TITLE: Journey's End 8/10
AUTHOR: Rari Coss
EMAIL ADDRESS: RariCoss1956@yahoo.com
DISCLAIMER: It all belongs to Joss, the real king of the world, the WB, UPN, Fox, Mutant Enemy and anybody else who feels they own it. I’m just borrowing, lost in admiration, and then giving them back, memories wiped clean.
FEEDBACK: Absolutely.

Buffy was still sitting on him, feeling disoriented. The rage had completely disappeared and she watched his face as the bruises began to vanish. She didn’t understand what had happened, or what was happening now. She couldn’t get past the vision of herself standing over Giles, kicking him over and over again, bones snapping, blood flying. What she was pretty sure about was that she had somehow gotten sucked into Giles’ journey, and it hadn’t been pretty.

Giles’ eyes suddenly flew open and he took in a deep breath, as if he’d been under water too long and had to fill his lungs completely. When he saw Buffy he sat up and, almost in shock, he put his hands on her face. “You’re alive.” He searched her eyes, dropping his hands to her shoulders so he could look at her face. “Are you all right?” His hands went back to her face. “You’re alive. Oh, God.” His eyes filled with tears, and laying his head on her breast, he began to weep.

Buffy held him tightly, stunned that after what she had seen herself do to him that he would be concerned for her welfare. Granted it had been a different her, but still. He should hate her. He amazed her, and she loved him, and all she wanted to do was protect him. Her arms held him even more tightly, as if to not only console him, but to keep him from harm.

As if sensing that perhaps he was distressing her, Giles pulled himself together. He gently pushed Buffy off his lap and he wiped the tears off of his face. Without looking at her he apologized. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lose control of myself like that.”

Buffy could feel him withdrawing and she didn’t want him to. She moved herself into his line of vision and shook her head. “Giles. I’m the one who’s sorry. I saw what I was doing to you. I would never do that, I would never hurt you.”

If he had been less tired, he could have hidden his reaction. But he was tired and he couldn’t control what appeared on his face. Buffy gasped when she saw the guarded expression on his face. All Giles’ knew right then was that she had. She had killed him, and the sorrow of that still lay heavy on his heart. And that thought was in his eyes for her to see and it broke her heart. She reached out to touch his face, and Giles, too tired to stop this reaction either, flinched. Buffy drew her hand back as if she had touched a hot stove, holding it against her heart, as if to ease the pain as she realized that Giles had been afraid she might hit him.

Giles saw the expression on her face and he ached that he was causing her pain, but he was too tired to do anything about it. He couldn’t ever remember being more tired. He knew his physical body had done nothing more than lie on this bed for the past few hours but to him, in his mind, it had been weeks, weeks of no sleep, weeks of horror and pain, weeks of watching the people he loved suffer while he could do nothing to help, and experiencing his own death, every blow, until his body had been screaming in agony.

His body demanded sleep and despite the fact that he knew Buffy was upset he lay back, sleep overtaking him, sucking him under. Buffy panicked, afraid that he’d been pulled back to that place she had seen, that his fear of her had somehow started it up again. She shook him, calling his name, but he did not respond.

As if responding to her fear the Shaman entered the room. She cried out in relief. “He’s gone again. I think I did it. Get him out. Bring him back.”

The Shaman smiled softly at her. “You did nothing to him. He is simply sleeping. He will most likely sleep for some time. Do not be concerned. He will not go back. That journey is complete. He was able to find the strength to take it to its end.”

Buffy’s eyes filled with tears. “Me killing him, you mean?” That vision was still seared on her brain.

He shook his head. “No. It did not end there for him.”

Buffy’s voice was shaky. “Why did I do that? Why was I killing him? Why did he have to go through that?”

“It was necessary for him to learn what he needed to learn. Just as all the pieces of your journey were necessary for you.”

“What did he have to learn? Why did he have to learn it like that?”

The Shaman held out his hand and pulled her up off the bed. “I am sorry you got pulled in. That was regrettable. I do not have Rupert’s leave to talk about this journey with you, so I cannot. You will need to ask him when he awakens.” He escorted her to the door and shut it behind them. “Come, my wife is asking after you.”

Buffy was silent as they walked to the kitchen, only to find Lindsey in the process of scooping out ice cream. Buffy rolled her eyes. “What, do I have a sign on my forehead that says ‘if found upset, please feed ice cream’?”

Lindsey grinned. “It’s what Rupert always wants, I just assumed you…” Her voice trailed off as she looked at Buffy uncertainly. “If you don’t want any…”

Buffy grabbed a bowl. “Are you kidding?” She dug in, her eyes closing in ecstasy as she tasted the flavor in her bowl. “God, what is this?”

Lindsey grinned again. “It’s Rupert’s favorite. I always have some made when he is here. It’s a little bit of this and a little bit of that.”

Buffy looked down at her bowl. “This is Giles’ favorite?” She frowned. “I didn’t know he ate ice cream when he was upset.” That disturbed her. “It seems like I should know that.”

Lindsey put a gentle hand on Buffy’s arm. “You will, you will come to know all these things, and more.” She smiled at her husband. “It is a great adventure, coming to know someone fully.”

Suddenly her husband put down his bowl of ice cream and stood. He looked at his wife and left the room rapidly. Buffy looked at Lindsey, her eyes questioning. “What was that all about?”

Lindsey was sorting through the projection her husband had sent her. “He has gone to meditate. He wishes to erect a spiritual ward around Rupert.”

Buffy looked alarmed and she stood also, her need to protect Giles still strong within her. “Why? What’s wrong?”

Lindsey shook her head. “He is in no physical danger. He is having nightmares.”

“Nightmares. He rushes off like that for nightmares?”

Lindsey paused. “Bad nightmares. My husband wishes him to rest, and he will not if he continues dreaming this way.”

Buffy swallowed hard. She was pretty sure she knew what he was dreaming about. She didn’t know how to protect Giles from that. She remembered how Giles had flinched when she had moved to touch him. For a moment, he had been afraid of her. Of her. Buffy. Her eyes filled with tears again. “Maybe he’s not safe with me. Maybe he should go away. What if I go crazy or something and I do attack him?”

Lindsey laid a hand on Buffy’s face. “Buffy, what he saw, whatever he saw, it wasn’t real. Do not fear it. Simply love him, and give him time. He will heal. He is very strong and he has great love for you.”

“Suppose I do something wrong?”

Lindsey laughed. “Then the next time he comes here he will complain about you and then somehow find some explanation for how it really wasn’t your fault after all, and then he will return to you, your transgressions fully forgiven.” She gestured to Buffy’s bowl. “Eat your ice cream, and don’t borrow trouble. There is always plenty waiting for us and it is foolish to meet it with our hands already full of trouble we have manufactured out of our own fears.”

Buffy sighed. “I wish I could be with him.”

“I know you do. But I think he needs to be on his own, allowed to rest fully. He will come looking for you as soon as he wakes.”

“Are you sure? Maybe he’ll just run in the other direction.”

“Buffy, have faith in him.”

Buffy sighed again, and then just held her bowl up, asking for another scoop.

***

He did come looking for her. He had slept for almost twenty hours but when Giles awoke, all he wanted was to reassure himself that Buffy was all right. He found her in the kitchen, having just finished another one of Lindsey’s fabulous lunches.

Buffy looked up when Giles entered. Their eyes connected and he gave her that relieved smile of his whenever she had gotten back from patrol, or back from whatever evil he had sent her out to fight. She wanted to go to him and hug him but he looked… she tried to find a way to describe it… he looked as if he was made of glass, that if she touched him the wrong way he might break apart into a thousand pieces. So, she stayed where she was.

Lindsey walked in and saw him and, based on the look on her face, she was seeing the same thing. She, however, approached him and laid a hand lightly on his arm. “Ah, Rupert, you finally have decided to join us.”

He gave her a small smile. “Hello, Lindsey.”

“What shall I fix you to eat?”

“Just tea, please.”

Lindsey shook her head. “No, not good enough. You need to eat.” Giles glared at her and Buffy flinched from where she was sitting. It was one of Giles’ industrial strength glares. To Buffy’s surprise, Lindsey just laughed. “Oh, please. You know I’m glare proof. It’s why you came to love me so much.”

And again to Buffy’s surprise, Giles laughed back, one of his silent chuckles. He sent Lindsey a look of great affection. “You could always see right through me, couldn’t you?”

Lindsey pulled him into a hug and he hugged her back tightly. “Yes, I could. Now, what do you want to eat?”

“I’ll have one of your wonderful breakfasts, then, if you’re going to insist on feeding me.”

Lindsey grinned. “I am. One wonderful breakfast coming right up.”

As she left, Giles sat down across from Buffy. He looked her over. “Are you all right?”

Buffy nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine. How about you? How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine.”

Buffy frowned. “No, you’re not.”

Giles shot her a surprised look and then gave her a small, sad smile. “No, no I’m not. But I will be. You don’t need to worry about me.”

Buffy frowned again but then Lindsey walked back in with his tea. Giles took a small sip and a pleased smile formed on his face. “I don’t know how but you can even make tea taste better, Lindsey.”

Buffy tried to suppress the flash of jealousy she felt. She looked at them both. “So, how long have you guys known each other?”

Lindsey and Giles looked at each other, trying to figure it out. Lindsey spoke first. “Well, it was after I opened my restaurant, and that was in 1977.”

Giles was nodding his head. “Probably about twenty-two years.”

Lindsey grinned shaking her head. “Wow, it seems so much longer than that.”

Giles threw a bunched up napkin at her. “Ha, ha.”

Buffy’s heart sank. They’d known each other longer than she’d been alive. She felt so young and inexperienced. Somehow the nudging of Giles was feeling not so easy right now. “And how long have you been married to…” She paused for a second, and then continued, “…your husband. And what’s his name anyway?”

Lindsey laughed at her question although her eyes were teasing Giles. “Ask Rupert. He can almost say it.”

Giles glared at her again. “I can say it as well as you can.”

“Yes, but I can think it so much better than you.”

“Only because you throw all that sex stuff in there that gets him all worked up.”

Lindsey was giggling so hard she could hardly talk. “Well, you could try that, I suppose. It might get him all excited. I mean, you know, the three of us…” She wiggled her eyebrows at Giles suggestively.

Giles sighed a long-suffering sigh. “I know you’ve always wanted me, Lindsey, but honestly, how many times do I have to turn you down before you finally get…” He didn’t finish his sentence because Lindsey had jumped him and was tickling him.

Buffy watched them, her mouth hanging open as they wrestled, rocking the table with their antics. Lindsey scowled at him. “Me wanting you? Me wanting you?”

“Yes, you wanting me. Ah, stop that. Okay, I wanted you too, but only for your cooking.” He let out another yelp as she poked him hard again. “Uncle, uncle.” They both leaned on the table, laughing. Suddenly Giles saw Buffy and he blushed, almost as if he’d forgotten she was there. He turned to Lindsey and gave her a quick kiss on her cheek. “Thanks, I needed that.”

Lindsey smiled at him, putting a hand to his cheek. Then she turned back to Buffy. “My husband’s name is essentially unpronounceable. He is called Shaman by all his students, and I call him husband or I call him in my mind.” Giles sent her a look and she laughed. She winked at Buffy and Buffy couldn’t help but smile back. She was jealous of their closeness and she was jealous that Lindsey seemed to know just what to do to make Giles feel better when she’d had no idea, but she couldn’t help liking her.

Lindsey continued. “And Rupert introduced us, oh, back in 1985 I think, and we were married a year later.” She sighed. “It was a lovely wedding.” Suddenly her eyes got a look of concentration and she glanced at Giles. “Did you hear that?”

Giles nodded. “He wants to speak with me.”

Buffy looked at them both. “He can talk to both of you guys, in your heads? Is he gonna do that to me too?”

Lindsey smiled. “It is the way of his people. Speaking out loud is sort of a second language to him. He can mentally speak to me and to Rupert because we have both given him permission to enter our minds. It’s how he and I predominantly communicate and it’s how he manages to keep such a close eye on our Rupert here and keep him out of trouble. He would never presume to do that to you or to anyone who hadn’t given their permission.”

Giles grinned at her. “Nicely said. Now, if you can keep your hands off of me long enough to actually feed me, I will go off and meet with him.”

Lindsey stuck her tongue out at him and went back into the kitchen. Giles looked at Buffy. “I’ve never forgiven him for that, for taking her and her cooking away. When they got married she closed down her restaurant and moved here.”

Buffy looked around her. “I’ve been meaning to ask. Where is here, exactly?”

“We’re in Sri Lanka. It’s an island off the southern tip of India.”

“Get out of town. Really? Can we do some sightseeing?”

Giles kind of scrunched up his face. “No, I mean, that would be nice, but we’re not really here.”

“What does that mean?”

“Well, we’re sort of between spots. If you left this property you’d find yourself back where you started.”

“You mean, back in the Magic Box?” Giles nodded. Buffy continued. “So, no one can actually get to this place on foot?”

“Well, it’s possible, but you really have to know what you’re looking for.”

“Sort of like Platform nine and ¾?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Never mind.” She tried again. “So, sort of like Brigadoon?”

Giles smiled. “Yes, except it’s here all the time.”

“Except the doors are invisible.”

“Quite. Ah.” Giles smelled appreciably at the food Lindsey put before him and he dug in immediately. Lindsey and Buffy just chatted as he ate. When he had soaked up the last of his omelet with his last piece of toast he sighed a happy sigh. “Another masterpiece.” He put his hand over one of Lindsey’s. “Are you sure I can’t woo you away?”

Lindsey laughed merrily. “Quite sure, my love. Although I appreciate the sentiment.”

“Well, I’m off to find your husband.”

“Did you see where he was?”

Giles nodded. “Yes.” He glanced at Buffy, who had stood at his words.

She smiled uncertainly. “Can I walk with you?”

“Of course.” Giles held the door open for her, and after one last smile at Lindsey he closed the door behind them.

They walked in silence for a minute. Buffy again, felt out of her depth. He had been so silly with Lindsey that she had hoped that maybe he was fine. But now that they were alone, he had gotten so quiet again, so withdrawn. She didn’t know what to say to him. She finally blurted out the one thing that was concerning her most. “Did you and Lindsey, you know, were you ever…an item?”

Giles shot her a startled look. “No.”

“So that whole ‘I want you’ stuff in the kitchen…?”

Giles grinned. “A long standing joke between us. She’s more like a sister than anything. She always has been.” Giles brought the next subject up. “Buffy.” He sighed.

“What?” She felt unaccountably nervous at what he might say.

“I…I just wanted to let you know that I’ve changed my mind. I’ve decided not to go back to England.”

The relief Buffy felt almost knocked her down. She gave Giles a huge smile. “Really? You’re staying?” She wanted to hug him but, once again, there was a look in his eyes that kept her where she was.

“Yes, I’m staying.”

Buffy did stop walking, though, and she took a good long look at Giles. He didn’t meet her eyes. His eyes were taking in the landscape around her, the color of the sky, almost anything but her. She couldn’t believe she was asking this but she had to. “Why? Why are you staying?”

Giles shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter. Because you don’t seem too thrilled with the idea.” Buffy could feel the gap between them widening even more. She wanted him to stay because she loved him and she wanted him. He was staying, but he really didn’t really want to at all. She repeated herself. “It does. I want to know why. What did you see? Why was I hurting you?”

Giles shook his head again. “Buffy, I don’t…I’m not sure how you saw what you saw, how you got in there, but it doesn’t matter. I’m sorry you had to see any of that.” He did glance at her then, his eyes filled with pain.

Buffy touched his arm. “The Shaman told me that the other Buffy, the one that was hurting you, that she pulled me in, that it was becoming real. When I was sitting with you, up in your bedroom, I could feel myself hitting you; I could feel myself getting so angry with you. Why? Why would I do that? I need you to tell me.”

“Buffy, I can’t. Not now. Maybe not ever. I’m sorry.”

But Buffy was on a roll. “Who was that tiger? Why was he sitting on you?” Then her voice got sad. “I’m sorry I couldn’t help. All I could do was yell your name, like some lost little kid.”

Giles looked down at her, her comment surprising him. “That was you? You called for me?”

“Yeah.” She mimicked herself. “Giles, Giles.” She grimaced. “Original, huh?”

Suddenly she found herself being hugged. “Then it was you who saved me.”

“What?” She hugged him back tightly, so glad to be touching him, so glad that he was touching her.

He pulled back and she stifled a moan of disappointment but then she got swept up in Giles’ words. “I was so lost in there, all I could think about was saving you. I knew that if you killed me that it would destroy you, but you were too strong…” He pulled himself back from the memory. “I was in that body towards the end, trying to get it speak to you, but it was too wounded. And at that point, I didn’t…I couldn’t see what I was doing, the harm I was doing by trying to get involved. But then, I heard you call me, I heard your voice, and you needed me and so I got out and got back in my own body so I could help. But by the time I got that big hairy fur ball of me you were gone and I didn’t even know you’d been there.” He smiled at Buffy, his head shaking with wonder.

She smiled back. “So, I did help?”

He gently touched her cheek with the backs of his fingers. “More than you’ll ever know.”

Suddenly she had a dreadful thought. “Is that why you’re staying? To keep me from doing that, from becoming that?” She so didn’t want that to be the reason. He didn’t answer but started to walk again, and that was answer enough. Tears filled her eyes. “If you leave, I’ll kill you?” She started to back away from him. “Why? Why would I do that?” She couldn’t even begin to deal with herself like that.

Giles shook his head, walking towards her. “Buffy, it doesn’t matter now.”

Tears started to roll down her face. “Yes it does. I need to understand. I need to know I won’t do that to you.”

“Buffy, you would never…”

“But, I did. I saw myself. I felt it. And when you first woke up and I tried to touch you, you…you flinched. You were scared of me.” She was crying now.

“Buffy, I was tired. I’m not frightened of you now. And it will never happen, never, I promise you.”

“How can you know that?”

“Because I’ll be there this time.”

She needed to know more but the Shaman chose that moment to show up. Giles knew that the Shaman had a reason for choosing to appear at that time, in the midst of this discussion. Giles and the Shaman looked at each other. Buffy could tell that they were having a mental conversation and she grew uncomfortable when Giles’ face got sad again. He finally nodded and then looked at Buffy. “I’ll speak with you later, Buffy.” With that, he turned around and headed off, continuing in the direction they had been walking.

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