Title: Big Bad By The Bay 1/10
Author: Gileswench
Contact: gileswench@yahoo.com
Date: 9/11/01
Spoilers: Through season 5 of Buffy and season 2 of Angel, but takes
place several months in the future
Summary: Six unlikely warriors must avert a donut-related
Apocalypse...while they find true love
Rating: R
Pairing: Buffy/Giles, A/C, Host/Kate
Category: Humor/Romance/Adventure
Distribution: If you've had my permission in the past, you have it now.
All others, ask and ye shall receive.
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome. Praise abjectly
sought.
Disclaimer: It all belongs to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc., etc., etc. I
just let them have all the fun Joss won't. I own nothing except my
twisted mind which you really don't want. Please don't sue. Oh, and I
don't own The Simpsons, Indigo girls, or San Francisco either, but I
promise to put them right back where I found them.
Notes: This one comes to you courtesy of Joanna's challenge which reads
as follows: This fic was inspired by Auntie Wench's attempt to wean me
off of really, really bad television. So I have chosen ten requests,
five of which are generic request-fic type things, and five of which
are TV-related.
1. Involve at minimum, Angel and Cordelia, Giles and Buffy BUT...the
story does not take place in Sunnydale or Los Angeles.
2. A scene where somebody, gives Cordelia a fighting lesson.
3. I want music this time. Somewhere, sometime, there will be at least
one song by Indigo Girls, Goo Goo Dolls or Great Big Sea.
4. A phone call, letter, email, dream visitation, physical appearance,
parenthetical exposition or manifestation in any sort of way of
Detective Kate. And she's happy, 'kay?
5. A scene where one of the guys chivalrously, but needlessly comes to
the rescue of one of the girls, and is soundly whaled for being a
chauvinist and assuming she's a weakling who needs his protection.
6. A scene where Angel and Cordelia (at least) are watching a very
genre movie, and it produces the opposite intended effect in one of
them.
7. A scene where a television commercial induces guilt in somebody.
8. As a plot point, one of those "things I learned from watching..."
chain emails going around, with the show being either Star Trek,
Sliders, The Simpsons, ER, or Charmed.
9. Use of at least two of the following mightybigtv.com forum lingo:
word; blah blah blah fishcakes; shout-out; homoeroticism, yay!: props;
or fashion nazi.
10. And finally, in honour of the bad television habit that produced
this fic, a b-plot involving Cordelia's giving up of any sort of bad
habit you wish, with the requisite encouragement, coddling, support and
rabid, rapt attention from absolutely everybody.
Dedication: To Joanna for her lovely, and oh-so-inspirational
challenge, and to all of those who need a good laugh and an easily
identifiable enemy who is guaranteed to be defeated by the plucky good
guys.
Buffy leaned back against the padded headrest and let the wind blow through her hair. She was glad Giles had agreed to leave the top down for the entire drive.
Then again, she was glad to be getting out of Sunnydale for a few days, too.
She'd been feeling crowded since her return from the grave. Everybody seemed to need to touch her and talk to her constantly until the pressure made her want to scream.
But a long weekend with Giles, who never crowded her, was just the ticket...even if it did mean sharing a room with Cordelia. May be she could talk Giles into letting her...
"So what's this thing we have to find again?"
Giles sighed. He knew that Buffy was perfectly capable of remembering what she was doing for two minutes together.
"I won't fall for it this time, you know."
"Fall for what? What did I do?"
"You know perfectly well what we're looking for and why we're looking for it in San Francisco. You've come up against something in your mind you don't wish to deal with, and now you're deliberately trying to provoke me so you don't have to think about it."
Buffy tried to glare at her Watcher, but found she couldn't quite do it.
"Great. Busted again."
"So what was it that you were trying to avoid thinking of?"
"If I don't want to think about it, what makes you think I want to talk about it?"
"Whenever you're ready, Buffy. No rush."
"Maybe in my next lifetime, 'kay?"
She switched on the radio.
*****
Cordelia switched off the radio in disgust.
"Hey, brown eyes! How could you do that? Aretha was just getting started!"
"Not in the mood to hear this," the girl muttered as she swallowed another pair of pills with a swig from the bottle of water she kept along for the ride. "Look, R&B and vision headaches just don't mix."
"I prefer something a bit mellower myself. Y'know, Manilow or maybe Bread."
Lorne shook his head mournfully.
"For a vampire with soul, you sure don't have much of any. I tell you, Katie, this guy has no rhythm to go with his blues."
"Then maybe it's a good thing he sticks to Mandy."
The demon and his new bartender shared a smile. Kate had certainly loosened up since the night she had wandered into Caritas looking for guidance.
Once Lorne had discovered that Kate understood the mixing of a proper Seabreeze, he'd insisted on her coming to work for him. Now she tagged along whenever he helped out Angel and company as well. The insights she'd gained in the past few months had taught her to relax and go with the demonic flow of life in LA.
The fact that she'd once been on a detail guarding Whitney Houston when she was in town was merely the icing on the cake for Lorne.
"So, Cordy, not to be pushy, but what did you see just now?" Angel hated to ask while she was still obviously in pain, but he needed to know.
The Seer sighed and held the cold water bottle to her forehead.
"More cartoon stuff. Homer Simpson, Krusty the Klown. I don't get it. It's like my visions have been taken over by the Cartoon Channel."
"Well that goes with the list Willow got from the guy claiming all the clues to the next apocalypse are in that 'Things I learned From Watching The Simpsons' chain email," Angel mused.
"How can all the clues to an apocalypse be hidden in a cartoon show?"
Cordelia shrugged at Kate's question.
"I don't know. But I think I'll feel better when I find out. It's bad enough getting the migraines when I see people being squished; I really don't need it when I'm watching Saturday morning cartoons."
"Sunday nights."
"Huh?"
"Sunday nights, Cordy. That's when The Simpsons...not that I...watch it...much..."
"Don't worry, Angel," Cordelia smiled. "I won't tell Buffy and make you look all uncool to her."
As she absently nibbled at her thumbnail, Angel scolded her.
"Stop it. No nail biting."
"Or what?" she snapped back.
"Or I sing all of Barry Manilow's greatest hits starting with I Write The Songs."
Cordelia shoved her hand into her pocket and glared at the vampire.
"Anyone else feel like stake tonight?"
*****
As Giles hung up the last of his clothes in the closet, he heard a knock on the door. He was surprised to find Buffy on the other side with her suitcase.
"I just can't do it, Giles. I can't spend the entire weekend sharing a room with Cordy. Could I stay here?"
"B-Buffy...of course not."
"Why? There's two beds in here. That's one each."
"And where will Angel sleep then?"
"We could have a Sunnydale room and an LA room instead of a boys' room and a girls' room. Couldn't we?"
Giles quietly took Buffy's suitcase from her and motioned for her to sit down. He put the case near the door and joined Buffy.
"What's this really about?"
"I don't know what you mean, Giles."
"Stop that, Buffy."
"Stop what?'
"Being deliberately obtuse. What's on your mind? You can tell me."
Buffy stared at the floor for some moments before answering.
"It's just...since I got back....I...everybody looks at me differently. Everybody treats me like I might just...disappear with the next puff of wind. I don't think I can deal with that from Angel and Cordelia." She paused. "You're the only one."
"The only one?"
Buffy shrugged.
"The only one who acts like, if you blink, I'll still be here when you open your eyes. It's just like the last time."
"Buffy, the last time you died it was only a couple minutes..."
"No, not that. The last time I went away. When I...ran away. It was the same then. Everybody yelled at me but you. Everybody crowded me too much except you. You just accepted I was back and that was that."
"And you think Angel will want to crowd you?"
"Didn't he always? At least when he wasn't ignoring me or trying to do the noble thing and walk away."
"Buffy, you know Angel loved you..."
"Yeah, I know. And I loved him. Note the emphasis on the past tense. I just finally figured out it wasn't in a very healthy way. And don't even get me started on the whole Riley thing. What was I thinking?"
"I'm damned if I know."
"Giles!" Buffy laughed. "I always thought you liked Riley."
"And I did...grow to rather like him. I just never understood the attraction."
"You're not supposed to, Giles. I'm the girl. It's my job to get the attraction to the guy. Or is this a case of homoeroticism, yay?"
"No, it isn't. And no, you may not share a room with me this weekend."
The girl pouted slightly.
"Darn. All my sidetracking gone to waste."
"You know I'm right."
"Stuffy. We shared a room before."
"We shared Xander's basement with three other people there and a curtain between the men's side and the women's' side."
"But technically it was one room."
Giles retrieved Buffy's suitcase.
"And this weekend, we have two rooms. Go to yours and unpack."
"Do I get a cookie if I do?"
Giles laughed despite himself.
"I haven't any cookies with me. Would a quick sparring session in the hotel gym do instead?"
"Fencing?"
"Wonderful."
"Okay. I'll behave."
"No you won't."
"Okay, so I won't. Admit it; you love it."
"The gym. Fifteen minutes."
"Yes, sir, Watcher-mine."
Giles shook his head and gave a small, laughing sigh as the door shut behind Buffy.
"This could be a very long weekend indeed."