Title: School Reports
Author: Ruth
Rating: G
Catagory: Sillyfic
Notes: Apologies in advance for any formatting booboos.
Disclaimer: forgot last time, ergo too late now:-)
More from the Quentin Travers Memorial Remedial Programme at the New Watchers' Academy...

Bloody, William T.

Number of Absences: Authorised: doesn't know the meaning of the word.
Unauthorised: all of them.
Sick days: taken: 0
caused: 247

Position in Class: Thorn in the Side

Subject Teachers' comments

Practical Weapon Craft:

At last, a subject in which this pupil is prepared to put in effort, also several fellow pupils in the Infirmary. With respect to damage to school property, separate schedule follows. You should be advised that the Governors reserve to themselves several means of redress up to and including lifetime indentured slavery, in order to secure repayment of monies due.

Research Skills:

After a slow start, Bloody began to make much more extensive use of original texts, exercising his Library privileges on a regular basis. Staff took this as an encouraging sign at first. However, it has recently come to my attention that a) the local Black Market has been subjected to a minor flood of obscure volumes b) ashtrays provided for students' convenience in the Smoking Room have been found to contain traces of ink, animal blood, vegetable dyes and gilding, as well as tobacco and paper. ALL school property that is not nailed/chained down carries both a security marking and mystical tracer. How stupid do you think we are?

Theory and Application of Magicks:

Bloody must learn that the purpose of the noble and arcane study of Magicks is to attune oneself and one's every action with the elemental forces underlying all that is: NOT to make offensive smells, pretty colours and a personal dimensional portal to the girls' changing room.

Pryce, Wesley Wyndham-

Number of Absences: Authorised: 26. Please note, Mr Gunn, that we do not as a rule recognise "use as my golf caddy for the Legal Gleneagles Tournament" as an acceptable reason for absence. Also taking of holiday during term time, particularly to other dimensions, is discouraged.
Unauthorised: 0. Creep.
Sick days: 17. Seems to get a lot of sore throats.

Position in Class, as on the sporting field: Left Back

Subject Teachers' Comments

Practical Weapon Craft

Pleasingly proficient; innovative technical ideas. There are, however, some places on the human body NOT meant to conceal a stake. Has demonstrated a firm grasp of the legal context, but should remember the necessity of cleaning his sword after wielding it in dubious places.

Research Skills

Puts in phenomenal effort, but reluctance to cross check with others can lead him down some blind alleyways and land him, and others, in deep water.

Theory and Application of Magicks

A proponent of the, in my view, dubious practice of combining robust, established mystical and ancient lore with the slender, materialist attractions of modern science. Love spells are the province of a desperate young man; renaming them "pheromone signature enhancement" and citing non-existent authorities writing in publications unknown to the staff as evidence of their efficacy as camouflage, the province of a clever but unscrupulous one.

Rosenberg, Willow

Number of absences: Authorised: 0
Unauthorised: 0
Sick Days: 0
This record is unheard of; the possibility of glamours, golems, trans-dimensional mirror spells or plain enthusiasm for study have all been advanced by staff as explanation. Current staff room betting pool, er, speculation favours the golem theory.

Position in Class: Teacher's Pet. Learning to clean out her own cage is one of her targets for next term.

Subject Teachers' Comments

Practical Weapon Craft

Misunderstanding of the intention of the term 'craft', and early attempts to knit her own weapons, wasted valuable practice hours. We do now have a brand new set of combat dummies stuffed with those attempts, so well done in retrospect! Her offer to animate them is being considered favourably; musical accompaniment will not, however, be required, thank you.

Research Skills

Single-handedly responsible for dragging, er, leading the school forward into the 21st Century. Her work on the Library information system firewall is appreciated, especially after the unfortunate misunderstanding involving Dr Faustus (our most senior master, due to retire some years ago, yet curiously reluctant to leave our magickally protected school grounds) and the fire extinguisher.

Theory and Application of Magicks

A star pupil; has also been known to transmogrify herself into a very small planet. Continues to struggle with the 'mental discipline' module of our course. On the positive side, bullying in the school has taken a nosedive since 'rugger thugger' Smith took new form and residence as the Second Fifteen's goal posts. On the negative, teachers should not have to fear that well-intended constructive criticism may result in being forced to give an involuntary recital of the 'Hallelujah Chorus' every time Ms Rosenberg enters the room.

END
26 November 2003