TITLE: Bingo Night In The Buffyverse 2/3
AUTHOR: Gileswench
DISCLAIMER: It all belongs to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc., etc., etc. I just let them have all the fun Joss won't. I own nothing except my twisted mind which you really don't want. Please don't sue.
FEEDBACK: Constructive criticism always welcome. Praise abjectly sought.
Inside, the decorations were sparse and tacky. The place was nearly empty. Two long tables were set up to accommodate players and one woman sat at each table. At the left-hand table sat a small, plump woman with brown hair and an astonishing collection of silver rings on her purple-nailed fingers. At the right-hand table, nearly hidden in a cloud of cigarette smoke, sat a taller woman with green streaks in her black hair. She was singing a Disney tune.
"Xander, that song...she's singing it wrong. I know the words are different."
Someday my Spike will come
Xander blanched. "Damn right it's wrong. So wrong I can't begin to express it."
Buffy marched up to the less smoky woman.
"Where is he?" she demanded, hands on hips.
"To which he do you refer? There are so many of them here, you see. I like that one" She pointed to Giles.
Buffy's eyes narrowed.
"Well you can't have him."
"Didn't think so, sweets. He's so obviously taken already." She winked at the Slayer.
A gagging sound was heard from the wreath of smoke at the other table.
"Maybe you should cut down on the smoking, Collie love?'
"Fuck you, Wench."
A two-fingered salute emerged from the smoke.
The Wench blew a juicy raspberry at her rival.
The Slayer rolled her eyes.
"Okay you two, I've had about all I'm gonna take from you. Where's Whey'donn?"
The rivals looked at one another and laughed.
"That would be telling." The Wench smiled broadly and fluttered her eyelashes. "Collie, my little ray of sunshine, are we ready to throw down?"
"We need someone to pick the numbers."
Collie emerged from the protective sheath of smoke long enough to eye The Host.
"I vote we have him do it."
The Wench looked the demon up and down. She shrugged her shoulders.
"S'okay by me. You don't have anything better to do, do you, sweets?"
Buffy pulled The Host and Giles aside.
"Should he do it?"
She looked to her Watcher for guidance.
"Since both parties seem amenable..."
"Giles. In English. Now."
"Well, er...yes."
"Wait just a minute, sister. You realize you're putting the fate of everyone in this room in my hands, don't you?"
"And your problem would be...?"
"You can't expect me to work solo. I have to have a gorgeous, glittery assistant."
"Fine. Take Cordelia. She's always wanted to be in show business, and this is the closest thing we've got."
The three exchanged significant glances and nodded. They returned to the tables.
"All right. Glitter boy's ready to pull the numbers. On two conditions. First, Cordy will be his assistant and second, Giles gets to be in the game. Otherwise, no deal."
The two players huddled to consult. several kicks to one anothers' ankles later, they returned to their tables. Collie popped a stick of gum in her mouth and allowed Wench to speak for both.
"Deal. Come sit here next to me, sugarbuns." She grabbed Giles' arm and led him to her table as Buffy's eyes narrowed dangerously.
The Host and Cordelia, meanwhile, moved to the front of the room and consulted about the drawing and announcement of numbers. Buffy went to join her warriors and lifted a sword easily. Her glance flickered to the corner where the legal and magical research was in full swing. It was good to be in charge. She liked her world pretty much as it was. So she didn't have a man, which was not fun. And her mother had died which really sucked. And she was in constant danger which was uncomfortable and draining. Still, she had power and good friends, and the ability as well as the duty to make the world a safer place. She hoped nothing would change her world too drastically.
"Okay, guys. If you were an obsessive psycho trying to mess with someone else's universe, where would you hide him while you play spin the bottle with his world?"
"I don't know about you, pet, but I'd put him right about there."
Spike pointed to a corner where a man sat on a pile of explosives, sweat trickling down his forehead, his eyes wild.
"That's Whey'donn? Chipmunk cheeks over there created us? I was sorta hoping my God would be more...muscle-y."
"Well if it's any help to you, pet, you can think of that one over there as your creator, and me as you masculine, muscle-y God."
The vampire grinned at her.
The grin disappeared as one brassed off Slayer punched him in the nose.
"You're a pig, Spike. Now how do we get Whey'donn out of there?"
"I say we stop yammering and bust him out. There's no guards or nothing, and the only thing holding him there is a pair of whacked out white chicks. They're no match for us."
"That's where you're wrong, Mr. Gunn" A deep female voice drawled. The plume of smoke neared the little band and Collie emerged. "You see, we have powerful friends." As her cigarette burned down to a tiny stub, she pulled another from the pack and borrowed Spike's lighter, flashing him a warm smile as she began to puff with renewed energy.
"Whey'donn isn't just sitting there for his health. He's held there with a very special form of magick called ratings. He makes us happy, or they all drip away and the TNT ignites. There is no weapon, no spell, that can protect him. He will only be released when either I or the Wench wins the game and gains his power and recreates his little world in the image we like."
"What if Giles wins? What happens then?"
"Then, my Zeppo, the world is recreated in the image he prefers. But how likely is that? Bingo is a game of pure chance, and I have luck on my side. It's an Irish thing."
"No kidding? I'm Irish too."
"Quit sucking up, Peaches. It won't get you anywhere."
The blonde vampire swatted the brunette one. Then he wiped his hand on Angel's coat. The new hair gel was even greasier than the last one.
Suddenly the woman clapped her hands majestically.
"Let the fucking games begin, already!"
She returned to her seat as The Host approached the microphone and Wench patted Giles' thigh. He scooted slightly away with a small nervous smile.
While the players were distracted, Buffy made her silent way to the research area. She began by approaching Willow.
"Will, what's the word?"
The girl shook her red head.
"So far, I'm afraid it's the bird. There's nothing on how to stop this."
"We'll keep looking, but right now it looks like our best chance is if Giles wins." The blonde witch tried to sound more hopeful than she was.
"We figure we're pretty much doomed." Anya made no attempt to put a good face on things.
"Wes? Got anything?"
"I'm afraid thus far the others are correct. Mr. Giles had best win if we want our world to remain more or less as it is."
"More or less? Giles won't change anything. He's too...he just wouldn't."
"Are you sure, Buff?"
The Slayer whirled around to face Xander.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Come on, Buffy. Wouldn't you change a few things if it was you?"
"Probably, but Giles is...he wouldn't... I'm the shallow one. He'd be the one always saying 'we can't break the prime directive' on Star Trek."
"Captain Picard broke it all the time and he was stuffier than Giles."
The color drained from Buffy's face.
"I just figured it out: no matter who wins, life will never be the same."