TITLE: Second Chances 3/7
AUTHOR: Rari Coss
DISCLAIMER: It all belongs to Joss, the real king of the world, the WB, UPN, Fox, Mutant Enemy and anybody else who feels they own it. I'm just borrowing, and then giving it back, memories wiped clean. Please, no one send me money, I don't wanna get in trouble.
FEEDBACK: Absolutely.

He found him at the bar where he had discovered Buffy crying on the sidewalk. His face hardened and he went inside walking up the table where Giles was sitting with an attractive, actually a pair of attractive brunettes. Angel saw Giles notice him and watched a dangerous glint come into his eyes. Angel knew he was treading on thin ice with this particular Giles, but he had to do this for Buffy. Ripper excused himself and motioned Angel outside.

"I thought we had finished our conversation."

"Ripper, she's dying. She's lying on my couch right now, dying."

Ripper felt a pain shoot through his heart. He clenched his jaw resisting his feelings. "That's not my fault."

"Part of it is. She started dying when you were killed and you can't be blamed for that. But this part you can. The part where you're alive again and treating her like shit."

Ripper growled feeling trapped. "I can't be what she wants me to be."

"What, you can't be someone who cares if she lives or dies?"

Ripper just shook his head.

Angel continued, feeling his helplessness, "Fine, come with me then and tell her that to her face. Tell her that her life is meaningless, and she should just go ahead and die, so she can stop inconveniencing you. C'mon, let's go tell her that. It should be easy for you if she means so little to you. At least you can put her out of her misery."

Ripper punched the dumpster next to him, "Fuck." He punched it again, "Fuck, fuck, fuck." He ran his hands over his face. "Where the hell is she?"

"I'll take you there." Angel took a step and looked back at Giles, looking to see if he would follow, hoping this wasn't a really bad idea. But, at this point, there was nothing left to lose.

Ripper followed Angel, feeling memories teasing at the borders of his mind. He couldn't believe he was doing this. He knew she was bad news; she made complications complicated. But, he also knew that he didn't want her death on his conscience. That was a new feeling for him too. When the dreams had started, he had started having second thoughts about some of the magic he was doing, the god Ethan worshipped. He scowled. He wanted to punch something that would punch back. He needed to get into a good bar brawl.

They had arrived. He walked into Angel's home, ignoring the other people in the room. Angel put his hand up to stop Wes and Cordelia from saying anything. He gently but firmly shoved them out the door, following behind them. Ripper ignored it all, all his attention on the huddled body on the couch. He stopped, wondering if he was already too late. She was so still. He watched her, and finally saw that she was breathing. He took a breath, not aware until then that he had been holding his. He walked over to the couch, crouching down beside it.

"Buffy?" He hesitated for a moment, and then reached out his hand to touch her shoulder. "Buffy?" he repeated.

She opened her eyes, turning her body around at his voice. Her face was stained with tears, her eyes red, her face gaunt, her eyes disbelieving. "Giles?" He just crouched there looking at her, not knowing what to say.

"Giles! Oh God, Giles." She launched herself at him, holding him tight, crying hysterically. "Oh God, Giles. You're here, you're here." She held him tight enough to hurt. He finally put his arms around her. He still didn't say anything. She kept talking, "Giles, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry for everything, I never meant to hurt you, I'm sorry I got you killed, I'm sorry I hurt you, I never meant to, I swear it, I'll never do it again, oh God, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, please don't hate me, please don't hate me. God, I'm so sorry."

More memories flooded into his brain. Memories of loving her, laughing with her, his moments of pride in her, her extraordinary skill and selflessness in the face of death. The memories crowded his brain, these good ones side by side with the fearful ones, the hateful ones, the painful ones. He squeezed her tighter, needing the comfort of holding someone as his mind fought for sanity.

Finally her words ended, her crying abating. She pulled back out of his arms and touched his cheek. She realized that he hadn't said a word. She pulled her hand back, concern spreading across her face, "Giles?"

He eased back sitting on the coffee table across from her, sighing. He still didn't know what to say. He felt as if he was walking on a tightrope and both their lives depended on his balance. He looked for something to hold and found a paperclip. He bent down to pick it up, running it through his fingers.

She spoke again, "Giles. Talk to me, please." Her lips trembled.

He sighed again. "Buffy." He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I was so cruel to you."

She smiled a small smile, not being able to keep her lips from still trembling. "It's okay." She spoke softly, her eyes on the floor.

"No, it's not. I wasn't quite myself." He almost laughed at that, never were truer words spoken.

"Are you yourself now?"

"No." She hadn't been expecting that answer. She looked up, her eyes wide.

"What d..do you mean?"

He sighed. "Buffy, I'm still figuring that out myself. But I do know that I'm not the me you remember, or would necessarily want back." He stood up, pacing across the room. "Shit. It's too soon to have this conversation, too soon for me and too soon for you."

"I don't understand." Her eyes were filling with tears again, and he could see her body hunching it on itself. He walked over to her quickly sitting next to her on the couch.

"Buffy, I need some time. I need to figure out who I am again. I can't be that man who was your watcher, not anymore." He reached forward and wiped the tears off of one cheek. "But I also know I don't want you to die, and I don't want you to be so sad."

Her heart was breaking. "You mean I don't get to have you back?" He didn't respond. She started to cry again. She couldn't imagine she had tears left to cry but she seemed to have an ocean inside her. "God, Ethan said he'd t..take you away from me, make you not choose m..me, and he did it. I'm going to l..lose you all over again, aren't I?"

Ripper closed his eyes at her words, all brain activity screeching to a halt. "Excuse me?"

"Ethan, he came to the Shop, he was s..so mad after you died. He said I d..didn't d..deserve you, he said I had treated you so b. badly, he said I d..didn't love you like he did. He s...said that he would bring you b..back and fix it so you wouldn't ch..choose me. And he d..did it." Her last statement ended on a wail, as she curled back up into a ball, sobbing.

Ripper got up, feeling used on all sides. He punched the wall, denting the plaster. Buffy looked up at the noise. She saw what he had done. "Giles? Are you okay?"

Ripper walked over to her. He sat again on the coffee table, sitting her up, putting his hands on her shoulders. "Buffy, I need you to do something for me." She listened. "I need you to stay alive. I need you to give me some time." She shook her head at that. He held his head to the side, biting off a curse. He tightened his grasp on her shoulders. "Buffy, please, give me some time. I need to know you're okay so I can go think and go beat the shit out of Ethan." She smiled a little at that. "I'm not making any promises here, Buffy, you need to understand that. But, I need you alive, I need you to eat, and get your strength back. Will you do that for me?" He sounded so like Giles, her heart seized in her chest. "Buffy, please?"

"Will you come back and see me?"

He nodded. "Yes. I'll come and see you. Will you be here or will you go home?"

"If I go home, will you come see me there?"

"Yes." He wasn't sure if it was the truth, but he needed to say it, make her believe it.

"I want to go home."

"You'll take care of yourself?"

She nodded.

"Promise?"

"I promise." He caught her eye and frowned at her. "I promise, Giles. I'll get better if you promise to come see me."

He nodded his head and smiled at her. She smiled back. She moved to the edge of the couch and put her head on his chest and snuck her arms around him.

"God Giles, I missed you so much."

He let her hold him, running his hand down her hair, until her arms grew slack. He looked down and saw she had fallen asleep. He leaned her back and swung her legs up, covering her with a blanket. He hoped she didn't remember when she woke up that he hadn't responded. The truth was he hadn't missed her at all, hadn't even remembered her other than the information Ethan had provided him with. A part of him wished he hadn't met her again, to deal with all these memories crowding his mind, and to feel all these emotions, the hate, the love.

He started outside only to find Angel, Cordelia and Wes waiting for him. He spoke to Angel. "She should be okay now."

Cordelia snapped, "No thanks to you."

He pivoted around to her. "Actually, Cordelia, completely thanks to me. Are you ever able to not be a bitch? All my memories haven't come back yet, but the ones of you are crystal clear." He turned threatening eyes to Wes who had moved towards him ostensibly to defend Cordelia. "Wesley, don't even think about it." He turned back to Angel. "She wants to go home. Will you see to it?" Angel nodded.

He asked as Giles turned to leave. "Will you go back to her?"

Ripper turned back to him, "Not to the way it was." He walked away.

He heard Cordelia complain, "He called me a bitch." Ripper smiled.

----

Buffy went home the next morning. Xander came down to pick her up. Angel had been calling letting them know what was going on but Xander was still unprepared for how Buffy looked. She gave Angel, Cordelia, and Wes a hug and got in the car. Xander drove her home, neither of them talking for the first part of the trip. When Angel had called to tell them that Giles was alive, and how he had treated Buffy, the four of them had gone back and forth hating Giles, missing Giles, hating Ethan, forgiving Giles, being worried for Buffy, on and on until their heads ached. Xander had also needed to calm Anya down on a regular basis, as she was afraid that Giles would take the store back. Right now he was just worried about Buffy.

She smiled at him, "Xander, I'll be okay. Really, I will be. Giles made me promise."

Xander raised his eyebrows at that. "Angel said he came to talk with you last night." At her nod, he continued, "I'm guessing things went better than last time?" She nodded, but didn't elaborate.

"Buffy?"

She turned to look at him. "What?" she softly replied.

"Is he coming back?"

She looked out the window and he watched a tear fall down her cheek. He sighed. He felt a moment's anger at Giles and then missed him so damn much he wanted to cry. "Does that mean no?"

"I don't know. He said he'd come up to see me, but he said he wasn't promising anything." She didn't repeat that he had said he didn't want to be her watcher anymore. That hurt too much. "He said he needed some time, and he needed me to stay alive."

Xander nodded, "That's Giles, still hard at work keeping you alive." He looked at Buffy, hoping that had gotten a smile out of her. It had coaxed a small one. He asked her, "How did he look?"

"Alive."

"Alive. Wow."

"Yeah, wow."

They were silent the rest of the trip home. She decided to stay with her mom for a few days, figuring that the food would be better and more available and her mother couldn't have more pleased by that arrangement. The whole gang took on the job of pulling her back into the land of the living, while they waited, wondering what Giles would do, all of them hoping he would come back to them.

----

Ripper walked home that same night. He needed to blow off some energy or he'd rip Ethan's bloody head off. He slammed open the door, and saw that Ethan was still awake, reading. He slammed the door shut. Ethan looked up.

"Hello, Ripper."

Ripper paced around the room. "I've just had a most enlightening conversation with my ex-slayer."

"Oh, do tell."

"She said that you threatened to take me away from her, make me choose a different life. Did you Ethan? Did you purposefully mess around with my head and with my memories when you brought me back?"

"Yes, I did."

The honesty was unexpected. It took the wind out his sails. He sat next to Ethan. "Why?"

"I missed you. I hated how they treated you. I thought you deserved better. I hated watching you be slowly consumed by guilt and pain, when you were the best thing in their lives."

Ripper leaned back into the couch. His contacts were bothering him. He realized he missed having his glasses to play with. He reached over and picked up a pencil lying on the coffee table. He started twirling it in his fingers.

Ethan spoke again, "Do you remember everything now?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Are you going back to her? Back to that life?"

"No." That wasn't the answer Ethan was expecting.

"No?"

"No to the second part for sure. I can't go back to that life. You were right about that part of it. I lost myself somewhere. I forgot my strength and my power. I forgot how it felt to stand up for myself. I was so busy being a watcher, I forgot how to be a man. As pissed off as I am at you right now, I love that you gave that back to me. I don't want to lose it ever again."

Ethan smiled a sad smile at Ripper. "But the other question? Do I lose you to her all over again?"

"Why do you ask it like that? You were my friend when I was with her before."

Ethan snorted. "Yeah, when she wasn't trying to kill me, or beat me to a bloody pulp."

"I beat you to a bloody pulp myself on one or more occasions."

"Yeah, but that's different."

Ripper snorted this time. Ethan continued. "I don't imagine hanging around would be very comfortable for me. I don't think Buffy would be awfully happy about it."

"If I go back, she won't have a choice about it. I don't want to lose you again. You mean too much to me." Ethan turned his head away, looking out at the lights of the city, moved by Ripper's words.

"Ethan, I mean it. I need a friend right now, no matter what I decide."

Ethan looked at Ripper, seeing the caring in his eyes. "God, we've been through some times together, haven't we?"

Ripper laughed, "Yes, we have."

They sat there together, thinking over their lives together. Thinking of the bond between them. Ethan spoke again, "Ripper, I'll stand by you, whatever you decide. But if you choose to go back, don't expect me to not give you shit about it, and don't expect me to become one of the pansy good guys."

Ripper nodded. He leaned forward and grasped Ethan's hand for a brief moment. He got up and went to his room, shutting the door. Ethan watched him go, remembering a long time ago when walls didn't separate them.

Ethan watched him over the next couple of weeks, watched him struggle as he decided what his next step should be. He waited for the announcement. He saw a look in Ripper's eyes one evening and spoke, "You've decided then?"

Ripper looked up, a rueful smile on his face. Ethan knew him so well. "Yes, I need to go back. Not to be her watcher, not to pick that life up. I'm not ready for that. But, I need to go back and see what's there for me. What she means to me, what I can or want to do. I can't decide that down here. Will you go with me?"

Ethan sighed; he knew this was a bad idea. "Yes."

Ripper grinned. "That town won't even know what hit it." Ethan grinned back, shaking his head and laughing.

NEXT