TITLE: Conjuring 5/6
AUTHOR: Rari Coss
E-MAIL ADDRESS: RariCoss1956@yahoo.com
DISCLAIMER: It all belongs to Joss, the WB, UPN, Fox, Mutant Enemy and anybody else who feels they own it. I’m just borrowing, lost in admiration, and then giving them back, memories wiped clean. Except for Giles. Joss just sold him to me for quite a bargain. So, him I’m keeping. Just kidding.
FEEDBACK: Absolutely.

Buffy just ran at first, as if she could run away from the entire situation if she could just go fast enough or far enough. Finally she slowed down and just walked quickly, no particular destination in mind, not that she could have had one even if she wanted one. She had no idea where she was, what there was around to see.

Finally she found a small park and finding a bench she sat down. Giles was in love with her. And he had found it so horrible that he had essentially chosen not to exist any more. The Buffy Summers charm continued. She thought Riley had gone far away but he was an amateur compared to Giles.

She didn’t know where to start. Nothing about this felt good to her. It would be different if Giles were waiting for her in his apartment. If she could hold him and rest her head on his chest while she worked this through. If she could feel his arms hold her closely, listen to him breath, his chest rising and falling. Have him try and stutter his way through an explanation. It would be so easy then. They’d work it through, eating their jelly donuts, him making them tea. But he wasn’t. The only one making tea back from where she had just fled was Zurvan.

Buffy tried to remember the last time she had really touched Giles. Certainly when he had first returned from England. Those few minutes while he had held her had been the safest she had felt from the time she had been brought back to now. She certainly hadn’t felt safe in Spike’s arms. She hadn’t been able to let her guard down for a second. Buffy hadn’t felt safe at all except that night, and the night she’d been with him and he’d given her that money. The night she had told him that having him around was like having her mom back. Buffy let out a rueful laugh. If only she’d known.

But what if she had known? What if that night he had told her that instead of being a rakish uncle that he wanted to be her lover? Buffy felt a moment of sadness when she had to honestly admit that it would have made her angry. It would have felt like one more expectation, one more thing that somebody wanted her to do, to be, when all she wanted was to rest, to be in heaven again, to be free of all responsibility.

Giles had been right. She hadn’t been in any shape to discuss it, to even hear it. And yet, nothing had made her more desolate than him leaving. Was it just about being safe? Is that all he meant to her? She knew the answer to that was no, but she wasn’t sure how to define what he was to her. She wasn’t sure what he could be.

And he’d know. He always knew when she was off. There was no way she could go back and tell that him that she loved him and she wanted him and for him to come out, not unless she meant it. Besides, if she did that and it was a lie, and she hurt him like that, she’d throw herself out the window and save Ethan the trouble. That would be beyond cruel.

She knew she longed to touch him. Ever since he had held her that night in the Magic Box, a part of her had wanted to be in his arms. And after he had left she thought about it all the time. Buffy tried to imagine him touching her. Engaging in…mating rituals. Buffy blushed but she stuck with it. It was easier than she thought it would be. It was much easier than imagining herself with Spike again. It would be weird but it wouldn’t be bad. In fact, it might be nice. It might be nice to have someone touch her that knew her so well, someone who accepted her for what she was.

She felt an unexpected warmth pool in her lower body as she thought of Giles’ hands and what they might do to her, and as she thought of him lying on top of her. She felt a longing to be next to him, to be as close to him as she could be. To feel his gentleness coupled with his strength, to see a smile on his face, to see him smile at her, for her. To see him happy.

But would it make her happy? Would this be enough for her? Could she take him home and commit to him, deal with what the gang might say, what Dawn might say? With a flash of anger she realized that she didn’t give a shit what any of them said. If this were what she chose to do they’d have to deal. Besides Buffy was pretty sure that Dawn would be secretly delighted to have Giles back. Of course, Giles would need to deal with Dawn. But that didn’t really concern Buffy too much, not now that she knew why he had really left. Taking care of Dawn had been a convenient excuse but she guessed that he’d probably resented it more because Buffy had treated him like her personal slave because somehow she had known she could. Which she still might, but now he’d get something out of it.

The whole thing felt so cold and clinical to Buffy for a minute. Is that all there was to it? She’d offer him what he wanted and he’d come home with her? For that he’d choose to live again? She shook her head. She was missing something. Buffy reviewed Zurvan’s words. Giles was in love with her. Love.

Suddenly it all snapped into place and Buffy almost laughed out loud. There had been something else she had felt when he had held her. It wasn’t just about being safe. It was about being loved, and loving back. Giles loved her, and she loved him. That’s what it was about. With that thought came the emotion, rich and pure, cleansing her, filling her with hope and faith in a future she could believe in. Energized beyond belief she started running back, as fast as she could.

***

Buffy burst back into the apartment. She sought out Ethan and when she saw him she smiled at him, really smiled at him. “I can do this.”

Ethan was taken aback at her smile, at the genuine affection and delight on her face. “What can you do?”

“I can love him. I love him.” She laughed.

Ethan felt some hope begin to rise within him. “You mean…?”

She nodded. “I mean.” She walked over to Zurvan and she frowned. Somehow she had forgotten. Somehow a part of her had been thinking that Giles would be here. Buffy had forgotten that any declarations of love would have to be made to, well, to Zurvan. Hesitating she glanced at Ethan. “I…”

“Tell him.”

She grimaced. “I can’t. Not with you watching.” She gestured at Zurvan. “I can hardly bear to do it with him watching.” Buffy grabbed Zurvan’s hand. “Come on.”

“Where are we going?”

“In the bedroom. I need some privacy for this.”

“Buffy.”

Buffy turned back to Ethan and she smiled softly at him. “I’ll call for you. If he comes out I’ll tell you right away, I promise.”

Ethan let out a breath and nodded. He watched her as she dragged Zurvan into the bedroom and then he went and fixed himself a drink.

***

Buffy turned to Zurvan and screwed her mouth up, thinking. She pushed him down to sit on the bed. Then she pulled him back up. She stepped up close to him and then she backed away. Letting out a small mewl of frustration she stared at him, trying to find a way to pretend this was Giles. Finally she told Zurvan to get on the bed and lean against the headboard. Buffy got on the bed too and sat near him, facing him. Zurvan watched her, his face curious. She looked at him. “Is this weird for you, knowing that if I do this, if I bring him out, that you won’t be here anymore?”

He shook his head. “No, do not worry about distressing me. Please proceed.”

Buffy scrunched her face up. “You have to shut your eyes.” Zurvan complied and Buffy felt better immediately. It would be much easier to pretend this way. Buffy decided she better explain. She touched him and he opened his eyes. “I’m going to talk as if he’s here. I’m going to tell him things, and maybe I might…I might touch him. I need you not to say anything. I need you not to touch me back. I need to know it’s him touching me if that happens. Okay?”

“How will you touch me?”

Buffy blushed. “I might…um…lean against you, or touch your hands or your face, maybe kiss you. I mean him.”

“I understand. Are you planning on telling him that you are also in love with him?”

Buffy nodded. “Yes.”

“Ah, well perhaps I can also try and communicate that, inside, while I remain still for you.”

Buffy’s eyes grew bright and her voice was shaky. “Thank you.”

Zurvan just nodded. “I will close my eyes again now.”

Buffy closed her eyes for a second too, willing herself to just see Giles. When she opened them she reached out and took Giles’ hands in hers. She brought them to her lips and she kissed them and then opening them she pressed them against her face. “Giles. I need you to come back to me.” She blew out a breath, trying to get past the lump in her throat. After a few moments she spoke again. “I just discovered something. I just discovered that I don’t want to live without you either.”

She looked at his face. And she loved him. Buffy pulled his hands from her face and brought them down. Keeping one of his hands in hers she began to trace his face with her other. She touched the crinkles at the sides of his eyes; with feather light touches she ran her fingers over his eyelids and down his nose. “Giles, I wish I could let you see inside of me. I’m so bad at this stuff. I’m so bad at saying what I mean. And it’s never been so important for me to make someone believe what I’m saying.” She ran her fingers over his lips. Leaning forward she very softly pressed her lips against his. “I want to kiss you, but I need you here for that. I want to hold you but I need you to hold me back.”

She let her hand drop to his chest, resting it over his heart. “I know that you love me. That you’re in love with me. Zurvan told me. What I didn’t know was that I love you too. That I’m in love with you too.” She lifted the hand she was holding and brought it to her lips again to kiss. “Giles, I need to see you looking at me. I need you to tell me that you love me. Suddenly nothing feels as important to me as that.”

She shifted closer to him and she rested her head on his chest. “Please, come back to me. Please hold me. Please don’t leave me alone.” She rested against him for a minute and then she pulled away.

Buffy felt a moment of hopelessness. She had no idea if he was hearing her, if he was even aware of her. She didn’t want to ask Zurvan, she didn’t want to stop pretending that this was Giles. Pushing down her despair she touched his face again, this time running her fingers along his jaw. “We belong together, I see it now. I’m sorry I didn’t understand before. I’m sorry things got so bad. But I’m here now. We’re together now.” Buffy leaned in and kissed him again. This time her lips lingered, she gently bit his lower lip, and then pressed her lips full against his.

She pulled back and touched his lips again with her fingers. “Your lips are so soft. I wish you would kiss me.” Buffy sighed. “I don’t blame you if you are finding this hard to believe. I’m finding it a little hard to believe and I know it’s true.” She paused trying to find the words, trying to find the way to convince him.

“Remember when I told you that having you around was like having my mom back? I meant that in a way. But, now I get what I really meant. What I meant was that when my mom died that it left a hole in my life that I didn’t ever think could be filled again. I missed her so much and I felt lonely and afraid of dealing with my life. But that night, when you gave me that money, when you sat there and looked at me, and loved me, what I felt was the hole filling in. What I felt was not alone, what I felt was that I didn’t need to be afraid if you were with me.”

Buffy started to cry. “I need you to come back to me now because if you don’t then that hole will be back but it will be so much bigger, it will be so big that I can’t face it.” She leaned again against his chest. “I don’t know how to live without you anymore.” Buffy just sobbed against him, her tears soaking his shirt. “Giles, come back to me.” As he continued to just sit there Buffy’s heart began to break and she sobbed even harder.

Buffy didn’t even notice it at first. She was too lost in her misery. But then it slowly started sinking in. His arms were around her and he was stroking her hair. Buffy’s heart began to race. Was it Zurvan? Had he been unable to ignore her crying? She could hardly bear to look. Buffy lay there for another minute, just enjoying the touch. Finally she had to know. Her voice still hiccupy she spoke his name. “Giles?”

His answer was soft. “Yes, it’s me.”

Buffy let out a cry and she pulled away, having to see his face. “It’s you? You’re back?” She could see his eyes; Giles was looking at her. She touched his face with her hand.

He smiled sadly. “Not completely. Zurvan is still bound in this body. He is allowing me to be in control.”

“So unbound him.”

“Buffy.”

“No, Giles, just do it. Don’t leave me again.”

“I can’t…how…?” Giles turned his head away, unable to say what he needed to say.

Buffy said it for him. “How can you know this is real?” Giles nodded, his eyes vulnerable. Buffy smiled at him and then she leaned forwards and kissed him again. He stayed still at first but Buffy persisted. She shifted even closer to him and snaking a hand behind his head she pressed him against her. Touching his lips with her tongue she invited him to open to her. When again he hesitated she spoke softly. “Giles, kiss me. I want you to kiss me.”

With a groan Giles’ lips opened and he met her tongue with his own. Buffy let out a cry and kissed him with all the love in her heart. Their arms were wrapped tightly around each other and Buffy thought her heart might burst in her chest. She started to laugh.

Giles pulled back looking down at her in some confusion. “Why are you laughing?”

“I’m happy. I’m happy again. You make me happy.” It felt like such a foreign emotion to her, like a bubbling well in a desert.

Giles looked at her face, and saw the Buffy he used to know. Before her resurrection, before her death, before Glory. The Buffy who used to be happy, and filled with life. “Oh, Buffy.” He touched her face, his eyes filled with wonder.

“Are you back? Are you staying?”

“I still need to say the spell.”

“Say it. Do you know it?”

He shook his head. “I need one of my books.” He started to rise.

Buffy yelled out. “Ethan, get in here.”

Ethan was in the door so fast she wondered if he’d been standing outside. Ethan knew, he knew as soon as he saw her face, the happiness on it. He looked at his friend. “Rupert?”

Giles smiled a small smile and nodded. “I need my spell book, well, your spell book.”

Ethan almost tripped over his own feet he turned so quickly. Grabbing the book he brought it back in and handed it to Giles. While Giles flipped through the book Ethan grinned at Buffy and he fought off the urge to hug her. She grinned back. They both looked up as Giles started an incantation. When he was done Giles shut the book and Ethan took it from him. He gave him a second to let his disorientation pass. Then he spoke. “Are you back now?”

Giles nodded. “Yes, I’m back.”

Ethan laid the book down on the bed and then hauled back and punched him. “If you ever do anything like that again I will bloody well kill you.” Buffy’s eyes were wide as she stared down at Giles, now sprawled on the floor. Ethan extended a hand and helped him up pulling him into a hug. Ethan held him so tightly Giles grunted. “You scared the shit out of me. I thought I’d lost you.”

Buffy felt like she loved Ethan right then. Giles hugged him back. “I’m sorry, Ethan, I’m sorry.”

“You better be sorry.” Ethan stepped back and put up an admonishing finger in Giles’ direction. “We are nowhere near done with this conversation.”

Giles put his hand on one side of his face as he shifted his jaw from side to side. “Are we done with the hitting part of it?”

Ethan let out a half laugh and shook his head. “Yes, we’re done with the hitting part of it.”

Buffy interjected. “Speak for yourself.”

Ethan laughed again. He turned to Buffy. “Don’t get used to it because I’m sure it will fade but I actually kind of like you right now.”

“Color me overwhelmed.” Despite her sarcastic words she smiled at Ethan and he smiled back.

Picking his book back up he brandished it at Giles. “I’m taking my book back and I’ll thank you to leave my magic books alone.” Taking another long satisfied look at Giles he spoke one last time. “I’m going home. I’ll call later.” With one last look at Giles and a wink at Buffy he sauntered out.

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