TITLE: Mission from Da Wench
AUTHOR: tkw97
FEEDBACK: tkw97@yahoo.com
SPOILERS: I guess pretty much everything
RATING: PG-13
PAIRING: B/G
DISTRIBUTION: If you want it, just ask.
DISCLAIMER:  I own nothing, nothing, Herr Kommandant.
SUMMARY: Response to Gileswench’s fix it challenge on BGWM.  I don’t think it was quite what you were after, but there was so much to fix!  Set during ‘Tabula Rasa’, just as Giles tells Buffy he is going to leave.  I had to fix that one first!

Pairing: B/G...after all, this is a B/G list.
Rating: Open. I honestly don't care if it's G or NC17, so long as it makes me laugh my ass off.
Your Mission: Choose any one moment from S6 or S7 that made no sense to you, and fix it. In a fun way.
Requirements: Somebody noting that he/she has been acting oddly of late and wondering why, the completely pointless and silly death of your least favorite character other than the core four Scoobies, someone - anyone - remembering that Giles has a brain (extra points if it's Giles who comes up with this revelation), Buffy doing something actually heroic.
Optionals that will earn you extra Wenchpoints: penguins, a reference to either Star Trek, Red Dwarf, or Babylon Five, a slashy pairing that doesn't involve Willow, a Beatles song, someone other than Anya being terrorized by bunnies.

A/N:  I know tere are people who write songfic, and do it well.  I’m just not one of them.  Please don’t take my comment as a slam on writers of songfic, it is directed at me.  I mean no offense.

Thank you to Rari Sue for graciously allowing me to steal her entrance and to Shelley Sue for the beta.

“I’ve thought this over…and over,” said Giles, heart breaking inside, “and I believe it’s the right thing to do.”

Buffy stared at him, stunned disbelief written on her face.  “You’re wrong,” she declared vehemently, before turning to storm out of the training room.

As Buffy went to make her dramatic exit, there was a crackle of electricity through the air and blue sparks began to fly.  Watcher and Slayer both turned to determine the nature of the disturbance and were confronted with the sight of an expanding portal in the center of the training room.  A figure became visible within the portal and when the sparks and crackles of energy had dissipated, the figure was left crouching on the floor of the Magic Box back room, a la Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Terminator.  But fully clothed and not at all naked, because this is not a horror story!

Buffy took a step forward to see who or what had so rudely interrupted her angry stomping departure.  It seemed to be a woman about her height, but nowhere near a size two.  Obviously, this woman did not possess the willpower to get through the day on a lettuce leaf and three raisins.  She looked a bit older than the slayer and was now shaking her head as if to clear away some confusion.  When she noticed Buffy, her eyes widened a little and then a small smile worked its way on to her face.  The mystery woman swept her eyes across the room and quickly fixed them on the figure of Giles, who had risen from his seat on the couch to investigate this latest phenomenon.  The small smile quickly gave way to a much larger, more lecherous expression of delight.  Buffy narrowed her eyes.  Whoever this woman was, she did not like the way she was looking at her watcher.  The slayer stepped in between the two of them, cutting off the visitor’s view of Giles.

“Who are you?” Buffy demanded.  “And why have you weird scienced yourself here?”

The visitor ignored the angry slayer, instead stepping neatly to the side so she could openly study Giles again.

Giles balked a little at this intense scrutiny and cleared his throat. “Er, hello,” he said.  “Can we ask who you are and why you are here?”

“You can ask me anything you want,” the woman happily answered.

“I already asked,” complained Buffy.  “How about you answer the question this time, or I deliver you a world of pain.  I am so not in the mood for any more crap today.”

“Oh, I know you’re not,” replied mystery girl sympathetically.  “That’s why I’m here, to help you guys out.  I’m sorry I was so rude; I momentarily thudded.  My name is Mary Sue.”  She smiled brightly at her introduction and looked expectantly at the two other people in the room.  Giles smiled back politely, a little unsure, and Buffy continued to glare.

Mary Sue sighed.  “This concerns everyone else as well, so why don’t we go into the front and wait for them?  They should get here any minute now.  I don’t want to explain myself five times.”

“You can explain yourself ten times, for all I care,” stated Buffy, sounding very annoyed.  “And I’m going to add to the ever-growing list of questions.  Who sent you?”

“I told you: I’m here to help,” Mary Sue explained.  “I’m from the future.  There are those of us who are deeply invested in your lives and we are not happy with the way things have turned out.  So Wenchie Sue has challenged me to try and fix things.  She looked right at me and everything.  There are few people in my world who can withstand the mind powers of Da Wench.”

“Wenchie Sue?  There are more of you?  With powers?  What do you think you can fix?”  Buffy was looking more incredulous as each word was spoken.

“Listen,” said Mary Sue, growing a little angry, “just stop butting in and accept help when it’s offered.  That’s part of the problem here, little Miss I-Am-The-Law.  I would have laughed if you had said that in a bad Stallone accent, but I guess that wasn’t what you were going for then.”  She stopped at the looks of confusion on both other faces in the room.

“Perhaps if you tell us *how* you got here, we might have a better idea of what is going on,” offered Giles.

Mary Sue smiled brilliantly at him, which cause Giles to clean his glasses.  This caused her to smile even more, until Buffy took a threatening step in her direction.

“I developed this,” said Mary Sue, hastily holding up a small black box with some knobs and a dial on it.  “I call it a Polymorphous Lineator Of Time, or a P. L. O. T. device.  It allows me to travel back in time to try and help you change some of the paths you have started down.  I can’t tell you exactly what you will do in the future, but I can offer suggestions as to how to avoid it.”

“Time travel,” snorted Buffy.  “What will the Hellmouth come up with next?  Can you prove it?”

Mary Sue thought carefully for a second.  “I guess it’s not too much information if I tell you that Spike will come running through the front door in about ten minutes, wearing a really ugly brown tweed suit and a hat with earflaps.”

The stunned looks were back on their faces.

“It’s daytime,” said Buffy thoughtfully, “and I can’t imagine Spike in a hat with earflaps, …so if that*does* happen, I guess we’ll have to believe you.  Unless you’re in cahoots with Spike and this is some sort of scheme of his.”

“No cahoots,” assured Mary Sue.  “Willow has a crystal in a her pocket.  The spell will go wrong.  That’s all I can say.  Except that Spike seems to wander around in the sun an awful lot for a vampire.”

Buffy still looked suspicious, but Giles just nodded his head.

“Fine, let’s go out and see the others then, shall we?”

“Ooh, let’s shall,” enthused Mary Sue, taking a step towards Giles.  He quickly took a much longer step in the direction of the door.

“Giles,” Buffy began to protest, but was cut off when he raised his hand to stop her.

“Buffy, we are never going to find out what this is about unless we go out and check.  We don’t have time to stand around here arguing about this.”

“That’s right,” she replied in an irritated tone.  “I forgot you have a plane to catch.”

He sighed.  “That is not what I meant.  I wish to inspect Willow’s crystal, since one of her spells is apparently about to go awry.  Now is not the time to discuss my travel arrangements.”

“Actually,” interjected their very helpful visitor, “that’s partly why I’m here.  Discussion would be very good.”

“Hah!” exclaimed Buffy jubilantly.  “Mister Right-Thing-To-Do is obviously not so right after all.”

“I can’t stay here and let you be a shell of the woman you were,” Giles defended himself.  “I’m holding you back…”

“Oh, please,” exclaimed Mary Sue.  “You two are killing me!  Try and talk things through before you put an ocean between you.  Do you know what you nearly drove me to?”  When no one answered her, she continued on.  “Songfic, that’s what!”

With that, the angry woman stalked through the door to the Magic Box, leaving a nonplussed Buffy and Giles to follow her.

***

Giles quickly rallied and hurried through to introduce Mary Sue to the others in the shop.  Buffy sulkily followed them and was now watching as Giles held out his hand for Willow to hand over the crystal.  She did so, grudgingly.  The young witch opened her mouth to explain, but closed it again at the look on Giles’ face.  He crushed the crystal on the counter and Willow turned away, only to be meet by Tara’s disappointed stare.  Her face flushed and she glared angrily at the newcomer who had given her plan away.  Mary Sue tried to look elsewhere, an innocent expression on her face.

“So,” Xander said, rubbing his hands together, “the future, huh?  Do you guys have flying cars and fetching all-in-one leather uniforms?”

“Sadly, not yet,” Mary Sue replied.  “No holograms, robots, cat creatures or lost space ships.  Just a couple of years ahead.”

“Mary Sue,” mused Anya.  “I’ve heard of beings like you.  Aren’t you supposed to insert yourself in people’s lives?”  When the visitor nodded in confirmation, Anya went on.  “Don’t you usually have amazing abilities, answers to mysterious things and isn’t everyone supposed to like you?”  This got another nod.

“Well, you’ve failed on the last bit,” the ex-demon offered. “Willow looks like she wants to set you on fire, and Buffy looks like she wants to supply the gasoline.  And Giles seems to inch away every time you look at him.  In fact, you haven’t done anything to endear yourself to me, either.”

At that moment, Spike burst through the front door, smoke wafting off his body.  He came further into the shop before demanding asylum.  Buffy and Giles both turned to stare at Mary Sue.  She gave them a little wave of triumph, which turned into a little wave of something else to Giles.  He pretended not to notice.

“A hat with earflaps,” murmured Buffy.  “If I die another dozen times, I don’t think I’ll see that again.  And brown is definitely not his colour.”

“Oi,” called Spike, offended, “a little bit of concern, please people.  I’m in mortal danger here.”

“What’s the opposite of mortal?” asked Xander.  “Because that would be the kind of danger you’re in.  And what’s the opposite of concern, because that’s what I’m feeling for you right now.”

“I’m hurt, Bob the Builder,” sneered Spike as he clutched his chest in mock pain.  “Are you pathetic?  Yes you are!”

“*I’m* pathetic?” asked Xander hotly.  “The only way you could be more pathetic would be if we slapped an H on your forehead and started calling you Rimmer.  Tool.”

Spike opened his mouth to retort, but was stopped by Buffy’s angry outburst.

“Would you two just shut up?  We have other things to worry about apart from your little mutual hate club.”

“I’ve always thought it was more of a mutual denial of burning sexual attraction club,” offered Mary Sue, thoughtfully.

Every person in the shop turned to regard her, expressions ranging from incredulity to guilt on their faces.  Xander had started to turn an interesting shade of purple.

“I don’t think so,” denied Spike, a little too quickly.  “The Village People reject here may swing that way, but I’m all man, thank you.  And who are you?”

“Only here to help,” she replied, eyeing him carefully.  “Just because you’re all man doesn’t mean I’m wrong about this, though.”

“So I’m the bitch here?” queried Xander in annoyance.  “No way does he get to…” He trailed off as he realized what he was about to say and instead abruptly changed the subject.  “I just worked out I don’t like you either.  If Buffy wants to bring the gasoline, then I’m offering the match.”

Mary Sue shrugged and ignored the glares coming her way from Anya and her fiancé.

“What’re you here to help with?” asked Spike as he hopped up on to the counter. “My little problem?  Not that I can’t handle the buggers myself, but it’d be nice if anyone wanted to lend a hand.  Someone who’d want to slay some demons, that is.”  He looked hopefully in the direction of Buffy.

“Not now, Spike,” said Giles in annoyance.  “Why don’t you come back when someone actually cares about your quandary?”

“Yeah, like around the same time as the first snowflakes start to fall in Hell,” crowed Xander gleefully.  He would have continued on, but he suddenly wondered whether he’d said something that could be interpreted as an invitation to some homoerotic goodness.  How did anyone get that kind of vibe off him?  He wanted *Anya*, for Chrissakes, not *Spike*.  And certainly not in that icky brown suit.  That leather coat, on the other hand… He shook his head quickly to clear it.

“Won’t take you long,” Spike went on, ignoring the disinterest in his predicament.  “Just a few nasty threats, a random staking or two and you’re done.  Get them off my back.  I’ll pay him, I just need a couple of days.”

Giles regarded Mary Sue questioningly.  She shrugged.

“Sure, go ahead.  I’m not leaving until I’ve done what I came for, so if you want to get rid of any potential interruptions, knock yourself out.”  She giggled at her own joke.  “But beware of waking up in a coma.”

The expression on the ex-librarian’s face was thoughtful as he recognized the words spoken to him a long time ago.  This was obviously someone to take seriously, no matter how deranged she actually seemed.  If only she would stop looking at him like she was mentally undressing him, it would make this whole situation easier to deal with.  He crossed his arms over his chest to try and force her eyes back to his face. 

It didn’t dissuade her from her obvious ogling.  Only when Buffy stepped directly in front of Giles did Mary Sue snap out of her happy little daydream.  Buffy shot her yet another angry look before facing her watcher.

“C’mon, Giles.  I feel the need to hurt *something*, so I might as well do this.  Otherwise I may have to find someone closer to home.’  This last bit was said with a pointed glare at Mary Sue, who tried to busy herself by studying the titles of the books on the shelves.  Buffy’s gaze shifted to Spike.

“They’re in that pyramid thing in Shady Pines cemetery,” he offered.  “That’s where they usually do business during the day.  They lease a room off some old ladies.  I can’t help save kiddies and their puppies and all that if these blokes are going to be making trouble for me now, can I?”

“Sure,” Buffy responded sourly, “the puppies need you.  But not the cute little kitties, right?”

“I don’t make the rules,” Spike began to protest, but she cut him off.

“And what pyramid thing are you talking about?”

Spike looked at her for a beat before replying slowly.  “You know, the one in the cemetery.  With the spacious interior.”

Buffy stared back at him, her brow furrowed.  “I’ve patrolled the graveyards of Sunnydale nearly every night for the past six years, and I’ve never seen a big honking pyramid.”

“I’m telling you,” Spike insisted, “it’s there and that’s where they are.”

“Watch out for the plot holes that are all around it,” offered Mary Sue.

“Thanks for the concern,” Buffy threw at her.  “I’m touched.  Whatever.  Giles, let’s go.”

Giles looked slightly surprised.  “Go?  Why do you…”

“Do you want to stay here with her?” Buffy asked impatiently.  Giles looked over to Mary Sue, who once again had a faraway look in her eyes, although her attentions seemed to be directed a bit further south this time.  He gulped and buttoned his suit jacket before standing up to join his slayer.

“I’m coming too,” announced Xander.  He wasn’t going to stay the same room as Spike if he could help it, not if this crazy lady was going to be looking for signs of lusty gay thoughts.  He didn’t ever have those, not even when the blond vampire would bend over looking for packets of blood in the refrigerator…Ye gods, this had to stop!

Willow sent a pleading look towards Tara, who resolutely turned the other way.  This was not something that could be forgiven with some sad eyes and words of contrition.  The best thing the redhead could do at the moment was distance herself from the scene of the crime and let Tara calm down.  She wordlessly followed Buffy, Giles and Xander out of the Magic Box, the jingling bell overhead signaling their departure.

Mary Sue tentatively poked her nose out from behind the book she was pretending to be engrossed in.  None of the people left in the shop had shown any open animosity towards her, except for Anya, but she lacked the intimidation factor possessed by Buffy and Willow.  Dawn was now examining her critically.  Mary Sue patted her pockets to check everything was still there.  She didn’t think she had been standing close enough to Dawn at any time, but she couldn’t be sure.

“So,” Dawn began hopefully, “any chance I’m rich and famous in the future?  Does Josh Hartnett finally realize I’m the woman for him?”

Mary Sue just stared, unwilling to say anything without the presence of the others.  She didn’t care what happened to Dawn anyway.  Her primary mission directive was to repair the Watcher/Slayer relationship.  Anything else that happened while she was here was just a bonus.  Her eyes narrowed as she took in the figure of Spike, still sitting nonchalantly on the counter.  He’d fit neatly in a Dustbuster.

Dawn rolled her eyes in an attempt at casual teenaged disinterest.  “Fine.  Like I care anyway.  You’re probably just here for Buffy.  Everyone always is.  Just because she’s the Slayer, everything is always about her.”

“When it should be about you?” asked Mary Sue in disbelief.  “Listen girly, I did not invest four years to have you show up and take over.  I’d have tossed you off the tower pretty damn quickly if it had been my decision.  You need to show some gratitude to the person who sacrificed her life for you.  I know teenagers are whiny, but try and lay off the temper tantrums a bit, okay?  And be nicer to Xander; he sees more potential in you than most people.”

Dawn’s face crumpled momentarily, then hardened.  “Who cares what you think?  I know I don’t.  And Buffy won’t either.”

Mary Sue shrugged apologetically.  “Maybe not, we’ll see.”  She turned unexpectedly to Anya.  “Say Anya, have you noticed anything missing from the shop lately?”

Dawn gasped in shock.  She stared at Mary Sue, who smiled evilly back at her, before she wheeled and abruptly left the store.  Mary Sue nodded in satisfaction.  It was always fun to make teenagers cry.  And even better when they decided to get out, get out, get out.  This way she could focus her attention on the people she really cared about.  There was still one thing standing in her way and his voice floated across the floor to her.

***

Buffy, Giles, Willow and Xander stood in the middle of Shady Pines cemetery, staring at a pyramid.

“Huh,” commented Buffy.

***

“Who knew the ghost of Christmas future would be such a cow?  What’d you do that to the niblet for?”  Spike hopped of the counter and swaggered over to confront her.

“Do you know where my stock is?” asked Anya curiously.  “I’d been blaming the missing inventory on those pesky little rogue inter-dimensional portals that pop up sometimes.  At least, that’s where I assume my socks go to when I do my washing.”

Mary Sue ignored her and instead concentrated on the approaching figure of Spike.

“Don’t get me started on you, you nimrod,” she warned.  “And nice to see you actually remember Dawn is alive.  *That* little friendship fell by the wayside pretty damn quickly once you stared getting some, didn’t it?”

The vampire snorted.  “Nimrod?  That’s all you’ve got?  You gotta do better than that if you want to mess with the Big Bad, honey.  And what are you talking about with Dawn?”

She ignored his question about the non-existent relationship with Dawn and began to let loose some of her pent up anger.  “That’s not all I got, mama’s boy.  And you’re not the Big Bad.  Not anymore.  I liked you as the Big Bad.  It’s hard to be as scared of a forty year old virgin who still lived at home with Mummy.”

“What are you blathering about?” Spike demanded.  “If this chip wasn’t…”

“But it is, isn’t it?” Mary Sue insisted.  “It’s getting harder and harder to come up with reasons why you shouldn’t be dust.  Next thing we know, you’ll probably be off to get a soul.” 

“Now I know you’re daft,” the blond vampire exclaimed.  “Another vampire with a soul?  No, thank you.  I’m an original, not some sloppy seconds.  I’d go crazy.  And somehow I don’t think brooding is my thing.”

“It’s really not,” she replied, “but *some* remorse might have been nice.”

Mary Sue darted behind the counter and returned with a stake clutched tightly in her hand.  “You know,” she began contemplatively, “things would be veeeery different if you weren’t around…”

Tara stepped up as Spike moved forward to taunt Mary Sue.  She held out her right hand to the irate woman while holding her left hand up to stop Spike’s progress.

“How about you put the stake down and wait for Buffy to come back?” Tara asked softly.  “Spike isn’t really bad any more, he just wants people to think he is.”

Mary Sue thought for a moment before placing the stake in Tara’s outstretched hand.  This really wasn’t what she came for.  Spike looked wounded for a second before deciding to protest his relegation down to teddy bear status.  He stepped forward but managed to somehow trip over the legs of his tweed pants, unused to such baggy clothing.  In a blur of bodies he collided with Tara and suddenly exploded into dust.  Tara stood there, a shocked expression on her face as she stared at the stake in her hand.

“Well, that was unfortunate,” observed Anya dryly.

“I--I…” Tara stuttered.

“No worries, mate,” enthused Mary Sue.  “A tragic accident that comes from not heeding your mum’s warnings about playing with sharp things.  And you’ve at least saved us all from the sight of Spike doing naked push ups.”  Mary Sue shuddered at the memory.  Tara mirrored her actions, while Anya looked strangely contemplative.

“He…I…we…” Tara was having trouble forming a sentence and wasn’t helped by Dawn’s sudden reappearance.  Mary Sue stood casually in front of the pile of dust while Dawn pointedly ignored her.

“Is Buffy back?” she asked Tara, looking around.  “And where did Spike go?”

“Spike went to change clothes,” spoke up Mary Sue, forestalling Anya’s efforts to answer the question.

Dawn shot the evil eye in the visitor’s direction and focused back on Tara.

“Where’s Buffy?” she tried again.

“She--she’ll be back soon,” Tara stammered out, moving round to hide the remains of Spike.

At that moment, the bell above the shop door announced the return of the rest of the group.  They looked a little flushed, but pleased.

“The triumphant warriors return,” Xander proclaimed, going straight to Anya for a kiss before continuing on with his recount.  “They were many, we were few, we hid away and Buffy slew.  On second thought, maybe it should be one triumphant warrior and three impressed onlookers.  Because she was impressive, let me tell you.”

Buffy’s mask of studied indifference slipped for a second at Xander’s praise and then moved firmly back in place.

“Where’s Spike?” she asked coolly.  “You can tell him he can come out of whatever hole he’s crawled in to hide.”

“Uh, he had a kitten emergency,” came the answer from Mary Sue.  Tara and Anya both looked at her questioningly until she shrugged as if to say it was the best she could think of.  Dawn raised an eyebrow before deciding it didn’t concern her directly and she had better save her good whinging for something else.

Buffy looked disgusted and walked over to where Tara stood.  Tara’s eyes widened as the slayer got closer.  They both jumped as a loud bang rang out through the shop.

“Sorry,” said Mary Sue sheepishly as she bent to retrieve the large book she had dropped.  Buffy coughed as a cloud of dust swirled and then settled.

“God, Giles, you need to get a better cleaner or something,” she sneezed.

“I’ll do it,” volunteered Tara as she ran off to get a dustpan and broom.  Moments later, Spike’s remained were emptied into the trash.  Thus Angel’s Shanshu prophecy remained safe, Buffy was spared another venture into the world of necrophilia and the rest of us were never forced to wonder again why the hell Spike didn’t just put on a damn shirt.  But from somewhere in a galaxy far, far away, Marti Noxon let out an anguished howl.

“Can we get on with this?” demanded Buffy.  “Or does Spike need to be here too?”

“Spike does not need to be here,” came the firm reply from the visitor.  “Contrary to popular belief, everything is not all about Spike.  The four of you did fine without him for five years, then all of a sudden he’s the hero?  An abusive, manipulating stalker?  I don’t think so, sunshine.  Strongest warrior, my arse.  I don’t care how strong he is if the enemy is incorporeal.  Not everyone is swayed by a pair of cheekbones and tight black jeans.”

Mary Sue noticed that everyone else was looking vaguely worried and had backed slightly away from her.  She cursed inwardly.  She must remember to not just let forth with these rants.  People in her world backed away too.  Quickly composing herself, she offered a placating smile to the group.

“Sorry, but none of this is about Spike.  It never should have been.  This is about heroes, and Spike doesn’t fit there for me.  And since this is my mission, I get to make all the important decisions.  So, to start off with, Buffy, sit in Giles’ lap.”

“What?  You want me to sit where on who?”  The stunned expressions on everyone’s faces made Mary Sue giggle.  She was sure someone like Gail Sue could come up with a more romantic way to get them together, but Mary Sue had very little in the way of maturity or imagination so she did the best she could.

“Fine, I’ll sit there then,” she offered and moved closer to the tall Englishman.  He shot a startled look at his slayer, panic in his eyes.

Buffy shook her head angrily.  “I don’t think so.  I’ll do it, when you explain why.”  Giles exhaled in relief.

“Because you need to be closer,” the visitor explained.  “This man has supported and loved you unconditionally for six years and you keep pushing him away.  You’re looking for everything he can give you, but in the wrong places.  You need to talk and let him help you.  He will.  He’ll give up everything for you.  And a bit of physical proximity wouldn’t hurt.  Besides, he’s hot!”

Buffy looked at her watcher with a critical eye.  “If we need to be so close, why is he leaving?” she asked.

“Good point,” Mary Sue acknowledged.  “Let’s rip up that ticket, shall we?”  She held her hand out to Giles.

He looked at Buffy and then back to Mary Sue.  “I’d do it in a second if I thought she’d even meet me halfway,” he confessed.

Buffy took a deep breath, made a decision and went and sat on his lap.  She settled herself comfortably and looked into his eyes.  “I’d say this is a bit closer than halfway,” she said softly.

Giles smiled and without taking his eyes from hers, reached into his jacket pocket and withdrew his ticket.  He held it out to Mary Sue, who promptly ripped it up.  A faint ‘woo-hoo’ could be heard from yet another galaxy far, far away as BeeGees from all over rejoiced.  But obviously it was nowhere near Marti Noxon’s galaxy.

Mary Sue reached over and began tugging at the knot in Giles’ tie.  He nervously batted her hands away.  She rolled her eyes.

“The tie is sexy, but let’s try without it, eh?  And undo the top few buttons while you’re there.”

Giles looked questioningly at Buffy for a moment, then undid his tie and the top two buttons of his shirt.  Mary Sue beamed in appreciation.

“We’re on the way.  You two stay there and let me see what I can do about the rest of them.  And Buffy, feel free to touch the chest hair.  Try something a little different for a change.”  The slayer’s eyes dropped to her watcher’s chest and she arched an eyebrow contemplatively. 

“Okay, let’s bring it on,” grinned Mary Sue.  “Thanks to the very helpful Tara, a large part of my work has been done for me.  The rest shouldn’t take too long.”  She turned to Tara, who was trying hard not to meet anyone’s questioning gaze.

“You’ve really grown on me, especially since you grew a personality and started to stand up for yourself.  Don’t let anyone ride roughshod over you.  But a little tip; learn to co-ordinate your outfits.  There are some scary combinations in your wardrobe.  You’re getting better, but no one needs to shop for clothes at a Renaissance fair if they aren’t actively participating.  And here’s the most important advice I can give you: stay away from windows. ‘Line of fire’ needs to become your new motto.  That’s all I can give you.”

Tara looked around nervously and nodded.  She inched her way over to the bookcase in the most secluded corner and Mary Sue smiled in approval.  Then she moved on.

“Anya.  You’ve grown on me too and I am most unhappy with your fate.”

At this, Anya looked alarmed and began to panic.  “Oh no.  What happens to me?  Do I not have adequate insurance for natural disasters?  Does Xander’s syphilis come back?  Are there bunnies involved somehow?”

Mary Sue shook her head and tried to cut of the babbling questions.  “No, no, I can’t give you specifics.  But making sure you are fully covered for everything is a very good idea.  And don’t sell yourself short.  Try and diversify your talents.  There are many ways to make money, bank robbery notwithstanding.  You don’t want to be hanging around with nothing to do apart from contrived sex.  Finally, if you’re in a battle situation, always stay *behind* the comic relief.”

“Gotcha,” the ex demon replied.  “Don’t be redundant and bring up the rear.  Can I have sex if it’s not contrived?”

“Sure, why not,” Mary Sue answered.

Anya smiled happily.  “You know, I’m revising my opinion of you.  You’re not so bad, even if you are mistaken about Xander’s sexuality and have this strange fascination with Giles.”  With that, she walked over to the counter to check her insurance policies.

Mary Sue was now moving on to the people she really wanted to help.  The first two were nice but the core four held her heart.  When her gaze settled on Xander, he cringed and spoke before she could further cast doubts on his orientation.

“How many times do I need to tell you; I don’t want Spike.  I’m not into guys and even if I were, it wouldn’t be someone like him.  Yes, he’s got that swagger, the certain way he cocks his head, the whole ‘bad boy’ attitude, six pack abs…” At this point, Xander’s eyes glazed over for a second before he came back to the now and glared at Mary Sue.  “I.  don’t.  want.  Spike,” he enunciated, for everyone’s benefit.

“Whatever.”  Mary Sue was unimpressed.  “As long as you realize that you aren’t your father.”

This stunned Xander.  “That’s it?  That’s the big revelation?  I already knew that.”

Mary Sue continued on.  “You’re brave, loving and loyal.  Don’t ever forget that.  You’ll be fine if you just believe in yourself and be the good man we all know you are.  You are the heart, Xander, but you need to act like it.  That’s a hell of an important role because nothing functions without the heart.”

At her words, the carpenter had straightened up and a small smile now played on his face.  “I’m a vital organ, baby.  A very heterosexual, crucial part in the slaying machine.”

“Yes indeedy,” agreed Mary Sue.  “And just in case it never happens, your yellow crayon was sweet.  Oh, and one last piece of advice.  You know those big safety goggles you wear at work?”  Xander nodded, but looked puzzled, so she continued on.  “You might want to liberate a pair from the site and take to wearing them, say, all the time.”  With that, her attentions shifted to the very subdued Willow sitting at the table.

“Honestly, I don’t know what to say here,” she began and Willow eyed her suspiciously.  “You’re a very smart girl, but you need to be smart enough to realize you don’t know everything.  At least your clothes are getting better too.  Sometimes though, I think things are fine and then I see your lower half and go ‘gah’.  And please try and co-ordinate with Tara.  There’s nothing worse than the two of you standing next to each other.”

“That’s it?” the red head asked cautiously.  “That’s all you want to tell me?”

“Well, you could stand to limit your control freak tendencies.”  At this, Tara poked her head out from her hiding place and nodded her agreement.  “They started showing up in high school and have just got steadily worse.  It went from de-lusting spells to messing with your partner’s mind so you’d win an argument.  Trust me, you don’t want to keep skipping merrily down this path you’re on.  You don’t resemble the Willow I loved from so long ago.  That Willow would have been sorry she caused such pain to the person she professed to love.  You are just sorry you got caught.”  Mary Sue was on a roll now.  “A couple of other things.  You could crack a book every now and again.  Not everything can be found by Googling it.  And no one believes in the magic addiction crap.”

There was a gasp of surprise from Marti’s galaxy far, far away.

Giles spoke up at this.  He had been quietly sitting with Buffy in his lap as she played with his chest hair.  Mary Sue was please to note that two more buttons of his shirt were opened.  Things were progressing nicely.

“Magic is not an addiction.  Why would anyone believe it was?  Does no one ask me these things anymore?  I have considerably more knowledge and life experience on this subject than anyone else here.”

“Except for me,” piped up Anya, who had moved on from her insurance policies and was now busily going through her stock portfolio.

“Granted,” Giles said, “but I actually care about what happens to Willow.  I wouldn’t want her to get too involved with the dark magics.  It can consume a person.”  Willow’s face held a look of shame as she carefully studied the tabletop.

“Well,” said Mary Sue archly, “you can help her now you’re not leaving.  Works out much better for everyone.  Hopefully no more veiny blackness and world destruction.  Although, if you could take off your glasses and say ‘I’d like to test that theory’, I’d really appreciate it.”

Unfortunately for Mary Sue and all the other Sues out there, Giles was distracted by Buffy’s hand moving to follow the line of hair down his stomach and didn’t take any notice of her request.  Mary Sue was pleased to see Buffy lean in to whisper something in Giles’ ear. 

“Right then,” she announced.  “Everyone seems well on the way to a much better life.  I think we’re nearly done here.”

“What about me?” asked Dawn timidly.

“Huh?”  Mary Sue had tried to forget Dawn was there.  She waved her hand dismissively.  “Oh, whatever, stop stealing stuff and don’t be such a brat.  Try and be really quiet and don’t annoy me.  That okay for you?”

Dawn narrowed her eyes and prepared to come back with a suitably snotty reply.  Something really selfish and aggravating.  But she stopped for a second and thought.  The intruder might be irritating and have this strange fixation on Giles’ chest hair, but she genuinely seemed to want things to be good.  And Buffy was happier sitting on Giles’ lap than she had been since she returned from the grave.  That was weird and gross and any number of other adjectives, but still way better than what had been happening.  So all she did was shrug and keep her mouth shut, just the way Mary Sue wanted her to.

“Dawn steals things?” came Anya’s voice from across the room.  “Was that what you meant by asking where my stock was?  Do I get to extract a punishment?  The Arabs have a very effective deterrent for thieves.”

“No, no,” Dawn cut in quickly.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to.  It was all a desperate cry for attention that went nowhere.  It was pointless and stupid.  I’ll never do it again.”

“Fine,” answered Anya.  “You can help in the shop as punishment.  You will take over the jobs I dislike.  Tomorrow morning you can begin by checking in between the toes of the rabbit’s feet for fungi.  People won’t buy them if they’re not clean.”

Dawn swallowed but nodded in resignation.  Mary Sue decided she could begin to tolerate the girl if she said nothing and did as she was told.  She cast a look in the direction of Buffy and Giles.  She thought she’d have more work to do there, but they seemed to be taking care of themselves.  All they needed was a push to get over their barriers and destiny would take care of the rest.  Plus, Mary Sue could not believe there was a woman alive who could resist sitting in Giles’ lap.  She knew all those ‘eiww’s’ had been protesting too much.

Spike was gone and with him went most of the crap that had been bugging Mary Sue.  Xander and Anya may or may not get married, but Mary Sue had done all she could without giving away the future.  The same went for Willow and Tara.  As long as Giles was around and aware of Willow’s actions, things wouldn’t go that far again.  There was just one more piece of advice to give.

Mary Sue headed over to where Buffy sat on Giles’ lap, his arms around her back and hers around her neck.  She’d changed position so that she now straddled him and was looking deep into his eyes as they talked softly.  The seemingly permanent expression of anger had completely disappeared from Buffy’s face and Giles appeared much more relaxed.  Mary Sue decided it wouldn’t be much longer before the two of them ended up in bed for some happysmut, but resolved she would leave that chapter to someone who was much better in that area than she; Liz Sue, Chris Sue or pretty much any other Sue.  Maybe Wenchie Sue could work on them because she was the one who sent Mary Sue back in the first place.

Mary Sue’s mind was firmly fixed in the gutter now, but she dragged herself out to deliver a final warning to Buffy.  Shelley Sue had been very insistent that the message be delivered to the slayer so that she’d have every chance at future happiness with Giles.  It didn’t look like Buffy was going to be moving from her position anytime soon, so Mary Sue stood in front of the couple and cleared her throat.  They both turned to look at her.

“Sorry to interrupt,” she began, “but I’ve got to warn you against the dangers of honeymooning in Antarctica, Guam or really any place that has a decent zoo.”

“What?” asked Buffy, not quite understanding why this strange little woman would want to warn her against such a thing.  “And who’s honeymooning?”

“For future reference,” Mary Sue sighed, knowing she looked like an idiot, but this was important stuff.  “Just in case.  Don’t go there.”

“Fine, I’ll bite.  Why not?”  Buffy waited expectantly for an answer.

“There are penguins,” Mary Sue informed her solemnly.  “You’ll want to stay away from penguins.”

With that, she turned her back on the bemused couple and surveyed the room.

“Well, it’s been a hard day’s night and I’ve been working like a dog, so you’ll excuse me if I leave you now,” she announced to everyone.  “Just remember the good people you are and most importantly, the strength of the group.  *No one* in here is alone and no one needs to be.”  She narrowed her eyes and put on her best teacher’s stare.  “And don’t make me come back here.”

As she made to leave, Mary Sue wondered if she could find The First somewhere and give it a good kick up the arse as well, because she was really starting to enjoy the power.  What an ineffectual Big Bad that turned out to be.  Very disappointing; all it did was talk.  And what sort of a moronic thing of evil sends its minions out to find the one weapon that could harm it, has them spend days digging the thing out of solid rock, and then lets the minions bugger off so the shiny, shiny weapon can be picked up by the person it was meant for?  If only it wasn’t so incorporeal, a big boot might make Mary Sue feel better.  As it was, our poor intrepid time traveler was slightly mollified to realize that there was no way in hell Buffy’s last words would now ever be “I love you Spike.”  The trip was at least worth it to avoid *that* shite.

These things could take care of themselves, she decided.  The big ones were done and she had much work to do back in her world.  So Mary Sue picked up her P. L. O. T. device, twiddled a few knobs and disappeared in a blazing display of pyrotechnics, just because she’d always wanted to do that.

And slowly, the Buffyverse began to right itself.  Some B/G lovin’ was setting it straight.

END