Title: Being the Slayer
Author: Sweetdoggie
E-Mail: Stirling_Summer@yahoo.com
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all other peripheral characters are owned by Joss Whedon and a multitude of corporations, none of whom include me. This story is meant solely to be entertainment and is not used in any way for profit.
Summary: Giles wants Buffy to write him an essay about the good and bad points of being the Slayer. Buffy gains a little insight.
Spoilers: Season 6
Pairing: BG
‘Giles called the other night and asked me to write him an essay listing the bad things about being a Slayer and then listing the good things about it. I guess just because your Watcher leaves you doesn’t mean he can’t give you homework. Maybe if I do this, he'll come home. That would make this worthwhile. He says I have to justify my answers. What a pain! OK, so here goes.’
Being the Slayer: The Good and the Bad
By Buffy Summers
Age 21 years
One of the bad things about being the Slayer is the fact that I am going to die young, well, OK, the fact that I have died young twice. That’s bad, right? The first time I died, the Master drowned me. I was so scared that night. I begged my mom to take me out of town but she wouldn’t. I told my Watcher that I was quitting and he tried to go in my place. I knew I couldn’t let somebody else die for me, especially not him. So, I went and I died right on schedule. Lucky for me, Xander, my friend, was able to bring me back.
The second time I died wasn’t as bad, in a way. I was ready. There was so much pain that I could just get rid of by dying, it seemed like a pretty good trade, especially since people I loved got to live. So, maybe I shouldn’t count the second death as a bad thing. It didn’t hurt and it was my time. I just wished that I had gotten to say better goodbyes is all.
The next bad thing about being the Slayer is all the fear. It’s not fear of dying, or at least, not anymore. It’s a fear of not being enough. Not fast enough, not tough enough, not smart enough. I have all those enoughs in my head every time I fight something. I think, is this going to be the one that gets my friends killed? Because I know that someday one of us is going to die and it will be my fault. I know I am not good enough to be the Slayer. That’s all there is to it.
Another thing that used to bother me about being a Slayer is the fact that I would never get to be a normal girl. That bothered me for a long time. I wanted to do things like the other girls. I wanted a boyfriend, I wanted to go to dances, dates, parties. I wanted to be a good daughter, a better friend. What I was, though, was the Slayer. That meant my boyfriend was a 243-year-old vampire. I loved him, but would he even have known I existed if I wasn’t the Slayer? Wasn’t that what attracted him to me? I think it was. If I had been Buffy the Normal Girl, Angel would never have even looked my way, and wouldn’t we all be better off?
I say this used to bother me, but it doesn’t much anymore. I think that’s because I used to believe that things could be different, but now I know that they will never be. I don’t mean to sound sorry for myself because I’m not. I am the Slayer until my final death. It’s just a simple fact of life that you get used to.
For some reason, being the Slayer makes Master Vampires hot for me. There was Lothos. He definitely had a ‘thing’ for me. Eeeuw! Then there was the Master. I’m not sure about him. He had that whole ‘corruption of innocence’ thing going on, but he specifically wanted to take me down. Maybe I shouldn’t count him. Let’s see. There was Angel. There was Dracula. There is Spike. I think 4 out of 5 with a question mark next to the 5th must mean something. If I had been a simple human none of them would have looked at me twice except as lunch.
One really bad part about being the Slayer is that I didn’t get to choose. I think, over all, that might be the worst part of everything. Some ‘higher power’ somewhere looked down and put a whammy on me against my will and without my knowledge. The unfairness of that still makes me mad when almost nothing else does.
The constant pressure of being responsible for everything isn’t always that great either. Nobody asked me if I wanted to become the guardian of a ball of energy that got turned into my sister. I might have been able to cope if it was just me, but I have Dawn to think about now. How can I be the grown up for her when I can’t do it for myself? I resent those damn monks. I love Dawn, but I don’t want this responsibility.
Never getting to leave the Hellmouth is another bad thing. Back before I was the Slayer, I figured I might go away to college, maybe go to Europe, do something else, somewhere else. I am tied to this horrible little town forever, though. My friends can leave, my sister can leave, my Watcher can leave. I stay.
Now, I’m going to list the good things.
I like being strong, fast, and healthy. Those things are very good. I like the feel of something evil dying under my hands as I crush its life out. Yikes! That sounds really bad. But it’s the truth.
I like the healing powers. I get so many injuries and they are just gone in a couple of hours. That’s pretty great. Of course, if I wasn’t the Slayer, I wouldn’t need them, but hey, this is supposed to be the up-side now.
I love that I have a sister that I would never have had otherwise. She can be a royal pain in the butt, but I still love her. I wouldn’t have had her if I weren’t the Slayer.
I can’t claim that my two best friends in the world wouldn’t be my friends if I weren’t the Slayer. They liked me before they knew. Actually, the fact that I’m the Slayer puts them into incredible danger all the time so maybe I should count that as a bad thing? No, Willow and Xander could never be a bad thing.
Another good thing about being the Slayer, probably the very best thing, is my Watcher. I have been very blessed to have such a good man, yes Giles, I mean you, to love and care for me. Merrick, my first Watcher, died to protect me, and you have tried so many times I can’t even count them all. If I wasn’t the Slayer, you would never have come into my life at all and I have to say, I would be the poorer for not knowing you. I have not been a very good or nice person to you after all these years. I have disobeyed, mocked you, teased you, ignored you, hurt you so many times. But the one thing that I have always done, even during that worst of times when I was eighteen, is loved you. I love you like my teacher, my mentor, my very best friend in the whole world. I love you like my father, my brother, my uncle. I love you like my protector, my guardian, my Watcher. And finally, I love you like a man. For years I couldn’t see past the tweed, the glasses, the twenty plus years between us. I saw the devotion, the caring, the love everyday and I never realized there could be something else. I think now that it wasn’t the Slayer screwing up the other relationships with men that I had. It was Buffy. Buffy who loved another man but was too dumb to see it. Buffy who loved Giles.
So, there you go, Giles. The bad things and the good things. Overall, I guess I wouldn’t trade being the Slayer for a normal life, not because all that stuff I wrote isn’t true, but because if I was a normal girl, you wouldn’t be in my life and that would be the worst thing in the world.
The End.