Title: Spike goes to Watcher School, OR How to be Topp (with apologies to Ronald Searle)
Author: Ruth
Summary: Well, the idea made me laugh...
Rated: PG for language
AN: Starring Giles, in case the title gave you pause.
Disclaimer: All the characters of BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, ME etc.

"Bloody! Pay attention!"

"Bloody make me."

"This cane isn't for decoration, Bloody."

"Promises, promises. So, when are we going to learn something useful? When do we get to the fun bit: the violence?"

"About the same time you start to apply yourself. Meanwhile, since I, for my sins, am in charge of the Quentin Travers Memorial Remedial Programme at this Academy: the subject of today's symposium is: "Maintaining the Proper Professional Detachment". How not to let personal feelings affect your performance as a, and in your case, Bloody, I use the term loosely, Watcher. Also, how to dissuade your Slayers from doing so."

"Oh! Please, sir, Dr. Giles, sir! I know this one! Something about pots and kettles, is n' it?"

"I'm not warning you again, Bloody. A sample case in point, for your consideration: the vampire Angelus, scourge of Europe. Pseudonyms: Angel, Deadboy, Liam O'Connor, Liam Murphy, Liam O'Flaherty, Paddy McGinty's goat…*WHO'S* tampered with my lecture notes? Bloody!"

"Wasn't me, sir. Mine's the bit on the next page…"

"What? Let me see… stupid… hair gel … nancy...ah. Very well, Bloody, you're excused. Extra marks for accurate observation. Now, who's responsible for the goat? Pryce? It was you, wasn't it, boy?"

"Actually I rather think it was the goat's father, sir."

"Don't try to be clever, Pryce. It doesn't suit you. And get a haircut and a shave. You're a disgrace to the uniform."

"My tweed skirt's kinda tight, Dr Giles. Can I ride it up just a bit?"

"Just make yourself comfortable, Ms Rosenberg. Thank you for your very thoughtful gift this morning, by the way. You're sure that no animals or children were harmed in its production? Ah, good. Need to keep an eye on that, you know…after last time."

"Teacher's pet. Bet she gets 'special tuition'. See me after class, Ms Rosenberg… Dirty old man. Didn't he get the 'playing for the other team' bit? "

"Bloody!"

"Wasn't me, sir. It's the echo in 'ere."

"Hmm. Now, where was I? Yes, Angelus. As I'm sure all of you know from your study of the seminal treatise "Exemplary Watchers of Our Time" - this term's set text - um, I myself faced down this beast on a number of occasions. Lessons to be learned are…?

"Make your own Molotov cocktails. Avoid cheap Russian imports."

"Very amusing, Bloody. Not. Pryce?"

"Preparation, preparation, preparation."

"A good answer, Pryce, were it not for the fact that you've given exactly the same response to the last twelve times I've asked that question. Write a hundred lines: 'Less preparation, more perspiration'. Ms Rosenberg?"

"A Watcher needs courage, resourcefulness and endurance."

"Very good, go to the top of the class…Er, you can come down, now, Ms Rosenberg. What are you looking at, Bloody?"

"Oi! S'not my fault if the bint floats up to the ceiling, showing all she's got. Blimey, didn't know she dyed that bit red, an' all."

"Bloody! Hell! This instant!"

*Sigh*. "Yes, sir. Usual route?"

"That's right. Take a left, along the corridor paved with good intentions, at the end, just past the Masters' Common Room. And don't come back until I come to get you."

"When will that be, then, sir?"

"Just as soon as I dig out my old ice skates. Class dismissed."

END