Series: The Hellmouth Chronicles
Title: Winter of Discontent 17
Author: Gileswench
Contact: gileswench@yahoo.com
Date: 6/19/02
Spoilers: AU from early S5/S2. After that, everything is different, but concepts from both shows will occasionally be referenced
Summary: Willow has another magical oops. Confusion and crankiness ensue.
Rating: PG-13 for unwellness, twisted food combinations, mention of Alien.
Pairing: Buffy/Giles, C/Wes, W/T, X/Anya, Joyce/Crystal
Distribution: If you've had my permission in the past, you have it now. All others, ask and ye shall receive.
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome. Praise abjectly sought.
Disclaimer: It all belongs to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc., etc., etc. I just let them have all the fun Joss won't. I own nothing except my twisted mind which you really don't want. Please don't sue.
Notes: Okay, it's been three months since the last installment. Sorry. I'll try to be better from now on. My apologies to all who have waited so patiently, and my thanks to all who have requested more.

"Are you quite sure you don't need anything?"

"Just some alone time, Rupert. Go on. Go to work. I was thinking I might take a nap."

"You wouldn't be trying to get rid of me, would you?"

"Only a little bit. Can you deal?"

"That depends. Will I be allowed in here at bedtime?"

"Well...I might have to toss a dozen or so men out of here, but yeah, you can come back then."

Giles leaned over and kissed Buffy.

"Very funny. Don't overdo things today. Get plenty of rest and ask Wesley if you need anything. I asked him to check on you from time to time today."

"You guys are bonding. What's up with that?"

"I've discovered that when he's not taking you away from me, he's not at all a bad person. What's more, he speaks proper English. I can understand him."

"I speak English."

"You, my love, speak a bizarre dialect I've never entirely understood. But you do speak it charmingly, so I forgive you."

Buffy frowned.

"I'm not sure, but I think you just insulted me."

"I'll make it up to you later, I assure you. I'd best be off now."

"Not quite yet, Rupert. There's something you need to do first."

"What's that?"

"Give me a few kisses to last me until you get home."

"Ah, that. Let me know when you've had enough."

He leaned over and kissed her thoroughly.

*****

Wesley settled himself comfortably on Cordelia's bed. He wasn't quite sure why she'd told him to wait for her there and wear something loose, but he followed her instructions to the letter. Perhaps it was part of his test. Perhaps, and he hoped this was the case, she just wanted him there with certain interested body parts easily available.

Very interested body parts.

He did his best to calm himself. After all, this might have nothing to do with sex.

Still, a man can dream.

Wesley did just that.

*****

Willow and Cordelia held hands across the candle flame as they chanted. Majicks coursed through Willow's body and soul. Cordelia felt the tingle that accompanied the power. Two voices rose in unison. Two young girls began to glow.

Suddenly, the light ricocheted around the room and shot into the hall. The candle guttered out. Willow and Cordelia's eyes met.

"Did it work?" Cordelia asked.

"I-I think so."

*****

Xander followed the women into Joyce's bedroom, carrying the suitcase.

"Here we are," he said cheerfully, "Casa de Joyce."

"It's not a whole house, Xander," Crystal reminded him. "It's one room. Casa's house."

Xander shrugged

"So I never took Spanish. Sue me."

"I don't think there would be much point," Joyce teased him. "It's always best to sue people who have money."

"Mock me now, Joyce. One day, I'll own my own construction company and then I'll be so rich you'll have to stand in line to sue me."

Crystal and Joyce shared an amused look and a small giggle. When they turned back to Xander, he was pale and weaving on his feet.

"Woah," he exclaimed shakily. "Not feeling so good."

He sat on Joyce's bed with a thump.

*****

Buffy gave a small, startled 'eep' when Giles slumped against her suddenly.

"Rupert? Are you okay? Rupert?"

Giles sat up rather shakily and pressed a hand to his forehead.

"I'm fine, Buffy. Just...I got a bit dizzy for a moment. I'm alright now."

"Alright nothing, Mister," Buffy fussed. "Lie down next to me, because you are going nowhere today."

"I'm perfectly well," he told her in a peevish tone that sounded quite unwell.

"No, you're not. You've been stressed out for weeks and not sleeping all that well, and sort of lurching from crisis to crisis. Sweetie, you're burning out. Chill. Besides, you look like you're gonna hurl."

"I'll do my best not to," he muttered thickly, "but I can't promise anything."

*****

Sullivan chuckled as he blew out the final candle.

"What's so funny?" Travers demanded.

"I can't believe she's casting again so soon! Honestly, with the little witch in the house, they hardly need me to cause trouble."

"Do you know what spell she cast this time?"

"Yes, I just can't imagine why she would do it. Ah well, mine is not to reason why. Mine is to make sure everybody gets to play. I just wish I could see Rupert's face when it takes effect."

*****

A sudden wave of dizziness passed through Wesley. He clutched at the bedding, trying to get a solid purchase on it. The nausea rose until he had to lie back and screw his eyes shut. Deep breaths, he reminded himself. Deep breaths would help settle his stomach and make his head stop swimming so.

As the urge to be sick receded, an odd sensation in his belly grew.

So did his belly.

He untied the knot on his pajama pants and opened the shirt to make way for his rising abdomen. As he did so, he felt a tiny movement inside.

"Good heavens!" he exclaimed.

*****

Xander lay back on Joyce's bed and groaned. He clutched his swollen belly.

"Man, whatever was in the eggs this morning, it wants out now."

Crystal looked to Joyce for direction.

"I think you'd better see if you can find Rupert," she told her young friend. "This isn't something normal."

Crystal dashed out the door as Joyce sat and checked Xander's forehead for fever.

"Joyce?" he groaned as he grabbed her hand. "You can tell me. Am I gonna die?"

"W - I don't think so."

"Damn."

"Hang on, Xander. You're going to be fine."

"Oh God, something's moving in me! I saw Alien! Please don't let me be John Hurt!"

*****

Buffy tugged Giles' trousers down his legs, despite his protests that he could do it himself.

"You're not in any shape...well, it's a shape, but not one you ever had before. You didn't happen to swallow a basketball, did you?"

"Very funny," Giles moaned. "I'm sure I would have some witty response if I didn't feel like death."

"What do you think is happening?"

"I don't know," he replied as she pulled the blankets over him. "I need to con - "

" - sult your books, I know. Look, maybe this is a job for Wes right now. I'll get him and you just lie here and...be lumpy."

"Buffy, I'm perfectly capable of reading a book."

"And so is Wesley. Plus he's not all basketball-bellied. You're sick guy. Let the healthy people help you out for once."

"But Buffy...."

"But nothing, Rupert. God, are you always like this when you're sick?"

"Now you know what a time I have with you."

"I'm going to ignore you said that because you're being all cranky."

There came a rap on the door. Buffy glared at Giles when he tried to rise.

"Stay," she ordered. "I'll get it."

She opened the door.

"Crystal, what's up?"

"It's Xander. He's really sick."

*****

At long last, Xander, Wesley and Giles sat in the living room suffering from various levels of discomfort. Leo finished examining them and shook his head.

"I don't believe it," he said.

"Well?" Xander asked impatiently. "What is it? Are we all gonna die?"

"We're not going to die, Xander," Giles assured him wearily for the tenth time. "What do you think, Leo?"

Leo's mouth twitched suspiciously for a moment before he could speak again.

"Congratulations, men. You're all seven months pregnant."

"No," Xander protested. "Nu-uh. Not possible. There is no way in hell this is happening."

"You're right, of course," Leo agreed. "You're not really pregnant. Your bodies are merely mimicking the symptoms. My guess is someone did this magically."

"To what purpose?" Giles asked. "What on Earth does someone think they can accomplish by doing this? It's quite ridiculous."

"I think perhaps I can answer that," Wesley said quietly. "I rather think Cordelia is behind this."

"Cordy decided to knock us all up?" Xander asked. "I mean Wes, I know she's making you jump through some pretty intense hoops right now, but what does that have to do with Giles and me? And why the hell isn't Leo looking for manly maternity wear?"

"If I was a woman, I would be well past menopause," Leo theorized. "All of you would still be in the fertile years."

"Bit of an outside chance for me," Giles grumbled.

"But still possible."

"Lucky me."

"Look at it as a way to research what Buffy's going to go through in the next few months," Leo suggested.

"I'm sorry," Giles said. "I know I'm being quite unreasonable. I just don't seem to be able to control my temper the way I normally do."

"Right," Xander quipped. "Because usually you're such a ray of sunshine and warm fuzzy feelings."

Xander," Wesley admonished. "He's not feeling well."

"He's not feeling well? He's not? What about me? I'm fat, I'm nauseous, my ankles are swollen, my back is killing me, I have mega-indigestion, my man-boobs are saggy and in a world of hurt, and I just know I'll never fit into my old clothes again. And you know what the worst thing about this is?"

"What, Xander?" Giles asked.

"Deadboy probably still has his six-pack abs, and I'm sitting here craving string cheese covered in maple syrup."

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