Title: Love on the Rocks 2/3
Author: Opus, Bloom Co. Picayune ace reporter, aka Shelley
Flames: Bring `em on, baby.
Praise: Um, with all due respect, you've GOT to develop better taste in literature...
Disclaimer: Neil Diamond wrote the tune and lyrics to "Love on the Rocks", and he owns all rights to it. Mutant Enemy owns Giles, Buffy, and the rest of the Scooby gang. The idea for Giles' tragic propensity towards penguin lust came from Gileswench's excellent story, "A Word with You All," and I don't own that either. Lulubelle and Bluto are mine, however, and I am fiercely possessive of them.

Although he had been careful to get a flat without a binding lease--just in case he had to get back to Sunnydale quickly—it still surprised Giles how easy it had been to extricate himself from his life in Bath. He had simply moved all his things into storage, cleared out his bank account, and turned his keys into the real estate agent. By Sunday evening, he was ready to quit the quaint little town and head back to London. Next step: find a new flat, one in close proximity to the zoo. It would take a bit of work to find an apartment in St. John's Wood that would fall within his budget, and he didn't want to waste the time. Wanting to get back to the zoo as quickly as possible, he settled for the first dingy apartment in Camden that the agent showed him. The walls were so thin that there was no quiet to be had in his flat at any time of the night or day, but it was cheap and it was furnished ... and, most importantly, it was close to Lulubelle.

On Monday, he went to the public library, and checked out every book on waterfowl that he could find. He also used the public computers to search for books on-line. The University of Michigan listed six Ph.D. dissertations on penguins, costing $40.00 apiece, and he snatched them up as quickly as possible. Some small part of him began to worry about the vast amounts of money that he had spent over the past week, but the larger part of him didn't care. If he could win Lulubelle over, nothing else would matter. He still had enough funds to purchase an annual zoo membership, and that was all he truly needed.

The next day, Giles began his suit in earnest. It was exactly one week since he had woken in the middle of the night with a strange desire to go to London, but it felt like a lifetime ago. His life had changed so dramatically since he met Lulubelle that it was difficult for him to even remember what it had been like before that fateful meeting. He was happy and at peace with himself; whoever had cast that spell upon him had obviously grown bored with the exercise. He hoped that the spellcaster, whoever it might be, would leave him alone now; he didn't want any random spells to spoil his new relationship. He didn't think that Lulubelle would reject him the way that Jenny had after Eyghon, but he really didn't want to take any chances.

Waiting for the zoo to open, filling out the paperwork for his new membership, traversing the zoo to the penguin pool--all these things seemed to take an eternity. Finally, however, he was at the enclosure, looking through the glass at his love. His happiness melted away in an instant however, and was replaced by a white-hot jealousy. She was in a far corner with Bluto.

Desperately, Giles fought down his initial impulse to pick the lock to the enclosure and physically pull her away from foul fowl. The more primal part of his nature might be screaming that Lulubelle belonged with him, but he retained enough control over himself to know that such a reaction would destroy any hopes of a real relationship. He didn't want to play the aggressive alpha-male just so he could have sex with her; he wanted to woo her, and win her over to a lifelong commitment.

Giles took a deep, calming breath and knocked on the glass. To his delight, Lulubelle heard him and turned in his direction. She glided away from Bluto and began ascending the ramp in order to approach the glass. In order to be nearer *him*. Giles wondered whether his heart might burst with the rapturous joy that was flooding through him.

When Lulubelle had come as close to him as she was able, Giles gave her a shy smile. "Good morning, Lulubelle. I do apologize for not coming around to see you over the weekend, but I had matters to attend to. But I'm free to spend time with you now. Um, that is, I would li- like to sp- spend some time with you, if you, um, if that is ag- agreeable to you?" Giles finished the last sentence in a rush, his face glowing crimson. He ducked his head in embarrassment, and thus did not see Lulubelle's reaction to his boldness. But he heard it. In the dulcet tone of an angel, Lulubelle let out a cry that touched Giles' very soul. And he knew that everything was right between them.

The ex-Watcher spent the entire day with Lulubelle. He thought that he had told her the story of his life on Friday, but he found that he still had so much to say to her. Although Giles was shy and reserved by nature, he had no trouble talking to Lulubelle. In fact, it was effortless. Sharing his life and hopes and dreams with Lulubelle was the easiest and most comforting thing he had ever done in his life.

Although he could have talked to her all day, he didn't want her to become bored with him, so he interspersed his narrative with songs. He sang "Seabird" (an adaptation from "Freebird"), "Fly Like an Eagle," and "Rockin' Robin." When Lulubelle moved over to a pile of boulders, Giles was inspired to sing an old Neil Diamond song, "Love on the Rocks." Judging by the cries that Lulubelle issued, she apparently enjoyed this last song very much, and Giles sang it four times throughout the day. Several zoo patrons dropped coins in his guitar case, but he was too engrossed to notice.

By the time a middle-aged docent came over to tell Giles that the zoo was closing, his voice was hoarse and he was a trifle faint from hunger ... but he was also giddy with happiness. He had not enjoyed a day this much in years, certainly not since Buffy's seventeenth birthday. Perhaps not since he came to Sunnydale. He felt light and free, and Giles decided that being in love was good for him. Giles left the zoo and headed towards the closest take-out place with a happy grin and a jaunty whistle.

Over the course of the following weeks, Giles' life fell into a pattern. He woke up early, dressed carefully, grabbed his guitar, left his Camden flat, and walked over to Regent's Park. He always grabbed a bagel from a street vendor near the entrance to the park, and would eat his breakfast as he slowly walked towards the zoo on the northern edge of the park. Every day, without fail, he was the first patron to walk through the zoo gate. Once through the gates, he would run as quickly as he could towards the penguin pool, determined that no one else should arrive at the enclosure before him. After a few days, he noticed that she was waiting for him at their usual spot, and that just made him run faster to get to her. He would spend his day talking to Lulubelle and singing to her, and he would stay up late at night reading about penguins and their mating habits. His life was good.

Although Giles enjoyed his life, there were less pleasant aspects to his life ... and these quickly fell into a pattern as well. For reasons that he couldn't quite fathom, a large number of people were becoming increasingly hostile towards him. Zoo docents didn't enjoy talking to him, parents shooed their children away from him, and zoo security watched him with more and more scrutiny every day. The docent he had met on his first day trailed him from a distance on most days, though he never approached him. Really, a most peculiar fellow. Giles supposed that he could understand his landlord's animosity, though he didn't see how it was any of the blighter's damn business whether he bathed in fish oil or not. He had promised the officious berk that he wouldn't sit on any of the upholstered furniture without a plastic sheet when he was covered in oil, and he hadn't done so. To hell with that arsehole; Lulubelle seemed to enjoy the smell of fish oil, and that was all that mattered.

Moreover, it saddened Giles when he realized that there was one part of him that he couldn't confide in Lulubelle. Over the past few weeks, Giles came to the realization that he detested penguins. He wondered if this was how Buffy had felt, loving one vampire while simultaneously hating all others. Although Lulubelle glided like an ice-skater, the other inhabitants of the penguin pool waddled like fat sausages with legs. This had amused him at first, but now disgusted him. And the creatures made the most horrible noises imaginable. Oh, not Lulubelle; she sang with a voice like a thousand angels. But the others squawked incessantly, the high-pitched screeching affecting him very much like fingernails on a chalkboard. And the smell! Giles wasn't too fond of the fresh fish oil that he anointed himself with each morning, but he simply couldn't abide the smell of rotting fish and foul guano that hung over the penguin pool at all times. It was one of many things that bothered him about Lulubelle's living situation. She deserved so much more!

And there was Bluto. Always Bluto. At first the large penguin had ignored Giles, deeming him unworthy of notice. The arrogant bastard was egotistically certain of Lulubelle's affections, although he was in no way worthy of them. But as the days and weeks went by, Bluto became more and more possessive of Lulubelle. He began to shadow Lulubelle when Giles was there, shooting the ex-Watcher evil looks and squawking loudly during his singing. He wooed her incessantly, pointing his bill upwards and opening his flippers to the side, ignoring the fact that Lulubelle never showed any corresponding interest in him. As Bluto became more and more aggressive in his courtship, Giles began to worry about Lulubelle's welfare during his absence. Slowly, this fear began to gnaw at his contentment. During the day he bathed in Lulubelle's beauty and sang "Love on the Rocks;" at night, he fretted about her safety and drank scotch on the rocks. Since the malevolent fowl was responsible for eroding his happiness, it never surprised Giles that Bluto eventually brought his world crashing down upon him.

It had been a gloriously sunny morning, and Giles was as happy as he had ever been. Lulubelle hadn't stirred from her favorite spot once, and he had earned a fair bit of money from his singing. (That people mistook him for a troubadour had bothered him at first, but he had come to be grateful for the extra cash. Takeout food was expensive, but he hated to take the time away from Lulubelle to go grocery shopping, much less cook.) He was in the middle of a rather amusing story from an archaeological dig in Bahrain when Bluto suddenly waddled over to the lovers' trysting spot. He gave Giles a malevolent leer and then viciously began to mount Lulubelle.

As Giles watched in horror, the center of his universe flapped her wings in a desperate attempt to get away from her attacker. When she screamed her fear and defiance, a blinding rage fell upon him. Giles had spent a great deal of his life angry, but the intensity and purity of this fury was absolutely unparalleled in his experience. Not even the ferocious wrath that he had felt that terrible night when he had gone after Angelus with a baseball bat came close to the passion cursing through his veins now.

With a light touch that belied his large hands, Giles quickly picked the lock to the penguin enclosure. He ignored a stifled cry of "Oi there! Wot do you think you're doing, mate?" and ran into the exhibit. Within moments, he was at Lulubelle's side and was pulling the lecherous Bluto off of his love. Bluto hissed evilly at him, so Giles threw him against the wall with enough force to knock the penguin unconscious.

Now that Bluto was out of the way, Giles was finally able to do what he had wanted to do almost three weeks. He knelt down in front of Lulubelle, gazed into her petite black eyes, and gently caressed her face. Oh, he *could* have broken in earlier, but he had wanted to take things slowly, wanted to give her a chance to know him before he dared profane her beauty with his unworthy hand. Now that he was here before her, however, he could no more have stopped himself from touching her than he could have stopped his heart from beating. Lulubelle let out an approving hum, and the last of Giles' resolve shattered. He leaned his forehead down to her feathered brow and whispered, "God, I love you." Leaving his left hand upon her face, Giles slowly glided his right hand down her slick back.

Before things could proceed any further, however, Giles heard the click of a gun being cocked. He turned around, and was stunned to see himself surrounded by three members of zoo security, all with weapons pointed straight at him. Behind the rent-a-goons was Dr. Schneider. She curled her lip contemptuously at him and snarled, "Get away from the penguin. The police have been called, and will be here shortly to take you away." She grinned nastily and added, "This is good-bye, Mr. Giles. Your zoo membership has been revoked, and you are henceforth banned from the premises. You will not be permitted to harass Lulubelle ever again!"

As the harridan continued to smile triumphantly, Giles felt his heart shattering into a million pieces. He couldn't lose her now, he just couldn't! He repeated that mental refrain over and over again as he waited for the coppers to arrive and take him away. Once he was in the police car, however, that refrain began to lose its power to comfort him. As the car took him farther and farther away from the zoo, Giles couldn't help but recognize the fact that Lulubelle would never be his if he couldn't see her anymore. Although he maintained an impassive face, inside he was sobbing like a child.

~*~*~

Giles was charged with criminal entry and assault, and his bail was set at £500. His barrister told him that he was lucky, that bail would have been much higher if Bluto had died, but Giles barely heard him. Five hundred pounds or five hundred thousand, not much difference. He didn't have the dross, and had no way of acquiring it. Oh, he had many friends here in England, but he hadn't called any of them over the past six months and he felt awkward about calling them now from a jail cell. Besides, most of his friends were Watchers, and he didn't want news of his incarceration to make it back to Quentin Travers. The cretin would enjoy that far too much.

Unable to make bail on his own, and too stubborn to ask for help, Giles settled down for a lengthy stay. He asked one of the guards whether he might have the books that he had been carrying with him at the time of his arrest, but she glared at him with disgust and loathing. "I think not, Mr. Giles. I've heard about you!" Although he had no idea what he might have done to generate such a response, Giles did not push the issue. He simply asked for a pen and some paper. Perhaps Faith would enjoy having a pen pal residing in a British prison cell.

It was therefore quite a surprise when his cell door was opened a few hours later. It was the butch-looking guard who had taken such an unreasonable dislike to him earlier. "Righto, Mr. Giles! You've made bail. Time to clear out."

Giles looked beyond the guard to see who had procured his release. The tall blonde man facing him wasn't the very last person he expected to see, but close enough. His benefactor gave him a greasy smile and purred, "allo, Ripper. Just like old times, isn't it? Me bailing you out?"

"Ethan," he gasped in disbelief. "What are you doing here?"

"I caught the most interesting story on the television this evening, and I had to see it for myself. Come on. I'll buy you a pint and we'll catch up."

Wondering whether he was now better off or worse, Giles followed the lanky sorcerer out of the station.

~*~*~

When they were seated in Giles' favorite pub, Ethan stared at the ex-Watcher. Giles was stubbornly determined not to break the silence, but his resolve melted under Ethan's gaze. Finally, he could stand it no longer. "What," he demanded. "Have I grown another head?"

Ethan smiled wanly. "I'm sorry, Rupert, but it's too strong. I can't break it."

"What's too strong," Giles asked in confusion.

"The spell that you are under. You haven't run afoul of a vengeance demon by chance, have you? No human could have cast this."

Giles was still confused, but he was starting to become irritated as well. "What are you nattering on about, Ethan? While I can imagine that there might be a person or two in this world you might wish vengeance upon me," his mind briefly flashed to an image of Ben before skittering away, "I can assure you that they have not done so. I'm not under any blasted spell."

"Just as you say, old boy," Ethan said with his typical cynicism. "In that case, would you care to tell me about your recent incarceration?"

"A friend of mine was in trouble, and I saved her. End of story." Giles knew that he sounded sullen, but he truly felt that he was the aggrieved party in this matter.

Ethan raised a sardonic eyebrow at Giles' tone, but didn't comment upon it. "Tell me about this lady friend of yours. Have you ever been involved with anyone else like her?"

"There *is* no one else like Lulubelle," Giles responded earnestly. Ethan smirked, and Giles realized that he sounded like a stereotypical hero from one of Dawn's ridiculous romance novels. But it was the truth. Lulubelle was absolutely unique in her beauty, her grace, her kindness, her empathy, and her intelligence. There *was* no one like his love, and if he sounded like a prat for saying so, then so be it.

Regardless of what Ethan thought, he was still limiting himself to neutral questions. "Um, Rupert, you *do* know that Lulubelle isn't human, don't you?"

"She's a goddess," Giles declared sincerely.

"Quite. What I'm getting at is this: you and I are human beings, _homo sapiens_ to be exact. Do you have any idea what Lulubelle is?"

"I'm not sure that I appreciate your tone, mate." Giles reminded himself that he was in Ethan's debt for the moment, and took a big breath before continuing. "But to answer your question: she's an emperor penguin. An _Aptenodytes forsteri_, since you insist upon being precise."

Ethan looked deflated, as if he hadn't expected that answer at all. What, did he think that Giles didn't care enough about Lulubelle to find out things like that? They had been friends, lovers, and enemies for a long time, and Ethan should know him better than that. Looking like he was picking his words very carefully, Ethan said, "You must admit that Lulubelle isn't the type of pers-, erm, individual that you would normally be attracted to."

Giles stared at Ethan, wondering what the old sorcerer was getting at. Then it struck him. "Ethan," he said gently, "I've never made any secret of the fact that I am bi-sexual."

. "Bi-sexual is one thing; bi-special is another," Ethan muttered. Suddenly, however, the tall sorcerer seemed to take Giles' true meaning. "Hold on a moment, Ripper. Are you honestly suggesting that I'm jealous? Of a penguin?!?"

For the first time in their long acquaintance, Giles found himself pitying his old friend. Despite the pathetic denial, Ethan was transparent to him. "I'm sorry if this bothers you, but we have been finished for a long, long time now. You don't have the right to tell me what to do in this." Hoping to take the sting out of his stark declaration, Giles added, "I happen to know from first hand experience that you fancy a bird every now and then yourself." Giles couldn't help but grin at the memory of how he had acquired that bit of information.

Ethan apparently didn't recall the incident, because he gave Giles an odd look. "Birds, yes; but not *birds*."

Giles had no idea what Ethan meant by that remark, so he went back to his previous argument. "I love her, Ethan. Body, mind, and soul. Lulubelle is the *one.* I don't understand your objection to her, but I'm begging you: be happy for me." Giles had no idea why Ethan's opinion meant so much to him, but it did.

Somehow, Ethan seemed to understand. This didn't surprise Giles. Ethan was a self-absorbed bastard, cruel and petty, but he had always understood the conflicted ex-Watcher. "Tell me about her, Rupert," Ethan said quietly.

Against his own inclination, Giles did just that. He spent hours talking to Ethan, buying them pint after pint as he poured out his heart. It was liberating to talk to someone about his love, and Ethan was a surprisingly good listener. He told Ethan about Lulubelle's beauty and her amusing foibles, about the way her eyes would glitter happily when he sang to her and how much she understood about his life. Mostly, however, he talked about himself. About how Lulubelle made him feel. He was happy, happier than he had ever been, and it felt wonderful to express his joy to another person.

Only one event marred the evening for Giles. As it neared 11:30, an old woman at the bar suddenly raised her loud and abrasive voice. "Well, what's that on the television?"

Her companion, a rather masculine looking woman in an old housecoat answered, "It looks like a penguin."

Giles' eyes were automatically drawn to the television, and there he saw his beloved. He only saw her for a moment, however, before the camera swung to a plastic blonde beauty. Clearly a reporter. "At 10:45 this morning, the peace of this lovely enclosure was shattered by a madman. Rupert Giles of—"

"What?!?" Giles wasn't sure if it was more shocking to hear his name on the news, or to hear himself described as a madman.

"Ignore her, mate," Ethan quietly advised him. "Everyone knows that the media never bothers to get the entire story."

"—Camden district broke into the penguin pool and brutally assaulted one of the denizens."

Giles gasped in outrage and would have defended himself to the shadow on the television, but Ethan silently shook his head at the accused man.

"The motive in this attack is somewhat hazy, but personnel at the zoo report that Mr. Giles has exhibited an unhealthy interest in the assaulted penguin's mate for some time now."

"She's not—" Ethan stopped Giles' impending diatribe by putting a hand upon his shoulder and shaking his head again.

The camera now focussed upon Ralph Hobson, the docent that Giles had met on his visit to the zoo. "When I first met him, I thought he was a nice enough chap, but actually he's quite bonkers. See that bird over there?" The camera panned over towards Lulubelle, and Giles felt his heart skip a beat. God, she was beautiful! "He called her a goddess. Not like a patron who admires penguins though, but like a man madly in love." Ah, so Ralph was more observant than he seemed. Although Giles was annoyed with the docent for talking to that blasted reporter, he did wonder whether he had misjudged the old man. "I have been telling security for weeks now that they should keep an eye on Mr. Giles, but nobody paid me much mind until today." That bloody bastard! Giles made up his mind to give the blighter a good thrashing the next time they crossed paths.

The camera once again showed the reporter, standing in front of Lulubelle's cement home. "Zoo veterinarians report that the victim of this morning's attack is suffering from a broken wing and a mild concussion, but is otherwise unharmed. My sources in the police department tell me that the suspect had a guitar and a bag stuffed with books about penguin mating practices at the time of his arrest. Reporting from the London zoo, this is Cynthia Jones of Sky One news. Now, back to the studio."

A smug middle-aged man sitting behind a desk now filled the screen. He forced out a chuckle and said, "Penguin smut? Now I've heard everything! That's all the news for now; good night."

As Giles stared stonily at the closing credits, he found himself remembering a ridiculous cartoon that he had watched with Dawn, in which a character had gotten so angry that smoke came out of his ears. That visual gag had fallen flat for Giles, but he now found himself wondering when fumes were going to start coming out of his own auditory apparati. He had never imagined that he could become this angry. A second later, he discovered that it was possible for him to become even angrier.

A man at the next table smirked at his friend. "I'm going to email that story to Berke Breathed. Penguin lust!"

His companion threw his head up in an overly dramatic fashion and giggled, "Seeeeen any?"

Giles stood up suddenly, noisily knocking his chair down. "Sodding ponces! You will learn to keep a civil tongue in your mouth or I'll bloody well rip—"

"Steady on, Ripper," Ethan said anxiously. "They only know what they heard on the telly; no reason to give them additional ammunition. Sit down. Finish your black and tan. I'm going to call us a cab; I don't think either of us are in any state to walk home."

"Why are you doing this, Ethan," Giles asked suspiciously.

"I have no idea what you are talking about," Ethan said in his usual shifty fashion.

Giles sighed. "Why did you bail me out of jail this evening? Why did you bring me here and listen to me carry on for hours? And why are you being my much needed voice of reason instead of egging me on as is your custom?"

"I bailed you out because I heard that exact same story during the four o'clock news and I wanted to see if for myself." That piece of yellow journalism had aired twice today? Giles winced at that bit of information, causing Ethan to grin wickedly. "The idea of you attacking penguins at random and reading penguin smut seemed a little chaotic even for my tastes ... so of course I had to see it for myself! By the way, can I see your collection of penguin pornography?"

Giles flushed red from the top of his scalp to the tips of his toes. "No, you bloody well can not!"

Ethan's eyes twinkled with lecherous amusement. "Why, are they spoilt?"

Although some part of Giles knew that Ethan was just trying to get a rise out of him, he responded heatedly, "I have a few scholarly books about water fowl and their mating practices. They are *not*--" Giles petered out as he heard his old friend's lewd chuckle. "Fuck you, Ethan," he said with a sour look.

"Are you sure, Rupert? You rather gave me the impression that you were no longer on the market. I don't want to come between you and Lulubelle..."

Giles glared at Ethan for a moment, then burst into laughter. "As if you could!" He threw some money down upon the bar and went outside to wait for the cab, still giggling like the madman that Cynthia Jones had called him.

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