Title: Atonement, Part 3/?
Author: Neena (varscona_pal@yahoo.ca)
Overall rating: NC-17
Pairing: Giles/Angel
Summary: Angel returns to Sunnydale intent on saving Giles’ life and making amends, but discovers that his good intentions may bring about more suffering than either of them can handle.
Setting: Season four of BtVS, season one of AtS.
Warning: Slash and a little angst.
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Kuzui, Fox, ME, Sandollar, etc. own the rights to the characters in this story, but I’m happy to live in their shadow.
“Now, when it says ‘pure-blood’ demon…do you think I qualify? Maybe demons with souls don’t count.” Angel knew it sounded like he was chickening out, and maybe he was…a little.
“You qualify,” said Giles in a voice that made it clear he wished it was otherwise. “Buffy had no trouble leaving the chamber. So, unless she’s been sexually active with another demon without my knowing…”
“She hasn’t. She wouldn’t,” said Angel adamantly.
“Then apparently you’re demon enough for the job.”
“Hang on,” said Angel. “That last part…the bit where it says ‘til he be well-sated’…Does the ‘he’ mean me or you?”
“Assuming that the chosen victims were traditionally young women, I think it’s safe to say the ‘he’ refers to you.”
“But you’re not a hundred percent sure.”
“I doubt very much if the victims’ pleasure was of much concern to them.”
“Is that a risk you’re willing to take?” asked Angel. “Buffy told me on the drive down that the last jolt you got from that thing nearly killed you. Do you think you could survive another one?”
“Even if you’re right, it makes little difference. It’s hardly likely I’ll ever be ‘well-sated’ with you, is it?” said Giles, then muttered, “Dear God, I can’t believe I’m having this conversation.”
“Not like it’s a walk in the park for me, either,” Angel mumbled, and looked sheepishly at his feet when Giles shot him a glaring look.
“You can leave anytime you like. Don’t let me stop you.”
“I can’t do that, and you know it,” said Angel.
“If you’re worried about Buffy, you needn’t be. I’m sure she’ll survive,” said Giles.
“This isn’t about me and Buffy; this is about you and me. This is about me trying to put things right between us,” said Angel. “I know you haven’t forgiven me for what happened last year.”
“You never asked me for forgiveness. As I recall it, you came to me begging for help instead.”
“Would you have forgiven me if I’d asked?”
Giles’ answer was a stony glare and an even stonier silence.
“I suppose I deserve the silent treatment,” said Angel.
“You suppose? Maybe your time in Hell has corrupted your memory. Or perhaps to you I’m just one more of Angelus’ faceless victims,” said Giles bitterly. “Do you know my wounds haven’t fully healed yet? It’s been almost a year, and the scars haven’t even begun to fade. Almost a year, yet to me it seems like yesterday.” Angel tried to speak, but Giles was on a roll and picking up speed. “Did you really think that coming here…putting me in this situation…would somehow make me want to forgive you for the atrocities you committed?”
“I came here to save your life,” Angel snapped defensively. He quickly back-pedalled: “I had no choice—it’s not like I could just sit back and let you get slaughtered—I figured I at least owed it to you to save you from certain death. Anyways, we’ve been through this already. I don’t want to be here. You don’t want to be here. So maybe we should just face the fact that we have no choice and get on with it.” Angel took a step towards Giles, but he backed away quickly, nearly stumbling over one of the backpacks on the floor.
“I thought you were on board with this,” said Angel.
“Forgive me if this is difficult for me,” said Giles wryly. “I guess I’ve got some trust issues.”
Angel hesitated, wondering if his only course of action would be to take Giles by force. The thought did not sit well with him, but if Giles refused to cooperate, it might come down to that. He took another cautious step forward and was relieved that Giles was holding his ground.
“Okay,” said Angel soothingly, “we’ll take it slow. No rush—plenty of time before sunset.” Angel took another baby step closer, then another. When at last they wee standing face to face, Angel brought his hand up to Giles’ cheek.
Giles’ pulse was racing so fast that Angel honestly feared he might have a coronary before they even got started. He carried on, though, knowing that if he kept backing off they would never go through with it. He slowly slipped his hand behind Giles’ neck and nudged him closer. Giles’ panic was tangible as their lips brushed together, and Angel’s heart sank to hear the other man let loose a helpless whimper. It pained him beyond words to think that he was responsible for breaking one of the bravest men he’d ever known. Angel pulled back, starting to lose his nerve.
Giles’ expression was inscrutable—there was too much going on behind his green eyes to pin down what exactly he was thinking. But amidst the expected panic and turmoil there was a powerful resolve and a hidden reserve of strength. This time it was he who brought their lips together, and even though his heart was still pounding with dread of what was to come, he refused to shy away.
Their tongues met almost by accident, and the surge of fear Giles got from the contact was strong enough that even Angel could taste the metallic tang of it. The kiss turned into a kind of battle, with advancing and retreating taking place on both sides. Neither one of them was willing to admit defeat.
It was Giles who finally was the first to pull away, and for a while neither of them could speak. It was as if they both knew that words could only serve to make things worse. Without a word, Giles removed his glasses and placed them on the altar next to his notebook. Without a word, Angel held out his hand and Giles accepted it. They silently made their way over to the air mattress Xander had so thoughtfully provided, and there they stood. Silently. And with no clue how to proceed.
Buffy returned to the dorm room she shared with Willow and dropped thankfully onto her bed.
“Hey, Buffy,” said Willow from her bed. Buffy cocked her head in her roommate’s direction. Was that a guilty tone in her voice?
“Hey, Willow,” Buffy answered, her own voice indicating that she was so on to her.
“Alright…stop with the third degree, already,” said Willow. “If you really must know, I’ve been doing a little research while you were gone.”
Buffy perked up. “So…great! Did you find out anything about this ‘Free Bone’ ritual thing?”
“I’m afraid so,” said Willow mysteriously. “Giles has all the books on the temple with him, but I looked up the words ‘Freb-Ont’ online, and I came across a site called “The Brotherhood of the Freb-Ont”. At first I thought it was a neo-Nazi thing, ‘cause it kept referring to its followers as ‘pure-bloods’.”
“Giles said he needed me to bring him a ‘pure-blood’ demon,” said Buffy, and she climbed off her bed to join Willow on hers.
“Right. But the site looked pretty innocent—demon-wise, I mean—until I found a secret door. Check it out.” Willow couldn’t help beaming a little at her own cleverness, despite the gruesome discovery she’d made. On her laptop, Willow dragged the cursor over the screen until one of the letters in the text flickered. She clicked on it and it brought up a new page.
“Oh… Eww!” said Buffy as pictures of past sacrifices appeared on the screen, complete with bubble captions above the victims’ heads. “And kind of tacky.”
Next to her, Willow was nibbling nervously at her lip, waiting for Buffy to notice that all the victims in the pictures were being raped by demons as well as tortured, and the number of times the word ‘virgin’ appeared in the captions. It took a moment, but soon she could see her friend’s expression slowly morph into one of confusion.
“Willow…?” she asked.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have shown you this,” said Willow, her large eyes filled with worry. “I knew I shouldn’t have shown you this. I…I’m sure it’s not as bad as it looks,” she said lamely.
“I don’t get it,” said Buffy, frowning. “Giles isn’t a virgin.”
Willow bit her lip more forcefully—Buffy still didn’t get it, and she was worried she might have to explain. But Buffy looked at her, her mind working furiously, and almost immediately her eyes widened in horror.
“Angel!” Buffy breathed.
Willow nodded mutely, not wanting to say anything that might make it worse.
“Oh, God…Angel and Giles…” said Buffy. She was clearly in a state of shock. “We’ve got to get Angel out of there! We have to find another demon!”
“It’s too late,” said Willow. “By the time we find another demon and get to the temple it’ll be too late—Giles has to be out of there before sunset.”
Buffy sat quietly for a while, her eyes slowly filling with tears. “Giles will never forgive me for this,” she whispered, and she was grateful to have her best friend there, holding her and letting her cry. Glad that she hadn’t got the lecture she knew she deserved.
Long minutes ticked by as Angel and Giles continued standing mutely by the mattress, stuck in a stalemate. Angel was waiting for Giles to make the first move, trying to give him as much control over the situation as possible. But Giles hadn’t budged an inch—it was like he was literally frozen in place.
“Giles…?” said Angel finally, breaking the silence. Giles didn’t respond; he just stood staring at the mattress like a rabbit pinned by the headlights of an oncoming truck. “Rupert,” said Angel more loudly. The reaction he got couldn’t have been more severe if he’d slapped him across the face.
Giles’ eyes snapped up to meet Angel’s with a venomous look. “Don’t call me that.”
“Sorry…Giles…” said Angel. “I just thought, under the circumstances…”
“Just don’t…please,” said Giles more softly.
Angel nodded solemnly. “You know, I don’t want to push you, but we really don’t have a whole lot of time here,” he said.
Now it was Giles’ turn to nod, but he could no longer meet the vampire’s gaze, which was filled with sympathy and kindness. Giles wanted to hold on to his anger—it made him feel less…vulnerable. Take away the anger and all that was left was the fear.
Giles licked his dry lips, tasted Angel there, and felt his stomach turn. “Angel, I can’t. I can’t do this,” he said. “I thought I could, but I just can’t.” The words tumbled out of him, spurred on by his growing panic.
“Shhh, Giles,” whispered Angel, and he gathered him into his arms.
Giles struggled to pull free with everything he had, but Angel’s arms were wrapped vice-like around him.
“Let me go!” he pleaded. “Goddammit, Angel—let me go!” Angel’s grip only got tighter the more he fought it, and eventually he had to give up or risk having his ribs crushed.
When Giles at last stopped struggling, Angel loosened his grasp and looked him in the eyes: “You can do this,” he said, and he kissed him. Angel hated what he was doing to him—he knew that Giles wasn’t ready—but he also knew that Giles was not capable of making the first move.
Giles resisted at first, his body tense and ready to bolt at the slightest opportunity. It took a while before his panic subsided enough for his brain to take charge. Very slowly, he forced himself to relax into Angel’s embrace, forced himself to give Angel’s probing tongue access to his mouth. Never in his life had he felt more conflicted—his survival instincts were telling him to run as far and as fast as he could from his only shot at survival.
Angel was greatly relieved that Giles had finally stopped fighting him. The need for force gone, his kisses became softer and less demanding, and he was able to let Giles go long enough to remove his leather jacket. When he moved to unbutton Giles’ shirt, however, Giles pulled away. He thought he’d lost him again, but Giles surprised him and continued to unbutton his shirt on his own. Angel followed suit, quickly shedding his clothes onto the cold stone floor until he and Giles were both down to their underwear.
Giles said nothing; he just lay down on the mattress, his arms crossed protectively over his naked chest. The cool, musty air had him shivering in seconds, but as Angel crawled along the mattress and on top of him, looking as predatory as a panther, the cold air was no longer the only thing making him shiver. The air mattress bulged under their combined weight, jouncing him with every movement of Angel’s advance.
Angel wanted to tell Giles to relax, but so far, speaking had proven disastrous, so he kept his mouth shut. When he was once again eye-to-eye with him, Angel lowered himself enough so that their bodies made contact. So far so good, he thought. Again their mouths met in a kiss deeper and less self-conscious that their previous attempts. Apart from Giles’ increased heart rate things were going smoothly…until Angel’s mouth strayed from Giles’, licking and kissing a path down to his throat.
Giles immediately seized up and pushed Angel away. It was bad enough having to have sex with his ex-torturer, but lying naked and vulnerable while a vampire licked at his throat was an affront to everything he’d been taught, everything that made him what he was—a watcher.
It didn’t take Angel long to figure out the reason for Giles’ strong reaction. He mentally kicked himself for going for the neck—to him it was a turn-on, but to Giles it was obviously a threat. Angel tried to convey his apologies with his eyes, and he thought he saw an answering acceptance in Giles’.
More slowly now, Angel continued his trail of kisses, bypassing the throat and beginning at the collarbone. Giles timidly removed his arms from across his chest to allow Angel access. That didn’t mean he was starting to relax; as soon as his hands were free they clutched onto the blanket with a death grip.
Angel pretended not to notice how Giles’ knuckles grew whiter the closer he came to the band of his underwear. So he was hardly surprised, when he eased the cotton briefs down Giles’ legs, to find his ministrations had had little effect.
Giles looked down the length of his body to where Angel was crouched over him, pondering the next course of action. Their eyes met again, and this time Giles was the one sporting the look of apology.
“I told you it wouldn’t work,” said Giles.
“Don’t write me off yet,” said Angel. “We’re just getting started. And I’ve learned a few things over the centuries. Trust me…this’ll work.”