Title: Finding Buffy
Author: Theef
Pairing: Buffy/Giles
Spoilers: a few up through season 6
Rating: R
Disclaimer: These characters belong to Joss Whedon, not me.
Warning: themes of suicide

Buffy thought that she was fooling everyone; that no one had any clue as to what she had been up to. She was wrong, they all knew about it. Even Dawn knew what Buffy had turned to. Every night she came home looking disheveled and dull-eyed, rumpled and tired. She no longer possessed those vibrant eyes full of energy after all of the fighting she had just left behind her. It hadn’t taken Dawn long to figure out that this was because Buffy was no longer spending her nights out fighting. She was spending them with Spike.

Willow saw it more now that she had moved into the house. But with Tara gone and her own personal struggles with her magic addiction, Willow didn’t bother to put much focus on what was happening to her best friend. It was primarily Dawn that felt the weight of her sister’s suffering.

Everyone else had been acting differently around Buffy since they found out just where she had been when they resurrected her. Xander was the prime example of this. He was so busy acting as though things were the same that it had taken him ages to catch on to what his friend was doing at night. Even now, after he had caught on to her trysts with Spike, Xander was unaware of just how much she was suffering. Perhaps he would have come to the realization that she needed help, but then he had lost Anya to his own insecurities at the wedding. Now he too was distracted with his own problems.

No one could help. The truth was, no one knew how to help. Buffy was not even aware that her friends knew about her nighttime activities. Dawn didn’t know who to turn to. She and her big sister sobbed alone in their respective rooms each night.

It was the events of an uncharacteristically cold night that jolted Dawn to action. It was nearly five in the morning and Buffy still wasn’t home from patrol. Dawn couldn’t remember a time when something like this had ever happened and Buffy hadn’t been in the company of the Scoobys, battling some apocalyptical foe. She sat by the window, praying that she would see the small blond form of her big sister coming down the road towards their house. As the hours passed, Dawn could think only of all the terrible things that were likely to happen the Buffy during the night. Just as Dawn was considering going to wake Willow, she heard a noise from outside. Looking out the window, she spotted Buffy in the yard. Spike was with her. They were arguing.

“Stay away from me. This is ending. Now.” Buffy’s words tore from her throat; she was literally sobbing them out.

“Oh Pet, you know you don’t mean that. You and me, we’re forever. Don’t you get it? You’re alone now, no one’s here to back you but me, Love. They were what made you strong. Now it’s just you, damaged and broken old Buffy, and I’m all you’ve got.” Spike’s voice was triumphant as he crowed out his last words.

Dawn watched in horror as Buffy allowed herself to be taken into Spike’s arms. When she began to kiss him back, Dawn turned away from the window. She had to do something. Spike had said that Buffy didn’t have anyone standing up for her anymore, no one to back her. She hated to admit it to herself, but it was true. Dawn knew that none of the others were going to be able to pull themselves away from their own problems to realize how much their friend needed their help.

It was times such as this one that Dawn missed Giles the most. She knew that he would never be too distracted with his own life to see that Buffy needed his attention. But then again, Giles had left them all. What did that suggest about his awareness of Buffy’s needs, Dawn wondered. He was in England, so far away that he couldn’t see what was happening to his Slayer.

As she sat huddled in her room Dawn’s thoughts turned to the absent Watcher. He had meant so much to all of them, especially Buffy, whether he knew it or not. She was positive that if Giles were here then everything would be okay. The longer she thought about it, the more it began to seem like the logical answer. Why couldn’t he come back? Hadn’t he told her to call if she ever needed anything? This was a situation that certainly warranted such a telephone call.

Dawn crept downstairs in the early morning light and picked up the phone. She dialed the overseas number quickly, hoping that Buffy wouldn’t discover her. Dawn knew that her sister would be furious if she did. Buffy was not one to acknowledge any personal weakness, and she especially hated it when others saw any such flaws in her.

Dawn squeezed her eyes shut as the phone rang and rang. She could feel her heart thudding in her chest. What if he wouldn’t come? What if she was overreacting? What was Buffy going to do when she discovered what she would see as her little sister’s betrayal?

“Hello?” All doubt vanished as soon as Dawn heard his softly accented voice. She started to cry. “Hello? Who is this?”

“Giles,” was all that she managed to choke out.

“Dawn? Is that you Dawn? What’s wrong? Did something happen to you? Did something happen to Buffy? Calm down and tell me what’s happened.” She could tell that he was trying to relax her with a gentle tone, but underneath the forced comfort was a hint of fear.

“Giles, it’s Buffy.” She heard a small hiss of terror. “No, no, she’s alright. I mean, she’s not hurt or anything. Please Giles, you have to come back. Everything is bad. Everything is going wrong. I don’t know what to do and no one else is going to do anything. She’s killing herself, letting him hurt her, believing him. Giles, please.”

“Shhh, Dawn it will be okay. Just calm down and tell me what’s so urgent. Who is hurting Buffy?” He had decided not to comment on Dawn’s request for his return just yet. That demand was more weighted for him than she realized. He couldn’t just come rushing back every time there was a bump in the road. Hadn’t that been why he left in the first place? He was confident that Buffy could truly handle whatever was happening to her if she tried. Dawn was most likely overreacting he assured himself.

“I can’t…I mean, it’s not my place to tell you. You just need to come back and fix it.” She had stopped crying, but he could still hear the fear in her voice.

“Dawn, I cannot come flying home every time Buffy runs into something she believes she cannot accomplish. You’re going to have to tell me what’s wrong. If it really is serious enough to warrant my return then I’m going to at least have to know what this problem is.”

She hesitated. Dawn let her feelings build for a full minute, Giles waiting patiently the whole time. She smiled slightly to herself. He was such a good man. With a small nod of her head to reassure herself she opened her mouth and let it all spill out. “Buffy thinks that she’s all alone. She thinks that no one cares about her and I think she’s a little bit right. I mean we all care about her and love her and everything, but everyone is so caught up in their own problems and with their own issues that no one can see. I mean, we see but we can’t do anything. Or maybe they don’t see. I don’t even know myself anymore Giles. But it doesn’t matter because what it all boils down to is that she doesn’t have anyone.” She took a deep breath. Time to twist the knife in the poor guy’s guts she thought. “And Spike can’t not hit her anymore. I don’t know why, but I know it’s true because I saw him hit her once and it didn’t hurt him. So he’s been saying all these things and she thinks he’s there for her but he’s not.” She stopped. She couldn’t do it.

“Dawn?” He sounded tired, maybe a little angry.

“Giles, she’s having sex with him.”

He groaned into the receiver. She heard his hand come up to muffle the phone as he swore to himself. “Dawn, do you know how long this has been going on?”

“No, I can’t say for sure, but it’s been a while now. It’s bad Giles. She cries every night. I think she thinks that he’s the only one that will love her, the only one that’s there for her. I don’t know what to do.”

“Don’t worry, you did the right thing by calling me. I’ll be there tomorrow. It may be best if you don’t tell Buffy that I’m coming.”

“Alright Giles. Thank you.” The last part was a whisper.

“No Dawn, thank you. Don’t worry, I’ll get this straightened out.”

Dawn hung up the phone and smiled to herself. Giles would fix it; he could fix anything. She climbed the stairs to her bed and fell into a sound sleep. It was her first in a long time.

* * *

Giles set down the receiver after Dawn hung up and went right to work packing and making arrangements, not giving himself a chance to really think about what he had just been told. It wasn’t until he had called for the taxi to take him to the airport that he allowed it to hit him.

Oh my poor Buffy.

Giles slumped down in a chair near the door so he could watch for the cab’s arrival. He let his head drop into his hands. Please, let Dawn be exaggerating. He raised red rimmed eyes at the sound of a horn honking. Alright Giles, you can do this. He picked up his bags and shut the door firmly behind him.

He spent the entire plane ride lost in thought. He let his guilt and fear build as the plane neared Sunnydale. It hadn’t been very long since he had left, but he knew that everything would be different. God, Buffy. No matter what he tried to do, his thoughts couldn’t stay away from her for very long. He wondered if she would be noticeably different. Would he be able to see Spike on her? Would she look the same as she had when he left? He thought that it would be harder if she was the same Buffy. The Buffy he had left behind would laugh in his face, maybe even hit him, if he were to suggest that she were in any way involved with Spike. No, this would be simpler if she were a different girl. Then maybe he could pretend that his Buffy was still safe somewhere, still herself. He shook his head. His Buffy? When had she ever been his?

It would be so hard either way. If there was one thing that he could not bare it was to see Buffy in pain.

He was startled from his thoughts as the wheels jolted against the runway. He looked out the window. It was night. In this light he could still be in England. The fasten seatbelts sign shut off and he stood and shuffled down the aisle off of the plane.

The taxi dropped him off in front of the little house on Rovello Drive. The lights were all off, only the porch light shining. It was nearly 2 o’clock in the morning. He wondered if Buffy was home.

* * *

Dawn heard the door swing open downstairs. It was either her sister or Giles. Buffy was never home this early anymore. Dawn threw her covers off and tip-toed down the steps. She watched the older man set his suitcase down next to the couch. He stretched and looked around. She watched him taking in all of the familiar surroundings. She was about to rise from her perch on the bottom step to go and greet him when she noticed that he was crying. The tears were silent, she only noticed when he took off his glasses to rub his eyes and the moon hit the tears spilling down his cheeks. Dawn crept up the stairs and then came back down, stamping her feet as she went.

By the time Dawn reached the bottom stair for the second time Giles was waiting for her with dry eyes. “Giles.” It was all she could think to say, but the tremor in her voice revealed all that she was feeling.

“Come here Dawn.” He held his arms out for her and enfolded the young teen in his arms. He patted her back and then held her back at arms length. “How are you? Perhaps a silly question to ask.”

She laughed. How was it that he always knew just what to say, what to do. “I’m alright, better now that you’re here. Buffy should be home soon. I’ll get you some sheets for the couch.”

“That’s alright, I slept on the plane,” Giles lied. “Why don’t you get up to bed. I’ll just sit tight and wait for your sister to return from her patrol.”

“Who knows if she even is on patrol anymore…” She looked up sharply when she realized what she’d said and whom she had said it in front of. “Sorry, Giles. I’m going to go to sleep now. I’m glad you’re here.” Dawn gave him a final hug and then hurried up to her room.

Giles sat on the couch and rubbed at his eyes. They stung from lack of sleep. His throat ached from trying to hold back his tears. Looking out at the street, Giles decided that it wasn’t likely that Buffy would be home within the hour. He walked down the hall to the bathroom and locked the door. Turning on the water, the Watcher let himself sob out all of his misery and fear. After a good ten minutes of his hidden tears he walked back down the hall to the living room and sat down on the couch to wait for Buffy.

* * *

The door swung open for the second time that night around 3 o’clock. Giles had been dozing on the couch, but the squeaking hinges quickly brought him out of his light sleep. He looked up to see Buffy shutting the door behind her. He watched in fascination as she removed her coat and reached back to rub at her neck. She leaned her forehead against the wall and he could see her shoulders heave once, twice as she sighed heavily. In the moment that she turned from the wall to face the living room time seemed slow down. She had lost weight, a lot of weight. She was so thin, her bones so much more defined then he remembered. Her hair was cut short, tangled and knotted from a night of who knows what. There were bags under her eyes, bruises on her arms. He wondered what other bruises her clothes hid. Her eyes met his. They looked so empty.

“Giles?”

“Buffy.”

They both looked at each other, the silence hanging heavy between them. He pushed himself up from the couch. From where he stood he could see that she was trembling. There was emotion in her eyes now; he could see fear. Was she scared of him? He took a step towards her. She took an involuntary step back.

“Giles?” Her voice was trembling with her body.

“It’s me Buffy. What’s wrong? Are you alright?”

It was his voice that did her in. The gentle accent, the soft tones, he could have been yelling at her and she still would have felt safe, comforted. She took another step back. This was Giles, come back all the way from England for what reason she did not know. He was still her Giles, the same kind-hearted man that had inexplicably left her behind to fend for herself. But she was not the same Buffy. She knew this, but she didn’t want him to. He had left her and now she was this ruined shell of what she had once been. She couldn’t let him see that. Turning, Buffy ran up the stairs to her room, slamming the door behind her.

“Damnit,” he muttered to himself. He pressed the heel of his hand into his forehead and then followed her up the steps.

He stopped to peak into Dawn’s room. The girl was sound asleep. He shut her door firmly. He didn’t want her to wake up. She believed that Giles was going to fix all of their problems, and he didn’t want her to be forced to realize the truth of it. The damage may be more extensive than Giles could fix. Why did you ever leave them you old fool?

“Buffy?” She was crying. He couldn’t hear her, but he knew that she was. It was too quiet behind the white wooden door. He had seen her, there were surely tears by now. “Buffy dear, please open your door.” He jiggled the knob, locked. “Can you at least tell me what’s wrong?” Nothing. He sat down, leaning his head against the door. He couldn’t force her, but he could certainly wait her out.

The minutes of silence stretched on. He glanced at his watch, nearly thirty minutes. He wondered what in the world she was doing in there. By now she should have burst through the door, screaming at him that this was all his fault. But then again, this wasn’t the same Buffy. Who knew how she would handle this situation now? Certainly not the man who had left her to get herself into it.

A sudden jolt of fear hit him. This truly was a different girl than the one he had left behind just a few months ago. He had no idea what she was capable of now.

Driven by his own fears, Giles began to pound on Buffy’s door. “Buffy! Buffy, please open up!” When he still got no answer he went down the hall to the bathroom and retrieved a hair pin from the cabinet. Returning to Buffy’s door he deftly picked the lock, slipping into the room. He didn’t see her at first, but a quick scan showed the Slayer sitting on the floor beside her bed, one of her many sharp knives held loosely in her hand.

His mind was blank.

Rushing around bed he sat down next to her on the floor. There was a single cut along her arm. He took the weapon from her and tossed it across the carpet.

He wanted very badly to pull her into his arms, but he didn’t know if that was the right thing to do. He had no idea what the right thing was. He was lost here.

“Giles. I’m sorry. I couldn’t. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. Giles? Giles, I’m sorry.” She looked up at him with tear filled eyes.

“Oh Buffy, it’s alright. I don’t know what to say, but it’s going to be alright.” He tried to keep the fear out of his voice. His chest was burning and his entire body trembling with terror. He had no idea what he was going to do.

You’re wrong, she thought to herself. He had no idea, no idea at all what she had been through since he’d left her alone. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t let herself fall into his safe arms, because this time nothing would be fixed. And even if Giles could fix everything, he would just leave her again afterwards. She would be so happy in the safety of his presence, then it would be gone. This was the one person that could never find out about Spike. If he did, Giles would leave for good. But then again, he would leave for good no matter what. He had left her, how could she forget that? He had left her to deal with everything at the worst time possible. Her tears stopped abruptly. The sense of hope she had felt disappeared. “No. It won’t be alright. I hasn’t been alright for a long time now.” Her eyes were blank again, lifeless. “You should probably go.”

“Buffy?”

“You left me to take care of myself, didn’t you? Well, that’s what I’m going to do.” A fake smile slid over her features. “I should clean this all up and get to bed. Have to be up early to get Dawn to school on time.” She stood up and moved to get some towels to clean off her arm.

“Buffy?” He stared at her from where he was seated on the floor. He had just seen his Slayer nearly kill herself. She hadn’t though, because if Buffy had truly intended to kill herself then there would have been no failure. Something had stopped her. He wished he knew what it was.

“Do you need to stay here, Giles? Come on, I’ll make up the couch for you.” She turned and walked out the door, not even checking to see if he was going to follow her. She was on autopilot now, shoving her emotions down deep. She had gotten good at ignoring these types of things lately. Having Giles back was making it difficult though.

Pushing himself up from the floor, Giles followed her wearily down the steps. “Buffy?” It was all he could manage. She turned and looked at him expectantly. He had no idea what to do.

“Please, talk to me?” He hated the whining note in his voice, but he could not conceal it. He needed her to talk to him. He needed to do something. He felt like grabbing her and hugging her, or perhaps hitting her. He felt like throwing up or crying or just screaming the unfairness of the whole ordeal to the heavens. Instead he just stared pleadingly at the Slayer.

“Giles, there’s nothing to talk about. You need the couch made up for you. I need to get to sleep, and I’m sure you’re tired after your flight. So why don’t you stop being so— why don’t you just come on.” Her voice had caught and he could see the hint of tears as she turned and hurried down the steps.

Giles rushed after her. “Stop being so what, Buffy?” She didn’t answer, just methodically pulled sheets out of a cabinet and turned towards the couch. “Come on Buffy, talk to me here. You just tried to kill yourself. I just saw you try to kill yourself. This is some fucking serious stuff here and this is not something that you can just turn your face from and ignore. I need you to listen and to stop being so bloody childish about thi—.”

“What?” Her voice was soft, but the tone stopped him mid-word.

“Buffy please, just talk to me. Just sit down with me here and we’ll talk.” He was near tears from desperation now.

“Don’t you ever call me childish, Giles. You lost that right when you walked out of here and left me to grow up overnight completely on my own.”

Her words stung. He opened his mouth, searching his mind for any reasonable explanation.

“No. You don’t get to talk. You don’t get to justify what you did, because there is no justification. You know, I understand now why you left, honestly I do. But you left at what was truly the worst time. I was dying inside Giles. It was such a struggle just to make myself move through each day, and then you left me to move everyone else along too.” Her voice was wavering. He took an involuntary step towards her, but she backed away. “Don’t come near me. You don’t have the right to touch me. I don’t ever want you to touch me.”

“Buffy, please.” His brain couldn’t seem to think of anything but this plea tonight.

“Do you want to know, Giles? Do you want to know everything that’s happened since you got on that plane? Xander and Anya are through. He caved in at the wedding. Everyone was there, and he just couldn’t do it. His father was there, drinking everything in sight, his mother a mess, and there was little Alexander Harris in the middle of it all, and he just couldn’t do it.”

Giles ached. Xander. He should have been there, should have come. He had thought that the wedding so soon after he had left them all would be too much. He should have gone. Maybe he could have talked to the boy, explained to him that he wasn’t like his family. Why couldn’t Xander see how much more he had to offer?

Buffy wasn’t finished. “Willow is completely addicted to magic. To be honest, I don’t know if she’ll ever get over it, especially now that Tara’s gone. Yep, she left the same night that you did. Every day I pray that she doesn’t have some sort of relapse and kill someone.”

He should have known something like this would have happened. After the resurrection he should have watched her more carefully. He should have spoken to her more after his initial explosion of anger. There was so much he should have done.

“Dawn’s stealing everything in sight. We found out that she’s been stealing from the Magic Box. I don’t know why, but I’m obviously doing something wrong here. Out of everything, Dawn really means something, and I can’t even get that right. She even stole my birthday present.” The last part was a sad whisper, almost a sigh.

Giles didn’t know what to say. He was at a loss here. The others he’d been prepared for, but Dawn was a bit of a shock. Poor Buffy. This had truly been the wrong time to leave her. But could there ever be a right time? “Buffy, you’re doing your best with Dawn. It’s not your fault. It’s just something that you have to work on with her. Not everything can go right in the beginning. You certainly didn’t listen to me at first.”

She just stared at him. How could he do this? He just came here and talked and she started to feel better. What was it about him that was so magical? But for every warm feeling he gave her, in the back of her mind was the knowledge of the horror that would be displayed on his face when he found out just how much had gone wrong since his departure. No, she couldn’t help but partially blame him for some of her problems. She also couldn’t help but fear his disgust and rejection when he found out the truth.

“Giles, you should get to bed.” She lowered her eyes, but not before he caught the hint of tears in them.

“Buffy, I am begging you now, talk to me. Whatever it is, it cannot be so horrible. Listen to me: I promise you that I will stay here until we straighten these things out. Okay?” He hadn’t meant to say it. It has just slipped out. He couldn’t stand to see her in so much pain, suffering so much. Giles knew it was true though, he would stay until things were better otherwise he wouldn’t be able to live with himself.

“Really?” It would only be temporary relief, she knew that. She could never be truly at ease unless she had a guarantee that he would always be there, but right then, at that moment his promise was enough.

“Yes, really.”

Her smile was true, reaching her eyes. “Thank you, Giles.” She walked to him and gave him a small hug. She pulled away quickly though, and hurried up the steps to her room.

“Buffy?”

“Not now Giles, I can’t right now. But this is important. Thank you for staying, for helping me.” And then she was gone, disappearing around a corner, leaving him standing with his mouth open in the middle of the Living Room.

It wasn’t what he had wanted, not what was necessary, but he couldn’t help feeling just a little bit happy. She had said not right now. That meant that eventually she would talk to him, and together they would fix her…and then he would leave. He sat down heavily on the couch. He had some serious thinking to do. Giles doubted very much that he was going to be getting much sleep.

* * *

Buffy curled up into a ball under the comforter. The night was cold and her blankets weren’t enough to warm her. She could think of little but Giles sleeping a floor below her. Well, she was pretty sure that he wasn’t sleeping. She had seen the pained look in his eyes when she had let herself go earlier. She wanted very badly to go and talk to him, but she was unsure if she could see him again without loosing her fragile grip on her self-control.

It had been very difficult to hold back just then. She had very nearly allowed herself to tell him everything, to tell him not just about Spike, but about the empty ache that she felt all of the time these days. She had almost told him that she wished she hadn’t lost her nerve tonight in her bedroom. How she wished she had pushed the knife blade just a teeny bit harder. She remembered how tempting it had been. The idea of letting all of the pain she had been feeling flow right out of her wrists had been so enticing, but there was too much keeping her anchored.

Practically, Buffy knew that her suicidal fantasies were impossible because so many people depended on her, but the real thing that had stopped her was the thought of Giles’ face. She had imagined the hurt in his eyes, the misery etched across his face. No, she could not do that to him. The others would eventually get over loosing her again, even Dawn. Giles was a different story. She knew that if she had killed herself that night, with him sitting right outside of her door, it would have been too much for the Watcher.

Snuggling deeper down in her covers, Buffy wished that she could go talk to him right now. She had the distinct feeling that if she waited much longer she would never be able to tell him about Spike, about the emptiness that she kept trying to fill with her violent sessions with the vampire. The longer that he was here the more she wouldn’t want him to go, and in her efforts to keep him she would not tell him the one thing that she feared would anger and disgust him enough to make him walk out the door yet again.

Rolling over, Buffy stared at the ceiling. She knew that she should just go talk to him right now. It would be better for both of them. She tried to rationalize it, telling herself that he was probably asleep and that it wouldn’t be right of her to wake him. Yeah right, she knew that he was as much asleep as she was. Despite everything that she had faced in her short lifetime, Buffy was unsurprised to find that facing Giles was the most frightening of all.

“Coward,” she muttered to herself. Letting her apprehension overtake her, Buffy pulled the covers up higher and shut her eyes. The night yielded little sleep for the weary Slayer, plagued as she was by her tumultuous emotions.

* * *

The night presented the same slight opportunities for sleep for the Watcher, a floor below. Lying on his back on the couch, Giles found relaxation of any kind impossible. All he could think of was Buffy sitting on the floor of her room, knife in hand, emptiness in her eyes. She was back up in that same room now, alone again. It was difficult to keep his terror under control.

Sitting up on the couch, Giles turned on the TV in an effort to chase away his thoughts. It was a useless effort, he knew, but one he felt necessary. Distraction had become a way of life since he had left Sunnydale, no reason to abandon it now. Overhead he could hear the creaking of the boards in Buffy’s room. It looks like I’m not the only one going sleepless tonight, he thought to himself.

He tried to focus on the TV screen, but it was pointless. The late night chatter of the box couldn’t tear his thoughts away from the recent events. He knew that he should go to her. It didn’t matter that she had told him she would speak with him eventually. He knew as well as she that too much time would not heal, but hinder their efforts. She would not tell him about Spike, he was sure of that. She would not tell him about Spike, and she would not tell him why she had tried to kill herself.

Giles stood up suddenly. He needed to speak with her. If Buffy meant anything to him then he wouldn’t allow her to shut him out. He wouldn’t allow her to loose herself in her misery, in her self-loathing. He knew how easy it was, how tempting it could be to let yourself slip away into the depth of your own thoughts. Turning for the stairs he was resolved that he would break through at least some of these barriers before the sun rose.

He climbed the stairs quickly, knowing that if he thought too much he’d be back sitting on

the couch in seconds. He opened her door slowly, not wanting to wake her should she miraculously be sleeping. She had looked so tired.

Buffy was laying on her side, her back to him. Her breathing was quick and uneven. Giles sadly thought that she hadn’t likely had a restful sleep since the night that Willow had brought her back.

“Buffy?” His voice was a whisper. She turned swiftly at the sound.

“Giles? What are you doing back here?” Her words were gentle. She tried to look angry with him, thankful that the darkened room hid the slight smile she was sure was on her face.

“I think that you and I need to talk tonight Buffy. I think that it would be a bad idea to wait. I think that you know that as well as I do. I think that...I think that I’ve been thinking far too much about all of this.” She smiled at his familiar fumbling speech. “I – I – Buffy, I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry for leaving you. I know now that it was the wrong time, and I must have been a blind fool not to see that. But now I’m even beginning to question if it was the wrong action as well.”

She remained silent, moving herself to a sitting position as Giles began to pace. She wanted to shush him, to tell him that it was alright, that she forgave him for everything, that she could never stay angry with him, but this was something that they needed. Buffy understood that everything needed to be put out in the open, the air needed to be cleared completely before any sort of true healing could begin.

“I understood that I left you at a seemingly inopportune time in your life, but I had always thought that you would have your friends to continue to act as your support system. Buffy, I understand that you care for me, but before I left the only function that I was serving was to take on all of your responsibilities. I could not stay; had I done so I would have continued to do everything you asked because I cannot say no to you. If this had happened then you never would have overcome what happened to you.”

She stopped him here. “Giles, in case you haven’t noticed, I haven’t overcome anything.”

“Oh but you have, Buffy. It may not seem like it to you, but you have. You get up every morning and do what needs to be done, and this in itself is an accomplishment that I couldn’t be more proud of.”

She smiled into the darkness. This was good, having him here. She was amazed at how good his simple, sincere comment had made her feel. Her pleasure was overshadowed by the truth of the situation though. Sure, she was getting out of bed, but that was only by sheer force of will. The effort of moving through a single day left her so aching that each night she went to Spike’s crypt, where she could replace the mental pain with the preferable physical pain. How proud would he be when she told him that?

“Giles, I know that I get up each day, but it’s not for me. I get up because I know that someone needs to do all of the stuff that I do. I want to be able to get up for myself. I miss that. I miss waking up and looking forward to something, even it was just an outfit I was going to wear, or going to the Bronze with Willow and Xander.” Her voice was high pitched and beginning to quake.

“Oh Buffy sweetheart.” He sat on the edge of her bed and placed a hand gently on her knee through the sheets. He wanted very badly to pull the sniffling girl into his arms, but he didn’t know if he was permitted to do such things now.

“Giles, it’s just too much for me. I’ve been trying, honestly I have, but it’s all so much. I have to watch everyone, make sure that they’re alright, but I’m so not alright myself that it’s ridiculous.” She was crying now, sobbing. She clutched at the sheets, desperate for the pain to stop. She thought of Spike. She wanted to go to him right this second. She wanted to stand up and run past Giles, run all the way to cemetery and get rid of her horrible feelings.

Giles couldn’t watch her cry. He no longer cared whether or not it was the appropriate thing to do after the anger she had expressed towards him earlier, but he pulled the trembling Slayer into his arms. “Shh, Buffy darling please don’t cry. It’s going to be alright.” He was aware that his words were fairly meaningless, but he needed to say something.

Buffy was desperate. She was clinging and sobbing so intensely that she was ashamed. It didn’t matter though. She was too tired to fight against her feelings. She clung to Giles as if he were her last hope, her only savior. She twisted the fabric of his shirt tightly in her fists and pressed her face into his neck. He smelled good, like the outdoors and tea and that smell of old books that had always been the trademark of the Sunnydale High library. Her breath coming in gasps, Buffy hauled herself into Giles’ lap and wrapped herself fully around him.

Giles responded in kind, hugging the slight girl tightly against him. He stroked her hair, back, neck, trying desperately to calm her. A dam had burst, and he knew that she needed to cry everything out. Rocking her back in forth in his lap, Giles pressed his lips against the top of her head and whispered comforts into her hair.

“Giles. Giles, please. I’m so sorry for everything. I’m so sorry that it all happened, but I can’t anymore. Please make it stop.” He had trouble making the words out as she choked them through her tears. It was obvious that he and Buffy were going to have to sit down and talk through everything, but now certainly didn’t seem like the right time for rational conversation. Instead, Giles lay back against the pillows with Buffy in his arms. He continued to hold her close as she pleaded with him to stop her pain.

Frustration mounting, Giles pulled the covers over the two of them and then reached down and tilted Buffy’s chin up. Her eyes met his and her sobbing quieted a little as she looked at him questioningly. “Buffy, you need to calm down. Just calm down and we’ll lay here until you can fall asleep. Okay?”

“No.” Her crying had stopped as he talked, but she was still shaking violently. “Giles, I messed up. I need to tell you now, or I never will.” Buffy sucked in a deep breath, trying to steady herself. She was terrified. What if he stood up and walked out the door. After letting this much of herself loose she didn’t think she’d be able to survive without him there to coach her through the rest of the way.

“Yes Buffy?” He was mentally preparing himself for what he knew was coming. He would not let the sadness that he felt for her show on his face, lest she mistake it for some other less kind emotion.

Fixing her eyes on his shirt Buffy exhaled sharply and then let everything pour out of her.

“It was so hard when I came back. Everything was so sharp and hard and painful. When I first woke up in the – in the – the grave I was so terrified. Giles, I can’t explain how scary it was. And everything hurt so much. The ground hurt to walk on and the air hurt to breath. It was like that for a little while, but then I just stopped feeling it all together. I figured out that if I could just shut everything out then I wouldn’t have to feel anything, because feeling hurt so damn much.” Her voice had begun to shake again.

“I was happy when you came back, really happy. You understood. Did you know that, Giles? You asked me those questions, asked me how I really felt when everyone else ignored how withdrawn I was because they were so glad to have me back. I knew that you knew something was wrong, but I didn’t want to talk about it, I didn’t want to think about it. Then there was that stupid musical demon, and then suddenly everyone knew. It was so hard, because now I could see the guilt and the pity from everyone. It was impossible to even pretend to be myself. And then you left, and there wasn’t a point in even trying anymore.” She was crying now, Giles rubbing her back in slow circles as he tried to keep his own tears in check.

“You left and I just gave up. I mean, I kept going through the motions, trying to do things the way I used to, but it wasn’t working. Getting up every morning was like trying to make myself walk through this black fog, and then the day would go on and it would just get harder and harder to keep going. Giles, I can’t feel anything that doesn’t make me hurt and it’s killing me. And the horrible part is I’m not sure that I mind. I just wish that it would hurry up and do the job.” She let him hold her for a few minutes, getting herself under control again. She knew what was coming next, and it terrified her.

Giles watched as Buffy sat up and scooted back from him a few inches. He knew what was coming and he steeled himself for the blow. “I was so miserable, and I just wanted to feel something. I wanted a distraction from all of the pain that was everywhere I turned. Giles, I’m so sorry.” She looked him straight in the eyes. “I’ve been sleeping with Spike.”

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Buffy squeezed her eyes shut tight. She didn’t open them until she felt a hand on her cheek.

“Buffy sweetheart, open your eyes.” His voice had a slight chuckle in it.

“You’re not going to leave?”

“Of course not Buffy. If anyone should be upset it should be you. Listen to all that you’ve gone through. It is amazing that you’ve been able to do this, and even more amazing that you found the courage to tell me. I’m not leaving you. We’re going to fix this, you and I, together.”

It hadn’t been as bad as he’d thought. She’d slept with Spike. It was so simple. She’d been miserable and alone and dying inside, so she’d had sex with Spike. There was no love there, she had merely been using the vampire as a way to keep from going insane. He wondered at his own relief. Why was he so relieved that she had no feelings for Spike? Putting aside that line of thought until later he focused himself back on Buffy, who had begun to cry in earnest again. “Buffy?”

“Please don’t go Giles. I know that you’ll stay until I’m better, but then you’ll just leave again. I’m so scared. What if you leave and it starts again? What if we can’t even fix me in the first place?” Her voice had become frantic, her breathing unnaturally fast. Looking at her tear-filled eyes, Giles realized that he’s lost her again.

“I’m so sick of feeling broken and dead inside. I just want to feel something.” This came out in a whisper. She was no longer looking at him. Her eyes had glazed over and she was scratching violently at her arm, beginning to draw blood.

“I need to go. I can’t do this.” She said it quietly. She probably wasn’t even aware that she had said it at all, but Giles heard. He looked at her and took in her bleeding arm and her deadened eyes. In that instant he knew that he would never leave her. When they succeeded in restoring Buffy to her former self he would not be able to. To have the old Buffy back was not something he was going to be able to just pick up and leave behind again. He couldn’t bear to see her like this.

“You’re not going to see Spike.” His voice was firm, but as always the undercurrent of concern could be heard. “You don’t need to go to him to feel something Buffy. There are people here for you, others that will hold you and give you feelings other than pain. Pain is not the only thing left for you.”

Buffy flinched, looking up to meet his eyes. “I wish that that could be true.” Her voice was hollow, her eyes empty.

Giles reached forward quickly, surprising himself as he grabbed her hands in his. Fear driving him forwards, he pulled Buffy tightly against him. “There is more for you Buffy, so much more. You will not be lost to this misery that you do not deserve.”

Overcome by desperation, Giles released his grip on the girl and stood up. Buffy looked on in shock as he pulled his shirt over his head and stripped down to his boxer shorts. Climbing under the covers next to her, he wrapped himself fully around her shaking form. She was wearing only a t-shirt and underwear. His skin was warm against every part of her. “Feel me, Buffy. I’m real, more real than that bloody vampire. I’m real and I’m here for you. I’m not going to leave, and I’m not going to hurt you. Focus on this Buffy. I love you. We all love you. You can do this, and you will. But tonight you rest, and you feel. I’m here.”

Buffy wrapped her arms around the Watcher. In contrast to his rough hands, the skin of Giles’ body was soft against her. Her hands on his back felt the puckered skin of scars, scars she was sure appeared all over the weathered body. She could feel his heart beat against her chest, and the pulse in his neck throbbed in her ear. He still smelled like the same comforting Giles smell he had before. He was so warm. Spike had always been cold, like Angel. His hands were cradling her head and neck, fingers gently massaging her tensed muscles.

Every inch of her was covered in Giles. She shut her eyes tightly and let her body relax into his. His whispers of comfort became a gentle background noise, surrounding her as her fingers played over the smooth skin of his sides. Minutes passed, and Buffy realized that she had become lost in the magic of the moment.

A shudder ran violently through her body. There it was, she thought to herself. It came in a flood. It was relief and happiness and safety and warmth and love. It was feeling, and it didn’t make her ache or cry.

She lifted her face from where it was buried in his neck. “Thank you.” The words were quiet, leaving her mouth like a breath of air. They were enough, and he smiled softly into her hair.

The two of them lay under the sheets, molded to each other. Buffy wrapped her arms underneath his, bringing them up to the back of his neck to stroke the soft curls of graying hair. She shifted until she was laying completely on top of her Watcher, her face pressed tightly into his neck, smelling his comforting scent with every breath. He wondered how she could breath in such a position. He circled his arms around her, sliding under her shirt and rubbing her back gently.

Buffy dropped off first, snoring softly. He watched her for a long time, listening to the small grunts and sighs she made in her sleep. Finally Giles allowed his eyes to slide shut and he slept deeply through the night.

* * *

Dawn woke up Willow the next morning. She dragged the older girl down the hall and quietly opened the door to Buffy’s room. Willow suppressed a squeal of pleasure at the sight before her. Buffy and Giles were both breathing deeply, sound asleep. Willow and Dawn could both see the smile of contentment on Buffy’s face. The witch hugged Dawn tightly to her, both of them grinning like mad. Giles’ mouth was open slightly and he was muttering to himself. A draft blew in through the open door and his arms wrapped more tightly around Buffy’s small body.

“Come on Dawny, lets go call Xander and tell him Giles is here.”

“And that he brought Buffy back with him,” Dawn said with a wide smile.

END