Series: The Hellmouth Chronicles
Title: Winter Of Discontent 19/?
Author: Gileswench
Contact: gileswench@yahoo.com
Date: 10/3/02
Spoilers: AU from beginning of S5 and end of S1
Summary: The woes of faux gestation and vampiric exes.
Rating: PG-13 for ghostly misbehavior of a gauzy nature, alternate forms of vampire repellent, Gilesean stoicism
Pairing: Buffy/Giles, C/Wes, W/T, X/Anya, Joyce/Crystal
Distribution: If you've had my permission in the past, you have it now. All others, ask and ye shall receive.
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome. Praise abjectly sought.
Disclaimer: It all belongs to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc., etc., etc. I just let them have all the fun Joss won't. I own nothing except my twisted mind which you really don't want. Please don't sue.
Notes: Finally back. Hopefully I'll get the next one out a bit faster.

"Gunn?"

"Cordelia? Is that you, girl? How's everything? (Stop it, Dennis. I'm on the phone, man!)"

"That's what I was calling to ask you. So...is everything okay?"

She could almost hear Gunn shrugging.

"Any reason it shouldn't? You have some kind of vision?"

"Not exactly. So...nothing unusual happening there?"

"It's cool. Me and Dennis are fine. (Dennis! Dennis, do *not* do that, man!) All's quiet on the LA front."

"Then...that's great!"

"Cordelia, what's going on?"

"Nothing," she lied quickly and unconvincingly. "We're all peachy. I just thought I'd check in; make sure everything's fine with you."

"How's everybody there? English and His Broodiness doing okay?"

"No problems. We're fine."

In the background, Gunn could hear Buffy calling a bit hysterically for Leo.

"You sure about that?" Gunn drawled. "Want me to come up?"

"No. Of course not. We're fine. Tell Dennis hi for me. Bye."

The line went dead. Gunn shook his head as he hung up.

"I do not get those people sometimes," he muttered. A moment later, a beer floated to his side. He took it gratefully. "Thanks, Dennis. I needed that, man."

*****

"Leo!" Buffy cried. "Leo, come quick!"

"Calm down, Buffy," he said soothingly. "What's the problem?"

"It's Rupert," she sniffled. "We were just sitting there talking and all of a sudden he completely doubled over - which is some feat about now - and started moaning. Not in a good way. I think he's in a lot of pain."

Cordelia joined them.

"I have news. Not sure whether it's good or not, but Gunn isn't deciding whether to paint the nursery pink or blue."

"That's very interesting," Leo said with a frown, "But right now, let's see what the problem is with Rupert."

None of them had noticed Tara slipping quietly away. Buffy and Leo hurried up the stairs as quickly as they could - or as quickly as Leo could. Finally, the pair made it to Buffy and Giles' room. Giles leaned heavily on Tara as she helped him walk the room. His face was pale and drawn. Tara looked to her friends in confusion.

"I - I think he's in labor."

*****

"I don't know how this happened," Willow shook her head for the fiftieth time as she shifted the shopping bag in her arms.

"Maybe you should read these rituals through a little more carefully before you do them," Crystal suggested.

"I did. I read. I re-read. The only thing we did different was there were too many people in that picture. It shouldn't have done this. I only used Wesley's name in the incantation. I was sure it wouldn't affect anyone else. Pretty sure."

"And I knew unprotected sex with a complete stranger wasn't a good idea. Look at me now."

Willow stopped in her tracks.

"You didn't even know Mr. Summers when you...y'know...?"

"It was a dumb mistake."

"I'll say it was," came a new voice.

"Hank...?"

Crystal went pale. Hank took a drag on his cigarette. Willow rummaged in her pocket for a cross. Before she could get to it, Hank backhanded her across the face.

"This is between me and the little woman. Get out."

Crystal had managed to get to her own cross by this time and shoved it in the face of the demon who wore her husband's face. He slid into game face and hissed. Willow managed to get her cross and added its power to Crystal's.

"I'm not your little woman," Crystal gritted out. "Now get out."

Hank tried to take a step forward, but was repulsed by the holy symbols.

"Take a message to the Slayer," he growled. "Ten each night until she comes."

"Ten what? Comes where?" Crystal demanded. "She can't -"

"Ten people," Willow clarified. "You're going to kill ten people every night until she finds you? Is that it?"

"Just give her the message. Think you can handle it, Crystal?" he leered.

The girl stood petrified. Her hand dropped to her belly. The cross fell from her nerveless fingers. Hank advanced.

Suddenly a car screeched to a halt beside them. Anya jumped out and raced up behind Hank. She touched him with a small disc in her hand.

The vampire howled as his coat began to sizzle. He turned on Anya and gave a fierce growl, then ran into the night.

"Are you guys okay?" Anya asked.

Willow nodded numbly.

"I think so. Was there a cross on that thing?"

"Oh, no," Anya answered cheerfully. "It's a Star of David."

"Stars of David work?" Willow sputtered. "Why the hell didn't I know that before?"

"Because nobody tried it before? I don't know. Come on, let's get Crystal into the car. And what were you guys doing out at this hour anyway? You both know better."

Willow and Crystal looked sheepishly at one another.

"Maybe we better explain that in the car," Willow said.

*****

"In labor?" Buffy sputtered. "He can't be in labor. He's not really pregnant. And anyway, Leo said seven months. It takes nine months to get to labor. Rupert, you cannot be in labor."

"Are you sure, Tara?" Leo asked far less hysterically.

"Well, he doesn't have a cervix, so I can't exactly check if he's dilated, but he's got all the other signs as far as I can tell."

"She's right," Giles managed. "And it's rather painful, I must say."

"Rupert, you cannot be in labor," Buffy insisted. "Stop it!"

"I know he can't be, Buffy," Tara told her gently, "but he is."

"And how exactly do you know?"

"My mother was a midwife, back home. When local women couldn't get to the doctor, or didn't have insurance, she delivered their babies. When I was old enough to help, she started bringing me along. I've helped deliver several babies."

"How often are the pains coming?" Leo asked Tara.

"I'm right here," Giles reminded them, "and they're coming about every five minutes."

Buffy took his hand and smoothed back his hair gently.

"We're going to figure this out," she told him, as much to calm herself as him. "It's gonna be okay."

She looked helplessly at Tara and Leo.

"Right, guys?" she asked. "It's gonna be okay, right?"

*****

Anya stomped furiously up the front steps of the house, Willow and Crystal hurrying behind her.

"I can't believe this!" she said for the umpteenth time. "How could you get my boyfriend pregnant? And my boss. And Wesley. No wonder nobody came to relieve me for my lunch break today. Now I'm tired and cranky and hungry and my boyfriend is pregnant and I don't know what I'm going to do and it's all your fault, Willow!"

"I know it is - except that it's Cordelia's fault, too - but we didn't mean it."

"Well you did it. I hope that's a lesson to you." Anya slammed the door shut as soon as Willow and Crystal were inside. "Now, where is Xander?"

"Kitchen, last I saw," Crystal replied sheepishly. "We brought soda crackers. And ginger ale."

Anya took the grocery bag from Crystal and stomped off to find her boyfriend.

"Guess I'd better warn Cordy," Willow said. "And from now on, I'm wearing a Star of David if it works as good as a cross."

*****

"Breathe, Giles," Tara ordered. "And if you feel like yelling, go ahead."

"No need," Giles gritted out. "I'm quite all right."

"Is that Gilespeak for 'this hurts like a bitch but I'm too macho to say'?" Buffy asked testily as she wiped his brow with a damp cloth. "Sweetie, I love you, but sometimes you take this stiff upper lip thing way too far."

A spasm of his features was the only sign that another wave of pain had hit. After another moment, even Giles couldn't quite keep silent. He made a small grunt of discomfort and shifted on the bed as his hand tightened convulsively around Buffy's.

"Go ahead," Buffy prompted him, "yell. Let it out. We won't rat on you, Rupert. I promise, it'll be easier if you just go ahead and make a fuss."

He shuddered again as the pain passed.

"Better now," he muttered thickly. A thought pricked him painfully. "I didn't hurt you, did I? I think I crushed your fingers a bit that last time."

Buffy leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to his brow. She gave a watery chuckle.

"Fingers all present and accounted for," she assured him. "Don't worry about it; I've had worse. Hell, I think you were having worse right about then." She rubbed his chest comfortingly. "You just grab whatever you want as hard as you have to. Consider it payback in advance for what I'm gonna do when this is the other way around."

Giles smiled tightly.

"Just remember when the time comes that there are a couple bits I'd really prefer you not to squeeze that tightly."

"Got it. I promise to stick to fingers, and I'll do my best not to crush them too hard."

Her hand trembled a bit when she stroked his hair back. It steadied when he took it in his and kissed her palm softly.

*****

Anya rubbed Xander's back gently.

"I can't believe Willow did this," she snipped yet again. "How irresponsible can she be?"

Xander shrugged and burped again.

"Doing spells like this so close to the Hellmouth can be quite unpredictable," Anya continued. "And it's a good thing you'll never really gestate, Xander. I don't remember pregnancy being this bad."

Through the fog of nausea Xander grasped one concept.

"An, honey? When were you pregnant?"

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