Title: Confessions
Series: The Unexpected Series (Story 12)
Author: M. Jade
Summary: Willow comes to a sad point in her life
Rating: PG
Email: If you have comments or suggestions, email me at jaderozegirl@yahoo.com
Feedback: Hate is not cool, but otherwise, tell me what ya think
Disclaimers: BtVS is the property of that genius
crack head we all love, Joss Whedon, and not me. I do, however, own
Michaela and Neil, and you can’t have them.
Distribution: My Site, Strange Brew, Willow’s
‘Lil Secret, anyone else who asks
Notes: This is the twelfth and final chapter
of the “Unexpected” series. Takes place roughly eight years after
“Final Days.” It’s tres sad, so a tissue warning is in effect.
You’ve been warned.
What am I to do with myself, Rupert? It’s been nearly eight years since you left me, but I still come here far more often than I should. I’m too afraid that if I stop coming here, I’ll forget you. That I’ll forget all those wonderful years we had together. Afraid that I’ll forget my heart and lose it to the grief. You see, love, I’m here because you are my heart, the one thing that keeps me going. When I’m here, I can feel you, almost touch you, and taste your kisses. Goddess, I miss that. Most of all, I miss being able to hear your voice, and knowing you’re there.
Xander says hi. He’s in some major talks now with some big publisher from LA for his latest book, and it looks like my bestest bud has another hit on his hands. Many of the publishing houses are practically drooling over his manuscript and all they can see are dollar signs, and plenty of them. And the best part is that it’s a fabulous vampire novel that could rival that of Anne Rice. I guess you could say that all our years on the Hellmouth are finally turning a profit. Xander dedicated his novel to you, Rupert, his true father figure. Anya told him it was too corny, but Kelly convinced his father to leave it. He knew how much you meant to Xander. Now you can say you’re immortalized in the pages of a potential best seller. Kelly himself has a great job in New York now, do you remember me telling you about it, and from what I hear he and Jessica are expecting another baby. I think Xander is fairly excited about being a grandfather again, but he has a hard time admitting it. I think he sees it as a reminder of just how short our time is.
They all know I come out here, Xander and the others. Buffy sometimes comes with me, but you know how busy the chief of police can be, and of course Mike is too far away to be here. Your daughter is making quite a name for herself in the Council. Word has it that she will be the next Slayer’s Watcher. She has so much of your spark Rupert, and I’m sure she’ll do a fantastic job, just like her father. The children are doing wonderful as well. They’re growing so fast. Mike and Neil sent me their latest photos just last week, and you’d be surprised. Gabe looks so much like his father, and Emma is becoming a miniature female version of you. You would not believe how tall your grandson is now and how athletic. This year it’s soccer, and from what Mike tells me, he’s very good. Emma is busy with her first play. They’re putting on “Peter Pan” at her school and Emma got the part of Wendy. Mike tells me that she’ll even sing a few numbers, and she has such a pretty voice, just like her mother and grandfather. I heard her sing when they visited last Christmas, and I’m sure you’d be very impressed. I’ll make sure I bring by a playbook for you once Mike sends me one.
So you know that life goes on, even without the Watcher. Angel and the others are keeping up the otherworldly PI thing in LA, as you may know. Mike talked to them again last week to wish Wesley a happy birthday, but they haven’t visited town since the funeral. I think it hurts them too much. Maybe they think it will hurt me too much.
I know they had nothing to do with it, but I can’t help but cry when I think about it. Angel was the one who was with you in the end, not me, so how is it fair? If you had a decent answer for that, I’d like to know, because I can’t find one. Mainly, I’m mad at myself. I shouldn’t have gone off to help Wesley when I did, I should never have left you when you were so sick, but I can’t go back and change that now, can I? You were so insistent that I go on with the mission, that I complete it, that I couldn’t possibly have turned you down. And in the end, that’s what it came down to. Angel still sends me a card every once in awhile to let me know he’s thinking of me. A thoughtful vampire, who knew? But I guess that’s Angel for you.
I know Mike wishes she could see you more often. She does come down when she visits and has a chance, to catch a private moment with you, but it doesn’t happen often. There’s so much going on for her. Her position on the Council, Neil’s new job at the Consulate, and all the kids’ activities. She knows how often I come here, that I spend time with you. I know she worries about her old Mom. Mike tells me that I need to get out more often. I tried taking up that assistant librarian position at the public library to take up some of my extra time, but the people who work there seemed so hateful. They’re snide and mean and I don’t like them. Maybe I’ll try starting a Wicca group or even a coven for some of the older witches around here. Goddess knows there’s enough to do it. What do you think?
At least the others are getting along well. All the kids are grown now, Rupert. They’re adults now with lives and some families of their own. I can’t believe that we’re so scattered to the winds. We’re all grandparents now, even Wesley and Faith. It’s hard to believe they’re still married, but then again it was hard for some people to believe we were married ourselves. We were always the odd couple of the bunch, but that was just the way I liked it. As long as I was with you, odd was just fine.
I’ve thought about leaving Sunnydale. I haven’t told you, but I nearly left this place last month after I found a great offer for a franchise in San Diego. I came this close to taking it and moving away. I nearly left you, Rupert, but I know I’m not ready. Not yet. Maybe some day I will be, but I can’t force myself to turn away. You were my life for so long, how can I possibly find another that can compare? You were everything to me, and there is nothing I can see that could possibly fill the void you left.
Don’t worry about me, though. The others still treat me like I’m some fragile china doll, ready to break at the first tumble, but you always knew better. I was never some fragile little thing you had to protect. I was your partner, the one you looked to when you needed the strength. Did I ever tell you how much that meant to me? You were the only person to see me as strong, but it was all because you believed that I was strong. I never had to convince you that I could make it. I don’t I need to now.
That doesn’t mean that it hurts any less to be here without you. I feel like a piece of my soul has been ripped away and I can’t seem to find it no matter how hard I look, even after all this time. You took a part of me with you, Rupert. A part of me I’ll never get back. Is this what it was like when you lost Jenny? Goddess, I know that’s morbid, but you were the only one of us who had to lose someone that you loved. Even when Oz left me, there was always the knowledge that he was out there, somewhere, living his life. Sometimes at odd moments I still catch myself thinking, “Rupert would know what to do.” Then I remember that you can’t help me anymore. That’s when I cry.
I don’t feel so sad quite as often anymore, though. I really think these talks with you help. I can’t let go of you in one great motion like they seem to want me to. No, it has to be slowly, on day at a time. I think of it as the Twelve-Step Program for Widows. Thirty years. We had thirty years together, my love. Others would consider themselves lucky to even have that, but it’s not enough for me. We should have had more time together. You were supposed to see me go gray, dammit. It still hasn’t happened. My stubborn hair refuses to do it, but that’s not the point. You were supposed to be here for me, Rupert. I wanted you to see me retire and the grandkids graduate from school and to see Mike become Ms. Watcher Extrordinaire it and so many other things.
These are supposed to be my golden years, but it’s not starting out that way. Without you, what is there to shine? Of course I still miss you terribly. I haven’t stopped missing you. Not for one day. Do you remember what you told me about that fateful night all those years ago? The night we fell in love? The truth knows no bounds, and neither does love. For me, you were that love, Rupert. All those years, and you still acted like it was some great mystery. I meant what I told you that night, love. I loved you that day and for so many before that and for every one after. Maybe someday, I’ll be able to tell you just how much. For now, I have to settle on talking to you here. I’ll have to live with the small comfort of your memory.
******************************************************
--Rupert Eugene Giles
1956-2031
Beloved husband, son, father, and friend.
Always the super librarian
END