Title: The Quality of Pain 2/3
Author: Sandra Pascoe
Disclaimer: The characters don’t belong to me – I’m only borrowing them for a while … don’t suppose you’d consider letting me have Giles on a sort of timeshare basis?

"You love me? You still left though … still walked away!"

Giles stood quickly, spinning around at the sound of that oh-so-familiar voice.

"B..Buffy?" Giles gazed in open-mouthed disbelief at the figure standing before him. She stood, hands on hips, glaring at him.

"Well?" She raised an eyebrow and Giles took a step backwards as she moved towards him. "Answer me!" Buffy grinned suddenly, the pointed fangs prominent against her red lips, her eyes slowly yellowing as her entire face vamped.

"No," Giles shook his head, unable to stop the tears that trickled down his face once more. "Not you … please."

"It’s not so bad, Giles," she said softly, advancing on him. "You gotta admit that I always was a bit of a night owl."

Buffy reached out, placing her hand flat upon his chest. She smiled as she felt his heart thudding beneath her palm.

"Keep that blood flowing, Giles. The faster it flows, the better it tastes." Buffy glanced up, the expression of shock and horror on Giles’ face causing a sudden shudder to pass through her. It was as though a part of her that had been buried deep, that had been forgotten and ignored, had suddenly woken and pushed its way to the surface. Buffy stepped back in confusion, feeling the battle raging within her. Giles’ eyes widened slightly and he stepped uncertainly towards her, reaching out a tentative hand.

"That’s it, Buffy," he spoke softly and calmly, "there’s still a part of you in there … the real you. The Buffy I know, the Buffy I love … I know you’re still in there. You may be afraid … but you’re not alone any longer. You can do this, Buffy. Fight the demon inside you, don’t let it take control. You’re the Slayer .. . you have the strength, the capability to fight this. Come on, show me that Slayer strength."

With a sudden snarl, Buffy leapt at Giles, knocking him to the ground. He landed on his back with Buffy on his chest, pinning him to the cold, dank earth. Giles looked up, straight into the yellow eyes that blazed angrily down at him. She’s too far gone, he thought, no … anyone but you. Swallowing the pain and grief that threatened to overwhelm him, Giles closed his eyes and lifted his head slightly, baring his neck. If this is to be how it ends, he thought, then so be it. Do it, Buffy, do it now … I don’t want to live any longer. Giles felt cold lips on his neck and squeezed his eyes tightly shut, bracing himself against the pain that would follow. Soft kisses along his jaw, followed by a hand gently caressing his face caused Giles to slowly open his eyes and blink in surprise at the smiling face that looked down at him.

"Giles …" Buffy’s smile widened, "you came back."

"B … Buffy?"

"Giles …" Buffy lay her head on his chest, snuggling into him as she felt his arms wrap around her. "I need you to do something for me."

"Oh?" Giles’ voice was still confused. He wasn’t entirely sure he knew or understood what was happening but was content to follow Buffy’s lead. Buffy raised her head to look into his eyes. She smiled at the pure love and devotion she saw shining back at her.

"Giles … you said you loved me."

"Yes." This time there was no uncertainty, no confusion.

"Then you have to … you have to end this, Giles."

Giles frowned up at her. "What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean. I can’t live like this … if you can call it living. This is … this is my worst nightmare … you know that. You have to end it … you have to end it now, before I lose control … before I turn into the very thing I’ve been fighting all these years. For my life … for our lives … to mean something, then you have to do this for me."

"Buffy …" Giles gazed up her, tears filling his eyes. "I can’t do that … I can’t lose you … not again."

Buffy quickly slid off him as the tears trickled down his face. Kneeling beside him, she drew him towards her, cradling him as he sobbed. His arms snaked around her and he clung to her desperately, afraid that if he were to let go then she would be gone .. a mere dream, a memory. Buffy whispered softly to him, rocking back and forth, her own tears now falling unchecked.

"Giles, you’re the only one who can do this. You’ve always been the strong one, always been there when I needed you, always loved and supported me no matter what I’d done. I need that strength now, Giles. WE need that strength. I’m dead … you know that. I. Am. Dead." Aware that Giles’ sobs had gradually subsided, Buffy kept talking softly, needing to convince him. "Please, Giles, let me have peace … I can’t go on like this. It’s a mockery of everything. It’s a mockery of me, my life, my destiny … it’s a mockery of us … of our beliefs, our struggles, our pain. It makes all the good we’ve ever done completely meaningless and I will not let it end like this."

Giles raised his head, feeling a brief surge of pride at the quiet determination in her voice before the pain and grief settled upon him once more. Buffy’s hand softly stroked his hair and Giles slowly became aware that she was cold. A bone-chilling cold that seemed to suck all the warmth from him. He frowned and lowered his head, resting it against her chest. There was no thudding heartbeat to comfort him, no breaths being taken, no glorious rise and fall of her chest. She’s right, he thought, she can’t go on like this. Some welcome it … welcome the transition from human to vampire, captivated by thoughts of living forever, of watching humans live and die in the space of what is to them a few moments. To a Slayer, however, it is the ultimate torture. Wasn’t it Neitsche who said, thought Giles, "beware when fighting monsters, lest ye become one yourself"? I don’t think this was quite what he had in mind although it seems remarkably appropriate.

"Who did this?" Giles spoke softly, raising his head to look into her eyes. Buffy met his gaze evenly, knowing how painful it would be for him, but recognising his right to know.

"Spike," she said softly, looking away. "I felt … detached, felt like I was on the outside looking in … as though I was wrong, somehow." Buffy glanced at Giles and smiled briefly, "and that was even before you left, so no guilt-trip for you on this one."

"I was wrong to leave," he replied softly.

"Yes, you were," replied Buffy, "but you left for very good reasons and I should have worked harder to make you stay instead of running away like a child."

"Forgive me," he said softly and Buffy smiled.

"There’s nothing to forgive," she replied, her hand moving to trace the contours of his face. "Everything you’ve ever done has been for me. You gave up so much, accepted so much hurt and pain, all because of me. You’ve always done what you thought was best for me. I may not have understood that at the time, but I do now. Forgive you? I should be thanking you."

Giles shook his head. "I should thank you."

"Me?" Buffy gazed down at him , surprised. "What have you got to thank me for? All I ever did was insult you, ignore you or hurt you."

Giles chuckled slightly and tightened his grip. "Oh, love, you did so much. Your joy, your laughter, your strength, your determination, your … heart," he said softly. "You gave me life … a reason to get out of bed in the morning and face the day. Seeing you, your smile, your eyes, helped me through some of the worst times of my life. I wouldn’t change it for the world."

"That’s what you did for me," replied Buffy, tears running freely down her face. "You were the reason I didn’t give up, you were the reason I survived so long. Knowing that you were there, your door always open, accepting me no matter what I’d done … it gave me the strength to go on, to keep fighting the darkness. It was like … if I didn’t fight it then the darkness would win … it would consume the light. You were my light and I couldn’t let the darkness swallow you."

"That’s …" Giles swallowed, forcing down the tears that threatened once more. "I think that’s the most complimentary thing you’ve ever said about me."

"It needed saying," she replied, her hand tracing his face once more.

"Um … Buffy?" Giles took a deep breath and looked down, avoiding her gaze.

"Giles?"

"How do you …what do you … I mean …" He couldn’t say it, couldn’t put it into words. Words had a finality about them that he didn’t particularly want to face.

"Well," replied Buffy, kissing his hair, "my first thought was staking."

Giles flinched and Buffy reached down, cupping his chin and tilting his head up to face her.

"Why don’t we just sit here together and wait for the sun to rise. Let me see the sun one last time … with you."

Giles automatically glanced at his watch and then frowned.

"Well?" Asked Buffy, "how long have we got?"

"Just over three hours," Giles replied softly. "Can you hold on that long?"

"I can still feel it within me, if that’s what you mean," Buffy frowned, "but at the moment it’s okay … I can control it."

"If … if it gets too much …" Giles broke off and raised his head, meeting Buffy’s gaze evenly. There was no need for words. Giles’ eyes held a promise … a promise that he would keep even though it would break his heart. Buffy shook her head.

"I’ll hold on," she said softly. "I’m not putting you through that."

"You may have no choice."

"There’s always a choice, Giles," replied Buffy, raising an eyebrow at Giles' soft chuckle. "Come on, spill it big guy. What's so funny?"

"Not funny," smiled Giles, "more along the lines of a tragic irony."

"Which you're just itching to explain, aren't you?"

"Buffy, I left because I wanted you to be strong, to be the best you possibly could be. I just find it tragically ironic that you've now become the person I longed you to be."

"Yay me," replied Buffy. "It only took being turned to do it. To make me finally see not just how blind I'd been but also how … how low I'd sunk. Giles, some of the things I did …"

"No," interrupted Giles. "That's over. It doesn't matter now."

"Giles …"

"No," replied Giles firmly. "Don’t go there … I know enough. Willow told me."

"Let me guess," said Buffy. "You've been beating yourself up about it ever since."

"Buffy …"

"Jesus, Giles, how many times do I have to tell you? It's not your fault. I had the others as well, you know. They were still there, still with me and yet I went ahead and walked this path anyway."

Giles nodded and shifted slightly, trying to get some feeling back into his legs which had decided to go to sleep on him. Buffy felt a shock go through her at the sudden movement. She could feel his heart beating, feel the blood pounding through his veins. There was so much life in him … so much blood. Just a little bit, she thought, just a taste. Unconsciously, she moved her head closer to Giles' neck, drawn by the pulse pounding in his throat. No! The voice in her head was loud, demanding and unforgiving. Buffy drew back, horrified at what she'd almost done. The closer she was to him, the worse it became. She stood quickly and held out a hand to Giles.

"Come on, Giles," she said. "Let's go for a walk."

"A walk?" Giles rose, slightly shakily, stamping his feet. He took her hand and gazed down at her, his green eyes shining with emotion. Buffy looked into those sparkling depths, feeling a calmness settling on her. It'll be okay, she thought, I'll be okay as long as I can look into these incredible eyes. Didn’t someone once say that the eyes are the windows of the soul? Well, she thought, Rupert Giles you have one seriously incredible soul. She grinned suddenly.

"Giles, I don't particularly want my last moments to be in a graveyard," she said succinctly, wincing at the pain that suddenly clouded his eyes.

"Where would you like to go?" He replied with forced cheerfulness and Buffy frowned.

"Somewhere where there's no people around," she said softly, "where there's no temptation. Somewhere we were happy … before it all went wrong."

Giles thought for a few seconds and then smiled. "I know the very place."

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