Title: Gratitude 3/3
Author: Luisa
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Joss and Mutant Enemy yada, yada. I
promise I’ll return them the way I found them. No infringement intended.
Feedback: Yes please!
Bright morning light shone unfiltered through the window as Willow played with Miss Kitty Fantastico on the floor of her dorm room. Suddenly she heard an insistent knocking on the door. There was a pause, and then the pounding resumed - harder, louder.
Willow got up and opened the door cautiously. Everyone she knew knocked once before walking straight in. She wondered who else might be visiting for a brief second, but upon opening the door Willows’ face lit up like the sun.
“Giles!” She exclaimed happily. “Come in, come in!” opening the door wider, she gestured for him to come inside.
“Tara’s out shopping at the moment, but she’ll be back soon. Would you like a coffee? Oh no, that’s right you drink tea, would you like tea, then? Or maybe just ice water? It is hot after all.” Willow babbled cheerfully as she sank into a chair.
“Giles, sit down” she tugged on his arm trying to pull him down, but he remained standing, considering how to approach this conversation.
“When you’ve quite finished Willow, you and I need to talk.” Giles teased.
Willow knew immediately what this was about and for her friend’s sake tried to feign ignorance.
“Sure Giles, what do you want to walk about?” She hoped she still sounded cheerful, unbothered.
“You know what” came his reply. She just smiled at him innocently.
“Willow,” he sighed wearily, bending over her slightly to lean on the arm of her chair. “I don’t want to ask again. Please tell me why Buffy has refused to train or patrol with me. Why won’t she even come into the Magic Box anymore?”
Still Willow remained silent. She knew it was an unkind thing to do, but she couldn’t betray Buffy’s trust, even if Giles _was_ (in her opinion) towering over her.
“Willow,” his voice now held a note of warning, “Will you please tell me what is going on. Now.”
She smiled meekly at him, “Giles, it’s not really my place to say.”
“But?” He emphasised the word heavily, knowing that Willow wasn’t very good at keeping secrets, and that given time, he could get her to ‘fess up.
Willow couldn’t believe his persistence, although she knew it was to be expected of any man who had received such a letter as Giles had.
“Can’t you figure it out?”
“Willow” he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose in exasperation, “If I could figure it out, do you really think I’d be here like this, now?”
She shook her head “I... I guess.”
Giles sighed again, deciding to give up on this idea. He should’ve known that Willow would be loyal to Buffy. He drew back and dropped into the opposite chair.
“I’m sorry Willow. I shouldn’t have tried to intimidate you. I just don’t understand what’s going on with Buffy right now. Is she under a spell? Have I done something to upset her? It feels... empty without her.”
“But Giles, she feels the same” Willow interrupted, “She hates being without you. She feels the emptiness too.”
“Then _why_?” he asked, pained.
“Men.” Willow huffed. “You just don’t get it, do you?” At his bewildered look she dropped her bombshell. “Buffy’s _in love_ with you.” Giles could only bark out a short laugh.
“In love with me? Willow, have you been drinking coffee again? The only ‘person’ Buffy will ever be in love with is Angel, and as far as I’m concerned, I’m just... just...” his voiced began to trail off and he sought anything to grasp as confirmation of denial, “I’m old and gross, remember?”
Willow shook her head slowly, a small hint of a smile playing around the corners of her mouth.
“You can’t use that as evidence Giles, she only said that because she was jealous”
“Jealous? Why on earth would she have been jealous? She’s an attractive young lady - she could have anyone she wants. I’m sure there are plenty of young men out there willing to…”
“She wasn’t jealous of the sex, Giles,” Willow interrupted, anger flaring in her green eyes. Why did all men think everything revolved around sex? “She was jealous of Olivia.”
Giles started choking with shock, but Willow continued, “Buffy wanted to be the one in your shirt, in your bed...” she paused, “And in your heart. Giles, Buffy’s been in love with you since the first second she laid eyes on you. I mean okay, first it was just a crush and we would compare fantasies about you - forget I ever said that - but after she saw you kissing Jenny in the library... well, everything changed. I know what you’re going to say, well don’t. I’m talking, so no interruptions.” She looked at him sternly.
He had finished choking and was simply looking at her with a look of utter confusion.
“Giles, the only reason she was with Angel was, well he was a substitute. She knew you could never love her. She thought Angel could make her forget about you - she even had me convinced until I caught her doodling BS loves RG in her math book one day. And Scott? Don’t make me laugh. Parker was the same. They were both a no-go from the start. I think she just wanted to forget everything that happened with Angel as result of loving you. I think if she were ever going to tell you how she felt, it would have been that night when Olivia was there. I think her heart split in two the minute you spoke to her the way you did. She kept you at arm’s length after that. I think it was just easier and... safer that way. She knew she wouldn’t get hurt. I mean, come on Giles, you can’t have missed the fact that everyone she cares about leaves her. Look at the evidence: first her mom and dad get divorced. Then Merrick dies and she moves here - away from her father. Then there was that whole thing with Angel going “Grrr” after they get snugly. Scott... well, he doesn’t really count. And let’s not forget the whole disaster that was Faith - after all Faith was the only one who understood Buffy completely. But then Faith went bad. No Giles, I know what you’re gonna say, and you’re wrong. You and me? We can’t possibly understand what it’s like to have Slayer strength and healing, or what’s it’s like to know you’re probably not going to make it past your eighteenth birthday.”
Willow paused, taking a deep breath before continuing.
“After that, Angel came back, only to leave Buffy _again_. So she turns to Parker, but he doesn’t count either ‘cause he was a poophead. Now, to top it all off, her mom dies. How do you think Buffy’s going to feel after all that? Do you really think she’s going to let anyone else get close? No, because she doesn’t want to have her happiness stolen away again. And you’re like her rock. She’s scared that if she lets you in as well, that she’ll lose you, too. So she’s distanced herself instead - after all, it’s easier to have you near but not near enough than to not have you at all. If you left I reckon she would kill herself - you’re her reason for living.”
Willow paused, as she let that information sink in.
“I suppose you’re wondering where Riley fits in. The answer is he never did. Not really. He was never a Scooby and he certainly wasn’t the great love of Buffy’s life - that space has your name on it - in fact she never loved him at all. Don’t you know that’s why he left? I guess for her, all he ever was... was just... safety, and protection and basically he was scratching her itch. I’m sorry, it sounds crude I know, but he knew that Buffy didn’t love him. He told Xander as much after Xander got split in half, but he never cared. I reckon he thought she would grow to love him. That or he would _make_ her. He never realised that the only person she could ever belong to is you. But then if you don’t talk to her, maybe she’ll never belong to anyone.”
She finished her impassioned speech with a glare at Giles who was still looking completely confused. Willow then got up, having placed the ball firmly in his court, and went to fill the kettle.
Having made two teas, she came back to find Giles staring into space.
“Giles?” still no reaction.
She placed his tea on the coffee table beside him, and resumed her seat in the facing chair, simply watching him.
After what seemed like endless hours of silence, Giles finally snapped out of it, reaching for his tea and sipping from it deep in thought.
“Giles?” Willow was beginning to get worried. Maybe she shouldn’t have told him.
He set his mug back, and leaned back into his seat, replacing his glasses and responding at last. “She loves me?” It came out as little more than a whisper.
“God Giles, I thought you were meant to be smart. Yes, she loves you. Yes she’s in love with you. Yes being without you is killing her, and yes the reason she almost got herself killed was because she thought you’d left her too.”
Willow figured she’d better shut up now. As much as she wanted the two to sort things out, she didn’t want Giles to be with Buffy out of guilt and fear.
Giles began mumbling something.
“Huh?”
“I said that explains the charged atmosphere after I rescued her, and... last night... It explains a lot actually.”
“What does what explain? Giles, you’re making no sense at all”
“No... no, I don’t suppose I am. I really had best be off… there are a few things that need to be said... I mean, sorted out.” He inhaled the rest of his tea, intent on a speedy exit.
“Giles, you’re not going to reject her, are you?” Willow hesitantly asked, afraid of the answer.
“Goodness, no. Why ever would you think that?”
“I don’t know, it’s just, you’re not exactly jumping up and down with joy at my revelation, you know.”
Giles appeared slightly put out by her suggestion.
“Willow, I care very deeply for Buffy and I would never reject her, or intentionally hurt her. As for ‘jumping up and down’: well, to say the very least this has come as a bit of a shock, and I’m still processing all the information you’ve just dropped on me.”
“Giles, do you love Buffy?”
“What?”
“I asked if you love her” Willow was getting impatient now and began fidgeting in her seat.
“I... er... I care for her”
“Giles,” this time it was her voice that held the note of warning, “If you don’t love her then stay away from her. Don’t offer her false hope. If you can’t be together, together then it’s best all round if you leave her alone. It’s not fair for her to be so near to you but not to have you. Don’t hurt her.”
Giles had withdrawn into himself again as she spoke, and when he replied Willow could hardly hear him.
“But not being with her hurts her as well... and it makes me feel empty too.”
“Which brings me back to my last question: Do you love her?”
“I don’t know.” The miserable look on his face aged his features by about ten years.
“Okay, let me put it this way: Do you ever fantasize about me?”
If it was possible, Giles looked even more shocked.
“For goodness’ sake, Willow. If I did, do you really think I could look you in the eye now? I just don’t think of you that way at all. And what’s this got to do with Buffy and I?”
“I’ll tell you in a minute. But first tell me, do you ever fantasize about Tara?”
“Willow, why are you asking me such absurd questions?”
“I’ll take that as a no. What’s your wildest fantasy about Anya?”
“That she would let me manage my own store and not scare the customers away. What is all this about? Get to the point.” Giles said wearily.
“What’s your wildest fantasy about Buffy?”
Giles swiftly stood, knocking his mug over in the process.
“That is an incredibly personal question, Willow, and also none of your bloody business. If you don’t mind, I have somewhere I need to be.”
Glaring at her with his infamous Ripper glare, he moved to the door without waiting for an answer. Willow just smiled sweetly at him and lifted her hand in a small wave.
As he opened the door, Tara came in.
“Hi Mr Giles” she greeted in her usual shy fashion, the words accompanied by a beautiful smile. Giles didn’t even notice. He just swept past her, out into the throng of students intent on finding Buffy.
Tara looked at Willow with wide eyes as she shut the door behind her.
“Was it something I said?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Giles stalked across the campus, fury coursing through him.
*Of course, how could I have been so stupid?*
It all added up, the looks she’d given him, the kisses she’d initiated, her sudden desire to stop working with him. He paused mid-stride as a fresh thought struck him.
She must have thought he’d rejected her - no wonder she couldn’t bear the thought of working together any more.
*What have I done? After all she went through with Angel - did she really love me all that time? - and then with Riley. And now she suffers my stupid, stupid rejection. How could I be so blind? Oh Buffy, I’m so, so sorry.*
He didn’t want to be responsible for her pain, yet he knew he was. He set off again, this time less of a stalk, more of a semi-jog, thoughts whirling through his brain. Pain was lancing his heart the more he thought of her suffering. This is the way it had always been. If he had to watch Buffy hurt, then he would hurt too. It was as if they were joined at the heart.
He contemplated that as he headed in the direction of her dorm room: the pull he’d been increasingly feeling toward her, the pain of her absence. All of a sudden everything clicked into place and he stumbled, tripping over his own feet and landing in a heap.
*Oh dear Lord.*
He fumbled for his glasses, reaffixing them in place and he hurriedly processed his realization. He was in love with Buffy. How could he have missed it? He loved her with a passion that burned his entire being. He returned again to his previous train of thought with disbelief.
*Oh dear Lord.*
Fury unexpectedly surged through him again, as he thought of how careless he’d been in his words and actions.
*She must think I hate her.*
Abandoning all thought but assuring Buffy of his love, he climbed to his feet and ran like the wind to get to her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A harried pounding on her door awoke Buffy from her tear-induced sleep.
“Go away” she mumbled into her pillow.
But the knocking didn’t go away, instead it increased in volume and intensity and she began to worry that her visitor would beat down the door.
“Hang on” she called out as she grabbed the corner of her sheet to clean off her tear stained face.
The knocker refused to be silenced, and she could hear neighbouring students start to yell: “Hey what is your deal, man?”
“Shut up! Some of us are trying to study!”
With a sigh she crossed the room and flung open the door, finding herself face to face with a large manly fist, which almost knocked on her on the forehead. The situation would have been funny had she not been so upset.
“What?” she demanded, fisting a hand on her hip as she raised her face to meet her visitors’ eyes.
“Giles? What the hell do you want? If this is about that letter, then just deal already. I don’t intend to talk about it.”
She began to close the door, when he stopped her. He spoke just her name, but the note of desperation in his voice tore at her heart enough to make her open the door again. This time she really looked at him.
He was leaning against the doorframe, catching his breath - he had obviously been running. His hair was windblown so that it stuck out in every direction and his glasses were so skewed they looked like they would fall off any second. She watched as he absentmindedly reached up a hand to straighten them.
“God, Giles what have you been doing? You look you’ve run a marathon. Actually no, you look worse, like you’ve been dragged though a hedge backwards.” *Yeah right buff, like he could ever look anything but incredibly handsome and damn sexy*
“Buffy... Can I...” he cleared his throat “Can I come in?”
“Why? What do we have to talk about?” The pain in her voice was evident, but her tone had softened considerably as she regarded him with open curiosity.
“I think you’d rather we have this discussion in private” he muttered as students passing in the corridor stared at them with undisguised interest.
“Fine.” The harsh tone was back, as she built a wall around her heart again, reluctantly letting him into her room.
She sat on her bed, watching as he began pacing.
“So, you gonna talk to me? Or do I have to beat it out of you?”
Her attempt at humour was ignored as he sat down on the opposite bed seeming to think for a moment before resuming pacing. She continued to watch, wondering what on earth had possessed her usually calm Watcher.
*He wasn’t so calm when you hurt him yesterday at the Magic Box* a little voice in the back of her head reminded her.
“Stop it!” she reprimanded out loud and Giles looked at her bewildered.
Then without any warning whatsoever, he fell to his knees before her, wrapping his arms around her tiny frame.
*What the Hell?*
“Giles?” she questioned softly, but no answer came, so she simply held him as he hugged her.
“Giles? Are you ok?” She asked again, keeping her voice gentle.
A small, stifled sound escaped him and she wondered for a brief moment what it was before she heard it again and it struck her that Giles, her normally together Watcher was sobbing into her embrace. She hugged him tighter as he continued to cry, before pushing him away slightly so she could look into his eyes.
“Giles? What’s wrong? Please tell me. I can’t help if I don’t know what’s wrong.”
He couldn’t answer if he’d tried. All coherent thought flew from his head as he found himself drowning in those familiar eyes, love radiating from them, piercing his heart. Instead a fresh tear trickled down his cheek, and then, “Oh, Buffy” he buried himself in her comforting embrace again. As he knelt between her legs sobbing his heart out, she rested her chin on his head in confusion.
“Shh, Giles, it’s okay.” Buffy tried to soothe wondering again what she was reassuring him of.
“Giles, please don’t cry; we can work it out. We always have before.”
She started stroking his hair as she talked, trying to get it to all go in the same direction again. She felt utterly helpless; the man who had always been her rock, her foundation was falling apart in her arms.
As his sobs quieted, she had an idea, “Rupert - I mean, Giles, would you like me to make you a cup of tea?”
He wanted to say yes, wanted to forget his pain and guilt in a strong tea, but he knew she deserved far more than that. So he just drew back onto his heels and gazed into her eyes, finding himself lost in them once again. He finally found his voice enough to whisper to her.
“I’m so sorry, Buffy.”
*Sorry? Whatever is he sorry for? I thought he’d be mad at me.*
She pulled him back to her, holding him for long moments, letting the silence wash over them therapeutically before she asked affectionately, “What are you sorry for Giles?”
He remained silent, unable to hope that she would forgive his thoughtlessness or believe that he loved her.
Okay, now she was totally baffled.
“Giles. Giles look at me. Giles, you’ve got to tell me what’s going on in that smart brain of yours, cause I sure as hell can’t figure it out.” She continued to talk in that soft, sympathetic voice, and he couldn’t help but lift his head.
“Buffy...” it came out as a moan, and he again cleared his throat, trying to collect himself.
“You know, I think I will have that tea, after all.” He conceded, attempting to buy some extra thinking time. *How can I convince her of how I feel, without sounding as if I’m only saying it to make her feel better?*
Buffy sighed and rose to switch on the electric kettle.
He smiled to himself as he sat on the floor, watching her. He decided there and then that he could happily spend the rest of his life watching her puttering around, and as he thought about it, he resolved not to waste any more time.
“Buffy.”
“Yes, Giles?” She replied distractedly as she poured out the hot water.
“I love you.”
Crash. The kettle dropped onto the work surface, knocking the mugs to the floor and spilling its contents everywhere.
Buffy whirled around, her heart hammering in her chest, as she clutched at the worktop to keep her upright, ignoring the boiling water soaking into the carpet at her feet.
“What did you say?”
He studied the myriad of emotions pass over her face: hope, fear, doubt, hope again as she warred with herself, then disbelief. His voice was gentle as he replied, “I said I love you.”
The strength in her legs gave out completely and she would have fallen onto the stained carpet had he not caught her.
“Buffy.” His voice was worried as he carried her back to her bed and rested her on it, kneeling once more beside her.
Her eyelids fluttered shut, and she took deep breaths, trying to regain control of her body.
“Giles, just to be sure that I’m not going insane and hearing things, would you mind saying that again, please?”
He gave a small smile.
“Buffy... I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through these last couple of days. I never meant to hurt you. I can’t believe everything I’ve said. How stupid I’ve been! And to say you were under a spell! I’m so, so sorry for all the hurt that insult must have caused you...”
“Cut to the chase Giles, and just repeat what you said already” Buffy interrupted, a smile growing on her face and her heart expanding with love.
“No Buffy,” Giles insisted as sternly as possible, despite the twinkle in his eye, “You seem to have forgotten that when your Watcher speaks, you should listen, not interrupt.”
She rolled onto her side and nodded her acceptance gesturing for him to continue.
“Well, Buffy, it appears that if you are under a spell, then I am too.”
He grinned and his voice softened, “I’m under _your_ spell. Buffy, please forgive me for being so blind. I’ve been in love with you since I’ve known you, yet I’ve only just managed to realise it. Every time you touched me, something responded deep inside me, but I could never explain it. It was far easier to ignore than to explain anyway. Every time we’ve been apart, I’ve felt like a part of my soul was missing. I just don’t understand how I couldn’t have seen this. It’s like waking from a deep sleep. Buffy, you are my reason for living, and I never appreciated that until now. I’ve hurt you and let you down so many times. Please, please forgive me for not seeing it sooner.”
Buffy couldn’t help but interrupt, “Giles, why are you telling me this? Last night I left you a letter explaining that I didn’t want to see you again... didn’t you get it?”
He pulled it out of his pocket. “Yes, I received it. And do you know what I intend to do with it?”
Intrigued, she shook her head no. In reply, he tore it in two, then he repeated the action with each half, and then for good measure, he ripped the remaining portions into shreds.
Buffy’s eyes grew wide. “Giles,” she began in an awed voice, “What are you doing?”
“I believe I’m proving my point that nothing will ever separate me from you again, Buffy.”
“Oh.” For a moment she was speechless. *I don’t get it. Where has this come from?*
She decided to voice her concern, “You seem awfully confident. I seem to remember you looking at me in disgust when I kissed you last night. In fact I’m sure you ran away from me in horror, if my memory serves me right. Why would you want me all of a sudden? Why would I believe that you love me?” Her voice had become hard and bitter.
He lowered his eyes and clasped her hand as he said quietly but assuredly, “Because you love me too.”
Buffy’s eyes narrowed. “You’ve spoken to Willow, haven’t you?”
His suddenly flushed face was confirmation. She wanted to get mad, but she couldn’t. Suddenly it was all too funny. A small giggle escaped her.
Giles looked up in surprise. “Buffy, what...?”
She couldn’t answer him, the laughter bubbling out of her. Why was she still wasting time? At last she had him within her reach yet she had still pushed him away. She continued to laugh even more when she saw the baffled look on Giles’ face. The ache and emptiness were leaving her body at last, and happiness was overflowing her soul instead.
“Oh, Giles...” she breathed as she swung her legs over the side of the bed, catching her breath.
She flung her arms around his neck, drawing him once again to her. Then she corrected herself, “Rupert...”, the first verbal use of his name sending shocks through her body. He felt them too, and instinctively pressed close to her, whispering her name in reply.
As her lips descended toward his, she paused halfway and murmured, “I love you so much, Rupert.”
“And I love you” his reply was quick in his haste to greet her lips, and they met in a tender kiss that lasted minutes but felt like eternities.
A deep peace swept through their souls, and their lips met in another kiss. Sparks began to fly, as the kisses brought their emotions to the surface and they could see the love they held for each other in the others’ eyes.
At last they came up for air and Buffy pulled back slightly, “Rupert, you have to know how sorry I am about the last couple of days. I’ve been so selfish...”
“Shh.”
He placed a finger on her lips, “I’m just as sorry for being so harsh. Let’s forget it and just kiss and make up now, shall we?”
“Mmm,” she smiled against his finger, “Sounds like a good idea to me.”
So they did just that.
END