Title: The Quality of Pain 3/3
Author: Sandra Pascoe
Disclaimer: The characters don’t belong to me – I’m only borrowing them for a while … don’t suppose you’d consider letting me have Giles on a sort of timeshare basis?
(by the way this fic is dedicated to Helen who has been a simply sterling beta reader for this fic!)
"Well?" Asked Giles. "Is this okay?"
"It’s perfect, Giles," murmured Buffy. "The one place we were all happy … where everything seemed so simple."
They were both silent for a few moments, standing hand-in-hand surveying the ruins before them. Buffy felt a sudden emptiness, a sense of incredible loss and she squeezed Giles’ hand tighter, needing the contact, the reassurance of his presence. Every time she thought of the school she always thought of Giles. Every memory had Giles in it - his breathless enthusiasm, his tea, his tweed … the nights spent researching … Giles’ passion for jelly donuts. It’s the little things that are important, she thought, not the big things. All that hellmouth-y stuff pales into insignificance next to the friendships that were nurtured, the companionship of those long nights researching or patrolling. He was always there, she thought, always at my side. My Knight, she smiled, my Knight in Tweed armour.
"Giles?"
"Mmmm?" He glanced down at her, his eyes bright with remembered moments and she smiled up at him.
"I want to see the library."
Giles nodded sadly, not trusting himself to speak as they moved silently towards the ruined building that loomed over them. He felt the pressure building within him, felt as though he were about to explode as a myriad of emotions surged though him: pain, anger, grief, pride and an almost overwhelming sense of complete helplessness and loss. He tried swallowing against the lump in his throat, tried to ignore the knotting of his stomach. With each passing second, each passing minute, it got progressively worse. He felt physically sick at the thought of what was to happen, knew that he would have to stand there and watch, helpless and alone, as the woman he loved walked into the sunlight for the last time. Giles kept his face impassive as they carefully threaded their way through the dark corridors but inwardly he was screaming. He fought against the anger and pain, needing to stay calm and strong for Buffy. She needed him in control, needed him to keep his emotions in check … needed him to help her take the final steps along the path she’d chosen. Giles tightened his grip on Buffy’s hand as they neared the library. He suddenly felt nervous, almost fearful of what would be revealed inside. He hadn’t returned after the explosion, he’d felt as though that part of his life was over … the tweedy librarian calmly packed away and a different Giles emerging. Giles took a deep breath and stepped over the threshold, stopping just inside the library. Somehow, it still felt like home … still felt as though this was where he belonged. Buffy glanced up at Giles and smiled briefly. She’d felt the atmosphere change as soon as they entered the library. It was like a cocoon of safety, a haven where no-one could ever hurt them and, more than that, it was all Giles … it was home.
"Still feels the same," commented Buffy softly and Giles smiled.
"It looks a bit battered though," he replied, glancing around.
"It still feels like home," remarked Buffy thoughtfully and Giles glanced down at her in surprise.
"Home?"
"I always felt safe here," she replied. "I always felt protected. This place was you … that’s why I loved it, that’s why I felt at home here. No matter what was happening out there," she indicated outside with a nod of her head, "I knew that as long as I could get here, get to you, then everything would work out … and it did … well, sort of, anyway."
"I never knew this place was so important to you."
"It was where you were … of course it was important." Buffy regarded Giles with a frown. "I never told you, did I? Never let on just how much you meant to me? How much you still do."
Buffy let go of Giles' hand and walked further into the library, aware of his eyes on her, watching her every movement. She turned to face him, smiling inwardly at the impassive expression on his face.
"You know, I always envied you that," she remarked and Giles frowned at her.
"Envied me what?"
"Your strength," she replied quietly. "Oh, I know … I had the physical strength, but you? You had the mental strength, not to mention that calm, 'nothing will phase me' expression you usually wear."
"You have the mental strength needed, Buffy," said Giles. "How else could you do this?"
"Because you're here," she replied succinctly, walking toward him and gazing unblinking into his eyes. "Without you, I'd have been lost. It's … it's all so confused. This … thing inside me had taken over completely. There was no 'me' left … until I saw you that is. You brought 'me' back, gave me this chance and it's your strength that will help me to take it."
Giles shook his head, trying desperately to ignore the voice in his head that was telling him it was getting lighter, much lighter. He looked down at Buffy in despair, wanting to wrap her in his arms for eternity, wanting to hold her, to keep her safe, to never let her go. Why couldn’t they have more time? Just a little … a few more moments, that’s all.
"Time to go, Giles," Buffy’s soft voice cut into his thoughts. "Come on, let’s go and see the sun."
Buffy pulled on his hand, leading him reluctantly back along the corridors. Giles’ head was in a whirl, it was an effort of epic proportions for him not to pull her back and he gritted his teeth against the tears that threatened once more. No, he thought, I have to be strong, have to be strong for Buffy. It was like a mantra and he chanted it to himself, trying to keep the pain and grief at bay for a while longer. Buffy stopped at the door, smiling softly at the now sun-drenched vista that softly beckoned to her. A few steps, she thought, and it will all be over. It's right that it should end here, in the place where it all began a few short years ago. She turned to face Giles, squeezing his hand reassuringly.
"I’m not going to make any speeches, Giles," she said softly, "but I want you to know that I do love you … I love you so much."
"Buffy …" Giles’ protestations were stopped by Buffy’s finger pressing against his lips. The whole situation felt so absurd, so unreal … as though it was happening to someone else. Reality, however, came crashing in each time he felt the numbing coldness of her touch, saw the deadness in her eyes or the paleness of her skin. He knew what she expected of him, knew that she was right … but that didn’t make it hurt any less. Buffy stood on tiptoes, reaching up and Giles leaned down, meeting her halfway. Their lips met in a gentle kiss, filled with love and longing. All the love they'd never been able to express to one another was revealed as their lips merged together and Giles pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around her. Buffy smiled slightly before deepening the kiss, loving the sensation of Giles’ warm tongue sweeping possessively around her mouth. She felt his tears on her face, felt the tense desperation in his touch and, breaking the kiss, Buffy drew back slightly, gazing searching into the tear-filled green eyes that gazed longingly into hers. She smiled slightly, raising her free hand to caress his cheek.
"Thank you," she whispered softly before gently pushing him back. She gazed intently at him, trying to memorise every crease, every line on his face. "You won't be alone, Giles. You'll never be alone."
She kept her gaze fixed firmly upon him as she walked backwards, unable to tear her eyes away from him, determined that he would be the last thing she saw. Giles felt his hands curl into fists, his knuckles turning white and his nails digging into his palms. He watched as the first rays of the sun hit her, watched as the smoke curled upwards from her. She was still smiling at him when the flames engulfed her and her body exploded into a shower of dust. Giles leant against the wall, tears streaming down his face once more. It's what she wanted, he reminded himself, you should be proud of her. I am ... but it doesn't lessen the pain, doesn't make it any more bearable. She's at peace at last, he thought, finally she can rest. At least we had the chance to say goodbye … to put things right. Wiping his eyes, Giles stepped into the sunlight, walking slowly away from the ruined school. As he did so, a gentle breeze swirled around him and he could have sworn he heard a tinkling laugh, felt her presence surrounding him, caressing him. No, he thought, I won't be alone, Buffy. I'll always have you with me.
END