TITLE: Bingo Night In The Buffyverse 1/3
AUTHOR: Gileswench
EMAIL: gileswench@yahoo.com
RATING: R for language, slashy kissage, gambling with fate, and an instance of hideously cartoonish violence.
SUMMARY: This one sorta defies description.
SPOILERS: Through The Body, Epiphany to be safe.
DISCLAIMER: It all belongs to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc., etc., etc. I just let them have all the fun Joss won't. I own nothing except my twisted mind which you really don't want. Please don't sue.
FEEDBACK: Constructive criticism always welcome. Praise abjectly sought.
DISTRIBUTION: Gabi, Robin2, Dee, Emryld if they want it, YGTS?, UCSL. All others, ask and ye shall receive.
NOTES: Brought to you by Challenge #151 on You Got The Stones? which reads as follows: "Hey, Gileswench! You gave me a great idea for a fic for you! Have the Buffy or Angel cast get roped into a Bingo game called "Bingo Bonanza." You must also include a character like our beloved Collie except in a comedic way...like make her an old lady or something. Anyway, have Spike involved, at the very least, and you can have B/G shipping only if you play nice to Kate and Lindsey." (Oh, bloody hell. What did I do to deserve this? Here we go.. the shaggin' on the 'pillow'.. ;) - C.) Oh, and all on my own, I decided to add a parody of me, too. After all, if Collie gets a parody, I want one too!DEDICATION: To Ragna who has once again proved that she is deranged beyond all imagining. Thanks for causing me to inflict this upon an unsuspecting universe.
An unlikely band had gathered outside the bingo parlor. There was a Slayer, a former Watcher and a current one, two vampires, two witches, an Anagogic demon, a former policewoman, a would be actress cum seer, a former demon, two average young men whose best friends all happened to be in some measure supernatural, and a pair of lawyers.
Only one knew why they had been called.
The green one with the red horns and equally red eyes. Even though he wasn't at his kareoke bar, he still clutched a seabreeze in one hand. As the others crowded closer, he raised the drink in a semi salute and proceeded to speak.
"I suppose you're wondering why I've asked you all here...nah! Just kidding! I always wanted to say that." He ginned cheekily as he took a sip.
Lilah Morgan crossed her arms over her chest and glared at the demon.
"So what it this all about? You called us out of a meeting to come here to this cheesy bingo parlor, so you'd better have some answers and hand them over quick."
The other lawyer smirked slightly as he rebuked her.
"Lilah! Give the man a chance to talk."
"Yeah, what's the sitch?" Buffy couldn't remain quiet any longer.
"Perhaps if we all stop asking questions, he'll have a chance to tell us. Do go on."
The others fell silent at Giles' words.
"Well chalk one up for tall, stuffy, and nearsighted. As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted," he shot a dirty look at Lilah, "this cheesy bingo parlor holds the fate of the world as we know it in it's dark little clutches."
"The Apocalypse is gonna happen at the Bingo Bonanza?" Xander began to laugh. "No way! Great joke, man, but no way."
"Yes way. And it's not the Apocalypse. Not exactly. We're the only ones who will be affected, well, and maybe a few others, but this group right here has all the biggies."
"Xander is big. But how did you know that? He's never disrobed..."
"An, honey, please don't say any more."
Red eyes flitted up and down Xander's form.
"Keeping secrets, are we? Interesting. Never mind. The point is, what happens here tonight could change all our lives irrevocably."
"How? It's just bingo, right?" Angel frowned in confusion.
"I'll give it to you straight. Last night, these two chicks come into Caritas. They were a really odd couple, too. One of them was tall and seeeewwww gothick it hurt. Green streaks in her hair and she's puffing away like there's no tomorrow, which there probably won't be if she doesn't cut down pronto. The other one's short and dumpy with purple fingernails, rings on practically every finger and Birkenstocks. She's coughing like crazy and trying to get the tall one to stop smoking so much. And both of them were swearing like a sailor on a Saturday night."
"So they were a little strange. You run a demon kareoke bar. What do you expect?"
"I'm getting there, Officer Kate. So they get up to sing, which seems to be why they're there. Really funny. Morticia has this deep voice when she talks, but when she sings she's off in the stratosphere. And the Birkenstock Kid talks in this little, high pitched birdie voice, but she takes out the walls with a rock and roll contralto to die for. They really knocked my socks off."
"So they were good?" Cordelia hazarded.
"Well yeah, but I mean they literally knocked my socks off. That happens sometimes when the really big messages come through. It's embarrassing. Thank goodness the health inspectors weren't there, because they landed in a drink across the room. A word of advice: never let your socks fall in a Fyarl demon's pina colada. The mucus never comes out."
He sipped his drink as the others tried not to think about what he'd just said.
"So what did you see?" Gunn had run out of patience some minutes before.
"These two have kidnapped the God Whey'donn and they're playing bingo to decide the fate of his creations. All of you and I are his creations. What happens in there changes...who even knows what! They both have some pretty definite ideas about how our lives should play out and Whey'donn wouldn't approve of a quarter of it."
"So why don't I go in and slay them? There's just the two, right? Shouldn't be a problem."
"Slow down, Xena! They're human."
"You can't kill them, Buffy. It wouldn't be right."
"Better listen to the man."
"Always do." At Giles' glare, she added sheepishly: "Okay, I don't always do what he wants, but I listen. I really do."
She flashed a smile at her Watcher and he allowed his glare to soften.
"What we need is two things. Numero uno, we need someone to try to free Whey'donn before either one of those crazy dames wins, and, Numero Due, we need a champion to play against them for control of our lives in case we can't rescue our God."
"Tell you what, all, I'm off to get some fags. You can let me know how it all works out later. This rescuing bit...it's really not my thing."
The peroxide blonde vampire turned to leave. Wesley blocked his path.
"You can't go."
"Why the bleedin' hell not?"
"Let him go, Wes. We don't need him." Buffy folded her arms across her chest.
"People, people, please! In the words of a great humanitarian and drug addict, can't we all just get along? We all need to be here. If one of us goes out there into the city, well, there's no telling what either one of these women has in mind and we can't have the biteless wonder turning all bitey on a random member of the public."
"He's right. We all need to stay here in case they do something all freaky to us, like make some of us evil vixen vampires in kinky latex suits. Not...that that would ever happen, no sir."
"We won't let them vamp you, Will." Buffy spoke with the confidence she took on when she had a plan. "Angel, Xand, Spike, and you..." she pointed to Gunn, "try to find Whey'donn and break him out. I'll go with you guys. Will, Tara, Wes, Anya, I'm gonna need you to try to find a spell. Something that will reverse anything these two can make happen. You guys, the lawyers and the cop, get me the legal angle on this. Find me something that will stick if we have to take 'em to court. Giles, you're gonna learn to play bingo. Everybody got that?"
"Hey! What about us?" Cordelia pointed from herself to The Host.
"I don't have time for this Cordy. You and the kareoke king just stay out of trouble. Right, people. We're going in."
The Slayer kicked open the door of the bingo parlor.