Buffy, I want to talk…about last week. And about this afternoon." He began, vaguely aware that something was very wrong.

His slayer continued to linger in the shadows. He sighed, sliding his hands into his pockets. She was angry. Although he knew that technically she had no reason to be angry, in his heart he gave her every entitlement. Buffy owned a certain place in his life, in his heart, whether she knew it or not. And he’d been allowing Olivia to violate that space, knowing that it was Buffy’s alone. Maybe on some level his slayer knew this…and was being territorial?

She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. He was so close, too close to finding out. Close to seeing her weakness. Her inabilities as a slayer.

Her stomach heaved, and she was almost sick in that instant. She forced herself to draw a long, shuddering breath, which in the quietude of the cemetery sounded like a half sob.

Giles instinctively rushed forward, his hands finding a tentative resting place on her shoulders. She uttered a muffled cry of alarm. He was too near, and completely ignorant of anything going on right under his nose.

"Don’t" She warned him. "Don’t touch me." She knew that if those warm, soothing hands stayed on her, she’d forgive him and end up letting him convince her to forgive herself.

The order stung, but he obeyed, breaking the contact. Frustrated anger rose up in his chest. He hadn’t done anything but try to fix things with the girl, and here he sat, having to practically beg her to just look him in the face. That wasn’t too much to ask.

"Turn around." He told her. "I can’t see you."

Buffy shook her head. "No." She answered, the tremor in her voice more than a little noticeable. She braced herself, ready to run at any moment. If he made any movement at all, she was as good as gone.

"No!?" He asked incredulously. This was too much. "I’m your Watcher, and you can’t-"

"Excuse me?" Her voice was like ice. "No. You told me that you’re not my watcher anymore! Or is that only when you want to get rid of me so you can get laid." Saying it brought to the surface the things that she’d been trying to ignore since that day. She wanted to forget because it hurt, but he was forcing her to live that moment over and over again just by being there.

"What!?" Was his astonished cry. "Are you mad?! You’re still angry with me because I…" He was too used to being the watcher. He couldn’t talk about this with Buffy.

"What’s wrong? You can do it, but can’t say it?" She taunted him, pushing a little more. "You were so busy screwing another- " Her heart leaped into her throat as she realized what she had almost said.

Giles heard her sharp intake of breath, and felt his own. She surely hadn’t meant… "You’re angry because I was with a-a woman?" He asked carefully.

"No. I’m angry because you abandoned me, Giles, when I needed you. And you were wearing your robe!" She threw in irrationally.

"Buffy. Look at me! Why won’t you look at me? Was it that horrible to have to see me as a sexual person? So traumatic that you can’t even look at me now!?"

"No, Giles." Buffy was reaching her breaking point. What was she angry about? And why was life so unfair that she couldn’t even share the greatest hurt of her life with the only person who could truly take it away? It was too much to deal with right now. "I’m angry because-"

"Oh, Buffy, grow up!" he interrupted in disgust. Her insults were becoming tiresome, and, well…insulting. "This is ridiculous. My sacred duty does not require me to clear my date book with my slayer."

"No, but you’re supposed to protect me!" She challenged, trying to move further into the shadows, already planning her flight. His hands caught her arms tightly.

"Look at me!" He seethed. Was she trying to provoke him? Protecting her consumed his every waking thought, and he couldn’t believe that she’d every think differently. "I would give my life for you, I have given my life for you, so damn it- look at me when you accuse me!"

Buffy wrenched away from his grip, the fear of knowing what was coming breaking her last thread of control. A sob of fury escaped her,

"You want me to look at you!?" She stepped out of the shadows to face her watcher. "Here I am! Look at me!" Her whole body was shaking so hard that she felt like she might actually collapse right there on the grass.

Giles involuntarily stepped back, almost afraid of the intensity radiating from his slayer, and then he saw.

Her perfect face, terribly marred on one side, wounds that had healed, but left their signature, never to be forgotten. That sight was enough to break his heart, but the forlorn look in her eyes broke his heart and soul at once.

"Who did this to you!?" He roared, taking another step back, away from the source of his almost unbearable anguish.

She bowed her head, not missing his body language. The disappointment felt like it would kill her. She needed him now, not his anger, or questions, but to feel him touching her despite what she looked like. She’d imagined him holding her so tightly that she would actually begin to feel safe again.

"Who!?" He demanded, in a threatening tone. He didn’t know how she needed him right now, he hadn’t even grasped this as a reality yet.

"You." She said quietly, her shaky legs beginning to propel her backwards slowly, then faster as she affirmed her answer with a shout. "You did this, Giles!" She turned, picking up a full fledged run, knowing that he could never catch her.

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