TITLE: Journey's End 5/10
AUTHOR: Rari Coss
EMAIL ADDRESS: RariCoss1956@yahoo.com
DISCLAIMER: It all belongs to Joss, the real king of the world, the WB, UPN, Fox, Mutant Enemy and anybody else who feels they own it. I’m just borrowing, lost in admiration, and then giving them back, memories wiped clean.
FEEDBACK: Absolutely.

She was overlooking a graveyard. She saw someone standing in front of a tombstone and she started walking in that direction. As she got closer she realized it was Giles. The grave was fairly new. The outlines of the replaced grass were still visible. Giles was holding a bouquet of flowers and there were tears in his eyes. He knelt down and began to clear the old flowers away.

Her heart started to hammer in her chest as she got closer, terrified to see the name inscribed on the stone. She cried out when she saw the name. Dawn Summers. She looked at the dates and did the math. Sixteen, she died when she was sixteen. A little over a year from now. Buffy looked up and saw the Buffy of this future approaching. Giles put the new flowers in the vase and he looked up as he heard footsteps. His mouth tightened when he saw it was she and he looked away.

Buffy could hear the hurt in her voice. "How long are you going to stay mad at me?"

Giles turned angry eyes to Buffy. "She's dead, Buffy. Does that mean nothing to you?"

"Yes. It means she's staying dead. No get out of heaven free card for Dawn."

Giles clenched his fists. "Must it always be about you?"

"I'm talking about Dawn."

"No, you're talking about yourself. It's always about yourself."

Buffy's eyes sparked with her own anger. "I'm just wanting to make sure that she doesn't go through what I went through."

Giles had had enough. "God forbid. Because we all know that no one has suffered like you."

"You have no idea…"

"You think not? When all I've heard out of you, all any of us have heard out of you for the past year is a non-stop commentary about your suffering? I'm sick of it. How many lives must you destroy in your misery? Your friends have finally left, after months of being systematically beaten down by you with your guilt trips and smart-ass remarks. Even Spike has left town. And you ignored Dawn. You ignored her cries for help. You ignored my warnings, the school's warnings, and now she's dead. By her own hand."

Buffy said nothing, she just stood there. Giles wanted to smack that petulant look off of her face. "Can you not conceive of the fact that maybe she was suffering too? Perhaps even more than you were? She needed you and you weren't there. You were too busy making a living out of being unhappy."

"You don't understand."

Giles shook his head. "You're right. I don't understand. I don't understand you at all. There is nothing of the Buffy I knew left in you except your ability to kill." Giles spit the words out, glancing at Dawn’s grave and then back at Buffy. "At that, you continue to excel."

Giles looked again at the tombstone and his face grew sad. "You ask me how long I plan to be angry with you. Well let me ask you something Buffy. Who is there inside of you for me to forgive? If you'd tried, if you'd even acted like you cared…" Giles sighed and he looked at Buffy. "There is no remorse in you, Buffy. And until there is, there is no forgiveness in me."

"You once told me that you didn't have to earn forgiveness, that it was an act of compassion."

"Yes, I did. And if I thought, for an instant, that my forgiving you would be an act of compassion, that it would awaken something inside of you, that it would melt that heart of stone that beats in your chest, I'd do it. But when you stand there, in front of your sister's grave, and the only feeling you have is annoyance because I'm still angry with you, I do believe there's little point." He scooped up the dead flowers.

"I can't help what happened to me. They brought me back this way. It's not my fault."

"I don't believe that. I believe it is your fault. Spike was more human than you are. You found a way to relinquish all responsibility; nothing could possibly be your fault. Everything could be so conveniently blamed on your resurrection. Every pain in your life, everything that went wrong, all of it, was always the fault of someone else. Your friends for bringing you back, my fault because I forced your unwanted duty on you, Dawn's fault because she forced unwanted obligations on you, even Spike's fault because he had the audacity to love you and try to make you feel something."

Buffy's face could have been made out of stone. "So that's it? You'll just hate me now?"

Giles walked up very close to her, looking into her eyes. "Do you care? Does it even matter to you?"

Buffy watched herself meet his gaze, her eyes empty, unflinching. And then she watched herself just turn and walk away. Turning to watch Giles Buffy felt all hope die within him. He fell to his knees and wept on Dawn's grave.

Everything began to grow hazy again and Buffy waited, hoping that she'd see a future where she was something to be proud of. She ran her fingers through Seeker's fur, finding some solace there.

***

Eventually Giles’ tears stopped. He laid there, his face pressed against Tiger's fur, drawing strength from him. Finally he stood. Through his grief he had heard Willy call the police. The ambulance was still out there, lights flashing. There was no need for a rushed trip to the hospital, not this time. He looked at his watch and a bitter laugh escaped him. All that he'd seen, all the lives destroyed, and his plane had yet to touch down in England.

He felt the breeze again and he knew he was being sent on. He braced himself for what he might see next. He let out a cry when he realized where he was. It was Xander's gravesite. His coffin was being lowered into the ground. There was a small crowd. Some people from Xander's construction firm, Willy, a few students from Sunnydale High, Xander’s parents. And then…

His eyes found Anya. Tara was holding on to her. She looked defeated, confused, angry. Giles wasn't sure she'd recover from this, not and stay human. Willow stood next to Tara and Dawn next to her. Dawn and Willow were holding onto each other tightly.

Giles' eyes scanned for Buffy next. He found her. She was standing alone, apart from the others. He could pick up the memories of the arguments, the recriminations. They all blamed her. They didn't know she had been with Spike, she hadn't told them that, but they knew she hadn't been available to save Xander. She hadn't defended herself and her silence had been taken as an admission of guilt. Buffy had no friends here, not any more, not even her sister. Although Buffy didn't know that yet. But Giles could feel the hatred seething in Dawn as a consequence of Willow’s spell.

Giles felt a rush of anger at all of them. Could they not see? Didn't they understand that Buffy loved Xander too, that his death was ripping her apart? Even if she'd been patrolling there was no guarantee that she'd have been there in time to save Xander. In fact, odds were she wouldn't have been, she seldom went to that neighborhood unless she needed information from Willy. And Xander was the one who had made a poor decision in judgment, going to Willy's at night, alone, where he was sure to attract vampire attention. And Giles knew that it was because of him, the fact that he had left, that had caused Xander to go there and get drunk in the first place. There was plenty of blame to share, and very little of it actually belonged to Buffy. His heart ached for her and he longed to comfort her and try and take some of the hurt away.

But there was no one there to do that for her. Giles realized that he, of all of them, would have been the one to take that on. He would have softly spoken to them all, tried to pull them back together, tried to show Buffy that she wasn't responsible. But he wasn't there. He wondered if he even knew that Xander had died. Buffy wouldn't have called him, nor Willow. And Willow would have kept Tara and Dawn from calling, afraid that if Giles showed up that he would figure out what she was doing to them both. Anya was in no shape to think of anyone. He wondered how he'd find out, if he'd find out.

He sat down on the grass and just watched as the service continued and then as people started to move away. He watched as the grounds men began to shovel the dirt over Xander's coffin and replaced the sod, arranging the flowers around it. He watched Buffy, as she stood there for hours, alone, never moving, and he felt her heart slowly dying as the minutes ticked by.

Once it grew dark it was Spike who finally came to get her. He just brought her home and put her to bed, for once staying silent and simply doing what was needed. He walked back downstairs and visited with Dawn. As his eyes looked up the stairs time and time again, distracting him from their conversation, Dawn's eyes grew darker and darker with jealousy, her hatred for her sister growing ever stronger.

Giles watched as the days flew by. He'd find himself in different places, and sometimes days would go by from his last observation. Buffy spent most of her time with Spike now. Every conversation she had with Dawn escalated out of control and became so venomous that even attempting to fix things was wildly outside of Buffy's ability to cope. So she kept away and Dawn began to spend more and more time with Tara and Willow. She used the opportunity to speak badly of Buffy, cementing their resentment of her and eliminating any chance of reconciliation.

Anya was faring no better. Willow and Tara helped at the store but Anya wasn't taking care of things. Bills weren't getting paid, new inventory wasn't being ordered, and mail orders weren't being filled. Within a surprisingly little amount of time the store started falling apart. And yet Anya refused to call Giles, her pride still intact enough to be convinced that she just needed time. But time kept passing and Giles sadly realized that this was probably how he'd find out about Xander, when he was notified that his store was going bankrupt.

He was back at Buffy's home. Dawn still lived there but it was no consolation to Buffy. Dawn was just one more reminder of how badly her life was going. They rarely spoke. Dawn was finishing her homework when she saw Buffy get ready to go out. Dawn sniggered. "Going to screw Spike?"

Buffy took a deep breath. "No, I'm going out to patrol." Giles saw in her mind that she had indeed been planning to go see Spike.

"Yeah, right. You're not fooling anyone. Everyone knows you two are doing it." Dawn leaned back in her chair, victory close at hand with her next verbal strike. "And I wonder why that is? Oh yeah, he's a vampire. Of course you'd be screwing him."

Buffy had to fight the urge to smack Dawn across the face. She picked up her weapons bag. "I'm going out to patrol. Don't let anyone in." Without another word she left.

Dawn waited until the door shut and then she sprang into action. She had asked Willow for a spell to make a guy want her. Willow, all impulse control gone when it came to magic, was more than willing to assist her. Dawn had all the ingredients including a personal belonging to the guy in question. Dawn grinned unpleasantly. She figured that Buffy, after that conversation, probably would patrol, which meant she wouldn't be dropping by Spike's until later. And that was exactly what Dawn wanted.

As the fire from the spell burned brighter, Dawn picked up the T-shirt she'd stolen from Spike and placed it in the bowl. As it began to catch fire she spoke the incantation. Her heart was full of the need for revenge. Revenge against Buffy, and revenge against Spike, because he had chosen Buffy over her and that just wasn't right.

Spell complete, Dawn wrote a note for Buffy, in case she came home first, letting her know she had gone to visit Spike. Then she headed out. Giles was already waiting by the time she arrived. When she walked into Spike's crypt, Spike looked genuinely pleased to see her. Then, Giles watched a look of alarm spread across Spike's face as the spell began to hit, a brief moment when he knew what was happening but helpless to do anything about it. Then it was too late. A predatory smile crossed his face. "Hello, love." He reached for Dawn, and Dawn, who'd had a crush on Spike for as long as she could remember, smiled.

Giles had kept out of the way, hiding in a corner, not wanting to witness Dawn having sex with Spike. The whole thing horrified him on so many levels he couldn't bear it. And now, Giles wished he could keep Buffy out, distract her, do something to keep her from walking in here and finding Dawn and Spike together. But he knew that there was nothing he could do so he sat there, his head bowed as he sensed her return.

Dawn hadn’t intended for things to go this far but it was hard to deter an amorous vampire. Besides, anticipating the look on Buffy’s face made it worth it. And when Buffy walked in and saw them together the look was almost enough, it almost satisfied the need in Dawn to make her sister suffer. But she decided to take it a step further. She decided she could get some revenge on Spike as well, for daring to love Buffy more than her. Dawn started beating on Spike, pretending to cry. "Stop it, stop it." She pretended to just notice Buffy. "Buffy, get him off of me." She screamed. "Buffy."

Buffy just reacted. This was her little sister, and Spike was a vampire. Giles lunged to try and stop her but she had a stake out and was plunging it into Spike's back, right into his heart, in seconds. Spike exploded into a spray of dust. Dawn screamed again, frantically brushing his remains off. She leaped off the bed, yelling. "You staked him. I can't believe you staked him." Dawn hadn't expected that. She had expected tears, hurt feelings, and tantrums, a good beating up for Spike.

"He was raping you."

"I was only kidding." She looked at the bed. "I can't believe you staked him."

Buffy's voice was like rock. "What do you mean you were only kidding?"

"Just what I said. We were fooling around, that's all. Then when you came in I thought I'd have a little fun."

"A little fun?" Buffy's voice got louder and louder. "A little fun? You call that a little fun?" She fell to her knees. "Oh God, oh God." Her voice got very soft. "Spike." Buffy's eyes began to fill with tears and her lips trembled. She fought for control and she spoke to Dawn without looking at her. "Get out of my sight. Now."

Dawn snorted. "Gladly." She started to get dressed. After she threw her jacket on she moved towards the door. She looked back at Buffy, who was still on her knees. "I'll be with Willow and Tara if you need me." When there was no response she shrugged and left.

Giles moved over next to Buffy and tried to put his arms around her. He was unable to, of course, but he had to try. How much could she bear? This was asking too much. To have her destroy the only thing she felt had been hers, the only being with any love for her at all. Buffy crawled onto Spike's bed, lying on his dust, and she curled into a ball, her eyes open, staring at nothing. Giles lay down next to her and pretended to hold her the rest of the night.

The days began to fly by again. Giles watched as Buffy resumed her life, or what was left of it. She lived in her house by herself. Dawn had moved out, her belongings gone by the time Buffy had come home the next morning. Buffy slept all day, and patrolled all night. That's all she did. That's all she had left. And her body, as if to spite her, was in peak condition, and despite the desperate longing she had to find her death, she emerged from every fight the victor, unable to not fight her best.

Willow had fulfilled Tara's worst nightmare. Every time Tara began to show any will of her own Willow simply cast a spell. In time she began to do it to Dawn as well when Dawn's teenage temperament became too annoying. Willow created the perfect little Stepford family for herself. She loved it.

Anya just disappeared one day. And in the course of a few weeks the creditors found Giles. And it was to this that Giles watched himself return to Sunnydale.

NEXT