Title: Belonging (2/12)
Author: Luisa
Email: leyjd@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine, they belong to Joss et al. I'm just playin' with them... giving them what they *really* want before handing them back as if they'd never been touched. <Innocent smile>
Feedback: Pretty, pretty please. with Giles on top?
So here she was again. Standing once more before that familiar door... too afraid to enter, or even to announce her presence with a knock.
It was silly, really, the logical part of her brain pointed out. After all, she'd visited him so many times previously; she had passed through this door countless times before with such bold familiarity. But this time... she just couldn't do it...she couldn't stroll in and act like nothing had happened... just like she couldn't every night since she'd come by and found him with... that woman. Buffy's eyes darkened at the memory. She recalled the hurt look in his eyes when she'd told him how 'gross' the thought of him having sex was... a pain shooting in her own heart at the recollection... how could she face him after that? She couldn't take back what she'd said, but she couldn't tell him the truth either.
So she'd stayed away...well, mentally and emotionally anyway. She'd gotten herself involved in as much as she could take on at College and found a steady boyfriend who... well, was a nice guy... but not the right guy for *her*. And the Slaying... well, she'd done what she needed to: kill the bad guys... but often she found she missed his presence - both within the team and by her side. She'd meant to stay away... really, she had. But her longing for this wonderful man had tugged so strongly at her heart that she found herself returning here night after night, just like in the old days when she'd 'report back' and he'd have a cup of cocoa waiting for her. Now all she did was sit and watch 'til the lights went out, just basking in the nearness of his presence.
Buffy settled herself on the stone centrepiece in the courtyard, watching the door as she usually did, picturing him inside. She wondered what he was doing. There was the faintest glow of light shining through the arched glass. She could tell it was coming from the desk lamp, and knew without a shadow of a doubt that he was researching something - she wasn't sure what, but that's what he was doing; researching... or reading. She smiled softly, picturing him in her mind; A mug of hot tea in one hand, book in the other, his glasses cast on the desk before him, lost in a world all his own. She closed her eyes, allowing the picture to evolve into fantasy, enveloping her desire within itself as she imagined creeping up behind her former Watcher and wrapping her arms around him, planting soft kisses along his jaw...
Former Watcher. The thought snapped her out of the fantasy and she opened her eyes suddenly, feeling a burning sensation behind her eyelids. Blinking quickly, she tried to stop the tears from falling but it was too late. They trickled freely down her cheeks in denial of her wishes.
[It's my own fault.] She brushed the tears away with the back of her hand, wishing in vain that she could do the same with the facts that saddened her now. [If I'd never quit the Council, we wouldn't be in this mess. When I insisted on working by myself, I ultimately chose to *be* by myself. I should've asked Giles to be my Watcher again - should've admitted I wanted him... *needed* him.] She blew out a long breath and leant back. [But instead I chose to look after Angel, to protect him... a guy who's old enough, strong enough and macho enough to fight his own battles... god, I've been so stupid.] She wanted to smack herself at her stupidity but the sudden loss of light halted her thoughts.
[Huh? I could swear Giles doesn't usually go to bed this early... I hope everything's okay.] A small frown crossed her pretty features as she checked her watch. She rattled it slightly and held it to her ear. [Definitely working then.] She looked up to the loft window and was surprised when after calculating the time it would take Giles to go upstairs; the 'bedroom' light still didn't come on. Frown deepening, she quietly hopped off the centrepiece and moved into the shadows beside the door.
Torn between worrying over the man she adored and the knowledge that she shouldn't even *be* here, she hovered there for long moments hoping that a light would come on somewhere. Slipping a hand into her pocket she closed her fingers around the small finger key that had lay there unused for months. [Maybe...] Just as she was deciding to risk it all by stealing uninvited into the apartment a thought struck her, stopping her in her tracks. [Of course... he's probably having a bath or something...] In the darkness of her hiding place she gave a sheepish smile to the night. [Wow, this must really be my night for getting stupid.] As a last precaution she decided she ought to risk a peek through the window. [After all, if he's in the bath, he'll never know... besides, I can't leave while there's the possibility that there could be something wrong...]
Turning thought into action, she silently crossed the threshold and leant against the wall beside the window. She took a deep breath and turned to face the window. At the exact same moment, a familiar face popped up from underneath the other side of the glass.