Title: Gifts
Author: Sweetdoggie (stirling_summer@yahoo.com)
Disclaimer: No permission has been granted to use the characters. They are owned by their creator, Joss Whedon, Twentieth Century Fox, UPN, WB, and Mutant Enemy. This story is non-profit and is intended solely as entertainment. No copyright infringement is intended.
Her friends fluttered over Buffy till she thought she might go mad. She never had any privacy. They watched her constantly. She wasn't allowed to lift anything heavier than a tissue and any attempt at even the lightest training was met with virtual hysterics.
They were all concerned that she didn't seem to be excited about the baby. Willow tried to get her interested in baby clothes but Buffy simply nodded at Willow's choices and looked away. Xander spent a great deal of time building and finishing a crib for her. It was beautifully worked, and Buffy thanked him, but her gaze was vacant as she stared at the new piece of furniture.
Giles redecorated one of the bedrooms nearest them to be a nursery. It was cleverly painted with fairytale characters on the walls. He had covered the ceiling with stars. It was a room any child would love. He took Buffy in to see it and she looked at everything very carefully, then nodded. “It's nice, Rupert.”
He had been hoping for more enthusiasm. Giles was deeply worried that Buffy's indifference to her pregnancy would make it hard for her to bond with their child. Trying to interest her in anything to do with the baby was a mistake, he knew it instinctively, but what else could he do?
They were sitting in the living room one night watching a TV documentary about the collapse of Sunnydale. Scientists had blamed it on a weakening of the subterranean limestone base that supported the town. Apparently, they explained, it had been crumbling for years due to the frequent earthquakes. It had finally collapsed completely taking the entire town with it. Buffy snorted as she watched the ridiculous fabrication of lies and simplistic half-truths. Former residents were interviewed and gave various explanations of how the place “just felt wrong” and how they had to leave prior to that day in May. The documentary creators speculated that the people were responding to subsonic vibrations that told them the ground was unstable. It was the biggest piece of swill Buffy had heard lately. Suddenly, she knew what she had to do.
“Giles...”
“Yes, love?” He turned to her. It had been ages since she had voluntarily started a conversation with him, since she had found out about the pregnancy, in fact.
“I need to go back. I need to go to that vision quest place.”
He was astounded. “But...but the baby.”
“The baby is not going to be in any way harmed by my having a tiny little vision quest. I need it. We can't go on this way, Giles. You know that. I have unfinished business there and it's pulling me apart.”
“I can't take the time from the Council right now, beloved.”
“I know. I didn't mean you to. I have to do this myself.”
“I can't allow you to go off into the desert when you are five months pregnant, Buffy.”
“Do you want us to be together? Do you want me to ever accept this baby? Because the way things are going now, I feel like giving birth and leaving you all, forever. If you don't let me go, we don't have a future.”
He was suddenly furious. “I know you don't want the child! I thought it would bind us together, but instead, you have used it as a wedge to separate us. I know why you don't want to marry me. You can't bear the thought of being tied to me permanently.”
“That isn't it. You're right when you say I don't want the baby. I'm having it because you want it, not me. I don't want to marry you because it just brings us one step closer to the end. I need to get right with myself, Giles, and I can't do that here in England.”
“And what if your spirit guide tells you that we aren't meant to be, that you should leave your child, your friends, your sister, me? Will you do that?”
“Do you know how much I want to be dead?” She asked him in a seeming non-sequitur.
“What?” For a moment, he thought he hadn't heard her correctly.
“They ripped me out of Heaven, Rupert. Out of Heaven! It wasn't just a nice place—it was my reward. I may never go back there and I miss it to the bottom of my soul. I will miss it all the days of my life and all of this,” she waved her hand at the house, encompassing him, the pregnancy, the entire foundation of his existence in one sweeping gesture, “is just ashes in my mouth. I think I have a chance to make it better. I need to take it.”
“You don't love me?” He sounded like his heart was breaking.
“I do love you. My heart wants you, but my pain is crushing me, crushing us. If I don't get away, we have no hope at all.”
He ran his hands through his hair. “How can you ask this of me, Buffy?”
“How can I not? I see what this is doing to us—how it's tearing us apart. I need to get right with this, Giles.”
He clenched his fists together so tightly that his knuckles turned white. “When will you go?”
“Tomorrow. There isn't any point in waiting.”
“Will you return?”
“One way or another, I'll come back. I won't just walk off into the sunset. I give you my word.”
He was so angry he could barely speak, not at her, but at the things that were driving her away. He wanted to take her in his arms and tell her he would never leave her, that things would be all right if she could just trust in the future, but he knew that was a lie. She couldn't be easy till she had figured things out in her own mind and he didn't have the heart or will to stop her.