TITLE: An English Summer 2/2
AUTHOR: Sandra Pascoe
DISCLAIMER: The characters don’t belong to me … I’m only borrowing them for a short and exceedingly profitless time.
***please remember there is character death in this fic***
Buffy sighed and sat on the grave once more.
"I guess I’ll start with the First," she smiled. "It scared me, Giles…it scared me damn near rigid. It had destroyed the Council…almost killed you…and I had no idea how to fight it. There was a houseful of potentials all looking at me…expecting me to have all the answers…expecting me to tell them what to do. So that’s exactly what I did. I became take-charge girl. I became something else in the process, Giles…I became something I didn’t like I became Quentin Travers. I looked at everyone in terms of how useful they could be in the fight…I stopped seeing people…I stopped seeing YOU as a person. I looked at WHAT you were, Giles…I never looked at WHO you were. You deserved better…you deserved SO much better than what I gave you. I’m sorry. .I can never say that enough, Giles. I’m sorry for everything…every time I ignored you…every time I treated you as though you didn’t exist…every time I hurt you…everything."
Buffy stopped and looked down.
"Now we get to the hardest part," Buffy lowered her voice slightly. "Spike. I can feel him, you know…he’s out there now…now that the sun’s gone down…he’s patrolling around this graveyard. He didn’t understand why I wanted to come here in daylight…or even why I wanted to come through the front gate instead of sneaking over the fence. It’s a matter of respect…I felt it would be disrespectful to you…to everything you were…if I snuck in to see you like a criminal."
Buffy took a deep breath and looked at the carvings again.
"I know what you want to ask. Why did I constantly protect him…care for him…put him above everyone…above everything?" Buffy paused. She leaned back against the gravestone. "I know you wanted Spike to use the amulet and not Angel. I couldn’t let that happen…I felt I owed him, Giles. He went off and got a soul…for ME. He was hurting…he was confused…because of ME. I may not have been responsible for what he was…but I was sure as hell responsible for what he became. He loved me…he did all that for me…I couldn’t abandon him. He was my responsibility."
Buffy paused again, gazing up at the star-lit sky, shivering at the sudden chill in the air.
"At least," she continued softly, "that’s what I thought then. When Willow contacted me about you, I remembered a few things. I was thinking about you…which led me to Jenny…and then Angelus. I remembered the deal I made with Spike to get you out…and then I realised something else. Something I never noticed at the time. When I was fighting Angelus…Spike took Dru and disappeared. The world could, to use one of your expressions, have gone to hell in a handbasket, but all that mattered to Spike was Dru. That’s when I realised that, despite Spike’s claims, what he feels is NOT love…it’s obsession. Looking back, I can’t believe how stupid I was. He stalked me…dragged me into darkness with him…and yet I still protected him…still cared for him. He didn’t get a soul for me…he got it for himself. Everything he did…it wasn’t for me…it was for him and his obsession."
Buffy got up and started pacing again.
"Did I love him, would be your next question, wouldn’t it?" Buffy stopped pacing and looked steadily at the gravestone. "No, Giles…I felt that I owed him…I felt…sorry for him, I guess. Not very fair of me, was it? And what was even worse…I left with him…left Dawn…and you…behind. Left my real family because I was trying to take responsibility for…what I’d created. Things are going to change though, Giles. I’ve changed…"
Buffy tensed and broke off as she sensed movement behind her. She smelt the cigarette smoke…felt him watching her.
"Time to go, pet." Spike’s softly spoken phrase betrayed a hard edge and Buffy smiled slightly.
"Yes," she replied, still gazing at the grave, "time to go."
In one movement, Buffy took a stake from her pocket, spun on her heel and buried the piece of wood firmly in Spike’s chest. She barely had time to register the look of surprise on his face before a shower of dust fell to the ground.
"WAY past time," muttered Buffy, before she turned her attention to the grave once more. "Time for me to take responsibility for what REALLY matters Giles. I’m going home. I’m going to hope that Dawn, Willow and Xander can find it in their hearts to forgive me. I’m hoping that you can forgive me, Giles. I used to be able to feel you …I’d feel your presence before I walked into a room…took comfort in knowing that you were there. Are you still watching over me, Giles? Because I can’t feel you…and I need to…I need to SO much."
Buffy choked back a sob as her eyes ran over the carving once more. She thought of Giles…nothing else, just Giles. His scent…his eyes…his smile. She remembered him in the library, wearing that itchy tweed…she remembered him in the magic box…she remembered HIM. Memories filled her mind…almost tripping over each other in their eagerness to be recalled. So much of what I am is Giles, she thought. Buffy’s eyes suddenly widened imperceptibly and she sucked in a breath. There, she thought…that tingle…he’s here. She looked around…nothing. Nothing out of the ordinary could be seen. That doesn’t matter…I can feel him again.
"Hey there, big guy," she grinned. "I’ve missed you."
A feeling of warmth rushed over her and she laughed aloud. I feel…human again, she thought. I feel…loved.
"Still watching over me, Giles?" Buffy took one last long look at the grave before her and smiled. "Come on, Watcher-mine…let’s go home."
**The End**