TITLE: Journey's End 3/10
AUTHOR: Rari Coss
EMAIL ADDRESS: RariCoss1956@yahoo.com
DISCLAIMER: It all belongs to Joss, the real king of the world, the WB, UPN, Fox, Mutant Enemy and anybody else who feels they own it. I’m just borrowing, lost in admiration, and then giving them back, memories wiped clean.
FEEDBACK: Absolutely.

Buffy sat there in silence, looking at the Shaman, at Lindsey, at her surroundings. She thought of Giles and what he must have gone through with Eyghon, and for the first time, really thought about how wonderful he had been about Angel. Buffy had approached Giles with some trepidation the first couple of times when she had needed to discuss Angel, fully expecting Giles to go ballistic. But he hadn't. He'd been kind, and other than being realistically concerned, had never stopped being loving and supportive of Buffy and her relationship with Angel.

She looked up again at the Shaman. "I would have lost him if he hadn't come here after Angel came back, wouldn't I?"

"If Rupert hadn't chosen to face his pain and make a conscious choice to find a path of love through it, yes, I believe he would have left once he was fired and your new Watcher arrived."

Buffy's heart was beating faster just at the thought. How many other times had he done this for her? How many times had he thought of leaving? How many times had he stayed when all he wanted to do was go? Probably as many times as she had wanted to run. Too many times to count. Her voice was shaky. "I can't do this without him. I don't know how. I feel so lost and he's the only thing that makes sense to me."

The Shaman nodded. "Are you able to take that first step?"

"Will it keep him here?"

"It is why he is leaving. He believes that he is keeping you from finding your inner strength. He believes he is making it harder for you to take that first step."

Buffy's eyes filled with tears. "But he's not."

"Are you able to take that first step and believe? If not, he may be right."

Buffy got a determined look on her face. "Will you help me?"

The Shaman nodded. "Yes. We will talk further. Now let us finish our meal." Buffy nodded in relief, grateful for the distraction. Her mind was reeling from everything she'd heard and she just sat there in silence as the Shaman and Lindsey spoke quietly, hopping from topic to topic, allowing her the time to think things through.

***

When Water Buffalo had finished communicating to him, Giles stood. Tiger rolled over and stood as well, sinuously stretching. He moved to stand by Giles' side. Giles looked back at his three remaining guides and sending them thoughts of gratitude and love he headed off.

Allowing Tiger to direct him, Giles tried to review what he'd been told. There was a real danger to him during this journey. This had never been the case. He had never been in danger, the purpose of his previous journeys merely to instruct or to renew. It was a testament to his faith in the Shaman that it never crossed his mind not to go. But it didn't stop the nervous tendrils in his gut. He had been told that he could get lost, that his fear and remorse could make him stray off the path. And once off the path, there was a chance that he might not find it again. He was told, and this he must remember at all times, that what he was seeing was not real, but rather the shadows of a future that would likely come to pass if current choices remained unchanged.

Giles shook his head. He wasn't sure why he needed to do this. Clearly his teacher thought he was making a mistake by leaving. If the Shaman told him to stay and not return to England, he would do it. But that was not his way, it never had been. Giles would be presented with the information he needed, so he could make his own decision, a decision that came from within. So, he would go, and he would do his best to not get lost.

He felt a fierce declaration from Tiger. "I know, you won't let me get lost." He was very glad that he was being accompanied. Giles rested his hand on Tiger's head as they approached the end of the field of wildflowers. Giles' lips pursed. Usually the field sloped off into sandy dunes, which in turn became the sea. Today, there was a shimmering wall in front of him that occluded whatever lay behind it. It extended as far as the eye could see from left to right and from the ground skywards. He looked down at Tiger. "Ready?" Tiger's response was to ready himself for a leap, muscles bunching. As one they leaped through the wall.

Giles saw himself sitting on a plane. He knew he was heading home for England. He could feel his own emotions slamming though him, his fears for Buffy, his anger that she hadn't even shown up to say goodbye, his hope that he was making the right decision, and coupled with shame was a sense of relief that he was leaving it all behind.

A moment later and he was standing in front of Buffy. He could feel her emotions and hear her thoughts. She had one hand shielding her eyes from the sunlight as she watched a plane fly overhead. She didn't know if it was Giles' plane but as it flew over her it took her hope with it. Anger swept through her at his abandonment and she allowed it to consume her, for to feel any other emotion was too painful. She watched the plane until it was out of sight and she let the anger swallow her alive.

When she finally turned to head for home it was dark and Giles and Tiger followed her. Giles felt buffeted by her anger. It was coming off of her in waves, its presence almost a palpable entity. Once home she walked into the kitchen. Grabbing an apple she slammed herself into a chair. Willow and Dawn were there. She glared at them, itching for a fight.

Dawn was unknowingly willing to oblige. "Giles was really sad you didn't come to say goodbye." She already felt his absence keenly. He had that reassuring feel of a grown-up and now she felt adrift. Plus, his leaving frightened her because he had been the only one who seemed to make Buffy believe that she could do this, that she could live again.

Buffy snorted. "I don't give a shit if I made him mad. He obviously doesn't give a shit about me."

That annoyed Dawn. "Well if he doesn't it's only because of the way you treat him."

Willow intervened. "Wait a minute. Buffy didn't do anything wrong to Giles." She turned to Buffy. "And how can you even say that? Of course Giles cares about you."

"Yeah, well, he sure has a funny way of showing it."

Willow frowned. "He's only doing what he thinks is best for you."

Buffy stood, knocking her chair back. "Well, you know what? I'm sick of people trying to do what's best for me. Because none of you know what I need, and all you do is screw my life up."

Willow winced. "Buffy, I know we hurt you when we brought you back, and I'm sorry. I don't know how to…"

Buffy interrupted. "Right, you're sorry, Tara's sorry. Xander's sorry. Giles' is sorry. You're all sorry. That makes me feel so much better."

Dawn figured it was time to get out now before things got worse. "Well, I'm going over to Jessica's."

Buffy let out a half laugh. "No, you're not."

"Why not?"

"Because I said so."

"You can't just keep me here."

"Oh, yes I can. As long as I'm paying the mortgage I get to pretty much say and do whatever the hell I want."

Dawn spit out her response. "Well, since it's actually Giles who's paying the mortgage, for the next couple of years, maybe I should just call him and ask him."

Buffy's eyes narrowed. "Look, he gave that money to me so that means I make the house payment, I pay the bills. And he probably gave it to me as a payoff. Here Buffy, here's some money, take it please, because I can't be bothered to actually be with you anymore."

Willow came to Giles' defense. "You know that's not why he gave it to you."

"Do I Will, do I?"

"You're not being fair to him."

"Strangely enough, I really don't care. As far as I'm concerned Giles is no longer a part of my life, or this family. His name is officially off limits."

Willow's eyes flashed. "You can't tell us not to talk about Giles."

Buffy started to prowl around the kitchen. "You sure about that? Remember me? Mortgage girl? I don’t exactly see you or Tara slapping any money down on the table. And why are you defending him anyway? I heard you that night. I heard you arguing. What did he call you?" Buffy put her hand to her jaw as if she needed to think. "Oh I remember. He called you a rank arrogant amateur. And do you remember what you said to him?"

Willow did. She glanced quickly at Dawn. "Buffy, I don't think…"

"Here, let me refresh your memory. You threatened him. You told him that you were very powerful and he would be wise not to piss you off. You threatened him, threatened to use magic against him, right here, in this kitchen. So where do you get off telling me how to treat Giles?"

Willow lost it. "That might be a warning worth listening to."

Buffy shook her head in disbelief, all her anger at what Willow had done to her growing like poison ivy inside of her. "Are you threatening me little witch girl? Me?" She got up into Willow's face. "I dare you."

Dawn couldn't take anymore. She threw herself in between them, tears running down her face. "Stop it, just stop it."

Buffy picked up her fallen chair and turned to face Willow. "I want you out of this house by tomorrow morning. You are no longer welcome here."

Willow's eyes widened. "Buffy, you don't mean that."

"Oh yes, I do. You think you can threaten me in my own home?" She took a step closer. "Get out."

Willow looked bewildered. "Where are we supposed to go? You need to give us some time to find a place to live."

"I don't have to give you anything. You're the oh so powerful witch. Wave your magic wand and build yourself a little bungalow for two. Just get out of my house, and out of my sight."

Willow fought back her anger and was unsuccessful. "Fine, if that's the way you want it. Chase us away, just like you chased Giles away, and Riley and everyone else you say you care about. You're a selfish bitch, Buffy, and you've always been too busy wallowing in your own self pity to ever see what anyone else might need." Her voice grew angrier, full of derision. "Poor little Buffy, poor little Slayer. Well, you know what? Your life sucks because you make it that way. You make one stupid decision after another and then wonder why things don't work out for you."

Buffy's voice was very quiet. "I didn't decide to rip myself out of heaven. You did that, you and my other so-called friends. Now get out of this room before I hurt you."

Willow felt the dark magic rise within her. Only the presence of Dawn kept her from using it. She sent Buffy a look filled with venom and after taking her time to get a glass of water, as if to taunt Buffy, she finally left.

Dawn turned to Buffy, her voice shrill and desperate. "How could you do that? How could you tell her to leave? Are you going to make everyone I love go away?"

Buffy grabbed Dawn's arm hard enough to hurt. "Dawn, listen to me. The sooner you learn that it's just you and me the better off you'll be. Ever since mom died, we've been alone. And it's better to be alone then to be with people who pretend to be your friends. All you've got is me. Don't be a fool like I was and think that anyone else will ever be there when you need them." Buffy headed for the door. "Don't leave the house. I have to patrol."

When she left, Dawn crumpled to the floor in tears, her cries filling the kitchen, the sound full of despair.

Giles moved to her, wanting to put his arms around her, wanting to console her. He found his way blocked by Tiger, the beast's eyes compassionate but firm. Giles backed away, willing himself to remember. It's not real. It's not really happening. He was appalled at what he had just witnessed. Buffy's anger at him was impenetrable. How had he not seen it? How could she have gotten so lost in it so quickly? As his thoughts became full of Buffy he found himself beside her as she swept into Spike's crypt.

Spike was lounging on his bed, as if he had been waiting for her. "Slayer, I was wondering when you'd want more of me."

Buffy glared at him. "Not now Spike."

"What's got your knickers in a twist?" He nodded. "Ah, the babysitter's gone."

Buffy gritted her teeth. "I don't want to talk about him."

"Fine with me." He patted the bed next to him. "Come here, pet."

Buffy ignored him, and she started pacing. "I kicked Willow out tonight."

Spike raised his eyebrows. "What did the little witch do now?"

"She threatened me, just like she threatened…" She waved her hand as if to exorcise even the thought of Giles. "She threatened me."

Giles prayed that Spike would make her see reason, that he would calm her down.

"Good for you, Slayer. You don't need her; you don't need anyone. Not when you've got me." He patted the bed again.

Buffy sent him an incredulous stare and laughed. "That's supposed to make me feel better?"

Spike stood and approached her. "Listen to me, Slayer. Giles is gone, Willow is gone, that means Tara is gone. Xander is tied to Anya's apron strings. Little bit probably hates you right now. So that leaves me." He moved even closer until his lips were just a couple of inches away from hers. "I'm all you've got, baby."

Giles spoke to Buffy, even though he knew she couldn't hear him. "Buffy, walk away, walk away from this place. He doesn't care about what you need, he just knows what he wants and he'll do or say anything to get it." He spoke her name again in despair as she closed the gap between her and Spike and began to kiss him. "Buffy." Giles could feel what she was feeling, and he wept for her. If she really wanted this, if having sex with Spike would really make her feel loved he wouldn't begrudge her this. But, she didn't expect it to. She thought that this was all she deserved, and as she allowed Spike to touch her, she was empty inside.

The sex was brutal, the coupling fast. Giles tried to leave but was not able to, so he had turned away so as not to watch. But he could hear and he could feel what Buffy was feeling. He could feel her eventual arousal, despite her emptiness and he could feel her release. And Giles could feel a small chink in her armor, a brief moment of vulnerability. But that soft spot inside of her became suddenly overwhelmed with sadness, and her sense of unbearable loss at his leaving, and her disgust with herself for sleeping with Spike and it was all too much. She slammed the door shut and embraced her anger again. She got off the floor and pulled her clothes back on. Without a word to Spike she left the crypt.

Spike lay on the floor and he watched her go. He looked down at himself and shook his head. He also was having a rare moment of vulnerability. That hadn't gone quite how he'd pictured it. Then he got over it too. He stood and pulled his pants up. "Well, it's a start." He grinned and went over to turn the television on. Giles almost felt sorry for him as he left to follow Buffy.

***

Buffy was apprehensive but she obeyed the Shaman's command and closed her eyes. He spoke. "Now, think of a place that makes you feel safe, that makes you feel protected. Make it as real as you can in your mind, and then I will help you create it."

"Does it have to be a garden?"

"No, that is merely a phrase. It only needs to be someplace where you can find yourself." Buffy nodded and she found a place. The Shaman smiled. "This is where you choose?"

Buffy frowned, nervous. "Why? Did I do it wrong?"

The Shaman softly reassured her. "No, it is never wrong. Concentrate." She felt his hand on her forehead and felt a strong sensation of light. "Now, open your eyes."

She did and she gasped. She was standing in her old high school library. She looked down at herself. "Am I really here?"

"A part of you is here."

She ran a hand down the length of the table. "All I need is Giles now."

The Shaman softly touched her over her heart, just for a quick moment. "You have your Giles. He lives in here. You could create him here if you wanted to. He is one of your teachers, your most important one right now."

Buffy thought about that and then shook her head. "Nah, I'll stick with the original." She glanced shyly up at the Shaman. "Do I have any spirit guides?"

"If you choose to journey as a part of your spiritual path you will find many spirit guides. But, one has already chosen you and you have already met."

"We have? Who? Who have I met?" Her eyes widened then as a mountain lion entered the library. She pointed at it. "Is that the one that took me on my quest?"

"Yes, she chose to accompany you. Her name is Seeker, and she is yours."

Buffy's eyes filled with tears and she got down on her knees. The mountain lion walked up to her and rubbed her forehead against Buffy's. Buffy threw her arms around her and dug her fingers into her dense fur. Seeker's purr was making her whole body vibrate. Buffy smiled at the sensation. Over Seeker's body she looked at the Shaman. "She's really mine?"

The Shaman smiled. "She has offered herself to you as a guide. When you explore the unknown, both within and without, her strength and courage will go with you."

"Does she talk?"

"She communicates. It will be up to you to learn how to listen to her, and how to look for her messages."

Her arm still around Seeker, Buffy sat, and she looked around the library. "God, I loved it here. I know some bad stuff happened here, and we were always talking about the next ending of the world, but when I really needed something, I always found it here." She sighed and then giggled when Seeker licked her face, her enormous tongue bathing her from jaw to temple. She wiped her face off. She sent the Shaman an impish look. "Ooh, spiritual guidance and a facial scrub. Two for the price of one."

The Shaman gently smiled back. He just sat there quietly, wanting to allow her this time. A time to build her strength before her journey. Buffy couldn't believe how good she felt holding Seeker. She could feel waves of approval and love coming from the beast and it was like a healing balm to her heart. Giles was the only other person who could make her feel like this and it doubled her resolve to do whatever it took to keep him with her.

She glanced up again at the Shaman and was surprised to see a sad look on his face. "What's the matter?" The Shaman shook his head. Buffy knew somehow. "It's Giles, isn't it? Is he okay?"

"His journey has begun."

"Yeah, but is he okay?"

"He is in pain. I apologize. I did not mean for his journey to distract you from yours."

"What do you mean, he's in pain? What kind of pain?"

"This is not the time to speak of it. Much of his journey still lies ahead, as does yours."

"So, does that mean, that Giles' pain, that look I saw in your eyes, that his pain has just begun?"

"Buffy, you cannot take this pain from him, nor will knowing of it help him in any way. If you want to assist him you must take your own journey."

She grimaced. "I'd rather take his."

The Shaman nodded. "I understand. Fighting someone else's demons is always easier than fighting your own."

"Couldn't I just kill a couple of vampires instead?"

The Shaman stood. "Are you ready?"

Buffy suddenly didn't feel very ready at all. She stood though and smiled as Seeker wove her way around her. "I guess. What do I do?"

The Shaman pointed at Seeker. "She will lead you. You will be shown different futures, futures that will be based on the different choices you make. You must find your heart here. You must understand how different your path and the path of those who travel with you will be, based on whether you live with a heart filled with anger, or a heart filled with love. And then you must decide how you will use this opportunity of new life." He sent Buffy a piercing look. "Are you able to believe that you create your future? A future filled with fear and darkness, or a future filled with love and light? That it will spring forth from you?"

Buffy felt the first stirrings of hope within her breast. His words touched off a longing within her, a longing for peace and love, a longing to experience it again. The Shaman nodded, he could feel it within her. "This is sufficient." He pointed to the far wall of the library, which was now a shimmering wall. "Your journey begins there. Blessings to you."

Buffy squared her shoulders and with one hand on top of Seeker's head, she put out her other hand and began to push her way through.

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